Maturity
Summary: Between demons and groping, is it any wonder that Sora's afraid of...ahem, 'gentleman's clubs?'
"Eep."
"Gawrsh Sora...you okay?"
"Here? Why here? Why couldn't we have crash landed in the pits of hell? Or in Ansem's bedroom? Why here?" The outburst (a mixture of fear and discomfort) was particularly uncharacteristic of the usually bright keybearer. His eyes were wide with panic, flicking between strippers dancing erotically.
Somehow, by some terrible accident, Sora, Donald and Goofy had ended up in Transverse Town's notorious brothel; The Spider's Vine. And not simply because it was a brothel either.
The Spider's Vine was run by the aptly named Spider Queen (AKA The Prostitute Spider) and her demon cohorts. So the level of perversion present in the place made the rest of the red light district seem like a nunnery in comparison.
And the Spider Queen (as well of the rest of the employees) and the trio in her sights. Or more specifically, she had Sora in her sights, eyes lit up in recognition. Her smile could have sent shivers down a nobody's spine...and considering that she was currently sat on one's lap, it seemed like she'd already achieved that. The Queen jumped off the black coat's lap, slinking over to the trio, six arms poised to grasp her prey. "Well hello there..." She didn't say the words so much as molest them. "We've met before, haven't we? Yes...You waltzed in here accidentally with naïve, virginal eyes. And it was adorable." The Queen dragged out the last words, making a show of her very long tongue. She took a long drag from her cigarette, blowing rings of smoke at the three. It seemed to be doing a fair bit of groping itself. Donald and Goofy sputtered. Sora seemed to have frozen.
The Spider Queen gave a low laugh, before grasping up the keybearer. "Oh you're so cute!" She kissed his cheek. "I quite like you." Using a spare arm, she waved away Donald and Goofy. "Yeah, I'm keeping him. Come back later."
For about three seconds, Donald and Goofy stood in shock.
And then Donald Duck exploded into a mass of magic, rage and incoherency.
"A-hyuk. That sure was impressive!" Commented the knight as he put out the final, hell-fire flame on the duck's head. "I didn't know you could pull off magic like that!"
"Aw phooey!" Donald squawked. "That stupid woman's nothing but trouble!" He brushed the soot off his hat. "None of them even flinched!" The cheerful response came,
"Well they are demons...maybe we need a different approach!" Donald sighed, staring back at the hive of villainy. "Cheer up! We'll get Sora back in no time! Smiles all round Donald!"
Meanwhile-
The Spider Queen was happier than anyone had seen her for years. She almost sang in abject glee, scaring those who knew her well enough. And Sora of course, who stared at the passing monstrosities with puppy-dog eyes, silently begging them to save him.
Several nearly did when the Queen appeared with chains.
"Donald, I'm not sure this is such a good idea..." Goofy started as they stared at the moon with the unicorn face. "I mean, you want to call up the demon god?"
"Yup!" They duck raised his staff high-
-And immediately launched into a very loud rant. "HEEEEEEY! DEMON GOD! EMPEROR OF ETERNAL DARKNESS! YAMI!" He screeched, startling the wildlife. "GET DOWN HERE AND DEAL WITH YOUR STUPID QUEEN!" Silence. Four stars moved and the horse vanished.
Predictably, there was no sign of the demon, but the night became darker. Donald scowled.
After much discussion, the pair decided to visit the most powerful holy mage they knew- Her most esteemed excellency, Queen Minerva 'Minnie' Mouse. Ever helpful, they were sure she could help them rescue Sora. However, they were not expecting to see their beloved leader firing off her signature spell against a few thousand heartless. Nor were they expecting Daisy Duck to intervene with her own hammer. "Oh! Good morning!" Minnie curtsied to them, bashing a Large Body far away. "Are you well?"
"Donald! Goofy!" Chirped Daisy, having brutalised a disturbing number of monsters. Donald gaped. "Ah-but-you-WHAAAAT?" The women tittered.
"Ah! Come along boys. Let's take tea, shall we?" With that simple statement, the remaining heartless fled. The males made a mental note never to anger the queen or her lady in waiting.
Somewhere far away, deep within the darkness, a session of Riku-torment was interrupted by an influx of panicking heartless, all squeaking for attention.
