A Nightmare-less Slumber
By faketreefinger
Grissom's eyes snapped open to the sight of Sara sitting upright in the bed, breathing heavily and pinching the bridge of her nose.
"Sara?" he asked sleepily, sitting up with her and rubbing her back in effort to comfort her.
"I'm okay, I'm okay," she replied, a weariness in her voice that had never quite dissipated since the day she was pulled out from under a car, clinging to life.
"Are you sure?" he asked tentatively, still stroking her back.
She turned her head to look at him and gave a weary smile that matched her voice. "I'm sure."
Grissom frowned in the darkness and sighed. He pulled her into a hug and kissed her forehead, tasting the cold sweat that had collected there. He didn't really know what to do except be there for her, but these nightmares had become a familiar enemy to Sara, and consequently, him as well. Her well being was intimately tied to his, but she never wanted to talk about it. She welcomed the physical comfort, but although the weight of the car had been lifted, the emotional burden was still crushing the life out of her.
"Come here." With another kiss to her temple, Grissom guided her to lie down beside him. He put his arm around her while she laid her head on his warm chest.
After a moment of silence, Sara finally spoke, "It's been a month. I should be getting over this by now."
Grissom shook his head and replied softly, "Sara, there is no standard for how long it takes to get over a near death experience."
She didn't reply right away and the room seemed even quieter than before, with only the whir of the fan above them to fill the silent space. Grissom breathed in her hair and began stroking her arm. He wanted nothing more than to comfort her and make the pain, whatever pain she was feeling, go away. The truth was that he was still haunted by the gut wrenching feeling of losing her. Some days he was overcome with happiness and gratitude that she was alive. Other days, a dark cloud hung over him that blocked the light and thoughts of how life would be without her invaded his mind. He supposed it was the same with her. If he couldn't fix his problem, how could he help her?
"I thought that after a near death experience, you were supposed to have this new, beautiful outlook on life?" she asked rhetorically and Grissom hugged her closer to him.
After a moment of carefully considering his reply, her said, "I suppose it's different for everyone --" he paused when he felt moisture on his bare chest and he hated that there was no way to stop her from crying. There was nothing he could say. Nothing he could do.
"I'm just trying so desperately to give this whole thing meaning, and Grissom," she paused and sniffled, "it's not working."
He closed his eyes and sighed, hoping to God that he could find something to say that wasn't cliché. But maybe she didn't want him to say anything.
His reply was soft and slow, "Sara, why don't we talk about it? You haven't, really. Maybe you would feel better if you just… Just talk to me about it. All of it."
She was silent for a moment and she sat up slowly, pulling herself upright to sit Indian-style beside him. He sat up against the headboard and waited patiently for her to speak.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to talk about," she finally said with a shrug.
He reached over and wiped the moisture from her cheeks. "How did you feel when you were out there… alone?" he asked cautiously, knowing that more tears would come and hoping that it would cleanse her mind rather than cloud it.
She sniffled again and hung her head. "I felt a lot of things…"
"Did you think--" he paused abruptly to think better of his question and Sara looked up at him.
"Did I think what?"
Reluctantly, he continued, "Did you think you were going to die?"
She gave an odd, humorless laugh and hung her head again. After a moment, she nodded and looked back up at Grissom. "Yes."
He suddenly felt like crying at the thought of her out there alone, accepting her fate.
After a moment, she asked in a hoarse voice, "Did you think I was--"
"No!" he said a bit too loudly, cutting her off. His eyes met hers and his eyebrows came together. He swallowed and glanced down at his hands as they rubbed together nervously. He grabbed her hand suddenly, but gently and said in a lower voice, "I didn't let myself believe that for one moment."
With his other hand, he wiped away another tear and she smiled at him. A soft smile that was less sad than he had seen in a while. He slid his hand around to the back of her head and guided her down towards him to kiss her softly on the lips. When she pulled back, she smiled again a much brighter smile and Grissom felt a little less unsettled. She lay back down beside him and he slid down, sighing into her hair and planting another kiss on top of her head.
"You know what I thought about while I was out there?"
"What?"
"I thought about the first time you kissed me," she said simply and Grissom smiled at the memory. He hugged her tighter and tried desperately to ignore the horrible image of her in the middle of a desert trapped underneath a car, reminiscing fondly over things she would never again feel or see.
"Tell me about it," he whispered in an effort to thwart the black cloud trapping the light.
She smiled against his chest. "About the first time you kissed me?"
"Mhmm."
Sara propped herself up to look at him and she shot him an amusing grin that he hadn't seen in what felt like years. "You were there."
He swept a strand of hair behind her right ear and puckered slightly. "I want to know how you remember it," he replied in a low, soothing voice. He reveled in the smile that he received from her as a response.
"Okay… well. We were in my kitchen. I was cooking tofu stir fry."
Grissom couldn't help but chuckle. He had insisted that he would dislike tofu and the texture was just too unappealing. Now, it was practically a staple in his kitchen.
"Yes, it was very good."
"Yes it was. And I opened the refrigerator to get something. I bent down and all of a sudden I felt your hand on my hip. This, by the way, was very shocking."
Grissom chuckled yet again and said, "Good. It was meant to be."
Sara smirked and continued, "I stood up and turned around and there you were standing. Very close and with a very compelling look in your eyes. Again, shocking." Grissom lifted his eyebrows and shrugged. Sara shifted to get closer to his face. "You leaned down and did this…"
She leaned down to his lips and kissed him gently. She pulled back for a moment then leaned down into his lips again with a bit more vigor and the kiss quickly became heated. Grissom grunted and Sara pulled back, out of breath. She smiled and ran a hand through his hair.
"I would continue but I don't remember it that way," she said seriously before offering him a playful grin.
He gave a mock frown and she rested her head back down on his chest, still smiling. "I thought about you mostly. The first time we met. The first time you asked me out. The first time we made love…"
"Did you only think about our first times?" he asked with good humor and she exhaled.
After a brief pause, she responded, "Well, it kept me from thinking about the last times, I guess."
He swallowed down the lump that was forming in his throat and wondered about the last times before Sara had been abducted.
Sara interrupted his thoughts, "I don't want you to think that the last times were bad. I just didn't want to think about them, okay?"
He nodded and began running his fingers over her arm lovingly. Her breathing became even and soft after a few minutes of silence, but Grissom still felt uneasy like he still needed to say something.
"Sara?" he tried in a low voice.
"Hmm?"
He paused to formulate his thoughts. "When you were out there, remembering me, did you--"
He didn't continue, and Sara asked drowsily, "Did I what?"
"Did you know how in love with you I was?" he paused and added, "How in love with you I am."
She didn't answer right away and Grissom was afraid she had fallen asleep. Her hand ran over his stomach and wrapped around him, hugging him.
"Yes. I knew… I know," she finally said before slipping into a nightmare-less slumber.