Don't ya get it man?
It had been 10 years since he came back, 10 years since he admitted he wasn't good enough, ten years of living with the shame.
Yes he had saved Red Dwarf from the chameleonic microbe, and he enjoyed showing off about it, but he knew, he knew it was a fluke.
Rimmer was sat on his bunk, elbows on his knees, when his bunkmate Lister walked in.
Lister: Smeg Head
Rimmer: Fine thanks Lister you?
Lister: No listen man, remember that Curry I was eating before I fell asleep last night?
Rimmer: Yes (Rimmer turns round and looks at the Masala sauce dripping down the wall and onto his bunk)
Lister: Ah Brutal there it is (Lister leans over Rimmer, mops up the dripping sauce with a bit of Naan bread and proceeds to eat it, Rimmer winces)
Lister: What's the matter with you?
Rimmer: Me? Nothing, why?
Lister: I've spilt curry on your bed and not only have you decided against trying to eject me into space you haven't even called me a smeg head?
Rimmer: (still distant and distracted) oh right yeah, Lister you're a smeg head
Lister: Ok what's wrong?
Rimmer: (sighs heavily) Do you know what today is?
Lister: err Thursday
Rimmer: No you goit, I mean…
Lister: (Thinking quickly) ahhh, haha you thought I'd forgotten didn't you?
(Rimmer Smiles)
Lister: Happy Birthday man….. (Rimmer rolls his eyes) Christmas? Easter?...Halloween?...errr Pancake Day?
Rimmer: Today, smeg for brains, is ten years to the day I came back.
Lister: Oh right yeah, when you accidentally stopped the….
Rimmer: When I bravely rescued you from the chameleonic microbe yes.
Lister: and tricked the nano version of you into becoming Ace
Rimmer: I didn't trick, I persuaded
Lister: You drugged him, put the wig and uniform on him and set The Wildfire to autopilot.
Rimmer: It was to calm his nerves.
Lister: So why so down? I thought you wanted to come back?
Rimmer: Well I had to didn't I? I'm no hero, I'm no space adventurer, I'm a cowardly, conniving weasely smeg head, I was, am and always will be the inferior Rimmer?
Lister: (Genuinely surprised) Eh?
Rimmer: I tried to be the better version of me and I failed
Lister: Rimmer? Don't ya get it man?
(Raising his voice) You're right, you are a cowardly, conniving, weasely smeg head, you have all the wit and charm of a tuna sandwich, you lie, you cheat, you irritate everyone you meet, you are the kind of anally retentive plonker who keeps his Y-Fronts on coat hangers and alphabetises his collection of Hammond Organ CD's in order of what month it was when he bought them, you are the only person who's inflatable doll left them.
Rimmer: (Shouting) I know Lister, I know and that's what makes me….
Lister: (Screaming now) AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES YOU THE SUPERIOR RIMMER
Rimmer: (quietly, confused) what?
Lister: Ace isn't what you were supposed to be, he's what you are supposed to avoid. He's a phony, he isn't Arnold Rimmer, he is a lost soul without a home, he travels from dimension to dimension looking for where he belongs, you found it smeg head, you've fulfilled your destiny, you are the true Arnold Judas Rimmer.
Rimmer: (Deep in thought, doesn't move for several seconds, then visibly swells with pride, stands up and faces Lister) You're right, you're absolutely right Lister, I AM the superior Rimmer.
Lister: That's right man and….
Rimmer: And Lister, all I can say is..
Lister: You're welcome ma…
Rimmer: You're on report Millado.
Lister: What?
Rimmer: Spilling curry on a superior technicians bunk? That's 8 weeks PD matey
Lister: You. Smeg. Head.
Rimmer: Oh Lister you don't know when to stop do you? You're in very serious deep deep serious very…..