"I'm sorry...I don't think I can help you." Minnie sighed sadly. "I can't afford to leave. We've had so many monsters recently..." She sipped at her tea, absently looking to the ceiling. "Not just heartless either! Do you remember the darkspawn Daisy? I can't imagine why they thought there was something important buried here!" The duck nodded. "Honestly. We had to call back Oswald and...ugh, Mortimer," Her face darkened considerably, "To help us get rid of them."
"But your majesty! Do you have any ideas for how we could get Sora out of there?" Minnie was silent, staring into her cup.
She smiled brightly. "I've got one."
Enlisting Mortimer Mouse felt like it should have been harder. And yet, with the right words (and a flash of cash), the irritating thing with spritzing up his mouth, fiddling a bowtie and stood outside the Spider's Vine. The cologne could've been smelt miles away, which probably explained why the heartless were glaring at him from the shadows, covering their little faces. He was ready to cause a distraction. It was hardly a complex plan, but Donald and Goofy couldn't help but think that maybe it was an excuse for Minnie to punish Mortimer without getting directly involved. Mickey had always said to watch out for her temper... None the less, Donald and Goofy had rigged fireworks outside, just in case something went horribly wrong. Given that Mortimer was involved, this was considered a sensible risk. "Break a leg, Mortimer!" Called Goofy, waving him off. He cocky mouse strutted straight through the front door, giving a holler. "Hello there, m'dear demonic mistresses! Mortimer's getting some tonight!"
At the sounds of screaming, the two began their infiltration. Passing the group of enraged demons, they stuck to the wall, hoping to find the stairs. Avoiding the edge of what Goofy hoped was a tail covered in red paint, Donald and Goofy moved their way towards the Spider Queen's lair.
The thin web vibrated against the Queen's hand as she absently stroked her prisoners hair. Having regained some semblance of a spine, Sora struggled against the chains and gag, unable to manoeuvre his keyblade to get the damn shackles off. Or, indeed, to even hold onto the keyblade, given that whenever he summoned it, she decided it would be a wonderful time to start groping his currently nude body, or removing the gag and shoving her tongue down his throat.
And she seemed even fonder of doing both.
"Oh? I think we have a visitor. Won't that be nice?" She smiled widely enough to put the Cheshire Cat to shame, giggling as the camera showed Donald and Goofy at the edge of a large brawl. The Queen laughed, flicking her wrist until an ox appeared in a swathe of fire. "Hello Crimson Helm!" She laughed, ignoring Sora's sudden silence. "Could you please throw out the dog and the duck for me? I want to keep this one a while longer." The ox didn't say anything. "...I know he's not my usual type. It's for a friend okay?" … "Nah, Ninetails probably wants to hurt that other mouse more..." The ox grunted and vanished. The Spider Queen smirked, turning back to Sora. "Hey, he won't kill them! I wonder if company would cheer you up...In all seriousness though, man or woman? Because I have excellent people in mind either way."
Through the gag, Sora somehow managed to scream.
Far away, a heated argument was silenced. "Why can I hear the agonised wails of your boyfriend Riku?"
"For the last time, he's not my boyfriend!"
"Yet...~"
And yet another heated argument began.
Donald jumped about a mile in the air when Crimson Helm appeared. The ox roared, spewing flames at the pair, hooves hammering against clean floors. Regaining composure, the mage started to pull up his magic-
Only to be flicked away. Donald squawked, leaving Goofy to take over the battle. He fared better, knocking away the armour with his shield. It howled, swiping blindly as Goofy hit it's face. The demons had taken time away from tormenting Mortimer, cheering on the latest brawl. Donald recovered, throwing himself back into the fight and somehow managing to land on Crimson Helm's back. He smashed at it furiously. The ox tried in vain to buck him off wildly. Magic hit critical. Donald laughed maniacally.
Blizzaga was cast.
The Spider Queen whistled as she watched her brothel turn into Christmas Town, leaving her prisoner to the man she'd called in. Ignoring his yelps, she made sure that the duck wouldn't get into any of the more expensive chambers...
It took hours, and there was more than one casualty, but Donald was eventually wrestled out of the Spider's Vine. Several demons had to be called in to pull him away. "Phew! Thanks misters!" Goofy panted cheerfully, handing the imps some munny. "Sorry 'bout the mess!"
