The Tao of Coconuts
by Aaron D.
-SCRAP BRAIN ZONE: ACT ONE
"This is going to be great," Grounder said excitedly as he put his packed suitcase into his chest cabinet. "I can't believe Dr. Robotnik's actually letting us take a vacation!"
"Yeah," screeched Scratch in his constantly falsetto voice. "At least one whole week where we don't get scratched, blown up, stomped, smashed or beaten up in any way! And best of all-"
"No Sonic!" the two robots said in unison.
"Don't get too excited, gentlebots," said Dr. Robotnik. The evil roboticist's belt chose that moment to pop open, and Robotnik immedaitely had to pull his pants back to their usual position and attempt to rebuckle it. "With the salary I pay you, you can only afford to go to Star City and stay in the Motel 8. And you'd better get back on time!"
"Don't worry, Dr. Robotnik," Scratch shrilly assured him, "we'll be back in plenty of time!"
"I can't wait to go swimming in the pool," Grounder said with anticipation as he and Scratch left the workshop.
"Well, we might want to make sure it's clean first," the taller robot said. "We may have to clean it ourselves if it's too nasty."
"Are you kidding? I do enough cleaning around here." Grounder's voice was fading as the robots moved further away from their evil home. "I don't care if there's a body floating facedown in the pool and three people have been using it as a toilet, I'm not cleaning anything..."
Dr. Ivo Robotnik dusted his hands off as he prepared to get back to work. The Lettucicron was almost finished, and now he had the peace and quiet he needed to complete the dastardly device! He picked up his wrench and began tightening the bolts on the megalomaniacal machine.
The process was simple: people all over Planet Mobius ate lettuce. The Lettucicron would take that lettuce and lace it with hypnotic drugs that Robotnik had harvested from the Orange-Footed Tree Toad, an endangered animal found only in the wildest of jungles. Fortunately, he had found a way to synthesize the antigen, and now he had more than enough to mesmerize everyone on the planet!
Robotnik let out an evil laugh that was just begging to escape. The Lettucicron was finished! Still, he knew there was one person on Mobius who could stop his plot... "Sonic!" he growled. Dr. Robotnik bent his wrench in half with anger and began stomping furiously over the floor. Well, Sonic wasn't going to best him this time. He called out for his trusty mechanical minions.
"Scratch! Grounder!"
No one answered. As the seconds ticked by, Dr. Robotnik began to get steamed up until he realized a simple fact. "I just sent those two on vacation, didn't I?" What was he going to do now? He began thinking in the oppressive silence of his workshop.
"Coconuts!"
Dr. Robotnik heard a metallic skittering through the walls, and then his orange-and-grey monkey-bot, Coconuts, scampered into the room. "Yes, Your Rottenness?"
"Coconuts," Dr. Robotnik said as he formulated his plan, "it's your lucky day. I'm promoting you to temporary member of the Super Special Sonic Search and Smash Squad!"
"The S.S.S.S.S. Squad?!" Coconuts said in disbelief.
"That right," said Robotnik. "I need you to go out there and stamp out Sonic! If you do it quickly enough, I might just let you stay on the team permanently."
"Oh boy!" Coconuts could hardly contain his excitement. "Wait a minute. What about weapons? Or traps? What sort of budget do I have?"
"A thousand Mobians," Robotnik told him, handing him the money. "But don't spend it all at once!"
"Okay!" Coconuts shouted with enthusiasm. He sped out of the laboratory, plans on catching Sonic already formulating in his mind. The lightbulb on top of his head flashed. He'd knock off that hedgehog for cheap, and keep the rest of the money for himselF!
-EMERALD HILL ZONE: ACT TWO
Everything looked great. Within five minutes, Sonic the Hedgehog would be no more! The most expensive part was the chili dog, for bait, of course. Coconuts had placed the steaming-hot snack treat underneath the trap, which he'd constructed of a large boulder, some leftover cable, and several other assorted leftovers from Dr. Robotnik's scrap heap. This meant it was incredibly cheap-Coconuts had hardly needed to dip into his budget at all!
Once Sonic picked up the chili dog, he would be flattened in no time flat! Coconuts giggled fiendishly, rubbing his palms together as he thought of the hedgehog's end. And he was speeding up to the trap right now!
"...and that's why I'm cooler than the bee's knees, little bro," Sonic was explaining to Tails, who was flying speedily just behind the running blue hedgehog.
