Slaine's body was now so thin that his refection in Lemrina's eyes was mostly blocked by the tower of boxes he was holding.
"I'm glad that you got here safely, Slaine." – Lemrina welcomed him with a sweet smile.
"I'll be in your care from now on, Lady Lemrina, Harklight." – He answered. They have decided not to call her 'Princess' for her own safety.
"Please follow me, Slaine-sama." – The once-servant turned around – "Your room is this way."
Trying to hide the discomfort he felt for the way he was called, Slaine said – "Please stop calling me like that, Harklight. A normal 'Slaine' is enough."
"Oh, here we are." – Harklight stopped in front of a wooden door, opened it and gave Slaine the key – "Please go rest for a while, I can help with those boxes."
"Ah, there is no need." – He refused – "It was really nice of you to clean the room for me, so making you arrange my own stuffs would be too much. Thank you for welcoming me here." – Slaine lowered his head toward the other two; the tower of boxes didn't shift in the slightest – he used to be a servant, so Slaine had been taught not to make any foolish mistakes, and in a much crueller way than most since he was a Terran.
"It's nothing."
"That's my honour."
The two of them answered before turning away and leaving Slaine to himself. Slaine closed the door behind their back and locked it from the inside. He put the boxes on the floor then picked the one on top of them up.
This box was the smallest one of all – only the size of a small book – and also the lightest. Slaine placed the object on the table before taking the lid off.
There are many sheets of paper folded in half inside. Slaine took out the first one from below and opened it. He could see his own hand-writing inside, with the first line being
My dear Asseylum,
Yes, those papers were letters that were never sent, written for the one Slaine held the dearest.
There was a way some people used to relieve their locked feeling. By thinking of their most important person and writing letters for them that would not be actually sent, it brought the sense of having someone else to talk to, thus lightening the loneliness one was suffering from. In other words, these letters themselves were Slaine's inner world.
He opened the first drawer and took out a lighter. Now that the three of them would be living together for a very long time, Slaine couldn't risk Lemrina finding these, lest it hurt her feeling again like he had done in the past. Slaine decided to read the letters one last time before burning them, starting with the one he was holding.
My dear Asseylum,
I apology for using my memories of you for the mere purpose of easing my loneliness – this is the only solution I came up with, knowing that on days and nights, there is nothing I can think of but you.
I will never forget that you were the first and only one to talk to me gently, to take your time listening to my rambling about the Earth, as well as my hope and worry. You did those over and over again, so many times that even the imagination of you now holds the power to calm my sobbing heart. Even if your existence could not break my chain of misery, it could at least lengthen that chain, and bring me a little comfort – for which I am really grateful.
My letters will not reach you, which is predictable (I would refuse that chance even if I had it). It is a good thing, for both of us, that you won't be bothered by my pathetic side – a side that I had not yet shown you along with my sin. What more could I ask for?
I hope you are still well. But I won't write 'See you again' in these letters, for I know something like that will never happen.
Should I also sign at the end? After thinking for a while, I have settled not to. Now that my name had already been erased, I simply don't have a name left to sign.
I am sorry, my princess. For disappointing you.
The lighter sparkles in his hand, the small flame licked the corner of the sheet and slowly spread inside. Slaine placed the letter on an ashtray. It slowly changed into a darker colour and fell apart.
He then continued with the next one right above the previous, which was similar in length.
My dear Asseylum,
The moon is beautiful tonight – a full moon that brightens the sky above. I can see it from down here, in this quiet cell that locks me and my sins up. For a second, I had wondered if you were gazing at the same moon, but I suddenly realized you couldn't. Perhaps you were attending a meeting, reviewing a report or even gazing at the moon... from a different world than mine.
To me, it is a really clear evidence that my feeling couldn't reach you. Even though I have already known that for certain, I wonder why I can't help thinking this way...
The wind is raging, bringing with it a large cloud that hides the moon from view, so I can't see it anymore. But just because it can't be seen doesn't mean it isn't there, does it?
I should stop my rambling for now. I will be waiting for the moment the moon comes out from that cloud – surely it will be such a wonderful sight that I will be distracted from my never-ending thoughts of you for a moment.
I'm sorry, my Princess. For robbing away your happiness.
The fire hadn't gone out the whole time he was reading, so he placed the letter on the burnt remain of the first one. Immediately, it started burning.
The next one was slightly longer, as if he had taken to writing.
