Disclaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean. That would be Disney, who, I am quite confident in saying, would never hire someone who revels in creating slash couples to write for them. Anyway, I do not make any profit from this story, nor do I intend it as any form of slander.
Notes: Oh, I'm quite certain that all of you are ready to kill me for writing yet another story. I am as well. But this is actually a fan fiction I promised to a friend, who could use a bit of a laugh right now.
Notes2: No, it's not very well written. I've only ever written one humor genre story before, and it was just as bad. Don't expect much but maybe a laugh or two.
Warnings: AU, slash, alternate ending of PotC 3, some sexual content, strong sexual innuendo, Elizabeth-bashing, Elizabeth-death, SPOILERS! (possibly), and me writing humor. Run now. -wink-
Oh, Whatever
"I can't believe you!"
"It's not like I'm lying to you!"
"You, would do that, with him …"
"Don't be such a baby!"
"Baby?! This coming from the woman who dyed her hair blonde whilst we were looking for Jack because she looked like a man!"
"You said I didn't look like one!"
"I lied!"
They scowled at one another with such ferocity that the every inch of The Black Pearl seemed to quell in fear of their anger. Hard amber clashing fiery hazel, flames practically seemed to spit from one to other, creating a vast whirlpool of hatred that would put even the most menstruating, scorned woman to shame.
Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann currently had the attention of everyone else upon the ship, despite the fact that the attention would have been better served elsewhere, such as on the approaching Dutchman , whose own crew looked more than willing to take advantage of their distraction.
"It's not like you ever attempted such a thing, Will!" Every person and animal within earshot winced at the shrill cry emitted from Elizabeth's mouth. Gibbs, who was more than familiar with where her temper would lead, tried vainly to interrupt their argument once again.
"Now, Miss Elizabeth, this here be hardly the time --."
"What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean?" Will shot back, angered expression dropping into one of shock. "If I recall correctly, the kiss on the night of the proposal had you untying my pants." Gibbs' eyes widened at the much undesired images of Elizabeth doing exactly that. From the side, Ragetti unconsciously swiped his had over his crotch at the words, causing Pintel to shoot him a surprised and slightly lustful gaze.
No one noticed the aquatic pirates stealthily boarding The Black Pearl.
"Now, Will, we don't need to be hearin'," Gibbs was once again cut off as Elizabeth finally managed to form her words.
"Please! You were untying your own pants!" The blush that stained her cheeks spoke otherwise. "Your kiss was nowhere near as sensual and liberating as Jack's …"
"Sensual and liberating?" Will was aghast. "You - You were trying to kill him!"
"Apparently, that kind of thing excites her," Pintel spoke up, staring at Ragetti as though he could jump him then and there. "Necrophiliac."Beady eyes alight, Jack the monkey broke into high-pitched, shrieking laughter.
Will glared, and both shut up instantly.
"Besides," the blacksmith continued. "A kiss from Jack Sparrow isn't sensual and liberating. It's hard, fast, erotic…" Will dragged off, as though recalling some much fonder memory.
"How the hell would you know?" Elizabeth's cry jerked him out of his remembrance, and it was now his turn to blush. The rest of the crew looked away, also blushing .
Except for Pintel, who was now moving toward Ragetti with a predatory gleam in his eye.
"That would be between us now, wouldn't it?" And there he was, Jack Sparrow, standing behind her with his sharp, drunken grin, a bottle of rum clutched tightly in one hand, the other hidden behind his back. Will's eyes lit up brightly at the sight of him, something Elizabeth did not miss.
"You … he … you kissed him?!" Another shriek, another wince. Jack simply grinned, and knelt down by her ear.
"Oh, we did much more than that, luv," he whispered huskily. " What did you think we were doing whilst looking for you? Having tea?" He laughed. "You should hear him scream."
"Jack!" Will's voice rang out in the silence that had gathered, face flaming with embarrassment. Jack roared with laughter.
"Much like that," he goaded. Elizabeth turned on Will.
"But you proposed to me!" The young pirate simply shrugged.
"Your father asked me to. I truly didn't find you attractive in the least," his expression turned into hatred once more. "Even if I did, all your activities with your guard would have certainly turned me gay anyway. Acting like a two-cent whore."
"Whore! Whore!" Crowed Cotton's parrot in chipper, Jack the monkey clapping along ecstatically.
"As enlightening as this all is!" The entire deck grew quiet as Davy Jones peeked his head over the edge of The Black Pearl's side. "Jack Sparrow. We had a bargain. Where is it?"