"You rock, Sonic!" said Tails.
Yes! Sonic was almost in sight of the trap now, and...there!
"What's this?" Sonic asked, as if in confusion. "A chili dog out in THE middle of NOWHERE? What an IRONIC situation." He drew closer to the baited trap. "PERHAPS I should EAT it." Something might have sounded insincere about Sonic's voice, but Coconuts decided he was imagining it.
Something behind Coconuts snapped, grabbing his attention. When he looked back, he saw Sonic standing motionlessly in front of the trap, no doubt getting ready to spring on the chili dog.
"Excuse me, sir!?" came a rough voice from behind Coconuts.
The monkey-bot jumped. "Yes, officer?" A uniformed police officer was standing behind him on the cliff, tapping a pen against an official-looking notepad. He was not too tall, about the same height as Sonic, coincidentally, and he had spiky blue hair that protruded in points from his helmet.
"I believe that's your chili dog down there?" asked the policeman rhetorically. Boy, he sounded a little like Sonic, too! "I'm going to have to give you a ticket for leaving an edible food item in a non-food-parking zone."
"What? That's not my chili dog, it's Sonic's!" Coconuts protested. "See, he's right down there!"
"I do see that incredibly handsome gentleman down there," complimented the officer, "but I also saw you place said chili dog in its current approximate position. I don't want to have to run you in for supplying false testimony..."
Coconuts didn't want to have to spend any of his budget money on a ticket! "Isn't there anything I can do?"
"Well, I suppose if you went down and removed said chili dog from said non-food-parking zone, I wouldn't have to write you a citation."
"I'll do it!" Coconuts shouted, scrambling out of his current hiding position and dashing towards the trap. Man, that officer sure had sounded a lot like Sonic. In fact, as Coconuts sped even closer, he noticed that "Sonic" actually looked a little like a stuffed toy, and he certainly wasn't moving, and...hey!
"That's not Sonic!" Coconuts said as he picked up the chili dog. "That's a dummy!" He looked back to where the policeman was standing, waving at Coconuts and grinning like an idiot. "That means the officer must really be..."
Coconuts looked up weakly as the boulder fell. "Oh, no," he said before the boulder squished him flat.
-STAR LIGHT ZONE: ACT THREE
This trap was going to work for sure! Coconuts had taken a massively huge hammer left over from Dr. Robotnik's Cage Construction Calaminator and set it up at an intersection in Star City. When Sonic pushed the button on the traffic light so he could cross the street, it would activate the trap. Then, as the light changed and Sonic used the crosswalk, the hammer would plow into him!
Coconuts giggled and hid behind a nearby trash can. Sonic walked up to the trap, pushed the button, then, after the light had changed, zipped across within a split second.
"Hey!" Coconuts shouted, following Sonic across the intersection, "That's not fair! Press it again, and walk across the crosswalk slower next t-" The enormous titanium hammer plowed into Coconuts.
"Oh, wait," said Sonic, pressing the button again. "I forgot something." He zipped by again as the light changed once more.
Coconuts groaned from his crunched, squatting position. "I don't know if this was such a good id-" The hammer smashed into the robot a second time. "Back to the drawing bo-" His words were cut off as Sonic pressed the button and crossed the street yet again, causing the hammer to squash Coconuts even flatter. Then, a '94 Ford Aerostar zoomed by and ran over him.
"Ohhhhh," Coconuts groaned as he stumbled back out of the street. He was in completely new levels of pain.
"I see that you are in some difficulty, my son," came a smooth, calm voice from above him.
"What's it to ya, pal?!" demanded Coconuts harshly. "Who do you think you are, anyway?"
"Don't you remember, my son?" asked the tall, wiry bird. "It is I, Hwai Chang Crane, master of the Xiaoloon martial arts."
Coconuts grabbed his partially-flattened head with his hands and forcibly bent it upward. "Oh, yeah, I remember you. Didn't we try to kidnap you and hold you for ransom, or something?"
"Something like that," agreed Hwai Chang Crane. "I understand that you are trying to catch Sonic the Hedgehog." He stood there silently, waiting for a response.
"Whaddaya want?" Coconuts asked irritably, trying to stretch his body back to its normal proportions.
"If you happened to be in possession of a thousand Mobians, I would be happy to help," offered Crane.