My dear Asseylum,
I woke up from the sound of the ocean waves crashing outside. The smell of rain is becoming more and more noticeable – one could tell it's going to fall soon.
I really love that smell: it freshens the heavy, stagnant air in this closed space.
I wonder how long I have been here. The sense of time is slowly loosening from my grip – everyday seems to last forever. Yet it raises other questions: if I will be staying here until my bones rot away, then what is the meaning of waiting for another day to come? What do I expect to find in a future without you?
Ah, it has begun. The moment it starts raining, time seems to be frozen.
It is so quiet here that I think I can even hear the first drop of rain hitting the ground. And the ones following it. Now they have created a steady rhythm, which to me sound like a sad song. And if the raindrops play the part of the piano, the rustling of the trees can be the beats. Have you ever asked yourself who that song is for? In my opinion, that melody is played for whoever the listener's heart is yearning for. Then, it is a song for you.
The rain finally stops after an hour or two (I can't tell). Anything has to come to an end, there is no exception. Even my isolation. But, it will be a very long time before everything of me can rest once and for all, especially my bleeding heart.
I'm sorry, my Princess. For failing my promise to you.
Another letter was burnt.
Slaine skimmed through the next ones in order, before his hand lingered on a more special one. The sheet of paper used this time was a little crumpled, and there were traces that seemed to be created by water dripping on its surface, blurring the ink. His hand-writing was messy, and quite hard to make out even by Slaine himself.
My dear Asseylum,
Please forgive me if this letter contains anything that was unreasonable. I have never written to you in this state of mind before, so I guess I may not be able to balance my feeling yet.
I have just woken up from a nightmare. I thought I was already used to them by now, but this one was exceptionally cruel, because in that dream the only way I could fulfil your wish was sacrificing my feeling for you. After an intense struggle in my mind, I chose to protect your happiness, thus destroying my own soul, simply because you were the world to me. After that decision, I couldn't even recall what I had lost, but the vacant feeling in my chest told me it was something really important. When I finally woke up from that nightmare, my pillow had already been wet with tears that seemed to never stop.
My life was nothing but a chain of wrong decision, and the only right one I made was inside a dream. I wonder if I had the choice to turn back time, would I accept it.
Maybe I would. Even if things might turn out for the worst, and I might have to relive this hell, I would definitely accept it, for I just want you to look at me again.
Even though I know my feeling wouldn't be returned, I couldn't stop loving you. If this feeling had never appeared, I would not have been pained this much. Still, I don't want it to disappear. Because it is something that made up my being – an existence that is no longer considered existing.
I'm already broken, ain't I?
I miss you.
I'm sorry, my Princess. For loving you.
Another letter was burnt.
Despite having read and burnt a few more, Slaine's hand was still trembling due to the memory of that nightmare when a single drawing fell out from another folded sheet – a pencilled sketch of a bird standing between the bars of a window and the huge, clear sky.
My dear Asseylum,
This morning, I was reading a book when a tender sound greeted my ears. As I lift my eyes off the book to the small window above, standing there was a small, pure white seagull. It looked at me with curious eyes, as if wondering why I have been locked in this place. The seagull brought back a memory of the time you were still unconscious. Princess Lemrina had always wanted to raise a bird, so I told Harklight to get one despite having to lock it in a cage. She was really disappointed, and would rather not have one than see its freedom taken away. Now that I have been imprisoned, I can finally understand the thought of those caged birds – there is nothing left but grief and depression. At the same time I wonder what that seagull was thinking, seeing me all alone through the bars from up there? Is it the same as pity human gives the locked ones of their kind?
As I stood up to take a closer look, the bird flapped it wings and flew away, leaving me with an unsaid goodbye. Gazing after its figure until it disappeared into the azure horizon, I asked myself whether it was lonely, soaring through the sky on its own like that. However, the sound of the seagulls told me they were indeed happy. Could it be because they are free? Or could it be because their love is returned? Either way, I can't find myself jealous of them, probably because deep down inside I know I don't deserve that happiness. So I sat back down, grabbed a pencil and a sheet of paper, then quickly started sketching the scene before it fully disappeared from my mind.
While the tip of the pencil was moving, my thought fell back on you. The seagull reminded me of you in a lot of points. It was pure, just like you. And even though it was small, I am sure that it was also willing to face whatever hardship that came its way, similar to you. Last but not least, it gave me the desire to protect, but now had flown so far away out of my reach to another world outside the locked door, leaving me by myself in this cold, quiet cage.
