Family Secrets
The Goonies were watching the sequel to "Tommy Boy" on television. What follows is an almost exact replica of the transcript. Mikey sighed, took his inhaler and began to watch
Tommy reached out with trembling fingers. The Callahan family vault was open and full. Tommy Boy dipped a paw into the gaping darkness of treasures. There was but a single container inside. He opened it. Inside was a map. A treasure map! "Holy Shnike—" His famous catchphrase was cut off by ominous footsteps in the foyer. His uncle stood in the doorway, disapproving of Tommy's language.
"Now, Tommy, these brake pads are top notch. I need someone to sell them for me. This time, I want to use websites to sell our brake pads. Is that a good assignment for you and Rich to accomplish?" The uncle sneered. Tommy gulped and nodded his dopey head. He could make a website, all right. He could also find some treasure in the process…
That Very Evening
Ray Zalinksy, the auto parts king, was still pissed off that Tommy had swindled him and made him look foolish on television. He wanted revenge, and therefore sent out thugs to go get Tommy. They were also given one other special assignment: "Kill Richard."
Next Day
Richard sat watching "Spank-tro-vision" in his living room with the TV blaring porn. His stereo was also blasting some techno. He did some pretty graphic shit to himself, but then there was a knock on the door. Talk about a sinterruption! It was Tom at the door, so Richard answered it, blushing, and pulling up his pants around his waist. For a moment, his ass was out.
"What do you WANT, Tommy?!" Richard yelled.
"Nothing Richard…except a little good fortune, that is. So what do you say, Richard, are you up for a challenge? Are you up for treasure hunting? I just found a map in my dad's vault. He could always 'get a good look at a t-bone steak by sticking his head up a butcher's ass.' That means this treasure is the real deal! I really want this to happen. Not just for me, but for us as well. This will probably bring us closer as friends."
"Yikes," was all Richard could say, no longer blushing.