"Aight!" Was the response. They scampered away, snatching at their prize. Donald still seethed, magic sparking. What few heartless remained in Transverse Town let their eyes go wide and vanished.
For a moment, there was a peaceful silence. "Gawrsh Donald!" Goofy started in a panic. "We forgot Mortimer!"
In Disney Castle, Minnie smirked in an uncharacteristic manner, watching the nine-tailed fox bat at the mouse. Behind her, an army of nobodies thought it prudent to retreat. A scream erupted from Mortimer as the fox pulled out her nine-pronged sword, swinging it madly.
Minnie laughed and the nobodies fled.
Even further away, Xemnas had a horrible sense of deja vu as a wave of dusks swarmed his office.
"Sure he's gonna be alright?" Goofy said cautiously, from a seedy (yet less so than the infamous brothel) bar. It was rare that he nursed a drink, particularly any that were alcoholic, but Donald seemed to be in such a bad mood... And there were no ice cream bars lying around.
"Here." Growled the server. "Beer and absinthe. Nice choices." The two glasses clinked down, thankfully received. The plan with Mortimer hadn't quite failed- clearly she had some way of detecting when they were there... Goofy sighed, watching the mage swing back his drink. Bright green and ethereal.
Brilliance hit him. "That's it!" He cried out, grinning. The duck fell off his chair in shock and several patrons grasped their weapons nervously. Goofy paid them no mind. "Donald, I got an idea! We've been thinking about this wrong!"
He pulled the suck up from the floor, rushing out of the door. "What's the big idea?" Donald raged. "We need to think about this differently Donald! We need to see someone who knows demons!" He was almost dancing his way to the Gummi ship. "Come on Donald, me old pal, we're going to see Maleficent!"
…
"WHAT?"
'The Adventures of Donald and Goofy' had attracted something of a crowd in the brothel. Alcohol was free flowing within the den; even Sora unwillingly swallowed a pint or seven. The two demons sandwiching him (she'd picked up a male, in the end. At least, Sora assumed it was a man...) were particularly hammered, becoming less touchy feely and more group hug!
Of course, they were laughing in glee at the latest experience. "Oh my...that is a turn!" The male hooted, long tongue sticking out. "Well, Sora, do you think your friends will be able to get anything useful out of Maleficent?"
Suddenly, Sora wanted to be very, very drunk.
The situation had become surprisingly awkward as the Disney duo accidentally piloting into the wrong area of Hollow Bastion. Thus, they walked straight into one of the many heated arguments between Riku and Ansem, seeker of darkness. "And that's why you're an absolute- Hey! Put me down!"
"Make me, brat-" They stopped their argument, giving Donald and Goofy eerily similar questioning expressions. "Hmph. Well what do you know, it's your friend's replacements!" Said the heartless cheerfully, floating in the air. "To what do we owe this pleasure?" The two glared at him.
"Put Riku down!" He grinned, dropping the boy and prompting a yelp.
"Now now-" Started Goofy, always the peacemaker. "We just want to see Maleficent!" The two dark ones blinked. "Why?" Riku asked.
"Well y'see, Sora's been kidnapped by an evil spider prostitute-" The knight was cut off by a laugh and a thud. Ansem had started to laugh.
Riku, on the other hand, had fainted.
Once the heartless stopped laughing, he did agree to take them to the dark fairy. Throwing Riku over his shoulder, he portalled to the sorceress. She was cooing to her bird, raising a single eyebrow when the group appeared. "Well well well. The duo from Disney Castle. Where's your precious keyblade master?" She took a moment to observe the other pair. "And...why is he unconscious?" The heartless grinned.
"He received some bad news." She glared at him. Donald raged to get their attention.
"We don't have time for this!" Donald mimicked Maleficent's expression. "How do you kill a demon?" She looked shocked for a moment, trading it for bored irritation. A flick of her wrist and several books flew from the shelves. "As demons' hearts tend to react rather badly with the heartless, I see no reason not to help you." She explained. "Now- what sort of demon?"
A sheepish glance between the two from Disney Castle. "Uh...a brothel full of them." Maleficent sighed. "This is going to be a long conversation..."
