Author's notes: Hi there Reader, I do hope you would enjoy my first fanfic take on the scene in which Sayu confessed to Kaname in Episode 24. While a large portion of dialogue between the characters remain the same, you would notice that somehow, Kaname(The protagonist) somehow have a philosophical and analytical mindset along with Tsumugu. This is no accident and is intentional as being a person that have an interest in philosophy and psychology, I could not help but view these two characters with qualities that would match that of a philosopher. Both in some form follow the action of the Categorical Imperative devised by philosopher Immanuel Kant, in which it is a human duty to act as rational beings and do the "right" things even if it does not make them happy. While perhaps this isn't your view on the personalities of these characters its fine but who knows, they could be natural philosophers in their own right, especially since they both talk less and seem to think more.
In regard to the quote from Thomas Aquinas used, it is meant to reflect on Kaname's actions which are unreasonable due to the fact that his actions are completely unnecessary for Chisaki's happiness. Kaname can at the very least give her his advise and stop loving her but he just can't because he is acting based on"sense" rather than "reason", the very aspect needed for him to open his eyes to realise that loving Chisaki would only bring about pain and suffering upon himself for no apparent reason. Remember, Chisaki completely ignored and left Kaname hanging when he confessed five years ago prior to the Hibernation.
Anyways, I do hope that you would enjoy this story and do post your reviews or constructive criticisms if you have any. I'll take those into account in my future writings. Again, I do hope that you would enjoy this short story.
"Most men seem to live according to sense rather than reason."-Thomas Aquinas
My heart could only winch in pain as I listened to the conversation between them from behind a thin wall. I could hear everything so clearly to the point of being able to perceive the emotions that permeate from within the two beings at the other side. From her, the feeling of doubt, pain and guilt. From him, frustration, determination and an unusual hint of calmness. Being the one within my ingroup that doesn't converse much but rather prefer to observe, these are the hidden aspects of interactions which I can easily perceive without difficulty. Yet, such a rather valuable trait must come at a heavy price, I have to watch in silence and anger as my beloved Chisaki suffer in agony over the fact that the person she love loves someone else instead, that immature Hikari. Knowing this, I thought that I still have a chance but not at all, another must come and steal the pillar of my life away from me. Yet, as a rational being, it is my duty not to burden anyone with my emotional problems; I must put them aside for the sake of everyone else, even if it means not being with Chisaki in the end.
"Manaka took the place of the Ojoshi-sama for five years while I was on the surface right?" Chisaki questioned with guilt
Silence was the reply that came after that from Tsumugu, the most rational being within my ingroup. I used to see him as the ultimate embodiment of rationality, the being that could conduct the most ethical and appropriate action under any circumstances. I saw him just as Plato would have seen Socrates. But, unlike Plato who had a pure admiration for Socrates, I can only feel jealousy and anger towards Tsumugu. He is the one that stole my happiness but worse still, I cannot do anything about it. He is the perfect person for Chisaki and no matter how much I hate to admit that as an absolute, it would still by logical reasoning and syllogism, be one.
"Then this time I'll….." she continued, as if understanding what he was trying to say through his silence.
"Chisaki!" Tsumugu called out, hoping to bring her back to her senses.
At this point, the emotional load is just too much to bear. My immaterial soul silently screamed in pain, prompting my physical body to react by clenching its fists and digging deep into the flesh and bone that held it all together. I quickly released my back from the thin barrier that separate me and them and walked away, pondering on how much more of this I can take. If this goes on, I would be driven into insanity and madness just like the great philosopher Nietzsche.
"I don't know how much more of this I can take" I thought in anger and frustration while I wondered aimlessly.
The emotional pain, the anger, the frustration, all these are the very thorns that ruptured my fragile, vulnerable soul from all corners. Sometimes I have thoughts of being the ojoshi-sama. Maybe if I am the one that was sacrificed, it would've been better. Everyone else would be happy after all, even if I ceased to exist. Why should I after all exist if I'm just going to suffer in pain and agony and not be a joy to anyone? I can only sigh in anguish as I treaded the endless gloomy, desolate path that lay before me. Yet, to a normal individual, what would be perceived around and before me would be vibrant, bright and colorful with the light from the heavens above illuminating and further exalting their beauty and glory. The beautiful clear skies above me, the soft patches of snow around me to the myriad of colors of the trees and the grass around me, all of these matters not to me. I only wish for everyone to be happy and if Fate is merciful enough, for me to cease to exist. I crossed the railway track in front of me, hoping for a train to come by at any moment to knock me and tear my flesh apart. Yet, Fate is cruel; it does not want my sufferings to cease.
