"I want him to have a funeral."
My voice quivered as I said it. I tried hard to fight the tears that were begging to fall down my face again. Carter gently put his arm around me, and I was comforted, knowing he was there, knowing I don't have to go through this alone.
"He will."
I looked up at him with tears glassing over my eyes, and I could tell he was trying to be brave for me, trying not to cry when he himself was feeling the empty pain of loss in his own heart. Carter slid his hand into mine and squeezed gently as he sat down by my hospital bed.
How did we end up here? It seemed like just yesterday we were so excited…so ready for our future…and now everything seemed so…empty.
-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-
"Abby put that down."
She turned when she heard his voice.
"Carter, I'm fine."
He ran up to her, grabbing the box she held in her hands.
"Abby, I told you not to carry anything heavy. Pratt, Gallant and I can handle it."
She sighed, frustrated at him.
"Carter, I'm not challenged. I can lift up a box and carry it up a few steps."
He shook his head, a hint of a smile on his face.
"Nope. Not now you can't."
She rolled her eyes and threw her hands up in defeat.
"You win."
Carter nodded.
"Thank you."
She shook her head and smiled slightly, kissing him before he walked into the new house with the box. Abby put her hands on her back, looking up at the small yet cozy house they had purchased not more than a month ago. A little fence lined the small lawn that a porch overlooked. A porch swing rocked lightly in the breeze, and the curtains Susan had helped her put up hung in the windows. As cliché as it was, she loved the whole ambiance of the white fence and front yard. She could picture in her mind what the near future would bring for them.
She smiled to herself and walked up the steps into the house slowly. The house still smelled of the day old paint, and the furniture still had the white sheets over them. She walked down the two steps into the living room and pulled the sheets off of the couches, rolling them up in her arms and tossing them into an empty box. She drew the curtains and looked out into the back yard.
A pair of hands slipped around her, and she smiled as she felt soft lips kiss the nape of her neck.
"Pratt, you know, Carter is upstairs."
Carter laughed loudly, as Abby turned around, a grin on her face. She laughed and kissed him. He kissed her back and shook his head.
"Good thing I know you're kidding."
"Well, I heard he likes pregnant women."
Carter chuckled and kissed her again. He broke away and looked down to her belly that had grown so big in just the last few months. He gently put his hand on her stomach. She smiled, he was going to be the best dad, she could tell already. Every night he'd talk to the baby. It would sound stupid to anyone, until they saw him do it. It was the sweetest thing Abby had ever seen him do.
"Did you feel that?"
Carter shook his head.
"Where?"
Abby took his hand and slid it to the side of her belly.
"Right there."
A second passed before Carter felt a thump against his fingertips.
"I felt it!"
She grinned and watched his face as he felt for another kick. She ran her fingertips through his hair, and her smile grew bigger as she watched the excitement on his face grow as he felt the baby kick again. He smiled up at Abby and kissed his fingertips and touched them to her stomach before rising back up, kissing her gently on the lips.
"We need to talk about this name thing, Carter."
Carter looked at her innocently.
"Why?"
She laughed.
"Because there is no way I am naming our baby, if it is a boy, Rudyard."
Carter laughed and nodded knowingly. He sighed, defeated.
"Fine, fine. What name do you like then?"
Abby thought about if for a minute. She was never one to really think of good things, but since her pregnancy, she had trouble focusing on the bad.
"I was thinking of Rebecca if it is a girl…and for a boy, I think we should carry on the Carter tradition and name him after his father."
Carter smiled.
"Well, you know I never like to do anything the family will actually like…but I think I can make an exception."
She smiled and kissed him again before pulling away.
"I'm going to go fix you guys lunch, since you won't let me do anything else."
She gave him a look and walked off toward the kitchen.
"Alright…but don't use anything sharp!!"
Carter called after her. Abby rolled her eyes and shook her head. He was being so over-protective, and as annoyed she was by it, to a degree she loved it. She loved how concerned he was. She couldn't wait for the unpredicted day that was nearly four months away.
-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-
"No. John, I don't want to be wheeled out."
I shook my head, I didn't want the pathetic looks and nods of sympathy I knew I would get. I shook my head again.
"Let me walk out."
Carter gave me that look. One that he was struggling to do what I wanted, but knew what was best for me.
"Abby, please, we can go out the front, not through triage."
I shook my head again.
"Why are you fighting me on this, Carter?"
"I'm not. Dr. Coburn wants you to stay off of your feet."
"Fine! Then when we get home I'll sit in bed for the next month. I just…"
My voice trailed off, tears fought their way over the brims of my eyes. Carter looked at me, that look of pain in his own eyes. He crouched down next to me, wrapping his arms around me as I cried softly on his shoulder. I couldn't bear it. I could feel Carter's gentle hand on the back of my head, stroking my hair gently. I doubt he knew what to do. He always tried so hard to make me happy…and nothing could do it. Not today. I'd been happy…genuinely happy, without nagging thoughts and negative outlooks for the first time in a long time. I just wanted that back.
-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-
"So pink or blue?"
Abby wrinkled her nose at Carter and shook her head.
"That's so cliché. 'Pink or blue' Yellow is nice."
Carter looked from her to the rows of paint cans.
"Yellow. A happy color."
Abby gave him a look.
"Well, I'm happy."
He grinned and looked over the colors.
"Not like, neon yellow. Pale yellow."
"Like the OB ward? You have been spending way too much time up there."
Abby grinned.
"We can do a border or something, make it cute."
Carter chuckled. Abby using 'cute' in a sentence still threw him, and she used it more often these days.
"How's this one?"
He stood up, showing her the color of a pale yellow. She nodded.
"Looks good."
An hour later, Abby was sitting in a chair in what was to be the nursery, watching Carter paint the walls. She rested her head back on the back of the chair and shut her eyes, smiling to herself for a moment.