Given that he was now quite thoroughly hammered, Sora's gag had come off. And, much to the amusement of the demons, he was relating his inner feelings...In a particularly explicit manner. "An'...an' Kairi's hot...She's niiice too." He slurred, taking another swig of the infamous sake the snake had provided them with. "But! Hic...Riku's hot too...and a flaming hic! Why else would he hang around with...with a shirtless dude in leather?" That prompted a laugh from the group. "I like 'em booooth...Hey Debbie?" He tugged at the possibly a male's incredibly tight clothing. "You reckon they'd be up for a threesome?"
"For the last time, my name is Ghirahim!" Sora fell back onto the man's chest, batting at his hair. "Shut up Debbie." The Spider Queen looked at him fondly, petting the weapon that he dared to call hair. "You'd make an excellent minion, pretty boy. Provided you were sloshed."
After Maleficent's incredibly detailed instructions on how to destroy any number of demons, Donald and Goofy went on their way. The fairy chuckled as they left. Ansem still had Riku flung over his shoulder, waving them away cheerfully.
Shivers all around.
"Why's he touching up my bitch?" Sora growled at the screen. "Riku's mine and/or Kairi's!"
The first stop was the Mushroom Kingdom. Not bothering to transform, Goofy was sent to charge blindly until they found a specific type of mushroom. No one really seemed too concerned about the dog and duck. Even the princess simply offered them tea and cake as she was being kidnapped by a giant turtle thing. After Goofy had smashed his head against enough blocks to find the mushroom, they immediately charged back to the Gummi Ship, killing hundreds of Goombas on the way.
It was difficult to surprise a nobody, but all thirteen of the human ones were rather shocked as Donald Duck landed directly on their superior, madly demanding that he hand over one of the legendary coats.
If getting into a fight with a nobody was the extent of Donald's growing rage, it probably would've been alright. Upon entering the world of Ooo though, it seemed to multiply.
Goofy and the kidnapped nobody (he had refused to take off his coat) stared aghast as Donald charged at the infamous Lich with some magical fireworks. They were even more surprised when, much to everyone's disdain, he managed to wrestle it's arm away.
Hyrule was used to strange occurrences. And given that Donald had already damned the legendary world order, he decided to continue doing so. Hyrule may have been used to strange events, but neither the princess, nor the hero and especially not the evil king expected a duck to intervene in their battle. And they certainly didn't expect Donald to steal Ganon's sword.
It turned out that having the nobody around was quite useful, as he was strong enough to carry the massive blade without difficulty. The new trio arrived at the Spider's Vine, prepared to attack all the demons inside and rescue their friend. The nobody quite wisely elected to stay outside, examining the fireworks from the Mortimer Plan. He tossed them his coat, asking that they didn't ruin it.
A quick nod of reassurance. A war cry.
Donald and Goofy charged.
The crashed downstairs prompted the Queen to check her security. Most in the room had fallen into an alcohol induced slumber. She stared at the screen, watching the employees fail against the holy blade and...a crown...The Queen hissed. "The Lich..." Glaring, the Spider swept herself away from the unconscious group, beginning to mutate...
The barrage was interrupted by the Spider Queen, larger and eyeless, flinging her web across the room and pinning them down. Acidic poison cropped between her gargantuan fangs, pacing over to the duo. The Lich's arm was independent of them, floating with a frightening glow. "Idiots..." She hissed. "Why would you try to use the lich?" The rotten limb flung itself towards the new combatant, avoiding her webs and trying to stab the Queen. She flung a hard back towards it, sending the thing reeling towards the pair. A low hum of spells came from the thing, trying to enchant, to control- The Spider Queen was having none of it, slashing at the arm. She smashed it away, releasing the two from her webs. She was clearly starting to struggle, spells becoming louder and louder-
"Flare!" The magic burnt at the arm, turning its attention away from the Queen. It flew around, wrapping itself around Donald's staff until Goofy smacked it away with his shield. It didn't seem to take much damage, turning to its new target and gripping his throat. The Spider used her strength to pull it off, throwing it out of the window.
The nobody's eyes went wide. It immediately shot the fireworks off at the rotting arm, destroying the mass of old muscle and cracking bone. Nothing but dust remained.
