Picking up after Denny...
Alan and Denny Slash
When Denny finally passed, Alan had more work before him than he could remember ever having in his life. In addition to the grief and sorrow which weighed on him like a thundercloud. Since Denny had died after a supreme effort to return to golfing. And the little that he did, including pulling around a cart with his clubs. And the weaker he got the more difficult it was even to pull that cart around, and one warm day he became particularly weak, he sat down on a bench, and his golf buddies called 911, as he became so pale and feeble that the EMT's had to lift him to get him into the ambulance. Alan was called to the hospital, where he found Denny feeble and barely able to talk. He tried to speak to Alan but he was unable. Alan asked him if the cart had been too heavy for him, but Denny objected that it had not been. But Alan had the feeling that it was an attempt to project the old Denny, hoping to project that the Dimebolin had restored him completely. But Alan had a sinking feeling that he had seen the limits of the Dimebolin. For Denny's life, and that night, his fears were confirmed. As Denny passed during the night. Alan was crushed the next day when he went to the hospital, expecting to see Denny sitting up and hassling the nurses, as so often before, when the doctor directed him to the I.C.U. His heart fell to his feet, and he trembled even before he confronted the cold and motionless corpse of Denny. Cold and lifeless. When the option was offered the to get him a cardiac bypass that afternoon, he jumped at the offer, hoping hope against hope that Denny would spring back to life as so often he had before, instead he was offered to maintain Denny on life support as long as Alan wished, and he stared at his love so non-responsive and stiff. He thought of all the time that Denny had suffered from the foggy brain and lost in his own head and suffering fom the rude comments of others, and how often Alan had suffered emotionally for Denny. Maybe it was time to take his pain seriously and allow him to depart in peace! So Alan did and immediately burned down to his feet. He felt defeated and alone. He couldn't go home, immediately, he puttered around on the Boston Common. But he couldn't stop the tears from coming as he thought back on when he and Denny came there together on sunny afternoons and smelled the flowers and the grass. Which usually made Denny have allergic attacks. "Well, no more, my love,"Alan sniffed to himself. And going home and drinking made it no better, that evening! "Well, it's just part of life," he chided himself. And he could hear Denny chiding him, "Don't be such a girl!" and he thought back on the time when he had contemplated whether he and Denny were sexists, like when they accused people they felt were weak of being a girl. Well, wasn't that part of it, that females were seen as weak, so others could be referred to as girls, if they were seen as weak. And, Alan had to admit that both he and Denny and had used the term, without remorse. Alan's face grew warm with the thought that they had been so thoughtless at times. Still, his tears fell, as he thought that how Denny really been the kindest and most thought filled person he had ever known, and even when he was seemingly unkind, his heart was still the most generous person he (Alan) had ever known. And he thought of the unrelenting conservative nature of Denny's life. And he thought of his own liberality, although he had not always been so! His heart lunged at the thought that when he got home tonight, he would be without Denny. Still, he did not think of all the pain that was still to come! He knew that widowers and widows are not kindly treated even with the pain they had already suffered. Of course, the IRS was the first to insist for their own due. Of course, the Government would not want to give one cent extra to the bereaved, so the first stop he would have to make was the social security office. Then next he would have to decide which of Denny's personal items were to go to others, and if so, which things were to go to whom. Of course, Donny was first and foremost on his mind! Then the woman who seemed to be Denny's daughter, then the people from Crane, & Poole and Schmidt. That gave him a lot to think about. When he finally headed for his and Denny's condo, he had still a lot of which to think. He was sure everyone would want a piece of "Denny Crane", legend that he was! First he needed to think what there was of Denny that was available, he knew that Denny had planned to leave every thing to Alan's name. And right now, Alan certainly not want to think anything about what that entailed at this confused and mindless time. He was a good enough lawyer to understand what he legally needed to get done, such as getting the property