She toyed with the ring on her finger. It was heavier than the one she'd worn when Richard proposed. It was beautiful. Carter's great grandmothers. She was going to be a Carter. That just cracked her up. Here's little miss Abigail Lockhart from Minnesota, marrying into one of the most prestigious families in Chicago.
She and Carter had decided early that they would marry after the baby was born. He had proposed only two weeks before she found out she was pregnant. She had had so much trouble coming to terms with being pregnant…again. She didn't know if she could handle it. Being a mother…having a baby, a baby who could potentially be bi-polar, whom she'd have to take care of until the day she died. She didn't know if she could handle another Maggie…or another Eric in her life. Carter had finally gotten so worried about her, wondering if she was having second thoughts about marrying him. She eventually decided to let him in, tell him about her first pregnancy, her abortion, everything that had gone on in her life that he didn't know about. He was supportive of her, knowing that she'd make the right decision, and tried not to pressure her in one way or another, though she knew he would be crushed if she decided not to have the baby.
It wasn't until a mother had come into the ER, nine months pregnant, and delivered her first baby. The amazing joy that the parents felt flooded the trauma room, and hit Abby harder than it ever had before, in her vulnerable state. She wanted those happy parents to be her and Carter. She wanted to take a baby home, and as corny as it sounds, she wanted to dress her baby in cute little miniature clothes, she wanted to wake up at three in the morning, either to feed their child, rock him back to sleep, or just watch him sleep.
Carter had immediately gone into 'dad' mode. He'd come home proud of himself after buying another baby toy, or picking up an outfit. The first of course, was a Chicago Bears' t-shirt that could only fit an infant.
Carter turned around and looked at Abby who was off in a day dream.
"Abby, it's done."
She opened her eyes and looked around at the yellow room. The room seemed to beam with sunshine, and she smiled.
"It's perfect."
She nodded.
"Oh and I got this."
Carter rummaged through a bag from the local decoration store. He pulled out a border of little farm animals. Abby chuckled slightly.
"It's adorable."
"Isn't it? I thought it would go perfect in here."
Abby simply nodded.
"Yea. It's perfect."
Carter smiled and put his hands on both the arm rests of her chair, and leaned over to kiss her. She kissed him back, bringing her hand to delicately cup his face in her hand. He pulled away and smiled at her.
"I love you, you know that?"
Abby smiled at him.
"I know. I love you too."
-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-
I slumped down in the wheelchair. Damn Dr. Coburn had finally talked me into it. The elevator doors opened and the nurse, accompanied by Carter walked me out to the front curb where Carter had the car parked illegally in the red zone.
Carter reached out for my hand, and I cautiously took it as he led me into the car. He gently shut the door and turned to thank the nurse. I could tell by their faces that the nurse had apologized, and Carter had graciously taken the apology. Its funny how people apologize for things that they had no control over. For things that they had nothing to do with, and that wasn't really their fault in the first place.
Who's fault was this? Mine I suppose. Maybe if I hadn't had an abortion all those years ago…maybe if I had just given that child up for adoption, or kept it…maybe I blew my one chance to be a mother…
Carter slid into the car and looked over at me before starting the car. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Carter cleared his throat, and I looked over at him.
"Your uh…your mother called today."
Yes, that is just what I need. Maggie, bringing out the silver lining of the dark, black cloud that loomed over our heads. I don't want to see the silver lining, or the blue skies that are in my future. I lost a child…a child that I wanted more than anything in the world. I didn't even lose him…he was alive, he breathed, I held him in my arms. He cried…
Tears slid down my cheeks and I shook my head. Carter continued. I'm sure he didn't know what to say, what to do. I didn't know either.
"She um…she wants to come out. I told her that I'd call her back in a few days once things are a little more back to normal."
Back to normal?! Is he kidding? Things won't be back to normal! I could hardly breathe. The house that we'd bought for our family. The swing set Carter had insisted on buying, even though our baby wouldn't even be able to sit up on his own for at least four months. It was still in pieces on the back lawn. Things wouldn't ever be back to normal.
I simply nodded and stared out the window. Drops of rain began to fall gently from the sky, and I heard Carter turn the windshield wipers on. We turned onto our street. The rain fell harder now, and I watched the rain drops slide down the window of the car. Carter pulled to a stop in the garage. He sat there for a minute before I heard him sigh sadly. I forced myself to look over at him. He looked at me, his sad eyes pouring into mine.
"Ready to go in?"
I looked at him and nodded slowly, opening the door. I stepped slowly out of the car, aware of my sore spots. The ground seemed so much harder. I was sensitive to everything. Carter made his way around the car, my bag in one hand, he slid his arm around my waist, letting me use him for support. He was always like that. Offering me support even when I assured him I didn't need it.
He walked me upstairs, checking me every few seconds, just to make sure I wasn't going to pass out or anything. I felt as if that might be a good release…sleep, though I doubt I could. The door to the nursery was closed, thank God. I don't think I could handle seeing it. Carter walked me to the bedroom and gently guided me to the bed. I sat down, lost in thought…four days ago should have been the happiest day of our lives…
-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-
"Hey Abby, do you want anything from the store?"
Carter walked around the corner to the living room where Abby had been reading. Her face was twisted with pain, and she shook her head. Carter ran down the couple of steps to the living room and hurried over to her.
"Abby, what's wrong?"
He asked, his face stricken with panic.
Abby shook her head, breathing out slowly. She finally regained her composure.
"Contractions…I was going to call for you when another one hit…they are pretty close together, like five minutes."
Carter nodded, and scrambled for the car keys on the coffee table.
"Alright, alright. We'll be there soon, okay, okay…everything will be fine, just remember to breathe. I'll get the car, are you okay to walk?"
Abby nodded. She'd have laughed if she wasn't so concentrated on her contractions. She never had seen him so panicked, even when they had massive traumas come into the ER.
