Far From Perfect
DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for some sexual content, violence and language. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!
WARNING: CONTAINS MATURE THEMES AND ADULTERY.
Author's Note: I'm sick of all the perfect sex scenes in fan-fiction, and I'm angry as fuck. Don't ask, I don't know, I just am. So here you are, a decidedly UN-happy bit of writing from your truly. Cheers.
Ps. – James is a bit of a prick in this one. Apologies to James fans…
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"Turn off the telly and come to bed James," said a soft voice from the doorway to the bedroom. James didn't look up; he was too absorbed in the football game on TV.
Lily sighed to herself resignedly and headed back into the bedroom. She waved her wand and the small lamp on the bedside table burst into light. Spilling its soft glow onto the table and bed. She climbed under the covers and picked up a book.
She had been doing a lot of that in bed lately. Reading. It was almost a faint dream the nights of passion she and James had shared before, and at the very beginning of their marriage. Now, almost a year into it, he seemed overly bothered by performing his husbandly duties, and rarely, if ever now, sought out her affections.
Instead she would lie beside him, not even with him anymore, and wait for sleep to come. This wasn't what she had signed up for in the beginning. She had inked a deal to be loved, both emotionally and physically, and to be satisfied. Too bad there was no return policy… Then she pushed that thought from her head. She was in love with James Potter, and under no circumstances would she bail on their marriage, or live a façade of one.
She counted the hours until she felt James crawl into bed beside her, the lam extinguished long ago. She bit her lip, wanting to say something, but unsure of what, when suddenly James rolled over to face her.
"Hello," he said quietly. She smiled back. Maybe it would change now. Maybe he had just been going through some weird man-phase…
He leaned in and kissed her. It was scratchy, as he hadn't shaved, and rather uncomfortable, but she let it go. It had been days since James had kissed her of his own volition, and she really didn't want anything to stop him. Then he was rolling so he was atop her, caressing and fondling her breasts greedily. It was less than comfortable, but she smiled, because, once again, she didn't really want him to stop.
"It's been so long," he murmured into her neck, and she nodded silently. He pulled back. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing" she lied. It was easier to lie. Always had been. Most likely always would be. "I'm just feeling you," she conceded. A bit of the truth. There, that was fine.
James smiled faintly, a mere impression of his signature smirking grin, and his hand dipped to the warmth between her legs. She was shivering with anticipation, it had been so long, but his hand did not linger overlong there. "You're very excited aren't you?" he teased, a bit more of the old James, the James she had fallen in love with, coming back.
"For you, of course."
She wasn't sure what she had expected, but when he pushed into her roughly, she felt her expectations a little knocked down. She wasn't even marginally close to where he obviously was, and as he thrust in and out of her, she moaned more out of frustration than pleasure.
Then, almost before he had begun, she felt him release inside her, panting and grunting, and then rolled off her. He was breathing hard, and Lily fought the urge to cry. She swallowed repeatedly to stem the flow of moisture form her eyes, not daring to look over at her husband.
Within minutes he was snoring and she sighed, rolling over. This was definitely not what she had signed up for…
--
The next morning, she made him breakfast as usual, and he ate it, and they spoke the usual of almost nothing to one another. Lily tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, deciding she had to say something. This was a marriage. It needed to be tended.
"What happened to us James?"
He looked up, a little startled. "Huh?"
"Us. You and me…together. Why…why don't we have the spark anymore?"
"What spark, Lily? What are you on about?"
"The spark! The…oomph! Jesus James, you spend more time in front of the television than you do with me, we don't have sex-"
"We did last night!" he cried defensively.
Lily scoffed and sneered. "That was not sex James Potter, you know that as well as I do." He looked rather affronted, but Lily really just didn't care. "We don't even talk anymore."
"We're talking now aren't we?" he asked in an icy voice, laced with sarcasm.
"Don't be a prick."
