How could he have just walked out that night? They had an argument, an argument was not supposed to drive someone away like that. They were a team, or so she had told herself; teams work together. She needed him with every fiber within her, how could he not know? Why couldn't he see that she was not trying to hurt him? Sawyer had asked her a favor, one small task between friends. She doubted Jack told her everything, so why was this a big deal?
She loved him; loved him genuinely. Sawyer was nothing but a memory to her, Jack was who she wanted, then, now, and in the future. She wanted him to raise Aaron with her. Kate wanted to bring life to this world with Jack and only Jack. She wanted to give him and only him all of what she could offer. She sat for a moment, pondering what she had done. She calmed herself for a second in time, and understood his frustration. He wanted to know why she couldn't let Sawyer go.
She needed to tell him that she was. She needed to now! Every vein and artery began to pump ferociously with blood, her heart was pounding through her chest, so loudly in fact, she could hear it. She ran to the phone and was about to call him, let out her heart, remind him she was his! – but she put down the phone, she wouldn't admit she had done anything wrong. For in her mind, she hadn't. Not really.
Months had gone by without his touch. And how she longed for it, she longed to be held in Jack's strong arms, she longed to feel his wet torso in the shower, she longed to hear his name escape her lips late at night. She preoccupied herself with Aaron, neighbors, and that one task for which Sawyer had asked of her. Against her will, for she never thought she would, she was starting to miss that damned island. When they had all lived there peacefully that first month, it was unlike anything she had experienced in her life. She wanted to go back and escape the responsibility of living like everybody else: she wanted to be her own person back on that island. These thoughts came to her erratically, yet when they did, she quickly pushed them away. She would not dare to let the island pull her back in.
Kate found herself scrambling these days; Jack's absence was getting harder and harder each day, and as she stared at her engagement ring night after night, she was constantly reminded of the love she had lost, and couldn't think of how to get back. The news flashed before her eyes every morning and evening, which was the reason she saw him rescuing that woman out of her car. Back to his old ways, she guessed some things never did change. But her attitude changed when she saw him grace the screen; his eyes looked tired, and he didn't smile. He stood there, slouched over, his face sloppy and grubby, tiredness could be read all over his face, not a hint of happiness could be found looking Jack Shephard. His voice cracked, his words were slurred – this was not the man she loved.
The war going on within her as she drove silently to the airport was unlike anything she had ever felt before. She loved him, yet she was unsure about seeing him. She needed to touch him, yet his present state disgusted her entirely. As she stepped out of the car, his presence took hold of her, and it didn't let go. The things he was saying – she had felt them too. But Kate wouldn't give in, she wouldn't! Going back to that island would be ludicrous. The funeral was of no interest to her, what part of her would cause her to go? But yet as she was inches away from the man she could not bear to not be in love with, she knew he was right. His insaneness was making more sense, and she could feel it every day.
She drive home that night, back to her house, her child, her life, and tears welled in her eyes – tears that had been a presence every night since he had left. She had to fix this, they had to fix this. She couldn't go on without him. Kate Austen knew they had to go back to that island. They had to find a way. Why could she not bring herself to come to that conclusion? Her heart wanted her to follow him, be with him step by step. Her mind however, was playing a different game. She didn't want to believe her life could be ratified there. But as she stepped into that house that night, she remembered everything. The smell of the beach, the feel of the sand, the sound of the crashing blue waves – and the smiles they each had shared together, there on that island.