If you really knew me, by July
Well It's 2.11 AM and I have been hoping to do this for a while, I am nervous about the reactions I'll get but I know it will help relive some of the weight off my back. Be warned it may get a bit rough to read but I ma doing this for my benefit and so you the reader will get to know me as a person better.
I'll try to space it every once and a while so it's readable, for further clarification just ask me.
Ok (Breath's in – and out) I'll start from the basics. If you really knew me you'd know I hate myself every day because of what I have fried into my brain, my dad left when I was born and normally it wouldn't have effected me but it did because I was teased about it and I grew up watching everyone else with one and I grew up seeing my mom argue cry and be happy and be all over the place with her relationship. I grew up reading the mail she received about child support and the letters she would right to my father unsure if she sent them. I saw how she told him I looked so much like him and it made me angry because I look in the mirror and hate myself because I am his child. I don't know him and I miss him, because of the teasing I formed a thought that made me believe I was the reason he left, I was the reason why he didn't want to stay. I'm the unwanted thing in his life and why he never sends anything or even bothers to contact me. If you really knew me you'd know I miss him so much and I fear the day I meet him because I am inadequate, I am the seed he wished he never had. I had a dream about him where I met him but I couldn't see his face; I hugged him and told him about myself and said I loved and missed him. He pushed me to the ground and hit me over and over again telling me I was a disgrace and a disappointment, he said I was weak and that he never loved me; he told me he had a **** for a child and he basically had another girl. I woke up and cried that whole morning; I could feel the hits and the tears.
If you really knew me you'd know I am the most self conscience person there is, I react to how people see me and when I hear something negative I take it in and it stay's with me. Because I was put into a hospital for attempted suicide I was sad because of how people saw me. I looked so happy but I was dying on the inside, I hated myself for every wrong thing I did. I wanted to be like everyone else I wanted to have friends and know what things were, listen to there music act how they act feel how they feel. If you went to reed middle school and you know where the walk way connects the two building's you would know there was a tree there and I had the rope (more or less) I was going to tie it to the tree and jump. Someone found me before I jumped. I wanted to be caught; it was an unreal moment standing on that ledge, begging for someone to care someone to show they gave a damn. At the hospital there was a lady who was my angel. She helped me reconnect to who I was before the sadness. I owe her my life, the children there were younger than I was, I was a 7th grader and 12 they were all between 8 and 6 a boy was there for hitting his parents one for actually causing damage to his parents he would stay there till he was old enough for military school the two girls were there for Not eating and holding a knife to there throat and threatening to slice it. And the last boy was there because voices told him to take pills. It was an out of body experience being there, I slept on cold plastic that night and cried, As I heard the military school kid being restrained and given a sedative. I would have stayed longer but I begged the lady to plead my case and she told me right before I left. "I never want to see you in here again" she smiled and I hugged her. This is why I believe in Jessica Rivas's quote on "Shut up and quit complaining it could be worse." I use this now because I know that as a high school kid we tend to make our problems the ones that are small into big deals. It shouldn't be like that, because consider the people that hate themselves because they are made fun of and feel like others look down on them, that's how I feel at EVHS, when I walk down the halls or am in a class. I do feel that people laugh at me and look down on me. And I want you to know that when you do that it kills me inside because I take it to heart because that Is who I am, if you really knew me you'd know I drink smoke pop pills all because of what kids tell me and how down I get myself, If you really knew me you'd know I took 10 to 15 pills of whatever I could find from my medicine cabinet one day and I felt my whole body shaking and I had what felt like a seizure or something else but I was alone that night. I got past it and I cleaned up and went on with life. If you really knew me you'd know I had a 2 or three in the past year or two and I have been awake at night, I just clean up and move on because I feel it isn't worth while to mention it; but I am now. If you really knew me you'd know I am a 200% improvement then I was before