"Slacker!" a familiar voice erupted from behind me
"So, you like Chisaki-san." The voice replied, giving a positive statement before I could turn back and face the being that probably was stalking me.
I panicked and turned back to face the entity behind me. The familiar brunette haired and sparkling brown eyed girl greeted my eyes as I perceived her standing at the opposite end of the track. It was Sayu. Time suddenly slowed down as I panicked at the thought of someone knowing my darkest secret, the feelings of affection and love I harbor for Chisaki. I couldn't run away now. Either way, running away or facing her would result in the same outcome, ridicule and the stinging and bitter sensation of pain.
"You found me out?" I agnostically replied back instinctively with a fake smile, in hopes of hiding the emotional wounds and trauma that could erupt from within my soul at any moment.
I cannot take this anymore, yet, I must try my best to be as rational as I could, even if it means more pain and suffering. After all, it is the most moral course of action I could take, even if it means deceiving my friends around me. My reaction only spiraled the situation out of control as her facial expression quickly changed to that of anger.
"Stupid!" Sayu angrily cried out.
"Huh?" I could only reply as I suddenly perceived time as moving at normal pace again.
"You totally tried to act cool and pretend it was nothing when you asked Chisaki-san out didn't you?" she confronted.
The essence of anger permeated from her soul and clearly makes itself known through her eyes, facial expression and the obvious clenching of her fists. Yet somehow, I could somehow perceive that she is hiding something too, shrouded by the shell of anger that enshrouds it.
"I must quickly formulate an appropriate reply and escape quickly before I literally break down into insanity" my subconscious mind warned.
"So apparently you heard about that too…" I replied calmly while holding back the panic and anxiety within me.
"Yeah, I did!" She exclaimed immediately after my reply.
I could feel my heart degenerating from the inside at this point. Fear and panic are starting to be in control of my physical body as my soul slowly loses its grip upon the body which it inhibits. She knows of the feelings that I harbor for Chisaki but hopefully, she would not know of my pain.
"I don't know if she rejected you or what, but why not attack this head on? You know, actually show her your pained face like the one you just had" she angrily replied.
She doesn't know much it seems about what I have been through at this point after all; thinking that resolving my personal conflict with my feelings for Chisaki would just end it all and allow me to be happy. Surely any rational being would be concerned about the well-being of another, not committing an action if it would not be of any good to another. While I'm starting to break down, my rational self is still in control as I quickly reply to her suggestion which is most probably primarily driven by emotion rather than reason.
"What good would that do?" I asked with a tint of hopelessness.
At this point, all traces of anger within her turned into shock. Still however, I could perceive that she has some sort of motive for doing this, for torturing me emotionally just like what Chisaki had done to me.
"If she pities me, with how Chisaki and I are right now, it would be like Akari-san comforting Hikari. That would be too much for me." I reasoned in the calmest tone I can despite of my anxiety, anger and panic that is about to erupt from the confines of my soul.
"I did think about what would happen if I didn't hibernate in the sea five years ago. It would be the same. She has harbored feelings for Tsumugu and not me. I'm only an outsider. Chisaki's eyes would only shine upon others but not me" I continued.
"Stop acting like a tragic heroine!" She exclaimed with an outburst of anger.
Perhaps, honestly reasoning with her in regards to why Chisaki would never love me was an irrational course of action based on that response. I can only presuppose that she is either an irrational being or has her rationality clouded by her emotions. I couldn't do anything at this point but question her inability to recognize me as a male.
"Heroine? Why not hero?" I questioned.
"You are the same as Chisaki aren't you?" She shouted with tears flowing out from her eyes.
The radiant light of the sun shone upon her tears, giving them a unique sparkle akin to that of diamonds.
"Huh?" I replied, not understanding her.
The bell signalling the coming of a train rang loudly as the boom gates closed, creating a rift between us. I could not understand what she was trying to convey through that but it had to do with a trait that Chisaki and I shared in common. I put that thought aside as I ponder upon why did she begin to cry? There is not a single logical reason for anyone to pity me or cry in frustration towards me.
