Vi et Animo (With Heart & Soul)
Chapter 1
The Burdon of Memory
The sun was just beginning to peek through the windows of a small hospital room as its sole occupant slowly woke. She tried to sit herself up but the sudden rush of blood to her head left her feeling too dizzy; her limbs and head were too heavy and she felt as if she had been drugged. She noted how much her head had begun to ache, dull throbs echoing throughout her skull, and raised her hands to feel for a wound. When she could find no obvious cuts or even bandages, she tried desperately to remember just how it was she happened to even be at the hospital; but as much as she tried, she couldn't remember a thing. She threw her hands back down in frustration as an old man with a very long white beard stepped casually into her room.
"Albus!" the woman exclaimed, happy to be able to remember something, someone, as he took a seat beside her bed.
"How are you feeling Lily?"
"I… I don't know. I'm not sure. Did something happen? I can't remember if anything happened."
Albus Dumbledore nodded slowly.
"That is understandable. The healers decided to cast a confundus charm on you," he said sombrely. "They seem to think you stand a better chance of recovery if you don't remember too much just yet."
Lily squinted at him.
"I've never heard of healers doing any such thing," she said sharply. "Just what is it that I'm not supposed to remember?"
"The healers believed, and I must admit that I agreed with them, that you would not be willing to fight your injuries, that you would just give up if you had remembered the events of last night."
Lily tried to raise herself higher in bed and glared darkly at Dumbledore.
"Tell me what happened," she demanded. "Where is James? Where's Harry?"
Dumbledore lowered his head slowly for a moment and when he eventually looked up to meet Lily's eyes, they were filled with tears.
"WHAT?" Lily shouted. "Tell me!"
"Voldemort found out where you were hiding."
Lily shook her head.
"No, he couldn't," she said. "We-"
"You were betrayed. Voldemort found your home because he was told how to."
"It's not possible. No one would have betrayed us like that. Where are Harry and James?"
"James was trying to protect you and Harry. I'm sorry Lily but he was killed."
Lily started shaking her head.
"No, no, no, no, no! You're lying!" she pleaded.
She tried to pull herself out of bed but Dumbledore pressed strong but gentle hands against her shoulders.
"I am so very sorry Lily," he said, his blue eyes mirroring her own heartache.
"H-Harry?" Lily asked through sobs.
"Voldemort was told of a prophecy about a child who would come to defeat him. He believed that your son was that child."
"Where is he?" Lily asked again, her voice quivering.
"Voldemort came to your house intent on killing Harry. I am afraid Lily that he… succeeded."
Lily let out a blood-curdling scream and began thrashing her arms and legs. The noise brought two healers running in and Lily continued fighting violently as they tried to restrain her. The larger of the healers leaned hard against Lily's chest and held her head while a young nurse forced Lily to drink a potion. Within seconds Lily fell back against her pillow, breathing slowly.
"Now you know why we didn't want her remembering," the big healer said glaring at Dumbledore as they left the room.
Dumbledore shifted Lily into a more comfortable position on her pillows and pulled the blankets back over her. He leaned in and gave Lily a soft kiss on the forehead then turned and left the ward.
Dumbledore sat in his office back at Hogwarts, his elbows resting on the hard wood of his desk as he rubbed his temples. The events of the last few days had deeply unsettled the usually composed wizard; now he just felt like the old man he was.
Albus Dumbledore knew that much blame of recent events rested on his shoulders; he was responsible for keeping James and Lily Potter and their infant son Harry safe. The whole of the Order of the Phoenix knew Voldemort would try to kill the baby in order to prevent the prophecy coming true.
Dumbledore slapped his hand down angrily onto his desk. What made him think that a simple fidelius could keep them safe from the clutches of a madman like Voldemort? He breathed deeply, trying to regain some composure and blinked away tears. Dumbledore could try to convince himself that it was not his fault that James and Harry were now dead, but knew he could never believe it.
A knock came at the office door so quietly that Dumbledore barely heard it. At the second knock Dumbledore breathed deep again, wiped his eyes a last time and called for his visitor to enter.
The man that stepped meekly through the door was Severus Snape, a former Hogwarts student who had spent the last few years since his graduation under the wing of Voldemort himself.
Dumbledore's sharp blue eyes pierced into Severus' black ones, causing the young man to start wringing his hands nervously.
"P-Professor," Severus began. "How-how is she?"
"How is she?" Dumbledore repeated quietly. "Are you not going to ask about her husband who was slain as he tried to protect his family? Or about her only child, just a baby, killed in his own cradle?"
Dumbledore continued to glare angrily at Severus who took a chance to take a few steps closer to the desk.
"I am sorry," he said. "I do not mean to imply that I do not care about what has happened. In fact in the light of the role that I played in the events, I feel… quite… upset."