James just looked at her for a moment before rising. "I have to go to work. We'll talk when I get home." And with a loud CRACK he Disapparated. Lily wanted to cry her frustration, but settled for kicking the table, which she instantly regretted. Now her toe hurt as well…
They didn't talk about it that evening. Lily retired early to her book, and James slumped moodily in front of (you guessed it) the telly.
--
It wasn't until James brought Sirius around later that week that she noticed something. James was different around his best friend. He looked at her when he spoke to her, he smiled more, and was just…more James like. It was…well it was lovely, but disconcerting. She would not put on a dog and pony show for anyone…not even for his exceedingly attractive best mate.
And it was the night James didn't come home to till the wee hours, something he had never, ever, done, never, that Lily reached the end of her rope. He looked tired, and immediately fell into bed, but she was going to have it out with him, one way or another.
"James we need to talk."
"Can't it wait?"
"No." He sighed. That detestable sigh that meant he was irritated, with her, no doubt, and was disengaging from conversation. "Don't sigh and pout, I'm your bloody wife."
"And your point is?"
"Why are you late?"
He rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I had to go do some extra raids. Lily, look, I'm dead on my feet, I'm sure that whatever you have to say can just wait."
"No, it can't! I want to know what the hell is wrong with you! Where the hell is the man I fell for?" she shouted, voice rising hysterically.
"I'll tell you what's wrong with me!" he shouted back. "I spend my days hunting for people who want to murder me on principal! There is a fucking war Lily! It changes people!"
"Have I changed?"
"Yes!"
"How?" Silence. "Tell me! I deserve that much!"
"You…you're just different."
Lily snorted. "Right. I doubt that."
"Oh get off your high horse. You don't know what I see day to day. Muggles who've been tortured, little kids who've lost their parents. You don't fucking get it Lily."
"Make me get it!" she cried. "James I want you to talk to me! Tell me what it's like! Make me understand!!"
"I don't want to talk about it."
Lily gave up. It was like shouting at the wall. "Fine. Be that way." And with that, she turned on her heel and marched out of the bedroom.
--
She didn't speak to James for a week unless it was completely necessary, and brooded almost nonstop. This wasn't how she had imagined marriage at all. Maybe she had been naïve, but she had been expecting the Happily Ever After. So much for Prince Charming and the Perfect life…
Then Sirius popped by one afternoon when James wasn't home yet, or due for several more hours. "Prongs in?"
Lily turned as he stepped out of the grate to the fireplace in the living room. "No. He's working. He won't be back until six-ish."
"Ahh. Don't mind if I loaf about here do you? I've got nothing to do and I'm bored." Lily smiled.
"Not at all, you're always welcome, Sirius. Make yourself at home. Switch on the telly; want something to eat?"
"I'd love some nosh Lils." He winked roguishly at her. "If James hadn't gotten you first I think I might have just gone for you myself, y'know."
Lily blushed and looked away. He was charming. Too charming…
--
Several more times, she found Sirius would drop in to keep her company while James was at work during the day, and toss out little compliments, and lewd comments that earned him a smack more than once. But she would also just talk with him while she did the laundry, or cooked, or other householdy things.
He was attentive and kind and…and…well…everything James wasn't, to be honest.
Then, one day, almost out of the blue it seemed, he leaned in as he sat on the counter watching her cook dinner, and kissed her.
She was a little shocked, and pulled back, while Sirius waffled about, apologizing, and saying how he hadn't meant to. Then it sunk in. Sirius had kissed her. Not because it was his duty, or because he felt obligated but…because he wanted to. The next heartbeat, she was kissing him.
Sirius pulled back this time. "I…I can't Lily. James…he…I…"
"I'm sorry," she said, looking away. "You're right."
"I want to…" he murmured. Almost too low to hear, and she looked across at him, green eyes on fire.
"Me too."
Then he was sliding off the counter. He was close. Much too close… And his lips whispered over her neck. "Don't say thing like that."
"Why?" she whispered back. She wasn't really sure why she was whispering…it wasn't as though anyone could hear.
"Because I might do something I regret…"
He looked up at him, smiling slightly at the way his hair cascaded into his eyes. "What if I want you to?"
