WORLDS APART

Part I – Taking chances

I was so sure; so sure to tell you; to finally let it all out. It was so typical me: waiting until the very last moment, until it was almost to late, to build up the courage and take a step forward.
I kept going back and forward in my mind, the entire evening. "Should I really tell her? Maybe this is a mistake" So unfocused; you kept asking me if everything was alright "No ofcourse not! You are leaving! I dont want to see you go!" , but all that spilt over my lips was a fake smile and the lie "Yeah ofcourse, just being a little sad to see you go"
"A little sad!? Who are you kidding?"
It wasn't until I had toke hold of the doorhandle, ready to go home, that I had enough courage. I hesitated for a bit, then turned to you. My eyes scanning your worried face; drowning in your deep brown eyes. You crossed the space between us, resting your hand on my shoulder. "Are you ok, Sam? You seem a little bit … off …"
"Stop being a chickenshit and tell her!"
"There's … eum … there's something I need to tell you …" She smiled that little sweet smile of hers; my heart was skipping a beat; heat rising up in my cheeks "You have really no idea what you do to me, do you?"
"Ok … that sounds serious …", I felt her a small tremble in her hand. As soon I was ready to let the words slip out, they got stuck in my throath. I took a small step closer, covering the last small space between us, putting my head on the back of her neck, pulling her in and placing a soft kiss on her lips. Every feeling that I had been bottling up in the last 6 years for this beautiful, small woman, was poured into this kiss; the kiss I was longing to place on those sweet lips for sooo long. My heart jumped up and down, my body leaned in more; ready to deepen the kiss a little bit more. "Is she kissing me back? Yes? Yes .. she is" But then, when I thought the feeling was mutual, she pulled back
"She pulled back!" The confusion was taking over my thinking.
"Sam ..." she sighted ... "I ... we ... no ... we can't ... I'm, I'm sorry" She took a couple of steps back, increasing the space between us again. The loss of her warmth, hit me hard in the chest.
She stood there for what seemed an eternity, staring at her feet, clearly figuring out what to say next. Whatever I thought would be her reaction, this wasn't it: "You should go, Sam" Without another word or looking at me, she turned around on her heels and left for the kitchen.
Nailed to the ground, unable to move, hit by a truck or hit by lighting – but then not to good kind of way; whatever phrase I could come up with, nothing could capture what I felt.
This was my last shot, my last opportunity. I took it but it didn't turn out as I hoped or even expected. What could I say to her to make it better, less akward? "Nothing you dimwith! Why the hell did you did that!? You blew it real good"
As I stared down the path she had walked to the kitchen, I tried to collect my thoughts. This was never going to be ok anymore; lost cause; burned all my bridges. My shoulders hung down, I turned around, left the house, softly pulling the door close behind me. With trembling hands I turned on the engine of my car, casting one last look over at the house and then drove away. "This was the end of everything we ever had; you jumped Carter, but fell face first"