She stood up slowly and held her stomach with one hand, while wobbling toward Carter. He reached out his hand and helped her up the stairs. He walked her to the front porch and down the steps before running to the garage and pulling the car to the curb. He ran around and helped her into the car. Once she sat down, she groaned loudly, another contraction striking pain through her. Carter pulled out and hurried toward the hospital.
An hour later, they were set up in a room up in the OB ward. Abby had progressed beautifully through her first stages of labor, and Dr. Coburn had left to get the anesthesiologist to come give Abby the epidural.
Abby closed her eyes and exhaustedly rested her head on the back of the bed. She was so tired already, she couldn't see how she could actually push this kid out. Carter stood by her bedside, holding her hand tightly in his. He kissed her forehead, pushing stray hair from her face.
"You're doing great."
She looked up at him.
"Don't tell me I'm doing great. This sucks!"
Carter suppressed a laugh. He knew women in labor were unpredictable and often very moody. Dr. Coburn walked in, accompanied by two nurses.
"Alright are we all set?"
"More than you know."
Dr. Coburn smiled at Abby as she checked her vitals and how dilated she was. Her face fell a bit as she checked. Abby's heart thumped fast in her chest.
"Is something wrong?"
Dr. Coburn checked her vitals again.
"Alright, Abby…the baby's heart rate has dropped. If it doesn't come back up in the next few minutes, we're going to have to perform an emergency c-section and get the baby out."
Abby looked at her in panic, and looked up at Carter, who was squeezing her hand. He was staring at Dr. Coburn and opened his mouth to speak, then closed it when only stutters came out. He shook his head and tried again.
"Is…is that normal? I mean, will everything be okay?"
"I perform c-sections all the time, Dr. Carter. Everything should be okay."
She nodded to them both and left the room. The anesthesiologist forgotten, Abby dropped her hand to her stomach, silently praying for the baby inside. She looked up at Carter. He smiled reassuringly at her, but she could see right through him.
"What if they don't get the baby out in time?"
He nodded to her, crouching so he was eye level with her.
"They will Abby, they will."
He looked toward the door and after making sure Abby was okay with the nurse, walked out after Dr. Coburn.
"Dr. Coburn…"
She turned to him, and smiled sympathetically at him.
"Yes, Dr. Carter?"
He looked down, rubbing a hand through his hair.
"Everything will be okay, won't it? Please, tell me the truth."
"I can get the baby out in thirty seconds if I have to…"
Carter nodded and looked away. He looked back up at her.
"This woman…is my life."
Dr. Coburn nodded.
"I know."
He nodded slowly and turned back to walk into the room. He forced himself to smile encouragingly at Abby, and stood by her side, again sliding his hand into hers.
A few minutes later, Dr. Coburn entered the room again. She checked the stats from the monitor and nodded.
"Alright. I don't see enough of an improvement, so we're going to go ahead and take you into the OR and get the baby out, okay?"
They both nodded slowly as Dr. Coburn told the nurse to prepare the OR.
"Can I scrub in?"
Dr. Coburn sighed a little and shook her head.
"I'd rather you not, Dr. Carter. I need to stay focused on what I'm doing in there, and I don't think I'll be able to with you there."
Abby's grip tightened on Carter's hand at the thought of him not being there.
"Please, Dr. Coburn. Let him come in. I can't do this alone."
Dr. Coburn sighed and looked at them, their faces pleading with her. She nodded.
"Alright, but Dr. Carter, you have to stay on the other side of the curtain with Abby."
He nodded.
"I will."
She nodded.
"Then go scrub in. We'll get your anesthesia administered in the next couple of minutes for the surgery."
She walked out with the nurses, once again leaving Carter and Abby.
"I'm going to go scrub in. I'll see you in there, okay?"
Abby nodded slowly, terror filled her eyes. Carter bent over and kissed her gently.
"I love you."
She nodded slowly.
"I love you too."
~*~
Fifteen minutes later, Carter was struggling with staying behind the curtain while he heard the murmurs of the doctors and nurses on the other side. Abby closed her eyes, tired from the anesthesia, but fighting so she wouldn't go to sleep. Carter brushed her forehead with his thumb gently and smiled comfortingly at her.
"Soon enough we'll be at home with our baby."
She forced a smile up at him.
"He'll love the room."
"He?"
She smiled.
"Just a guess…"
The sound of a monitor beeping quickly shocked them out of their conversation.
"What's going on?"
Dr. Coburn shook her head.
"It's alright. He's out. It's a boy."
Carter grinned.
"A boy! We have a son!"
Abby smiled tiredly up at him. Carter bent down and kissed her. Abby looked toward the sound of Dr. Coburn.
"What's the Apgar?"
There was a silence coming from the other side of the curtain. Abby looked up at Carter worriedly and asked again.
"What is the Apgar?"
Dr. Coburn sighed a little, murmuring orders to a nurse.
"Four."
Panic struck both Carter and Abby. Carter looked around the side of the curtain, his hand still gripping to Abby's.
"What's wrong with him?"
"His heart rate isn't improving. We need to hook him up to a monitor and get him into the ICU."
Abby shook her head, tears running down her face and dropping onto the hospital bed.
"No…no. He has to be okay!"
Carter squeezed her hand as he watched the doctors take his son out of the room. He shut his eyes and prayed he would be okay. Carter leaned down and wrapped his arms cautiously around Abby, letting her cry softly against him. Tears slid down his own face, praying for the best, but preparing for the worst.
~*~
An hour later, Abby woke up in her bed. Her eyes scanned the room, and the affects of the anesthesia were beginning to ware off. Her eyes fell on Carter, who's face was buried in his hands, his eyes shut. She prepared for the worst…maybe something happened while she had slept.
Her voice was scratchy and just above a whisper, half from her sleep, half from the anesthesia.
"Carter?"
He looked up at her and stood up, walking over to her bed.