transferred into his name and himself onto the tax roll for the property. His head ached as he thought of the many of his clients who had only recently become eligible to be married, that is the gay couples they must have been questioning was this the sacred thing they had really been pursuing? As was he! Surely each person who faced the beauracracy of marriage sagged under the weight of all the requirements and hurdles they faced. He remembered having some sticker shock when he and Denny first married and were stunned by the enormity of the happily ever after part of marriage and it's legal requirements. He had of course been familiar with the enormity of marriage. And the meaningfulness of each vow, but the romance and beauty of a ceremony that at once seemed so meaningful and then immediately seemed to become so profoundly onerous. At first, it just seemed like "Oh, well, we love each other and what seems so difficult will soon seem ordinary and shared!" For them it had actually begun to seem that way, but he was sure that for many not so blessed with wealth and the closeness of a shared responsibility and closeness, they felt lucky to have so much! And soon it soon it seemed that each person who greeted him wanted to know what he planned to do with this and that, now that Denny no longer needed this or that. The time he just wanted to be alone and silently share what he had left of Denny with him, now while his spirit seemed so close still. Of course, the first thing he thought he wanted to do was to go to Nimmo Bay, and try to retrieve some of the magic again. while Denny seemed to be so close still. But then when he thought of the joy they had shared there, he didn't see how it could ever be the same again! And his excitement and anticipation faded immediately. Even that they used to spend looking out at the wonder of vibrant Boston, faded as Alan realized that no longer could they rejoice at Denny's ownership of the city! Alan realized that he no longer felt that he owned anything any more, not even Denny's love! In fact, he felt nothing about anything except grateful that Denny had insisted the the words 'cherish' be added to the vows! That made him feel that Denny had meant for their words to last forever. The funeral manager tried to get him excited about the pending funeral, about which Alan wondered more and more what Denny really wanted, certainly he was no longer certain that Denny would want to be cremated and sprinkled over the balcony of Crane, Poole, and Schmidt any more. Especially since Chang had become the first name of the firm. Alan made a somber tour of the offices and the people who remained there. Each in turn greeted him, with a little less than joy. Karl and Shirley smiled warmly, but obviously they had their own lives now, trying to cope with management of the Chinese! Alan offered to return Shirley's cheerleader outfit voluntarily as well as the photos for which she had sued. She smiled good naturedly and assured him that she felt the time coming when she would be proud and gratified that two such desireable, extraordinary men had desired her, and she asked Alan to keep the pictures as well. He agreed gratefully, and asked if she were sure. He asked if the demise of Denny had occasioned her the grief that it had caused him, and she replied 'affirmedly so'. Although, she admitted that she was sure that she could never imagine the depths of his own loss, she agreed that she found herself deeply distressed. She admitted that without Carl, she could never have made it. And she asked Alan how he was holding up? Unbidden, the tears began to roll out of Alan's eyes and down his cheeks. Shortly, his shoulders began to heave with giant sobs and the heat of his sorrow. He told her, you know, "Shirley I never have missed any one with whom I never had sex before!" "So you never made it, huh"? Alan began to shake his head slowly and heavily. I would have done anything in the world for him, even leave him alone! "It sounds like you have done some growing up, Alan", Carl put his arms around Alan tenderly. Now that sounds like real love!"
Alan sniffled briefly, and said sadly, "Oh, yes, it was!"
Next Jerry heard Alan down the hall and he appeared at his front with a huge embrace.
"Jerry!" Alan exclaimed. "They kept you on!That's pretty amazing, isn't it?"
"It's amazing that you even decided to stay!"
"Yes it is!" Jerry responded. "They have been actually pretty understanding!"
"Yes, I would have expected that! Even when I acted most reactionarily to them, I could expect and accept the wisdom of their insight! And how is Katie? Amazingly happy to be my wife. I half expect that she has been inspired by the love of you and Denny! "Yes, I feel that seeing that you two could so gladly successful, made her think that the two of us could make it as well!"