"Merlin…" he hissed. She was far too tempting. And worse, she knew it.
And then the door was opening, and Sirius was five feet from her. "Prongs!" He was the same jovially loveable Sirius again. "Merlin, do you ever take a day off?"
James grinned. "Only when they do." Sirius laughed at this. And Lily smiled secretly at the pot of spaghetti sauce. Sirius had kissed her…
--
Sirius didn't come back to visit her for a pair of weeks, and Lily wondered if she was somehow at fault, if maybe the kiss had freaked him out, or spooked him, but the next time he did pop up in her living room fireplace, and greeted her with a gentle kiss on the cheek, all those thoughts disappeared.
"Sorry I've been a ghost lately, got sent out on some Order business."
Lily nodded. She understood completely. "I saw James and…he says Dumbledore has something for him to do and…well…he's not going to be back for a couple days."
Sirius was blushing lightly and looked rather hot around the collar.
"That's fine" Lily said dismissively. "I can manage on my own. Not like I don't pretty much anyway," she added in an undertone to herself.
"What?"
She looked up, surprised. "Hmm?"
"What did you say? You don't pretty much anyway? What does that mean?"
Damn that curious bastard. "Nothing. Well…James and I…we aren't great."
"Oh." Sirius nodded. "So that's why…"
"Yes."
"So you two aren't-?"
"Not really, no."
Sirius nodded again, rather absently. "…I see…"
"Look, please, don't think on it. I don't. I'm sure it's just…a thing." She sighed. Since when had she taken the easy route? Was she a Gryffindor or not?
"Alright."
--
Sirius came by the next day as well, and Lily, who hadn't seen the need to wake early, was still in bed. She got up to put some coffee on for him, not noticing what her scantily clad form did to him. He gulped the hot strong liquid and tried not to look at her. It was…rather hard. Amongst other things…
"Alright Sirius?"
"Fine."
"You look troubled." She put a hand on his shoulder. "Anything wrong? You can tell me…if you want."
He looked at her eyes. Uh oh, mistake. And the next thing he knew he was kissing her, and she was kissing back, and sliding onto his lap.
And then clothes were being shed, and she was pulling him back to her bedroom, but he stopped her. "No. Not in your bed. No…" She nodded. She understood.
They chose the couch instead. It had been too long for Lily. She was a trembling mass of ecstasy before he was even halfway done with her. It made him smile. "Been awhile?"
She merely nodded as he stroked the gentle curve on the underside of her breast.
"I'm not one to judge, but…well Prongs is a fool. You deserve to be loved Lily."
The sentiment brought tears to her eyes. "Thank you." He kissed her collarbone.
"You're welcome. Ready for more?"
"Oh yes."
--
James came back, and Lily welcomed him with a grace and candor she thought she had lost. That night, he came for her in bed, and she allowed it, and as he thrust into her, she closed her eyes. He came soon enough, and rolled away from her. She hadn't.
"I love you Lily," he muttered as he lay beside her, and she closed her eyes. She wondered if she felt the same, and probed the depths of her own emotions… The truth was cold, hard and unforgiving. She…she just wasn't sure anymore.
She bit her lip. She wished she could say the same. Wished she could tell her husband to whom she had just 'made love' (if such a thing could even happen) that she loved him more than any other in the world but…she couldn't anymore. "I know."
James was already asleep.
Lily took a deep breath, and slid out of bed, deciding to stretch out on the couch. She closed her eyes, and images of what Sirius had done to her assaulted her. She let her fingers roam over her nipples and down between her legs. And as she gasped, riding the waves of pleasure that crashed over her some indefinite amount of time later, she felt tears slide down her face.
This was married life. And it was not what she had imagined it to be, the perfect fairytale with the Happily Ever After. This was her life, and it was far from Perfect.
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Author's Note: here you go. Lots of angst and bitterness. I normally loathe cheating but...meh, it makes for a nice storyline. Review and make an author's day! Cheers!