"Hey."
"Any change?"
Carter shook his head.
"No change yet. He's not doing too well…"
Abby silently nodded, wondering what she had done wrong. Was it all those years of drinking? Smoking? She'd given both up nearly half a year ago, but maybe the affects were longer lasting than she thought.
Dr. Coburn knocked as she slowly entered the room.
"How are you two holding up?"
They looked at her.
"Okay. How is he?"
Abby looked at the doctor hopefully.
"Not good. He is having heart failure. We are trying to help him, giving him steroids and we had to intubate him."
She sighed and took a step toward them. Something like this was never easy to say.
"I'm afraid that if he doesn't respond…there is a good chance he won't make it."
Abby's heart clutched in her chest. Carter's knees gave out on him and he sunk into the chair next to Abby's bed. He stared at the floor, a million things running through his head. He mentally searched for anything he knew, any trick he'd picked up in his years of training. Abby thought back to her days of being an OB nurse, thinking of anything, any hope that she could clutch onto. Both failed.
Dr. Coburn gave them a sorry nod.
"I'll leave you. You can come and see him. Just call the nurse."
She left the room. Silence was never louder. Carter shook his head, not able to believe it. Only a few hours ago they were overjoyed with the excitement of becoming parents together. Abby stared down at her trembling hands.
"I…"
Carter looked up at her as she began to speak.
"I don't know if I can do it."
Carter gave her a puzzled look.
"I don't know if I can go in and see him, and hold him…knowing…"
She shook her head, tears spilling down her face. Carter stood up and sat next to her on the bed, folding his arms around her trembling body carefully. He stroked her hair and brought himself to speak.
"Abby, you will regret it if you don't…you know you will."
Abby nodded, knowing he was right.
"Just…give me a minute."
He nodded and kissed her forehead gently.
"Take all the time you need."
Abby knew she couldn't. They may not have hours, more than likely not even the day. She wondered why there hadn't been warning signs, why the numerous tests and ultrasounds she went through didn't pick up on this, didn't give any warning signs.
Abby knew if she didn't go now, she wouldn't. She nodded to Carter.
"Okay."
He nodded and buzzed in the nurse. About a minute later, the nurse walked in with a wheelchair. Carter and the nurse helped Abby into the wheelchair, and Carter told the nurse he'd take it from there.
They slowly walked to the ICU's infant unit and stopped outside the door. Carter was trying so hard to be brave for Abby, brave for their son…but inside he was crumbling.
He pushed open the doors, and the familiar sound of monitors beeping filled the room. A couple nurses bowed their heads and looked away as they came in before returning to their duties.
Carter and Abby stopped in front of the incubator that held 'Baby Carter'. Abby pulled in a sharp breath when she saw the tiny red body, hooked up to monitors and tubes, his chest rising and falling in time with the monitor that was supporting him. She felt a deep rush of love for this little person, and a swell of pain knowing she wouldn't be able to watch him grow up.
Carter held back tears as he watched his son from behind a glass wall. He thought of all the things he wouldn't be able to teach him. How to throw a baseball, how to shoot a basketball. He wouldn't be able to support him through any decisions he would make, whether it was to be a doctor or a lawyer, or whatever he wanted to be.
Carter gently put his hand on Abby's shoulder. A nurse walked over to them.
"Do you want to hold him?"
Abby looked up at her and nodded.
Careful with the tubes and wires, the nurse gently lifted the baby out of his incubator and wrapped him in a blanket before placing him gently in Abby's arms.
Abby stared down at the red skinned baby she held. His fists curled tightly against his chest.
Open your eyes. Just get better…please…
Abby prayed to God that she'd never do anything bad again. She'd never smoke, never drink, always look for the good, not focus on the negative. Anything…just to be able to watch her son grow up. Carter's eyes filled with tears as he watched her with their son.
Abby kissed the baby's forehead as gently as she could. Tears spilled from her eyes onto the top of his head.
"Mommy loves you so much."
She whispered against his skin. Tears spilled freely down Carter's face. Abby's words gripped his heart and crushed it. Maybe he hadn't realized until she said it, that she was actually a 'mommy'. Abby looked up at him and nodded to him. Carter bent down and gently scooped their son in his arms as gently as he could, as if he would break him.
Carter gently traced each curve in his son's face. Down his nose, over his closed eyelids, across his forehead, over his tiny ears. He knew they didn't have much time…and he would stop breathing as soon as they took him off the ventilator. He didn't want their son to suffer. He didn't want him to have pain, and all sorts of tubes in him when he died.
Carter looked at Abby. She reluctantly nodded, knowing what they had to do. Carter cleared his throat quietly and the nurse nodded solemnly to them. She looked at them as if to make sure. Carter bent down and Abby touched her hand to their son's head. Carter nodded, pleading with her to just do it.
With a flick of her fingers, the monitors were shut off. Their corner of the room was silent. Dr. Coburn, who stood only a few feet away said in just above a whisper.
"Time of death…18:41"
-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-
I sat in the rocking chair, staring blankly at the crib sitting across from me. Lost in thought…It hurt so much. The little teddy bear Susan had given us as we went into the hospital lay in my hands.
A light crept into the room, and I didn't bother to look at where it came from. I already knew. The soft sound of steps coming toward me broke into my silence.
"Abby?"
I didn't respond. What was I going to say? He crouched near me, resting his warm hand on my arm.
"Abby, come back to bed…"
I shook my head slowly.
"Abby, you can't stay in here all night. You need your rest. It's nearly 3:30."
I need my rest? For what? Work? Life? Dealing with family and friends?
"Abby please…say something."
I took in a ragged breath.
"I'll be in in a few minutes."
Carter looked at me. I could feel his eyes pouring over me.
"Don't shut me out Abby."
I shut my eyes, on the verge of tears. His lips pressed against my temple and he walked out of the room, leaving me in the silence and darkness.