"I don't think that knowing what I have of Katie I can't imagine that she needed any inspiration from us to know how to love you. I could see that she loved you so deeply already, that your union with each other could never be anything but joyous"
It was hilariously ironic that when DEK was having Denny talking Alan out of his word soup problems with Lorraine, the old song (Sweet Lorraine), that Denny paraded around the balcony (almost singing ) I can't wait until that happy happy day when I marry sweet Lorraine, it looked almost like he was thinking about marrying someone else, in a joyful presentiment of his soon to come wedding to Alan! And what better wedding could there be for either of them?
As the days crept by, Denny's death became more and more stressful for Alan. As each person he met reminded him of another dear memory of Denny. He began to wonder how he had managed to escape marriage to any of the dear women he had ever fancied, partially with the help of Denny. Alan began to wonder...Was that really help escaping marriage or was Denny saving him for something ? Alan had to think that it was the latter! Not that he minded, it just seemed more like Kismet more than anything else!
Each person he met came up with some dear memory of Denny, so that he began to think maybe the times he found Denny so presumptuous and with holding, was a time he just hadn't understood Denny as well as he should have, And that made him hurt even more! Just as he stood again on their balcony He heard Denny's voice in his ear. Don't be such a girl, soldier! And the tears bubbled up unbidden. How could I have had anything better, came to his mind. Denny often told him that he shouldn't wish for a woman he thought he did, ignoring the fact that Denny was his true love.
Alan considered when Denny urged that chewing chiclets would get him through his most difficult times with Lorraine ( lovely woman that Alan had desired above all other women, at least). Well, Alan had to admit that in the end it had worked for him.
But then that was the advice of Denny's mother. Did being a parent make one wise beyond all belief? Well, Denny's role as a parent, had always been questionable. But what if the other parent made for a mitagating role? Alan had to admit that he would never know that. Not only was he not equipped for the role, Denny had never made love to him (by Denny's own choice). In fact, Alan had the feeling that he had served as Denny's method of choice of birth control! It all made Alan feel somewhat like a condom. What had Denny thought about him sexually? There had been times that Alan felt certain that he was desired sexually by Denny. But with so much denial and controversial feelings in the relationship, Alan had always thought that the less thought about the situation, the better. He was certain that he would have made a more than satisfactory male lover for Denny, but without a certain declaration or desire for the same, it seemed like a sad and almost comic mental exercise for him. He had always found Denny attractive and could remember on more than one occasion expressing that view out loud to Denny. The most memorable time for Alan was when Denny expressed a desire to be desirable to women, feeling that he had not attractive to them any more, Alan could clearly remember telling Denny that he thought that he had a robust face, and a twinkle in his eye that made him very attractive and that he was surprisingly firm, at which point Denny half denied his being sincere in saying so. But Alan had been perfectly convinced of his sincerity in that statement. He remembered then wondering if that was why Denny never seemed open to what Alan felt were fairly clear sexual overtones. Did he think that Alan was laughing at him or might do so if Denny seemed open to his approaches. OMG, thought Alan, oh what might have been if only he (Alan) had been more forthright. Just considering the possibility of what might have been made Alan tear up yet again. Finally committing himself once again to retreat to their home, he called their driver on his cell phone, and asked Joseph to drive him to Denny and his condo in the suburbs. He didn't even try to hide the red eyes, he was sure that Joseph had at least some of his own. Instead, he tried mighily to stifle the clearly audible sobs, lest he distract Joseph from the road. Instead, joseph began to be extraordinarily practical as he offered to stop by the tax office to straighten out the upcoming tax situation. "No, no, tomorrow or the next day will be soon enough for all those details," protested Alan. The thought of how to redistribute Denny's wealth became overwhelming to Alan at that time as the thought of how many things had to be done. He thought of how many times he had wished widows and widowers well, without really considering how many things had to be accomplished in this wrung-out time when all he wanted to do was retreat from everything and simply be. Mentally he made a list of the things he must accomplish before he could actually confront the fact that he must do it all himself, with no best friend to whom he could cry out. He could yell at him, though, and demand to know why he had been left alone to deal with all this by himself, with no companion to absorb part of the blame for his bereft state? Of course, Denny would not be there to answer his heartbroken demands. Not that Denny ever had. Alan began to see that this love had been for Denny's benefit alone. Yes, they had enjoyed one another, and they had had wonderful times. It seemed to Alan that this was the real pain of being in love alone! Surely every gay person must feel this at the end. Maybe this is the hell they all must endure for loving one of their own.