"Upset indeed. But you have only come here to ask about Lily."
Severus lowered his head.
"I cannot pretend that I am not relieved that Lily is okay," he said.
"How could I have forgotten that Severus Snape always does what is right by Severus Snape?" Dumbledore said as he stood and took long strides to where the young man stood on the centre of a carpet square. "You came to me merely days ago and begged for me to protect Lily, said that Voldemort had been given information that put the Potters in danger."
Severus tried to remain standing tall as Dumbledore, only an inch taller, glared down angrily.
"I-"
"And it was you who led Voldemort straight to them in the first place!"
Severus stood defiant, dark eyes holding Dumbledore's gaze.
"You know that I had no way of knowing who the Dark Lord would think the prophecy was about," he said. "I just wanted to please my master by sharing the information with him."
"Information that you had no right to hear in the first place!"
"You are right," Severus said lowering his head. "My actions led to this happening and for that I shall forever be tormented. But I am here now in an effort to make amends."
Dumbledore sighed.
"Has your master displeased you? I thought Lily's survival must have meant you were very much in favour with Voldemort. Weren't you pleased that he spared her life?"
"Of course I was!" Severus spat. "I begged the Dark Lord to spare her but he could make no promises. I had not held out much hope."
"So it was only James and Harry that were expendable?" Dumbledore said raising his voice. "They are dead but Lily is alive so all's well."
Severus continued looking at the floor, focused on the patterns on the carpet square.
"You cannot make me feel any more ashamed," he said. "But I refuse to feel anything but relief that the woman I… I love… is alive."
Dumbledore sighed and turned his back on Severus, walking back to his desk.
"So what do you want from me? Why are you here?"
"I do not wish to remain a Death Eater; I cannot continue to serve the Dark Lord knowing how easily he could have killed Lily tonight. Killed her and thought nothing of it."
Dumbledore pursed his lips.
"Please Dumbledore, give me your forgiveness and I pledge you my loyalty."
"To tell the truth Severus, I am unsure what to make of this turn-around. Surely you can understand given your Death Eater actions in the past few years."
"It was never in my heart to cause pain to anyone, you must believe this. The Dark Arts were just so alluring, so seductive, that as a young man seeking acceptance somewhere, anywhere, I could not see clearly. It is only after I have come so close to losing Lily that I can truly understand how wrong these ways have been."
"That is either a very heartfelt speech or a very well rehearsed one," Dumbledore mused stroking his long beard.
"Sir?"
"Am I to believe in this change of heart as genuine or that perhaps Lord Voldemort has sent you here himself to act as a spy."
Severus looked down at his feet and began wringing his hands again.
"I can offer you only my word Dumbledore and hope that it will be enough."
"I hope you will understand that I may need more assurance than that."
Severus looked up, a puzzled frown creasing his brow as Dumbledore continued.
"Severus Snape, will you be willing to pledge your loyalty to me and to the Order of the Phoenix?"
"Of course," he answered without hesitation.
"Will you take the Unbreakable Vow?"
Severus nodded.
"For you," he said. "And for Lily."
A high-pitched shriek echoed around the walls of the sitting room in Lucius Malfoy's manor home.
"WHERE IS HE?" Voldemort demanded as he began pulling ornaments off shelves and hurling them across the room.
Malfoy dodged a large vase.
"My Lord, he is at Hogwarts."
"HOGWARTS?" Voldemort roared and shoved his fist through a wall.
"Y-yes my Lord, he has presumably run off to hide under Dumbledore's robes for protection."
Voldemort's eyes flashed with fury.
"Never!" he roared. "I will not let that traitor Snape get away with humiliating me like this. NO-NO-NO one walks away from me and lives!"
"We shall see that he pays Master," Malfoy said bowing low.
"I do not understand Lucius, we should be celebrating tonight. We have just had a great victory! The child foreseen in the prophecy, the child who would have brought about my defeat is dead!"
"And now nothing stands in your way Master."
"Malfoy was now bowing so low he could have kissed Voldemort's feet if he wanted. Voldemort looked down at him and rolled his eyes.
"Thankfully the loyalties of all my Death Eaters are not as fickle as that of Severus Snape's."
"The Potter woman," Malfoy offered. "It seems she has corrupted him. Severus fell in l-"
Voldemort cut him off with a hateful laugh.
"He is incapable of such emotions. He is a young and naive shell of a man, full of nothing but lust. I should have destroyed the pathetic woman along with the rest of her family."
"My Lord?"
Voldemort waved a hand to dismiss Malfoy's questioning look.
"Snape begged me to spare the wench's life. I had no intention of going out of my way to do so but as it turned out she was easy enough to push aside."
"What shall we do about Severus then?"
"Kill him," Voldemort ordered. "Anyone who betrays me will pay the ultimate price."