My voice quivered as I said it. I tried hard to fight the tears that were begging to fall down my face again. Carter gently put his arm around me, and I was comforted, knowing he was there, knowing I don't have to go through this alone.
"He will."
I looked up at him with tears glassing over my eyes, and I could tell he was trying to be brave for me, trying not to cry when he himself was feeling the empty pain of loss in his own heart. Carter slid his hand into mine and squeezed gently as he sat down by my hospital bed.
How did we end up here? It seemed like just yesterday we were so excited…so ready for our future…and now everything seemed so…empty.
-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-
"Abby put that down."
She turned when she heard his voice.
"Carter, I'm fine."
He ran up to her, grabbing the box she held in her hands.
"Abby, I told you not to carry anything heavy. Pratt, Gallant and I can handle it."
She sighed, frustrated at him.
"Carter, I'm not challenged. I can lift up a box and carry it up a few steps."
He shook his head, a hint of a smile on his face.
"Nope. Not now you can't."
She rolled her eyes and threw her hands up in defeat.
"You win."
Carter nodded.
"Thank you."
She shook her head and smiled slightly, kissing him before he walked into the new house with the box. Abby put her hands on her back, looking up at the small yet cozy house they had purchased not more than a month ago. A little fence lined the small lawn that a porch overlooked. A porch swing rocked lightly in the breeze, and the curtains Susan had helped her put up hung in the windows. As cliché as it was, she loved the whole ambiance of the white fence and front yard. She could picture in her mind what the near future would bring for them.
She smiled to herself and walked up the steps into the house slowly. The house still smelled of the day old paint, and the furniture still had the white sheets over them. She walked down the two steps into the living room and pulled the sheets off of the couches, rolling them up in her arms and tossing them into an empty box. She drew the curtains and looked out into the back yard.
A pair of hands slipped around her, and she smiled as she felt soft lips kiss the nape of her neck.
"Pratt, you know, Carter is upstairs."
Carter laughed loudly, as Abby turned around, a grin on her face. She laughed and kissed him. He kissed her back and shook his head.
"Good thing I know you're kidding."
"Well, I heard he likes pregnant women."
Carter chuckled and kissed her again. He broke away and looked down to her belly that had grown so big in just the last few months. He gently put his hand on her stomach. She smiled, he was going to be the best dad, she could tell already. Every night he'd talk to the baby. It would sound stupid to anyone, until they saw him do it. It was the sweetest thing Abby had ever seen him do.
"Did you feel that?"
Carter shook his head.
"Where?"
Abby took his hand and slid it to the side of her belly.
"Right there."
A second passed before Carter felt a thump against his fingertips.
"I felt it!"
She grinned and watched his face as he felt for another kick. She ran her fingertips through his hair, and her smile grew bigger as she watched the excitement on his face grow as he felt the baby kick again. He smiled up at Abby and kissed his fingertips and touched them to her stomach before rising back up, kissing her gently on the lips.
"We need to talk about this name thing, Carter."
Carter looked at her innocently.
"Why?"
She laughed.
"Because there is no way I am naming our baby, if it is a boy, Rudyard."
Carter laughed and nodded knowingly. He sighed, defeated.
"Fine, fine. What name do you like then?"
Abby thought about if for a minute. She was never one to really think of good things, but since her pregnancy, she had trouble focusing on the bad.
"I was thinking of Rebecca if it is a girl…and for a boy, I think we should carry on the Carter tradition and name him after his father."
Carter smiled.
"Well, you know I never like to do anything the family will actually like…but I think I can make an exception."
She smiled and kissed him again before pulling away.
"I'm going to go fix you guys lunch, since you won't let me do anything else."
She gave him a look and walked off toward the kitchen.
"Alright…but don't use anything sharp!!"
Carter called after her. Abby rolled her eyes and shook her head. He was being so over-protective, and as annoyed she was by it, to a degree she loved it. She loved how concerned he was. She couldn't wait for the unpredicted day that was nearly four months away.
-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-
"No. John, I don't want to be wheeled out."
I shook my head, I didn't want the pathetic looks and nods of sympathy I knew I would get. I shook my head again.
"Let me walk out."
Carter gave me that look. One that he was struggling to do what I wanted, but knew what was best for me.
"Abby, please, we can go out the front, not through triage."
I shook my head again.
"Why are you fighting me on this, Carter?"
"I'm not. Dr. Coburn wants you to stay off of your feet."
"Fine! Then when we get home I'll sit in bed for the next month. I just…"
My voice trailed off, tears fought their way over the brims of my eyes. Carter looked at me, that look of pain in his own eyes. He crouched down next to me, wrapping his arms around me as I cried softly on his shoulder. I couldn't bear it. I could feel Carter's gentle hand on the back of my head, stroking my hair gently. I doubt he knew what to do. He always tried so hard to make me happy…and nothing could do it. Not today. I'd been happy…genuinely happy, without nagging thoughts and negative outlooks for the first time in a long time. I just wanted that back.
-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-
"So pink or blue?"
Abby wrinkled her nose at Carter and shook her head.
"That's so cliché. 'Pink or blue' Yellow is nice."
Carter looked from her to the rows of paint cans.
"Yellow. A happy color."
Abby gave him a look.
"Well, I'm happy."
He grinned and looked over the colors.
"Not like, neon yellow. Pale yellow."
"Like the OB ward? You have been spending way too much time up there."
Abby grinned.
"We can do a border or something, make it cute."
Carter chuckled. Abby using 'cute' in a sentence still threw him, and she used it more often these days.
"How's this one?"
He stood up, showing her the color of a pale yellow. She nodded.
"Looks good."
An hour later, Abby was sitting in a chair in what was to be the nursery, watching Carter paint the walls. She rested her head back on the back of the chair and shut her eyes, smiling to herself for a moment.