After he got settled into their condo, Alan poured himself some of the Scotch that he and Denny so often had enjoyed on their balcony, and he felt himself begin to relax a little. He did not know why none of the unresolved items that had bothered him on the way home no longer made him dizzy., when none of the worrisome items had been settled. Most of all hung over him the unresolved question of if he had been a little more aggresively physically, might they have had a successful and enjoyable love life? He knew that no one could ever answer this if he did not know himself. He drank far too much Scotch for what he knew he wanted, a relaxed and restful sleep. Then he did what he had resolved not to do. He treated himself to some Vodka, something he did not ordinarily drink, but he had the feeling that without something more, he might not have any sleep tonight. Well, what the hell, no one would expect him to be at work the next day, and he did not have any cases hanging over him for a change. Somehow there had come a lull in non-chargeable cases just in time (he guessed, rather conveniently considering this time in his life, maybe God did have some mercy, after all). But as he settled down into a real drinking jag, it occurred to him that perhaps he should prepare himself for bed, just in case he really did get carried away more than he wanted, which he felt himself dangerously close right now. But remembering how unpleasant the morning could be after a spell of regardless drinking, he still attempted to keep it under control considering how much remained to do. If there was a rebellious streak in Alan, there remained a practical side which refused to allow himself to disregard all common sense. As he lay back on his bed in the last pair of pajamas Denny had bought him (because, Denny insisted that they made him look so sexy [he was not sure if they really did or if it was just because they were too big, and unfortunate portions of his body kept falling out]), and remembered how great it felt to be in something so free from any binding portions, not to mention the satin that so closely matched his cornflower eyes. One more swallow of the pleasant combination of coke and vodka, and he lay back and seemed to swirl as if the room were one big drink, and he were the cherry. Yes, he knew that was the wrong sort of fruit to garnish what he was drinking, but he didn't care anymore. He knew at the moment he lay back he was emptying the drink in the middle of his bed, but nothing seemed important which was exactly how he wanted to feel tonight. Suddenly he was lying back in his chair on the balcony at Crane, Poole, and Schmidt. And Denny was trailing his fingers along the back of his chair, slowly and languidly. Then up his neck, then standing over him, looking down with his twinkling eyes. Denny's hands were in his armpits raising him to his feet, then somehow, Denny had pulled him yet closer to himself and slipped his sizeable tongue into Alan's open mouth and sucked at his lips. Alan exchanged his tongue with Denny's and his head swum with bliss and surrender, which it really was after all. And for all his exclamations about not wanted to be objectified, in a flash, there was nothing more important. In his PG-rated dream, Alan could not bring himself to do what he had longed for so long. He wanted to fall on his knees and take Denny's long complained about organ, for so many years on one count or another, now, and demonstrate how perfect Alan found it and make it sing in a new way! He could taste Denny's penis in a way it had smelled since the first time he had smelled it so soon after Denny had first told him that he wanted Alan to come to work for him. That sweet melody had begun to echo in Alan's head soon after that and had never stopped or even quieted, Alan felt his face warm and soon his crotch as well, It seemed the entire city spun around them, exposed as they were on the balcony. As best as he could with his tongue down Denny's throat, Alan choked out to the Denny he now felt so near, "You could not have demonstrated it better, my love! We might have had a truly great love if only I had not been so fearful of offending you!" He pulled back and gazed into Denny's really sparkling eyes and saw them well with tears. Well, if you hadn't I may have realized how really great our love could have been. Denny whispered, "But, sh,sh,sh now my own true love, how could you have known with all my anti-gay bluster? And I do know that some people do feel that way. Just remember that I loved you like no one else in my life! And if you have to ask yourself whether or not we could have been champion faggots, after tonight never again ask! You bet! You bet! The best in the world. How many others ever have the opportunity we had at Nimmo Bay? Not many, not many! Now get a towel and dry off our bed before you drown in it tonight, and never forget that I will keep on loving you no matter what happens. Enough tears for tonight, and if you want to get anything done tomorrow that you feel you need to get done after tonight, you had better put away the rotgut before the servants discover that their new master is a drunk. Joseph will run all over you, given the chance. That's not true at all, he's a sheep in sheep's clothing. Now, dry your eyes and wash your face so that you can't cry any more, ok? " Alan did as he was told, and it did not seem like a dream at all so much as a visitation. And he had not disappointed Denny whatsoever!
