Author's Note: Alright this is a really sad one-shot, sorry to say but I have worked so hard and really debated posting this for the past few months and now after the year anniversary of his death, I think I am really ready to post this. I cried, a lot, while writing this and even reading over to edit I was in tears. Derek Shepherd will forever live on in my dreams but this really helped me come to term with his death, if that's what you call it. This is Five Years after Derek's death.
Meredith looked around, the only sound in the large dream house was some kind of Princess movie being played upstairs. It was different, it definitely didn't seem like it had been five years. Five years since her whole life changed in such a dramatic way. She thought all those years ago that she would never have to live without him, she took him for granted but now that it had been that long, she regrets every day that she fought with him over this stupid things they did.
She picked up one of the pictures that was laid on the table, it was of herself holding a baby Bailey as she was closely hugged up against Derek who was holding a tiny Zola in his arms. This was merely just a few days before his accident and they were happy. All their problems seemed to not matter as they all had their smiles on, even Bailey with his best "cheese" face. She felt the tears trickle down her face, she hadn't seen her kids smile that large in a long time and she didn't know when or if she would ever see those smiles again.
She knew it was a matter of time before she heard the sound of tiny feet come barreling down the stairs, she had to quickly wipe away the tears as she faced the tiny girl. Her dark hair hung in curls and the piercing blue eyes shined up at Meredith. There was one thing she knew for sure and it was that she was glad she had another little piece of Derek with her. She had his gracious heart along with the ego that basically filled up an entire room.
"Mama! When are we goin to pick up Zozo and Bailey from tool?" The little girl asked and Meredith smiled, picking her up. Though she was four, she still had a little trouble pronouncing some of her letters, Meredith tried to correct her most of the time but today she couldn't. She placed a kiss on her daughter's forehead, taking her in all the way. It didn't seem real, how much she missed Derek so much. She managed the stuff all of her hurt and constant pain down inside to put on a bright face for her children.
"In a little bit Ellie, why don't you go upstairs and find your backpack and coat," Meredith said as she lowered her daughter on to the floor. It was only seconds before she disappeared up the stairs. It didn't seem real, how she was already four years old. It seemed like it was yesterday, she was in a deep state of grief, barely functioning except around the kids, when she had realized that she may be pregnant. It scared the hell out of her, she wouldn't have Derek to talk her down every time she felt like she was going to lose the baby or he wouldn't be there to hold her hand each ultrasound. She was scared she was going to lose her last piece of Derek everyday, she tried not to think about it but she was glad when Ellie showed up unannounced. Her memory flashed back to that day
Meredith blinked a few times, her hand moving to her stomach to notice the baby bump had gone down significantly. The events of the previous night a blur, all she could think about now was her kids. She grabbed the nurse button and clicked it a few times, waiting for a nurse to come in.
"Ah Mrs. Shepherd, you're awake. Your husband has been waiting for you," the nurse gave a polite smile. Meredith suddenly confused, her husband was dead. Was she dead? Had she hemorrhaged that bad and died, leaving her kids orphaned? Her suspicions cleared as Alex Karev walked through the door. She suddenly remembered he was her next of kin.
"Hey, we thought we lost you," Alex said, Meredith wasn't sure if he meant that she almost died or that he missed her along with everyone else she left in Seattle.
"I couldn't handle it Alex," Meredith cried slightly, he put his hand on her shoulder and comforted her.
"It's good Mer, you know she's beautiful?" He said referring to the new baby in the family.
"Can I see her?" Meredith said, sitting up. She flinched as she felt her newly opened wound where her old C-section scar once laid.
"Yeah," he said going to get a nurse. Soon a nurse came in with a bundle of blankets and sleeping baby inside. Meredith felt her heart skip a beat, she knew as she took the baby in her arms, that was the right choice.
"She's got to go back to the nursery soon for more test but she will be back in here soon," the nurse said as she stepped back. She wanted to let Meredith bond a little with her newest addition.
"Hi there," Meredith said in a low voice, she ran her fingers across the brown hair that laid on her head, her bright blue eyes shot open and stared at Meredith curiously.
"I'm your mama," she cooed at the baby, holding back tears. The piercing blue eyes caused Meredith to feel like he was here again. It felt like just seconds before the nurse whisked the baby away and it was just Alex and Meredith. Alex sat on the edge of the bed, he grabbed her hand for support as she looked like she was about to cry again.
"I think I'm going to name her Ellis, she's strong like her and she's a fighter," Meredith and Alex both laughed.
"Cute name for a cute kid, she looks like you," he chuckled and Meredith just shook her head slightly.