She toyed with the ring on her finger. It was heavier than the one she'd worn when Richard proposed. It was beautiful. Carter's great grandmothers. She was going to be a Carter. That just cracked her up. Here's little miss Abigail Lockhart from Minnesota, marrying into one of the most prestigious families in Chicago.
She and Carter had decided early that they would marry after the baby was born. He had proposed only two weeks before she found out she was pregnant. She had had so much trouble coming to terms with being pregnant…again. She didn't know if she could handle it. Being a mother…having a baby, a baby who could potentially be bi-polar, whom she'd have to take care of until the day she died. She didn't know if she could handle another Maggie…or another Eric in her life. Carter had finally gotten so worried about her, wondering if she was having second thoughts about marrying him. She eventually decided to let him in, tell him about her first pregnancy, her abortion, everything that had gone on in her life that he didn't know about. He was supportive of her, knowing that she'd make the right decision, and tried not to pressure her in one way or another, though she knew he would be crushed if she decided not to have the baby.
It wasn't until a mother had come into the ER, nine months pregnant, and delivered her first baby. The amazing joy that the parents felt flooded the trauma room, and hit Abby harder than it ever had before, in her vulnerable state. She wanted those happy parents to be her and Carter. She wanted to take a baby home, and as corny as it sounds, she wanted to dress her baby in cute little miniature clothes, she wanted to wake up at three in the morning, either to feed their child, rock him back to sleep, or just watch him sleep.
Carter had immediately gone into 'dad' mode. He'd come home proud of himself after buying another baby toy, or picking up an outfit. The first of course, was a Chicago Bears' t-shirt that could only fit an infant.
Carter turned around and looked at Abby who was off in a day dream.
"Abby, it's done."
She opened her eyes and looked around at the yellow room. The room seemed to beam with sunshine, and she smiled.
"It's perfect."
She nodded.
"Oh and I got this."
Carter rummaged through a bag from the local decoration store. He pulled out a border of little farm animals. Abby chuckled slightly.
"It's adorable."
"Isn't it? I thought it would go perfect in here."
Abby simply nodded.
"Yea. It's perfect."
Carter smiled and put his hands on both the arm rests of her chair, and leaned over to kiss her. She kissed him back, bringing her hand to delicately cup his face in her hand. He pulled away and smiled at her.
"I love you, you know that?"
Abby smiled at him.
"I know. I love you too."
-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-
I slumped down in the wheelchair. Damn Dr. Coburn had finally talked me into it. The elevator doors opened and the nurse, accompanied by Carter walked me out to the front curb where Carter had the car parked illegally in the red zone.
Carter reached out for my hand, and I cautiously took it as he led me into the car. He gently shut the door and turned to thank the nurse. I could tell by their faces that the nurse had apologized, and Carter had graciously taken the apology. Its funny how people apologize for things that they had no control over. For things that they had nothing to do with, and that wasn't really their fault in the first place.
Who's fault was this? Mine I suppose. Maybe if I hadn't had an abortion all those years ago…maybe if I had just given that child up for adoption, or kept it…maybe I blew my one chance to be a mother…
Carter slid into the car and looked over at me before starting the car. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Carter cleared his throat, and I looked over at him.
"Your uh…your mother called today."
Yes, that is just what I need. Maggie, bringing out the silver lining of the dark, black cloud that loomed over our heads. I don't want to see the silver lining, or the blue skies that are in my future. I lost a child…a child that I wanted more than anything in the world. I didn't even lose him…he was alive, he breathed, I held him in my arms. He cried…
Tears slid down my cheeks and I shook my head. Carter continued. I'm sure he didn't know what to say, what to do. I didn't know either.
"She um…she wants to come out. I told her that I'd call her back in a few days once things are a little more back to normal."
Back to normal?! Is he kidding? Things won't be back to normal! I could hardly breathe. The house that we'd bought for our family. The swing set Carter had insisted on buying, even though our baby wouldn't even be able to sit up on his own for at least four months. It was still in pieces on the back lawn. Things wouldn't ever be back to normal.
I simply nodded and stared out the window. Drops of rain began to fall gently from the sky, and I heard Carter turn the windshield wipers on. We turned onto our street. The rain fell harder now, and I watched the rain drops slide down the window of the car. Carter pulled to a stop in the garage. He sat there for a minute before I heard him sigh sadly. I forced myself to look over at him. He looked at me, his sad eyes pouring into mine.
"Ready to go in?"
I looked at him and nodded slowly, opening the door. I stepped slowly out of the car, aware of my sore spots. The ground seemed so much harder. I was sensitive to everything. Carter made his way around the car, my bag in one hand, he slid his arm around my waist, letting me use him for support. He was always like that. Offering me support even when I assured him I didn't need it.
He walked me upstairs, checking me every few seconds, just to make sure I wasn't going to pass out or anything. I felt as if that might be a good release…sleep, though I doubt I could. The door to the nursery was closed, thank God. I don't think I could handle seeing it. Carter walked me to the bedroom and gently guided me to the bed. I sat down, lost in thought…four days ago should have been the happiest day of our lives…
-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-
"Hey Abby, do you want anything from the store?"
Carter walked around the corner to the living room where Abby had been reading. Her face was twisted with pain, and she shook her head. Carter ran down the couple of steps to the living room and hurried over to her.
"Abby, what's wrong?"
He asked, his face stricken with panic.
Abby shook her head, breathing out slowly. She finally regained her composure.
"Contractions…I was going to call for you when another one hit…they are pretty close together, like five minutes."
Carter nodded, and scrambled for the car keys on the coffee table.
"Alright, alright. We'll be there soon, okay, okay…everything will be fine, just remember to breathe. I'll get the car, are you okay to walk?"
Abby nodded. She'd have laughed if she wasn't so concentrated on her contractions. She never had seen him so panicked, even when they had massive traumas come into the ER.
