Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto...if I did, I'd probably screw it up. xD And I don't own Santa..
A/N: Hey, people! Guess what? I'm not dead! Heh, it's been a while since I've uploaded a story, ne? Well, that was caused by business, writer's block, and just plain laziness. But I'm back! I'm currently working on a Haku fic.
Alright, enough rambling...this is my first shot at humour...I guess. Well, it's up to you if it's funny or not. Heh, this was inspired by Relient K's "Santa Claus is Thumbin' to Town" and by my best friend. xD Hehe, we're so evil.
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Me: I know, it's a bit late, but enjoy! THERE'S NO PAIRINGS, BUNNIES, OR TICKED OFF ANTELOPE! But there is an angry Hidan. -Grin-
Hidan: I KEEL JOO! -Angry face-
Me: Well, enjoy the story, and please leave a comment! -Grin-
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Hidan's Secret
December 23
It was the question that haunted him every year, a mystery that he couldn't solve, the question which was…
Why was Hidan missing every Christmas Eve?
It wasn't like him to miss out on the sake, poker games, and karaoke after most of the Akatsuki members were too intoxicated to enunciate a simple sentence correctly.
Kakuzu sighed, trying to come up with a believable explanation of what his missing partner did every Christmas Eve.
"Maybe he goes out and parties elsewhere."
"Does he have a secret family I don't know about?"
"Eh, he probably does some kind of stupid ritual or something."
The first excuse was a possibility, the second one only gave Kakuzu a good laugh, and the third was the most believable of them all.
"Maybe I'll ask him one day…" Kakuzu thought out loud as he walked slowly through the halls of the hideout.
His nose crinkled underneath his mask as his inverted green eyes studied the ornaments.
We waste all our money on this crap. For what? For it to be thrown away on the Twenty-sixth of December? Tch, those stupid, wasteful kids. They all think that money grows on trees. He thought bitterly.
"Merry Christmas, Kakuzu-san! Would you like a candy cane?" A bouncing ball of energy, clad in an orange mask, squealed, waving a handful of nearly-crushed candy canes in front of the older man's faced. Kakuzu's eye twitched. "No, Tobi, I do not." he said through his clenched teeth. This time of year always got on his nerves. Not only did he think Christmas was just a giant waste of time and money, everyone's cheeriness drove him up the proverbial wall. Eh, call him the Grinch, but it was true.
Of course, those weren't the only reasons for Kakuzu's grouchiness.
What the heck was Hidan always up to?
From the first of December to the Twenty-fourth, Kakuzu would only catch glimpses of Hidan. And when ever he did see Hidan, he always looked…different. Kakuzu couldn't explain how…Hidan just did.
"Aw, come on, Kakuzu-saaaan! Sugar makes people happy!" Tobi chirped, smiling underneath that obnoxious orange mask of his.
How does Deidara stand this!? Kakuzu thought, seconds away from pummeling Tobi.
"Hey, Tobi, un. Leave Mr. Grinch alone, and come on. I have to put this wreath on Sasori no Danna's grave, yeah." a certain blonde, who was currently Kakuzu's hero and worst enemy, called.
"Right, Senpai! Do you think Sasori-san would like a candy cane?" Tobi asked bubbly, skip/running back to his partner. Deidara shrugged. "I dunno, ask him, un." he answered sarcastically. Tobi thought about that for a few minutes before uttering a "Huh?" in confusion.
Kakuzu rolled his eyes. It's time I find out Hidan's dirty little secret…kukuku…He thought, a smirk pulling at his lips.
December 24
"Hey, Hidan, I want to ask you- Whoa! Is that…facial hair!?" Kakuzu questioned, almost in horror as he noticed white stubble cvering the lower part of the Jashinist's face. Hidan glanced over at him, dropping his book immediately as he quickly tried to cover up the lower part of his face with his hands. "Um…n-no, you idiot! It's…milk!" Hidan hissed, glaring daggers at his partner.
Kakuzu raised an eyebrow.
"Uh-huh…milk. And…you're calling me the idiot?" he chuckled, crossing his arms as he sat on his respective bed, staring at his partner from across the room.
Hidan muttered something incoherent, placing his hands away from his face, and continued with his reading.
Kakuzu's brow furrowed in thought as he noticed something else odd about Hidan.