"Yeah, well that's too bad," said Coconuts. "I only have nine hundred ninety-three Mobians and forty-seven cents. I had to buy a chili dog and some string."
"That will do," Crane said quickly, snatching the cash from the little robot.
-CASINO NIGHT ZONE: ACT FOUR
"I still don't get it," said Coconuts as he and Crane set up an odd contraption in the middle of the Casino. "How is this thing going to get Sonic?"
"This small bubble here," Crane said, pointing to the a bubble hanging from some string (luckily, Coconuts had some left over) just over one of the blackjack tables. "will swoop down upon the hedgehog while he is partaking of the festivity of the blackjack table. He will be trapped with its walls, much like the fly is trapped within the spider's web. Use this." Crane handed the monkey-bot a remote control with one red button.
"Okay, that's great," said Coconuts, "but what, then?"
Crane chuckled. "Why then, the hedgehog will be ours, of course."
Coconuts shrugged, and while Crane waited quietly behind some slot machines in the corner, he put on a tuxedo and posed as the blackjack dealer. Soon enough, Sonic showed up, and began playing blackjack. "Hit me," said the hedgehog quickly. After he received another card, he said, "Hit me again."
"I'll hit you, all right!" Coconuts whipped out the remote and pressed the red button. To his surprise, the bubble descended and enveloped, not Sonic, but him! "Hey!" The monkey shouted. "What's going on here?!"
Hwai Chang Crane came out of his hiding place, gave Sonic a semi-enthusiastic high-five. "I am sorry, my son, but this is what we had in mind all along."
"What?!" Coconuts' voice was muffled by the sticky bubble. "You said you would help me!"
"Hate to break it to ya, Coconuts," said Sonic smugly, "but that didn't actually happen."
"Huh?"
"Yes," said Crane. "I only said I would help, not that I would help you."
Coconuts roared as the martial arts master and his blue nemesis began to walk away. "See ya later, slo-mo," said Sonic. "I've gotta go blow up the Lettucicron."
Coconuts was left to stew in his bubble. To make things worse, two of his robotic rivals showed up, rife with their own formal eveningwear. "Scratch! Grounder! You guys gotta stop Sonic before he blows up Dr. Robotnik's newest invention."
"No way," said Grounder. "We're on vacation!"
"Yeah," agreed Scratch. "It's lucky Grounder made me come to the casino instead of the Motel 8! We won big at Keno, and now we're in a five-star hotel, with champagne, lots of ladies, and high-rolling games!"
"And a clean pool!" put in Grounder.
The two members of the S.S.S.S.S. Squad walked off, leaving Coconuts vainly punching the membrane of the sticky, sticky, impenetrable bubble.
-SONIC SAYS-
Sonic and Tails were enjoying their day at the zoo as they walked up to the tiger pits. The tigers weren't doing much, just lazing around in the sun as tigers are wont to do.
"You see, Tails," Sonic was saying, "these tigers are an endangered species, and we need to protect them because if they all die out, they'll be extinct."
"Yeah, that's funny!" Coconuts screamed into his cell phone, walking in front of the tiger pit. "You know what happened the other day?..."
"I hate it when people do that," said Sonic.
"What can we do, though?" asked Tails.
"Hah! That's hilarious!" said Coconuts. "I can't believe what MacHopper said last week, you'll love this-" His conversation was interrupted as Sonic ripped the cell phone from Coconuts' grasp and tossed it into the tiger pit. "What do you think you're doing?!" the robot demanded.
Sonic said nothing and returned to his viewing of the tigers.
Coconuts leapt into the tiger pit, trying to grab his phone, but, unfortunately, one tiger had already picked it up in his mouth. "Gimme that!" Coconuts began playing tug of war with the tiger as the others circled around him.
"I don't get it, Sonic," said a confused Tails as the walked away from the noisy tiger pit. Coconuts was having some real trouble avoiding all the bites, scratches, and occasional kicks. "What was today's lesson? Was it to be polite to the people around you and not talk too loud when you're on a cell phone? Was it to not fall into tiger pits? What?"
"I don't know," said Sonic.
"Aaaaah!" Coconuts screamed from the tiger pit. "Back off, you monsters! Or I'll let you have it with my 'fists of fury!'"
"Aren't you going to help him, Sonic?" Tails asked with concern.
"No," Sonic said simply, turning his back on the situation. "No, I'm not."
FIN