She stood up slowly and held her stomach with one hand, while wobbling toward Carter. He reached out his hand and helped her up the stairs. He walked her to the front porch and down the steps before running to the garage and pulling the car to the curb. He ran around and helped her into the car. Once she sat down, she groaned loudly, another contraction striking pain through her. Carter pulled out and hurried toward the hospital.
An hour later, they were set up in a room up in the OB ward. Abby had progressed beautifully through her first stages of labor, and Dr. Coburn had left to get the anesthesiologist to come give Abby the epidural.
Abby closed her eyes and exhaustedly rested her head on the back of the bed. She was so tired already, she couldn't see how she could actually push this kid out. Carter stood by her bedside, holding her hand tightly in his. He kissed her forehead, pushing stray hair from her face.
"You're doing great."
She looked up at him.
"Don't tell me I'm doing great. This sucks!"
Carter suppressed a laugh. He knew women in labor were unpredictable and often very moody. Dr. Coburn walked in, accompanied by two nurses.
"Alright are we all set?"
"More than you know."
Dr. Coburn smiled at Abby as she checked her vitals and how dilated she was. Her face fell a bit as she checked. Abby's heart thumped fast in her chest.
"Is something wrong?"
Dr. Coburn checked her vitals again.
"Alright, Abby…the baby's heart rate has dropped. If it doesn't come back up in the next few minutes, we're going to have to perform an emergency c-section and get the baby out."
Abby looked at her in panic, and looked up at Carter, who was squeezing her hand. He was staring at Dr. Coburn and opened his mouth to speak, then closed it when only stutters came out. He shook his head and tried again.
"Is…is that normal? I mean, will everything be okay?"
"I perform c-sections all the time, Dr. Carter. Everything should be okay."
She nodded to them both and left the room. The anesthesiologist forgotten, Abby dropped her hand to her stomach, silently praying for the baby inside. She looked up at Carter. He smiled reassuringly at her, but she could see right through him.
"What if they don't get the baby out in time?"
He nodded to her, crouching so he was eye level with her.
"They will Abby, they will."
He looked toward the door and after making sure Abby was okay with the nurse, walked out after Dr. Coburn.
"Dr. Coburn…"
She turned to him, and smiled sympathetically at him.
"Yes, Dr. Carter?"
He looked down, rubbing a hand through his hair.
"Everything will be okay, won't it? Please, tell me the truth."
"I can get the baby out in thirty seconds if I have to…"
Carter nodded and looked away. He looked back up at her.
"This woman…is my life."
Dr. Coburn nodded.
"I know."
He nodded slowly and turned back to walk into the room. He forced himself to smile encouragingly at Abby, and stood by her side, again sliding his hand into hers.
A few minutes later, Dr. Coburn entered the room again. She checked the stats from the monitor and nodded.
"Alright. I don't see enough of an improvement, so we're going to go ahead and take you into the OR and get the baby out, okay?"
They both nodded slowly as Dr. Coburn told the nurse to prepare the OR.
"Can I scrub in?"
Dr. Coburn sighed a little and shook her head.
"I'd rather you not, Dr. Carter. I need to stay focused on what I'm doing in there, and I don't think I'll be able to with you there."
Abby's grip tightened on Carter's hand at the thought of him not being there.
"Please, Dr. Coburn. Let him come in. I can't do this alone."
Dr. Coburn sighed and looked at them, their faces pleading with her. She nodded.
"Alright, but Dr. Carter, you have to stay on the other side of the curtain with Abby."
He nodded.
"I will."
She nodded.
"Then go scrub in. We'll get your anesthesia administered in the next couple of minutes for the surgery."
She walked out with the nurses, once again leaving Carter and Abby.
"I'm going to go scrub in. I'll see you in there, okay?"
Abby nodded slowly, terror filled her eyes. Carter bent over and kissed her gently.
"I love you."
She nodded slowly.
"I love you too."
~*~
Fifteen minutes later, Carter was struggling with staying behind the curtain while he heard the murmurs of the doctors and nurses on the other side. Abby closed her eyes, tired from the anesthesia, but fighting so she wouldn't go to sleep. Carter brushed her forehead with his thumb gently and smiled comfortingly at her.
"Soon enough we'll be at home with our baby."
She forced a smile up at him.
"He'll love the room."
"He?"
She smiled.
"Just a guess…"
The sound of a monitor beeping quickly shocked them out of their conversation.
"What's going on?"
Dr. Coburn shook her head.
"It's alright. He's out. It's a boy."
Carter grinned.
"A boy! We have a son!"
Abby smiled tiredly up at him. Carter bent down and kissed her. Abby looked toward the sound of Dr. Coburn.
"What's the Apgar?"
There was a silence coming from the other side of the curtain. Abby looked up at Carter worriedly and asked again.
"What is the Apgar?"
Dr. Coburn sighed a little, murmuring orders to a nurse.
"Four."
Panic struck both Carter and Abby. Carter looked around the side of the curtain, his hand still gripping to Abby's.
"What's wrong with him?"
"His heart rate isn't improving. We need to hook him up to a monitor and get him into the ICU."
Abby shook her head, tears running down her face and dropping onto the hospital bed.
"No…no. He has to be okay!"
Carter squeezed her hand as he watched the doctors take his son out of the room. He shut his eyes and prayed he would be okay. Carter leaned down and wrapped his arms cautiously around Abby, letting her cry softly against him. Tears slid down his own face, praying for the best, but preparing for the worst.
~*~
An hour later, Abby woke up in her bed. Her eyes scanned the room, and the affects of the anesthesia were beginning to ware off. Her eyes fell on Carter, who's face was buried in his hands, his eyes shut. She prepared for the worst…maybe something happened while she had slept.
Her voice was scratchy and just above a whisper, half from her sleep, half from the anesthesia.
"Carter?"
He looked up at her and stood up, walking over to her bed.
"Hey."