"I've always…been watching you,
I've always been looking at you!
I've waited for you!
It was all because of you. That's why i tried so hard..
So i could be a better person like you..
So you wouldn't treat me like a little kid anymore!
So you would start to see me as a girl!
The whole you were gone, you were right here!
You've been here in my heart all this time!" She proclaimed objectively as tears streamed down her face.
Just after her declaration of love, the deafening mechanical roar of the train encompassed and transcended over all other sounds around us as the train steamrolled its way past us. While all of that was happening, I could not comprehend the pure honesty, passion and faith that this girl had when confessing to me. It's the last thing that had crossed my mind as after all, I thought that I'm all alone, I have no shoulder to lean on in times of trouble and sadness. Yet, here is someone willing to be the piece that would make me whole, complete and most importantly, not alone. I allowed my emotions overwhelm my body as I began to cry, with tears pouring down on my cheeks and splattering on the ground below.
The train left us behind in a fraction of a second along with its mechanical roar as the boom barriers rise to close the rift between us.
"I…I see..I…was always in your heart" I shakily replied as I naturally cried.
"In reality…I was lonely. When I came back to the surface, Hikari-san have his family, his sister Akari-san, her husband and Akira….Chisaki have Tsumugu's family….I thought that there was no one waiting for me…I thought that I would be driven to madness from this emptiness and loneliness that I have to live with" I confessed as I continued crying.
"What the heck…you are really a kid after all" She replied while wiping the tears of love off her face.
"I'm" I said as I cleared my eyes of the tears clouding my visual perception.
"Are you disappointed that the person you admired is really like this?" I continued while acknowledging my irrationality.
"Don't be so full of yourself!" She exclaimed playfully.
At this moment, I realized that continuing to love Chisaki is an irrational act in itself as it would only damage me and her. I must accept the facts and let go rather than to dwell in my delusions that she would somehow love me if I emotionally mutilate myself. I looked up at her, realizing that she was the light that illuminates the darkness of my soul that is only occupied by loneliness and my ignorance to the truth. I'm the irrational entity the whole time, focusing and looking at Chisaki so much until the point that I have forgotten about the other independent agents that constitute an important part of my life too. What I now found, is that I have ignored the most important piece of my life the whole time, my salvation from insanity has been around me the whole time, willing to reach out to me if I just taken the initiative to actually ask instead of letting it build up until the point where I cannot take it anymore. At that point, I realized that sometimes, that the individual that has been ever so worthy to deserve my love have been there the whole time but my ignorance and irrationality had blinded me. If only..if only I opened my eyes before.
I looked up to her and asked, "Should I give you a reply to that?" I asked, drawing a reference to her confession.
"I know there's no chance right" She replied, with her eyes staring down at the ground below in depression.
"You are wrong. I...I had always been looking and focusing too much on Chisaki…."
"I know that. Enough with that already!" She exclaimed in dissatisfaction and started to walk away.
"I'll start looking at you properly, not as a little girl but a girl who is at my age. Is it ok for me to start there? About my future with you?" I inquired.
"You are so condescending" came the reaction to my inquiry.
I took a look at the person before me whom I once treated like a child who needed protection. How someone I once thought only as a sibling could somehow become the very source of light that illuminate the darkness of my shattered soul and lead me out of my delusions and abnormality. With the light of the setting sun shining forth its light onto Sayu, I could not help but notice how it exalts her beauty. Her usually brown hair turned into locks of gold as her eyes shone and sparkle like topaz. I felt as if I have seen the Ultimate Idea of Good, the most perfect form that somehow a Divine Entity out of its divine mercy have allowed me, an irrational and delusional person to gaze upon its magnificent glory.
"Thanks" I gratefully offered from my mouth as an allegorical indication of gratefulness and acceptance.
With that being said, my soul has been reborn anew with burdens and pains taken away from it. I can now fulfill my duty as an independent and rational entity with a purpose to justify its existence. I finally have someone whom I can lean on and more importantly, strive for her happiness while at the same time, fulfilling my moral obligations to Chisaki, allowing her to act as her own independent agent without any worry about having to be stabbed emotionally and go through the unnecessary pain which I went through.
I looked at Sayu once again and smiled, knowing full well that I can now let go of the past and look forward to a new future, a new genesis and learn to act more rationally like the rational entity I'm supposed to be.