"She's all Derek. You know I honestly didn't think I could do it. I thought I was going to die and that would be it, but then, just now, I saw her and I realized I could never live without her. I need her as much as she needs me. I looked at her and I saw her face and I saw him. That's when I knew I could do it. I saw him in her. She's just beautiful."
Meredith quickly swept away the new tears that had fallen and saw as Ellie danced her way down the stairs. She was definitely a future dancer.
"I ready mama!" She did another twirl and Meredith just laughed. She took her daughter's hand and her purse along with the keys and left the house. Meredith was glad she decided to keep the house, having their children grow up in the house that Derek had built for them made her just curse herself for thinking she could just move out of it and taking this away from Derek's kids.
Meredith got Ellis settled in the car seat in the back, climbing into the driver's seat. She couldn't think of anything else to listen to on a perfectly sunny day than The Clash. She honestly hated The Clash but it reminded her of Derek. Ellis loved it to, she knew all the words to their songs and hearings her tiny voice sing along made Meredith smile even wider.
"Mama, is we ridin the boats!" Ellis got excited, she loved the ferryboats. She was truly Derek made over.
"We are sweetie, the top deck!" Meredith smiled as she glanced back at her smiling daughter. They both began singing along to Rock the CasBah as they pulled on to the ferry. Ellis basically dragged Meredith to the top deck as they both stared out to the beautiful blue sea. She suddenly remembered the heart-wrenching voicemail Derek left, the very last one.
Hey! I wish you could see this, weather's classic Seattle. The water is so blue, this may be the most perfect ferryboat ride I've ever had in my entire life. You know, we're going to do this a lot more when I get home. You, me, and the family. We're just going to take a day and ride the ferryboat. All day if we want. I love you Meredith...
Meredith began to cry, she looked at the perfect Seattle weather and the blue water. Maybe his last ferryboat ride was as perfect as this one. Ellis must of noticed her mother crying because she began to also. Meredith was quick to stop and picked up Ellis.
"Mama, why are you crying?" She said in a weepy voice.
"Oh baby, I was just thinking about your dad. He would have loved this ferryboat ride, especially with you and me," Meredith wiped away her daughter's tears and kissed her forehead.
"What about Bails? And Zozo?" She asked in a small voice and Meredith smiled.
"Oh definitely with Zozo and Bailey. Your daddy loved ferryboats almost as much as you," she smiled and the little girl laughed.
"Really mama?" She giggled and Meredith nodded. She thought for a second, this is a perfect day.
"Hey Ellie. What do you think about going and picking up your brother and sister then going to visit your dad and after that we come and ride the ferryboat until night time?" Meredith asked. It was the only thing that she could think to do on the 5th anniversary.
"Oh mama yes peas!" Ellie rocked excitingly in her mother's arms and Meredith just smiled. The excitement in her eyes, that was the way Derek looked in the OR. She gently kissed her daughter's cheek and nestled her nose against Ellis's cheek. As the ferry began to come close to the dock, Meredith carried Ellis down to their car and sat her in the back seat, buckling her into the car seat.
They sang along to the Clash songs as they pulled up to the school, parking the car and Meredith helped Ellis out of the back seat. Ellie skipped beside Meredith as they walked to the front of the school and waited along with all the other parents. Zola was the first to emerge from the school, her curly hair pulled back in a tight bun done by Maggie, and her ladybug backpack strapped on her back. Her face was filled with sadness but she still smiled. Meredith knew it was harder for Zola since she was 5 when Derek died and remembered more of him.
"Hi Zozo, how was school?" Meredith asked, running her hand across her cheeks and down to her shoulder.
"Alright. It was hard," Zola shrugged, standing beside her mother as they waited for Bailey to emerge. He finally did, his soccer ball that he took everywhere under his arm as his blonde hair was a mess. His bright blue eyes were now dull orbs. He wasn't smiling like Zola, instead he had a sad look on his face. Meredith saw the soccer ball and remembered overhearing a conversation between Amelia and Derek just after he came back from DC.
"I've been missing out on everything in my life, I'm watching my kids grow up on a computer. I don't want to miss my family. I don't want to miss another second. I want to coach soccer and go to ballet recitals. I don't need to change the world."
Meredith felt her heart sink, she knew the maybe he was watching over her and the kids and she hoped she was doing alright. She hoped he saw how amazing Bailey is at soccer and how much fun Zola and Ellis have at ballet. She knew he would be proud no matter what, she just wished he was here.
"Hey Bails, how was your day?" She asked as she rubbed his hair.
He didn't reply, just shrugged as they all walked back to the car. It was silent besides the music and Ellie singing along. It was a long drive to the private cemetery where Derek laid, but when they finally arrived no one took any initiative to get out of the car. It was Ellis who unbuckled herself and tried opening the door to get out.