I'm sorry, my Princess. For not being able to stay by your side.
Another letter was burnt, along with the sketch.
There were only a few left by now. The next one Slaine focused on held a slightly brighter atmosphere and brought a nostalgic feeling to his heart.
My dear Asseylum,
I was very surprised of what I was allowed to do today, and grateful for every effort you had put into this gift.
The walk on the beach was amazing – the sensation of sand under my bare feet and waves crashing against my hands were so soothing that I felt alive once more for the rest of the day. I also found a beautiful seashell, but in the end I put it back in place, since I was worried that I would carelessly drop it someday. Those shells were so fragile that they certainly could not stand the fall, and if something like that happened, this wonderful memory would turn into a sorrowful one, wouldn't it?
I was fortunate enough to watch both sunrise and sunset today. The red of the rising sun seemed to be a little brighter than that of the setting one; I didn't know if it was real or just my imagination, since sunset was a sign that I would soon have to return to that place. Also, I found the answer to the question I asked myself on a previous rainy day: maybe the meaning of waiting for another day to come is simply to watch as the sun rises and sets, because those were magnificent scene that happens only once a day.
The air in the winter was freezing, but your kindness really warmed my heart. Watching the sun brighten the world brought back my memory of your smile, which radiated even more than the sun itself, brightened my world and made me fall for you.
Even though I couldn't see it anymore, please, my dear Asseylum, never stop smiling.
I'm sorry, my Princess. For making you concern about me.
Thank you.
Another letter was burnt.
Slaine finally reached the last one, which had only been written not so long ago. He had decided to stop writing after finishing this one.
My dear Asseylum,
I don't know how to express my gratitude to everything you did for me from the day we met. You saved my life back then, giving me a chance to live; and now you saved the meaning of it, when I had decided to give up and wait uselessly for it to end.
On the contrary, never could I do anything for you. Moreover, I even used you as the reason to continue the war that killed many people and tore others' happiness to shreds. Although I gave many people hope, I couldn't turn it to reality. Don't you think seeing your hope shatter is even more heart-breaking than never hoping at all? That's why my failure itself was cruel, and was a sin. In the end, I couldn't be of use to anyone, even you – 'no more than a piece of trash' as they said – and the sacrifice of those Versian soldiers had become meaningless. After waking up, you must have been really disappointed, seeing me trampling on your dream like that. I hurt your feeling deeply, didn't I?
Even though for a few second I was happy to finally be able to leave this frozen world, my heart throbs upon wondering how much you have sacrificed for this day to come. Why are you so fixed on breaking my chains of misery, when everything worsened because of my wrong decision, which wasn't your responsibility? You have always been like that – trying to carry every burden on your slender shoulders, while I can only watch from afar, fearing the day would come when you break. Yet you have never once staggered, and by the time I looked again, you were no longer a young princess, but already a just ruler, a wise Empress.
When I was young, I have always dreamed to be your knight, to watch over you, protect you from every danger and assist you through every hardship. But in the end I only became a liability, and was never one to save you, but one to be saved.
I wonder how much your life would differ from now if I had never appeared in it. Surely you would still become the great Empress that you are right now, but with someone better than me by your side, for your kindness is something that makes other place their loyalty in you.
But no matter what I did, I have only ever wished you happiness, and it would be the same forever. Despite not having the right to say this, I hope that you would keep being the kind-hearted princess that I love.
I'm sorry, my Empress. For appearing in your life.
Goodbye.
Slaine watched as the last remembrance of that time disappeared into the dancing flame like a sacrifice, ending his task. There were only black ashes left of what had been those letters.
There was a knock on the door when Slaine finished with his luggage. As he stood up to open it, Harklight appeared again at the doorstep, bringing with him a vase of different flowers. His face seemed confused of what were still on the table, but then it changed into an understanding one.
"You don't have to do so much for me." Slaine said while placing the vase by the window where the sunlight was brightest.
"This is nothing. I will follow you till the end..." – The man answered, and sadness immediately slipped into Slaine's heart. But it didn't last long before Harklight continued – "... as a family member from now on, Slaine."
Those greenish blue eyes opened wide in surprise, then slowly softened in gratefulness. Slaine wondered if his chains of misery had already been broken, and found himself believing in a new start.