I'm far too shy to speak
to you at school
You leave me numb and I'm not sure why
Emily POV
It's been a week since Pandora's party. A week since we kissed, and a week since I spoke to her. We're in the same college. In the same form. Even the same classes for fucks sake, and yet she can't bring herself to even utter a hello to me? I tried to initiate a conversation with her today. She was stood by her locker talking to one of her friends from politics, I heard something about Obama as I walked closer.
"Yes?" she turned to face me, eyebrow raised in a way that signified she was less than happy to see me. I'd probably interrupted some terribly important discussion regarding politics and saving the world, because the looked at me like I had a swastika tattooed on my forehead.
"Just saying hi" I said, smiling and trying to seem casual, though it's quite a hard thing to do when your heart is beating a mile a minute.
"Hi" she said, sarcastic as ever, giving me a patronizing wave. I stood still, trying to find the words, the right words.
Silence.
Any words?
More silence.
But no, it seemed that my brain had once again gone into hibernation. Fucking MDMA really isn't good in the long run.
"Soo…ermm"
Great. It seems that when it's not just me and Naomi my brain flips into monosyllable. I shifted about on my feet, wishing I could save myself with some great political anecdote. But politics isn't really my strong point, Obama is the black one right?
Silence.
After what seemed like an eternity (maybe 10 seconds) Naomi rolled her eyes and turned back to her friend.
I walked away quickly, cheeks flushing with embarrassment.
I find it easier to sit and
stare
Than push my limbs out towards you right there
After my terrible attempt at speaking to her, I've now elected for the sitting and staring option. It's almost as painful. I'm sure she can see me looking at her, but she chooses to ignore me. Occasionally Katie will nudge me, ask me what I'm staring at. I mutter the name of some boy in the class and she seems pleased and turns away. I go back to staring.
It's killing me.
If she doesn't have the decency to talk to me, she could at least have the decency to not look so damn beautiful all the time. But no, she has to sit there, ignoring me, looking absolutely perfect.
It's torture.
Torture knowing that just a week ago, we were led together kissing. Torture to know how it feels to have her lips on mine, but to know that the chances of that happening again are getting lower and lower. I just wish she would talk to me, tell me how she felt. Right now, even if she were to tell me that she hated me and never wanted to see me again, I could accept that, because at least she would have spoken to me. I would take anything over being ignored, being looked through, I'm starting to feel like I don't exist.
There I go again, no matter how hard I try to hate her, I can't. I can't deny my feelings for her, I keep telling myself she doesn't feel the same way, but part of me keeps holding on. Holding on to what? I don't know.
The fact that she kissed me back? The fact that she kissed me like she meant to? Like she felt something to? I look back at her, and oh shit. She's looking at me this time.
My
heart is bursting in your perfect eyes
As blue as oceans and as
pure as skies
Oh shit. She's caught me staring now. I should look away, but I can't. Her brown eyes look confused, but defiant, she's not looking away either. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am; I shouldn't have treated her like that. I felt like such a bitch afterwards that I went to try and find her, but I had no luck.
Still neither of us breaks eye contact.
Why did she have to kiss me? It's not that I regret it; it was just so much simpler before. Cock cruncher, sorted. But no, now it's not that easy. I kissed her, Emily Fitch, a girl. I kissed her, and I liked it. Oh god, how Katie Perry did that sound.
"Emily, Emily Fitch"
Emily looks away from me and towards the teacher who has been calling her name.
"Yes?" she says in an absent voice, barely making eye contact with the teacher.
"Can you tell me what I was talking about?"
Emily's face looks blank, it is apparent that she wasn't listening to any of the words that the lecturer had been spouting. The teacher repeats her question, irritation obvious in her voice.
Emily opens her mouth to respond, her mouth curling in a way that it utterly adorable. God I'm so rubbish at this 'not a lesbian' thing.
"Honestly?" Emily pauses "I don't have a fucking clue"
The look on the teachers face is priceless. Katie looks slightly shocked at her sister's reply, while I'm trying hard not to laugh. I didn't know Emily had it in her.
"And why is that Miss Fitch?" asks the teacher, regaining composure, voice loaded with menace.
"Because your not very good at explaining things?" suggests Emily, eyebrows raised, looking the picture of innocence.
Katie laughs at this. I laugh at this. The majority of the class laugh at this. The teacher, however, does not. Her face has gone a shade somewhere in between purple and red and her mouth is twitching.
Shouting ensues. On the teacher's behalf, while Emily looks like she couldn't give less of a shit if she tried. I have to admit that Emily's rebellion makes me want her that much more. Her pale face void of all emotion, the only sign that she's even there are the blinking of her long lashes. She really is beautiful, she just stands there, taking whatever shit the teacher yells at her, no reaction. Even Cook looks impressed.
When the teacher stops shouting, Emily gets up calmly, taking her bag and swinging it over her shoulder, she leaves. The lesson resumes and I am left speechless.
I'd always thought Emily let people walk all over her, let Katie walk all over her, but now I see that it's not like that at all. Emily is a stronger person than I've ever given her credit for. The way she let the words wash over her, this must be how she dealt with Katie, not caring enough to let the words sink in.
I was so sure that if were together then she wouldn't be able to take all the jokes, the whispers, the rumours and whatever else being gay came with.
How wrong I was.
I have to talk to her. Now.
I really need to thank Effy for what she did. That girl works in ways that no other human could.
It is thanks to her that I am now wondering round the college looking for Emily under the teacher's approval. Effy had convinced her that Emily would need resources to work from in order to complete the lesson's tasks. A valid point I suppose. Further argument had ensured that it was me who should go and find Emily. I'd never been so happy to leave a lesson, and as I left I caught Effy winking at me out of the corner of her eye. Really will thank her tomorrow. More important things to do now.
I find Emily leant against the wall in a currently un-used drama room. She barely looks up as I walk over to her.
"Yes?" her eyebrows are raised and her tone of voice matches the one I used earlier. Guilt spreads through me.
"Em… I just… about me being a bitch…I'm sorry….it was…I didn't mean.."
I struggle for the words and then give up
I pull her towards me, one arm round her waist, the other behind her head. It feels so good to have my lips on hers again. I'm scared she won't respond, but then I feel her arms loop round my waist. Holding me against her. I smile into her lips as her tongue battles against mine. This is what I've been waiting for, craving, since last weekend. I close my eyes, losing myself in her. Heaven.
My heads up with the birds on the t-hut