"I'm coming around Ellie," Meredith said, finally getting the courage to get out of the car and go around to the back door. She opened it and helped Ellis out, Zola and Bailey followed. Meredith kept herself calm as she held Ellie and Zola's hand, they walked toward the single headstone and stood back a little. Flowers from the last time they were there still sat in the vase, Ellis pulled her hand away from Meredith and saw down on the ground next to the headstone.
"Hi daddy, I miss yoo. I tink mama misses yoo da mostest. But Zozo and Bailey do too. Lots and lots," Ellis proceeded to tell Derek about their plans for the day and talked about daycare. It wasn't weird for Ellis, this was all she knew of Derek besides pictures. Meredith's heart broke as she listened to her daughter ramble about everything. She watched as tears streamed down Zola's face as she joined in on the conversation.
"Hey dad, it's true. We do miss you lots. But I know you are alright now. We have a big writing test coming up and I don't know if I can do it daddy," Zola complained. Her and Ellis talked and acted as if talking to Derek's grave was a normal thing. Meredith looked around and saw Bailey sitting in the grass, far away from them. Meredith slowly walked over to Bailey and kneeled down next to him. He was crying too, which made Meredith's heart break more knowing that he was crying.
"Bails, talk to me," Meredith plead, wanting to know what was wrong with him. He looked at Meredith then back at the ground.
"It's not fair," he mumbled, picking at individual pieces of the grass.
"What isn't?" Meredith rubbed her hand against Bailey's back and tried to comfort him.
"Zola can remember daddy and Ellis never met him but she talks to him like she knew him and he is here. I can't remember my dad and I spent the first two years with him. I see the pictures of us and try to remember but I can't and it's not fair that he's gone. I want him to be here," he cried harder and Meredith broke down. She pulled her son against her and hugged him closely. She tried to calm his crying but she couldn't stop crying herself. She hated her son felt like that, he was angry at his father for leaving and she couldn't help but be a little mad also.
"Bailey, look at me," Meredith said, drying her own eyes before she took her sons face in her hands. He looked so hurt and there was so much fear in his eyes.
"Your dad loved you so much. You were his pride and joy, his only little boy. There was nothing in the world that could ever change that. You may not remember it but I remember the love he felt for you. I can remember the first time he held you up in that operating room after I had you. The first words that come out of his mouth were that you were perfect. I think that may have been one of the best moments of his life. Bails, never forget that he loved you," Meredith said, trying not to cry as she spoke the words. She kissed his forehead and held him a little tighter. She hoped that was enough, for now.
"Thank you mama, let's go," he said. His tears now dry as he stood up next to Meredith. Meredith held him close as he walked back to where Ellis and Zola were still talking.
"I think it's time to go kids, we have a lot of time to spend on the ferry," she smiled and Ellis was the first to grin and hop up from where she was.
"Zola, can you take your brother and sister to the car. Make sure I can see you guys," she instructed, letting the kids say their goodbye's before they walked over to the car. Meredith made sure to keep them in eye-sight as she sighed. She looked up then back at the tombstone.
"Derek, it's been five years. Five. I never thought I could live without you but here I am. I bet your looking down and smiling but you don't know how hard. There are still some days that it hurts to wake up and feel the cold, empty space where you use to lay. I miss you like crazy but I know you're here. Bailey is starting soccer soon, he's so excited and he brings his soccer ball everywhere with him. I'm sure you would love to coach him on. Ellie is starting ballet with Zola, she's so excited to be doing stuff like her big sister. You would be proud of all of them, they are perfect. Some people say I should start dating again but I just can't, I can't imagine myself with any other man and I'm alright with that. I love you Derek, I promise we will come see you again soon," she said, patting the tombstone. She slowly walked over to the car, getting in with the kids. The tension seemed to have rose and Bailey joined in on Zola and Ellis's conversation. Meredith kept an eye on them as she drove to the ferry dock.
The sun was shining bright, the wind was blowing at a perfect speed, and the water was so blue. Meredith took the kids up to the top deck, sitting down while the kids sat around her.
"Mama, can you tell us a story about daddy?" Ellis begged and all three of the kids nodded along. Meredith thought for a second, deciding which story to tell.
"How about when your daddy proposed to me?" She asked and all three of them nodded happily. Meredith proceeded to tell the story of the elevator love letter, when their lives had actually began. Meredith felt Derek's presence with them as she told the story, Zola of course being the one to oh and ah at everything. Meredith knew in her heart this was the only way to spend Derek's death anniversary. This is what he would have wanted, her spending time with the kids on the almost-perfect ferryboat ride.