Later that same night, a world away from Malfoy Manor, a group of old friends sat down together at a table in a crowded bar. The hard rain crashing down onto the tiled roof mirrored the moods of the friends; while all around them people drank and talked happily, the small group stared sombrely into their goblets.
One of the group, a half-giant, took a small sip of his drink before he suddenly burst into tears. He pulled a tablecloth-sized handkerchief from his pocket and blew into it as Minerva McGonagall patted him on the back.
"You need to be strong Hagrid," she said. "No doubt Lily will need us to be at our best to help her get through this."
Hagrid nodded from behind his handkerchief, and after another loud blow, tucked it away.
"I jus' cannot believe it!" he sobbed. "James an' baby Harry, jus' gone!"
"It is a lot to take in," Pomona Sprout said from across the table. "James was a good man and Harry… poor little…he was just…"
Sprout could barely finish, tears running down her round cheeks.
"Just a baby," Filius Flitwick finished, shaking his head.
"A poor innocent baby," Hagrid added, his own tears still falling.
McGonagall continued to console him to no avail as Hagrid's sobs were now drawing the attention of the other customers. He stopped suddenly when a large hand grabbed hold of his shoulder.
"Mind if we join you?"
Hagrid turned around to see Sirius Black and Alastor Moody; both of their tired faces told stories of sadness and anger. The two men pulled chairs away from a nearby table and sat amongst their friends.
Hagrid pushed drinks to towards them and Moody raised his goblet.
"To Lily," he toasted.
"To Lily," the group chorused, raising their goblets high.
They all drank and sat in quiet contemplation of the nights events. Sirius Black gulped down the contents of his goblet and slammed it onto the table.
"What are we all wasting time sitting here for when we should be doing something?"
"And just what would you propose?" McGonagall asked.
"Tonight I caught Sirius about to blast away a Muggle neighbourhood," Moody said gruffly. "I can only imagine the damage he would have caused if I hadn't gotten to him in time."
"I wouldn't have hurt any of them!" Sirius snapped. "It was Peter I was after; Pettigrew was James & Lily's secret-keeper and the traitor gave them up to Voldemort!"
"And what did you think killing Peter would have achieved?" McGonagall reprimanded.
"He needed to pay!"
Around the table, several nodded in agreement.
"Indeed," Pamona Sprout said. "But these things need to be handled properly."
"With planning," McGonagall added. "Your slap dash attempt could have got innocent Muggles killed."
Sirius stood and stomped over to the bar, taking a seat there and ordering himself a fresh drink.
"Do we know how Lily is?" Moody asked turning his attention away from Sirius. "Can she have visitors yet?"
"Albus went to see her this morning," McGonagall said. "He had to break the news to her about James and Harry so you can imagine how she was."
"She will need a lot of time to get through this," Sprout sniffed.
"And friendship," McGonagall added.
"And love," Hagrid said with fresh tears welling in his eyes.
McGonagall nodded slowly.
"Albus says he wants her to stay at Hogwarts for a while. He is not sure if she will feel safe anywhere else just now," she said.
The small group all looked down at the table and sat silently for several moments until Hagrid raised his goblet.
"To Lily," he toasted again.
"And James," Flitwick added.
"And baby Harry," Sprout said raising her own drink.
Lily sat up in her hospital bed, propped up on pillows and staring out the window, when a light knock came on the door. It slowly opened and Severus Snape stepped tentatively through. Lily frowned.
"That's a surprise," Lily said. "You're the last person I ever would have expected to see. What do you want?"
Severus slowly edged closer to her bed, his head hung low. When he reached her bed, Severus looked up, trying to talk, but when he caught the pain in her green eyes, he dropped his head again.
"Just leave," Lily said. "We haven't spoken for so long, what could you possibly have to say now that you think I would want to hear?"
"I am sorry," Severus began. "Sorry that you have lost your family."
"Bugger off!" Lily snapped. "I don't care what you've got to say. Run back to your master and congratulate him on yet another job well done."
Severus shook his head slowly.
"I am sorry… I need your forgiveness."
Lily gave a laugh.
"It is my fault James and Harry are dead," he continued. "It was an accident that I overheard a prophecy. I was so keen to impress the Dark Lord that I ran to tell him; I did not know who it was about. I had no idea what he would do."
Lily let out a cry of rage and anguish, a noise that startled Severus into taking several steps toward the door.
Lily took hold of a water jug beside her bed and hauled it at him. He didn't bother trying to avoid the jug as it hit his chest and water exploded over his robes.
"I am sorry," he said again as he continued backing away.
"I never want to see you again; you are dead to me!" Lily howled.
Severus turned and fled, pulling the door shut behind him. He pressed his back to the door and could hear Lily sobbing loudly on the other side. Tears filled his eyes as he listened for as long as he could bear before rushing off down the corridor.