Title: Of Room and Stars
Author: Awkward Turtleduck
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): Brittany x Santana
Spoilers: Through S2
Summary: Brittany thinks of rooms and stars when she thinks of Santana.
Disclaimer: Don't own anything except the words I write, and not even that, just how I weave them.
Brittany wonders how it is that Santana's presence heats up the room, like a light left on for too long. It makes her acutely aware of every sensation, like her senses go into overdrive: her eyes taking in the warm brown of the wooden walls, her nose taking in the scent of waxy citrus and sour-apple, every pore in her skin relishing the buzz of the welcome change in temperature. It's as if Brittany had been cold and only realizes it when she's with Santana; sometimes, Brittany thinks that she was asleep, like the princess in the glass coffin, all this time, and it's Santana's warmth that woke her up. Every time she thinks of this, she can't help but drape herself over her friend, gently pressing her lips on every inch of the beautifully dark skin she could find. San just feels so alive, and Britt just can't have enough of her warmth that more often than not, she finds herself tasting San as well. Brittany would let her tongue caress the spot at the corner of Santana's jaw, then down her neck, pausing to suck at the pulse point, and then dipping to San's collarbone. Santana's breath would hitch and her skin would become even warmer, until Britt just had to be inside her.
She had thought that Santana was her very own sun, and she would have been content to remain in her orbit, to keep the distance, if it had meant she could always feel her warmth. But when things got a little intense, like when there would be insinuations of their closeness, or threats to her position as the Head Bitch In-Charge, Santana would flare up, scorching everybody within reach with her vicious, vicious words before freezing up and shutting down. Sometimes, when things get really bad, Santana would make herself scarce, even to Brittany—often to Brittany, leaving only a cold meaningless void. The first few times this happened, Britt let herself be sucked into this black hole, if only to find out where her Santana went. But always she ended up in nowhere, and worse, still with no Santana. Then after realizing that diving into the void after her friend wasn't helping San at all, Britt decided to be strong and keep her distance when San gets like this. She wouldn't be pulled in, but neither would she run away. She would be just where Santana left her; she would be waiting. But even so, the gravity from the void inevitably took something from Brittany every single time it happened.
Until Brittany found herself nearly hollow.
She wondered if she'd find those missing pieces of her inside the void. So one day, she took the plunge, purposely starting up a conversation that could end up in Santana shutting down (or, Brittany hoped despite the bleak chances, steady her burning).
Brittany asked for a duet.
Santana brusquely refused her.
The rejection stung much more than Brittany expected that she forgot what it was she was supposed to do. Reeling from the cold that settled long after Santana unceremoniously left her bed, Brittany drifted to Artie. Artie was nice. He treated her as something precious (which doesn't mean he always treated her with respect, but) and never left her alone in the shadows. Artie was warm, but as Brittany soon found out, not as warm as Santana. He was light years away from her. Still, the steady beat of his rays was comforting, after Santana's vicious cycle of yellow star-red giant-supernova-black hole.
But Brittany still waited and hoped that Santana would come around. And one day, she did. She finally said the words that Brittany had waited to hear, and in that moment, Brittany found some of the pieces that she had thought she lost. But they weren't enough, not anymore. Brittany could see that the cycle would still go on, if she gave in now. Santana was still so frail, so ready to fold in herself yet again, and Brittany needed her to be strong enough for herself. With as much gentleness as she could muster, and despite the war raging inside her, she turned Santana down. And she saw it again, the flaring up of Santana's temper. Then she didn't see her for a few days afterward.
Brittany waited, and though she had a feeling that Santana wouldn't be returning to her yellow star self any time soon (she had half-expected her to shuttle back and forth between supernova and black hole), she didn't expect her light to dim so much, and for so long. Santana wouldn't even look at her. Her voice, the only thing that Brittany had access to nowadays, was frailer now. Not so scorching, but not quite cold yet.
Brittany was afraid, but she couldn't give in now. Santana was changing, and Brittany could only hope for the better.
When Brittany went to her, crying, after Artie called her stupid, Santana just held her gently.
That night when San stayed over, Brittany though that they would have sex (it had been so long after all). But they didn't. Like earlier, Santana held her, humming a song softly as she stroked Brittany's hair. This was the Santana that Brittany loved, and with this, Brittany felt more and more of her pieces coming back.
And then just like that, Santana hurt her again. This time was a little more painful since Brittany had honestly thought things were changing for the better. But to be stood up in her show, after she had put herself in the line first, after Santana sang that beautiful love song, saying that she loves her, she loves her, she loves her—
Brittany had given so much for Santana already that she couldn't quit now. But god, this hurt so much.
Santana tries to be better. And despite all the heartache, Brittany finds herself drawn to her again. Still, Brittany is wary, even as she has San wrapped in her arms, both of them lying in her bed, waiting for summer to start. Too much has happened the previous year, and just the thought of it finally ending (which doesn't necessarily mean that things will be changing, Brittany knew better than to hope too much) made her want to cry.
"Britt?" San whispers so softly.
Brittany makes a sound in her throat, afraid that if she tried to speak her voice would betray her.
San snuggles closer, burying her nose on her neck, her lips ghosting a trail from the base of her throat to her chin. Brittany tenses, wondering why this feels just like all the other times before, back when San hasn't broken her heart too badly that the pieces threatened to never mend again, that this is how it should really be, now and always.
They stay in that position, basking in each other's presence. They were so silent for so long that Brittany thought that San fell asleep. But San spoke again.
"I love how you make me feel," San begins. Brittany can feel the other girl's brows furrow in thought, struggling perhaps with the next words. San was never too good with expressing herself with words and it makes Brittany's heart ache that she's trying so hard now. And Brittany thinks that maybe, maybe she's wrong. Things have indeed changed. They may have dipped to the bad and the painful, but now they will be better. She can allow herself to hope for that much, at least.
Brittany waits again but San hesitates for too long. "How do I make you feel?" she then asks, urging the other girl on.
"Cool."
A smile quirks the corners of Brittany's mouth. She certainly wasn't expecting that. "Like a skater girl?" she teased.
San laughs and presses a kiss against the Brittany's throat. "Not that kind of cool. But yeah, I guess that applies, too." She breathes deeply. "Cool, like when you enter a room with no lights on, with the windows open. It isn't cold like in a room with the AC on. Or those freezing nights outside. Safe and cool, like a sanctuary. Like the forest we wandered to when we were kids. Cool, like you soothe the burning in my skin." San frowns again and clutches the hem of Brittany's shirt. "It feels like I'm always on fire, you know? I guess this is why I'm so angry and mean most times. I burn." Her voice drops to a barely audible whisper. "And that's why I need you."
Brittany's heart flutters and her voice hitches as she tries to speak. So instead she settles to pressing her lips against the top of San's head, again and again.
With each kiss she says, Me, too, San. Me, too.
Brittany thinks that if Santana is the sun, then she wouldn't just be a planet rotating around it. She would be the universe that holds her. This is much more than she thinks she can be, but in order to keep Santana, to hold her within, to give her the place to be her beautiful burning self, Brittany is willing to be so much more.
After all, together, anything is possible.