The three panted in the web covered bar. Donald shrieked at the Spider, "Give us back Sora!" She made a face, lacking eyes.
"Hah...Alright." The Spider Queen morphed back into a more reasonable size, even if she still towered over the other two. "You pulled part of the lich into here. What's wrong with you? Riddle me THAT and you can have your friend." The Queen scowled, forming a chair out of her webs. "And for the record? Webs don't burn. So don't try fire."
"Miss, we're only asking for our friend back!" Goofy pleaded. "C'mon, have a heart!" It was clear that tension was building when she tore through the hardened webs with long claws. The other two took a defensive stance, ready for anything that she might try.
"Pardon me, but did someone call?" Came a deadpan voice, room turning darker as metal and hooves interrupted the conversation. Donald and Goofy turned around as the Spider Queen gasped and fell into a bow. "Lord Yami!"
…
"WHAT?" Donald shouted. "But-I-You-When-How-WHERE WERE YOU?" He jumped up to the demon god's neck, feathers clasping around metal. "We did all kinds of stupid, suicidal things to get Sora back from the crazy lady!"
"So I saw." He said. "I was busy in Equestria." He gestured to the alicorn. "This is Princess Luna." The pony blushed, bowing her head at the two. "I was discussing something of utmost importance." He raised an eyebrow. "So what was so important that you tried to strangle me? I am duty bound to relay anything to do with my subjects."
"She took the keybearer! Make her give back Sora!"
Several very interesting things happened in the next few moments. The Spider Queen raised an eyebrow as the Yami looked between the three of them, eventually settling on Princess Luna.
The Demon God and the Alicorn promptly fell over in a fit of laughter. Between the giggled, he pointed at the queen, issuing orders in a strange language.
Eventually, Sora got out. Dazed and rather hungover, several of the demons offered rather...close farewells. The Spider Queen herself handed him a card, giving one last traumatising hug and kiss. Yami and Luna were still laughing as Sora ran away.
The night started to fade as the two gods vanished. Giving a final bow and talking of 'important matters' involving a mask and a moon, they disappeared into the night.
And so, life returned to relative normalcy. Sora received many interesting phone calls, and the duo from Disney discovered that the kingdom had been gifted with the title of 'Oh God It's Her Again' by a race of genocidal aliens, causing a man known as The Doctor to arrive and give her a medal. Mortimer Mouse was eventually returned by way of a body bag, several potions and Minnie getting a new pen-pal.
Life was good.
On a sunny series of islands, far away, two woman sat sipping drinks. They were waiting for someone. Sure enough, two alicorns, a pair of scantily clad demons and the dark god showed up. The brunette smiled at them all, offering drinks. "Hello! Did it work?" The Spider Queen and 'Debbie' looked at each other with equally perverse grins. "Well miss- you'll probably be getting grandkids." A pause. "And a son in law. And a daughter in law." She pointed to the other woman, silver haired. "Same goes for your son." They tittered to each other, clinking colourful glasses.
"Thank you very much." The brunette grinned. "I didn't know that demons tended to grant wishes on stars... Or that they teamed up with God ponies!" A laugh went around the group.
"Well...I needed to test my sister's ability to relate to people somehow." The white alicorn said, nuzzling her blushing sister. "I think she succeeded!"
"Indeed Celestia." Hummed Yami, adjusting his right hand. "Princess Luan is a marvellous negotiator." The two women gave payment to the group, waving as they all left in various ways. They looked at each other deeply, raising a toast. "I can't believe you sometimes." Said the silver haired one, smiling. "And they say that my Riku gets into trouble."
"Oh Siara...Sora just tends to make bigger messes." The keybearer's mother smiled. Both of theirs turned perverse. "So...Siara...When that nobody and his heartless inevitably come here, which one do you want?"
Riku's mother gazed off into space with an expression that would make most villains jealous. She laughed under her breath, shadow growing longer as the sun set on their glorious islands.
Very far off, in separate areas, four people in various states of existence shivered with dread.
A/N: I FINALLY FINISHED A FANFIC. GOOD GOD HURRAY! I consider this a prequel to one of my coming works, which will alternate with a more serious Zelda fic. I hope you enjoyed this one! And yes, I support Sora/Kairi/Riku. NEED MOAR OT3.