"Any change?"
Carter shook his head.
"No change yet. He's not doing too well…"
Abby silently nodded, wondering what she had done wrong. Was it all those years of drinking? Smoking? She'd given both up nearly half a year ago, but maybe the affects were longer lasting than she thought.
Dr. Coburn knocked as she slowly entered the room.
"How are you two holding up?"
They looked at her.
"Okay. How is he?"
Abby looked at the doctor hopefully.
"Not good. He is having heart failure. We are trying to help him, giving him steroids and we had to intubate him."
She sighed and took a step toward them. Something like this was never easy to say.
"I'm afraid that if he doesn't respond…there is a good chance he won't make it."
Abby's heart clutched in her chest. Carter's knees gave out on him and he sunk into the chair next to Abby's bed. He stared at the floor, a million things running through his head. He mentally searched for anything he knew, any trick he'd picked up in his years of training. Abby thought back to her days of being an OB nurse, thinking of anything, any hope that she could clutch onto. Both failed.
Dr. Coburn gave them a sorry nod.
"I'll leave you. You can come and see him. Just call the nurse."
She left the room. Silence was never louder. Carter shook his head, not able to believe it. Only a few hours ago they were overjoyed with the excitement of becoming parents together. Abby stared down at her trembling hands.
"I…"
Carter looked up at her as she began to speak.
"I don't know if I can do it."
Carter gave her a puzzled look.
"I don't know if I can go in and see him, and hold him…knowing…"
She shook her head, tears spilling down her face. Carter stood up and sat next to her on the bed, folding his arms around her trembling body carefully. He stroked her hair and brought himself to speak.
"Abby, you will regret it if you don't…you know you will."
Abby nodded, knowing he was right.
"Just…give me a minute."
He nodded and kissed her forehead gently.
"Take all the time you need."
Abby knew she couldn't. They may not have hours, more than likely not even the day. She wondered why there hadn't been warning signs, why the numerous tests and ultrasounds she went through didn't pick up on this, didn't give any warning signs.
Abby knew if she didn't go now, she wouldn't. She nodded to Carter.
"Okay."
He nodded and buzzed in the nurse. About a minute later, the nurse walked in with a wheelchair. Carter and the nurse helped Abby into the wheelchair, and Carter told the nurse he'd take it from there.
They slowly walked to the ICU's infant unit and stopped outside the door. Carter was trying so hard to be brave for Abby, brave for their son…but inside he was crumbling.
He pushed open the doors, and the familiar sound of monitors beeping filled the room. A couple nurses bowed their heads and looked away as they came in before returning to their duties.
Carter and Abby stopped in front of the incubator that held 'Baby Carter'. Abby pulled in a sharp breath when she saw the tiny red body, hooked up to monitors and tubes, his chest rising and falling in time with the monitor that was supporting him. She felt a deep rush of love for this little person, and a swell of pain knowing she wouldn't be able to watch him grow up.
Carter held back tears as he watched his son from behind a glass wall. He thought of all the things he wouldn't be able to teach him. How to throw a baseball, how to shoot a basketball. He wouldn't be able to support him through any decisions he would make, whether it was to be a doctor or a lawyer, or whatever he wanted to be.
Carter gently put his hand on Abby's shoulder. A nurse walked over to them.
"Do you want to hold him?"
Abby looked up at her and nodded.
Careful with the tubes and wires, the nurse gently lifted the baby out of his incubator and wrapped him in a blanket before placing him gently in Abby's arms.
Abby stared down at the red skinned baby she held. His fists curled tightly against his chest.
Open your eyes. Just get better…please…
Abby prayed to God that she'd never do anything bad again. She'd never smoke, never drink, always look for the good, not focus on the negative. Anything…just to be able to watch her son grow up. Carter's eyes filled with tears as he watched her with their son.
Abby kissed the baby's forehead as gently as she could. Tears spilled from her eyes onto the top of his head.
"Mommy loves you so much."
She whispered against his skin. Tears spilled freely down Carter's face. Abby's words gripped his heart and crushed it. Maybe he hadn't realized until she said it, that she was actually a 'mommy'. Abby looked up at him and nodded to him. Carter bent down and gently scooped their son in his arms as gently as he could, as if he would break him.
Carter gently traced each curve in his son's face. Down his nose, over his closed eyelids, across his forehead, over his tiny ears. He knew they didn't have much time…and he would stop breathing as soon as they took him off the ventilator. He didn't want their son to suffer. He didn't want him to have pain, and all sorts of tubes in him when he died.
Carter looked at Abby. She reluctantly nodded, knowing what they had to do. Carter cleared his throat quietly and the nurse nodded solemnly to them. She looked at them as if to make sure. Carter bent down and Abby touched her hand to their son's head. Carter nodded, pleading with her to just do it.
With a flick of her fingers, the monitors were shut off. Their corner of the room was silent. Dr. Coburn, who stood only a few feet away said in just above a whisper.
"Time of death…18:41"
-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-
I sat in the rocking chair, staring blankly at the crib sitting across from me. Lost in thought…It hurt so much. The little teddy bear Susan had given us as we went into the hospital lay in my hands.
A light crept into the room, and I didn't bother to look at where it came from. I already knew. The soft sound of steps coming toward me broke into my silence.
"Abby?"
I didn't respond. What was I going to say? He crouched near me, resting his warm hand on my arm.
"Abby, come back to bed…"
I shook my head slowly.
"Abby, you can't stay in here all night. You need your rest. It's nearly 3:30."
I need my rest? For what? Work? Life? Dealing with family and friends?
"Abby please…say something."
I took in a ragged breath.
"I'll be in in a few minutes."
Carter looked at me. I could feel his eyes pouring over me.
"Don't shut me out Abby."
I shut my eyes, on the verge of tears. His lips pressed against my temple and he walked out of the room, leaving me in the silence and darkness.