As in the case where he had gotten Denny off for gay solicitation, neither of them had been actually been convicted of being gay. Alan slept soundly for the remainder of the night, Sure in his mind that he and Denny could have been gifted gay lovers if only he hadn't so feared to offend Denny! And that had after all been the hallmark of his relationship with Denny.
The next thing Alan did in the morning, was to put in a call to Donny Crane. "Hello, Donny. I'm not sure if you remember me as Denny's best friend in the Crane, Poole and Schmidt days or not, this is Alan Shore. I have some not so good news to pass along to you, this morning. You do remember the man who married your father? Good, that will make this no less pleasant, but a whole lot more explanable." Donny sounded as if he were choking. Everyone was expecting this, thought Alan,sadly, so the impact has just been a delayed tragedy. Next, he phoned Denny's long loved daughter, who had not known him as her father indeed vey long,he wondered how well she would remember him. When he asked if she remembered her father's best friend, she cried out: "Alan! How in the world have you been?" Alan answered in a subdued tone. "I've been living here in Boston with Denny, so how have you been?" "Great, I married a great guy and began teaching kindergarten. I've never been better!" "I have some disturbing news, nevertheless, I'm not quite sure how to tell you..." "Just blurt it out, how else?"
Alan choked up again himself: "youre father, that is Denny, has passed from this life..." When she heard his controlled sobs, she at last realized that he was sincere, and she asked softly, "Alan, I heard some crazy stuff about you two getting married, are you still with him?" "I was until night before last." Alan finally choked out. "Really, how long were you two married?" Alan finally managed to tell her "Six years, night before last." That's amazing, really, no one stays married that long anymore! Your doing, I assume." Alan was amazed at her response. "I would have remained married to Denny a million years if he had wanted me!" he blurted out! "Do you not remember that he had Alzheimer's disease?" "Not really, sorry, she had started sniffling."I thought you were calling me..." "You did?" Alan wished that he had not called her, he was startled that any one could forget the vital Denny's last battle with Alzheimer's disease. That she had not remembered him so much did not touch him. He had always felt that he was the lesser light, and that he would be missed far less remembered than Denny. Then it occurred to him that he had been less in contact with the old crew than had been Denny in the last eleven years. When he called Shirley, she sounded much the same, but the minute she heard his voice, she knew about what he was calling. "Alan!" screamed Shirley, her voice breaking. And at the sound of her voice crying out, Carl picked up the phone and joined the conversation. "He could never have made it so long without you!" Carl cried out as well.
Alan was almost startled at the sound of such long departed voices, especially after the conversation with Denny's daughter. "I should have known to call you two first. I just don't quite to know handle being made pregnant by Denny!"
Carl took on the joke immediately, and replied, "well it depends on whether you want to keep it or not!"
"Oh, Carl! How I have missed you," Alan stammered out. "But how could any one not want to keep a child so magically been conceived out of Denny Crane!"