"Captain Jack Sparrow. Captain! Why does no one ever get this?" He hung his head in grief, flicking Jack the monkey off of his shoulder when he tried to comfort him. "Fine. It's right here, mate." From behind his back, Jack withdrew the infamous chest that thump thumped in a vain effort to intimidate."If you get your horny would-bes off me ship, I'll be happy to hand her right to ya."
"Wait!" Will cried out. He eyed Elizabeth, an opportunity spotted. "You'll get your chest, if you take her, too."
"What?" Elizabeth demanded, flinching at the prospect. The mutated man eyed her, slowly rising onto the deck to corner her against the railing.
"And what makes you think I would agree to such terms, Master Turner?" demanded the captain of The Dutchman. He turned his head and leered toward the younger pirate, scowling murderously, but Will simply blinked.
"You know, with all your tentacles whipping about, you're not all that intimidating." Davy Jones jerked back, startled.
"No?"
"No. Sorry," Will offered quickly on afterthought.
"Hmph." The aquatic captain suddenly whirled around on Elizabeth, leering at her, quite happy to see that his looks could at least frighten a woman. "Do you fear death, Miss Swann?"
She sneered. "Not as much as I fear staying on this forsaken boat, with those forsaken … boys!" She waved her arms about wildly, but Davy Jones had cornered her so close to the edge that, without warning …
She fell overboard, crashing into the raging sea below. Later, Marky would claim he saw several fins circling in that general vicinity.
For a moment, there was silence. And then Davy Jones, who had been peering over the side to watch her, looked up and shrugged.
"Well, she'll just end up in my Locker, anyway. I'll get her then." He took the chest from Jack's lax hands, and climbed over the side once more. "Later, gents. Oh, and Master Turner, your father says hello, and to consider adoption, whatever that means." He winked at that, and then was gone, his slimy crew grumbling as they followed after him.
"Well, that was strange," Gibbs stated slowly after they were gone. He blinked then, as though having realized something. "Hang on! Where's Pintel an' Ragetti?"
Silence fell again, allowing the sound of harsh moans and other sounds to fill the air. Several of the crew turned green and ducked their heads of the side. William, however, grinned widely, moving to stand in front of Jack.
"I think we can do better," he whispered, and Jack's eyes widened considerably.
"The lass is gone," he pointed out half-heartedly, but his lover merely grinned.
"I know," he murmured huskily, forming his lips in a pout he knew Jack would be unable to resist.
And he was correct, for the next second, Jack grasped tightly to his shirt and yanked him forward, their lips crashing in a heated battle of lust. Their tongues dueled, teeth clashing. Will's hand came up, tangling in Jack's hair, attempting to hold his head in place. Apparently, his lover had other ideas, for suddenly Will found himself slammed into the wood of stairwell wall, Jack's tongue savage in its assault of his mouth. The younger man attempted to fight back, but all hopes were dashed as Jack suddenly thrust forward, grinding against him. Will hissed, and the captain grinned.
And only then did they look up, to see that they were well on their way to being a favorite viewing for the crew's voyeuristic tendencies.
"On the count of three," Jack whispered, trying to catch his breath. "Run for it."
"Your cabin?" Will's voice practically came out as a moan, and Jack's grip on his shirt tightened.
"Only if you want to finish this." And the blacksmith nodded enthusiastically.
"Three!" He cried, and took off through the doorway, Jack closely behind.
Another round of silence ensued, in which Gibb's took a moment to think.
'Miss Elizabeth died, Davy Jones didn't kill anyone, and the captain is busying himself elsewhere. My turn?' "Alright, men!" He bellowed. "Back to work!"
Cotton, however, seemed more inclined to not obey, and instead was slowly working his way toward the same door that the captain and his lover had just darted through.
"Oi!" Gibbs shouted. "Where do ya think yer goin'?"
The old man turned his head a simply grinned, the parrot on his shoulder offering a verbal reply.
"Watch! Watch!"
End
Whoa. You know, I really don't want to cast-genre myself, here, but I think my strong point is definitely in the angst/drama/action/fantasy categories. Humor + Me OUCH. That was more difficult to write than anything I've ever done before.
But this was for my friend. So, friend, I hope you liked it. Or that it at least made you smile and think 'Wow. Brit's stupid.'
Meh.
And, if you feel like flaming it, go right ahead. It's a humor story, and your humorous reviews will simply add to the fire.
Anyway, I'm already writing a much more serious, pro-Elizabeth one-shot that will be out on the fourth. Maybe y'all will like that one better.
Oh, and for Liberate Me readers. I'm serious this time. New chapter by Saturday. 'Melancholy's Sorrow'. I've already started it.
Well, I'm off. Gotta get some sleep, I suppose. Buying the last Maximum Ride book in three hours. -grin-
Much love,
Brit