"Quit staring at me! Geez…" Hidan snapped, glaring at the other man.
"Hidan," Kakuzu started.
"What?"
"Have you…"
"Have I what?"
"Have you…gained weight?"
Hidan's face flushed. "No! Now get out!!" he shouted, jumping to his feet in an attempt to grab Kakuzu and shove him out of the room.
Kakuzu raised his hands in defense. "Alright, alright, I'll go.." he sighed, pushing Hidan lightly out of the way as he raised from his bed, and slowly exited the room.
"I'll find out one day, Hidan. Mark my words…" Kakuzu muttered under his breath, closing the door behind him.
Kisame chuckled as he spotted Kakuzu leave his room. "What's wrong, Kakuzu? Not in the Christmas spirit yet?" he asked, leaning against the wall of the dimly-lit hallway.
Kakuzu sent another glare in Kisame's direction. "I never was, I never will be." he replied, venom dripping from his words.
Kisame grinned playfully, his oddly shaped teeth gleaming in the Festive-colored lights.
Kakuzu muttered something gruffly under his breath as he continued to walk.
"Merry Christmas to you, too, Scrooge!" The ex-Swordsman called after him.
"Bah humbug," Kakuzu shouted back.
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The events of that day replayed like a broken record in Kakuzu's mind as he lied in bed tiredly that night. Eh…Hidan probably just ate a few too many cookies or something…he thought, finally closing his eyes.
He then heard a CRASH, followed by a stream of profanity. Kakuzu's eyes shot open as he quickly turned to face Hidan's side of the room. His eyes locked on the silver-haired foul mouth, who was currently hopping up and down in pain next to his bedside table. "Stupid darkness. Stupid table." the Jashinist muttered after he finished up his colorful rant.
"Hidan, can't you see some of us are trying to sleep?" Kakuzu complained, flicking on his bedside lamp. Hidan's face twisted in pain as the light shone in his eyes. "Turn it off!" Hidan hissed, his amethyst-colored eyes narrowing to slits as he faced his partner in crime.
Kakuzu's mouth dropped as he got a good look at Hidan.
"Hidan,"
"Yes?"
"You…have a beard."
"Yes, Kakuzu. I know."
Kakuzu blinked at Hidan's calmness.
"Hidan."
"Yes, Kakuzu?"
"Are those…toys in that sack by your feet?" he asked.
Hidan let out an exasperated sigh.
"Yes, Kakuzu. Those are."
"Hidan?"
Hidan's eye twitched.
"Yes, Kakuzu?" he asked through his clenched teeth.
"That's…a red suit…you're wearing." he pointed out, raising his hand shakily.
Hidan grabbed the bag of toys, lugging it over his shoulder.
Kakuzu sat up slowly.
"Hidan,"
Hidan turned his head to face Kakuzu.
"Yes…?"
"You're…Santa Claus…aren't you?"
A few seconds of silence.
"…Yeah."
Laughter. A lot of laughter.
Kakuzu slapped his knee. "Y-You…ahaha! That's a good one! You? Santa! BAHAHAH! Aha, ahhh…nice joke, Hidan! Ya' had me goin' for a while there!" he laughed, putting his hand up to his forehead.
Hidan's eyes shifted back and forth from the fog-covered window to his partner.
"Kakuzu,"
"Hm?"
"It's not a joke."
The Treasurer's green eyes suddenly widened as he studied Hidan's eyes for any sign of a bluff.
None.
Hidan…was telling the truth.
"S-so…you're really him. J-Jolly ol' Saint Nick." Kakuzu mumbled quietly, his humor turning into shock.
"Well, I wouldn't exactly say…jolly." Hidan replied, pulling the door open.
"Now, if you excuse me, I have to be around the world before dawn. And I'll tell you, it's not as easy as it sounds." he added, walking out the door. "Goodnight, Kakuzu."
"Hidan…wait."
"What?"
"Naughty or nice, which list am I on?" Kakuzu asked Semi- jokingly, lying back down.
"Naughty, Kakuzu. Definitely naughty."
-Le Fin-
Hehehe. :3 Santa Hidan. Where do you think he hides the reigndeer? It might not be the best fanfiction, since I wrote it really late at night...Hehehe. R&R please!