Russian Roulette

by Illyrya

For Dean life was just a big game of Russian roulette.

Title: Russian Roulette
Fandom:Supernatural
Author: Illyrya
Rating: T+
Word count: 1061
Warning: suicide attempt, unbetaed, au ending for season one.
spoilers: General
Summary: For Dean life was just a big game of Russian roulette. Only instead of he pulling the trigger every time it was his turn most often than not it was other people -his family- that did the pulling and most often than not there wasn't even a gun involve, but in the end it didn't and wouldn't matter. Eventually the game would end with only one outcome; his death.

A/N1: Inspire while listening to Russian Roulette by Rihanna hence the name of the story. As always all mistakes are mine and remember english is not my native language.

For Dean life was just a big game of Russian roulette. Only instead of he pulling the trigger every time it was his turn most often than not it was other people -his family- that did the pulling and most often than not there wasn't even a gun involve, but in the end it didn't and wouldn't matter. Eventually the game would end with only one outcome; his death.

Life hadn't started like this. He barely remembers the time before the fire but he remembers feeling of being happy and safe, something that life after the fire lacks -at least for him, towards him-. He remembers his mother's voice, the smell of cookies, his father's laughter. Then the fire happens and the only thing his brain reminds him from that time is silence and heat, read-orange flames that danced for days, weeks, months or so his brain made him belief, now he knows better the fire only lasted an hour at most but the destruction that left behind it lasted a lifetime -his lifetime, his life-. After that there is only Sammy and Dad and the hunt. He becomes what his family needed in order to move forward in order to survive and live. Little by little he stops being his fathers' son and becomes what the man needed him to be; a soldier, a weapon, a parent, a replacement. The same for Sammy only Sammy needed something different from his father so he became a friend, a brother, a parent, babysitter, housekeeper. In the end he became a chameleon, changing himself from moment to moment into what his family needed. Stretch himself so thin that he lost who he was -if he had ever know- immerse himself so deep into their lives -never his- that without them he was nothing, without them he didn't know what to do, he was without a purpose; useless and useless things usually got discarded or change for something better. So he tried his best, the fear of being left behind was a great motivator and for sometime he managed to do just that, he manage to be just what they wanted, needed.

But then things changed he screw up in a moment of childish frustration -not realizing then that his childhood had been already taken from him- and left his brother alone and almost got him killed. Only his father had return just in time to save him -Sammy always Sammy never Dean-. The things his father told him that night he would never forget and the way his father had looked at him that night hunted him until the day he died. Later he would realized that this had been the first round and that he was now on empty chamber closer to the end, that he was now closer to the moment when the trigger would be pulled and he would be dead. Time moved on and the "gun" got passed around and around. Sometimes it would be his father -most of the time- who pulled the trigger. A few times would be Sammy the one to do it, -not often at least not yet it would be a few years before Sammy became just as cruel and as masterful as his father- and sometimes he would do it himself. Only unlike his family who managed to hurt him and scar him deeply emotionally -and some times physically too- he would take out his pain out on himself, his body. Sometimes he would not eat, other times he would get drunk or high but most of the time he cut but nothing helped.

Then came the time Sammy had been waiting for and in the process of leaving and ripping apart his family, Sam had manage to almost destroy him completely. In the aftermath of that he became so useless that eventually his father ended up leaving, and one night he found himself in the driver sit of the impala with his gun on his mouth about to pull the trigger -for real this time, for the last time- only to be stop by a call from Bobby 'his daddy was missing' and without saying anything else the man had hang up. But Dean didn't need anything else from him because like always Bobby had saved him by giving him a new purpose a new mission a new reason for exciting. Something that said that while Dean Winchester might be damaged -beyond repair if you asked him- he was still useful for something. So he packed a bag and went looking for his brother praying -secretly and silently- that things had changed. In a way they had -for the worst-Sammy's girlfriend had die and his brother was finally embracing -reluctantly- the family business, but also in a way the had stayed the same. With Sam threatening to leave every couple of days and once they had found their father both of them had gone back to their old way of constantly being fighting and always putting him in the middle. Neither pleased when he took the other side, or when he tried to stay out of the situation or when he had his own opinion.

In the end they had manage to make him stretch beyond what he could and as hard as he tried he never manage to become what they wanted. Because in order to become what one wanted he had to stop being what the other wanted, and while he had been able to manage that when he was younger, when they spend more time apart from their father, and Dean only had to be one thing at a time most of the time, and the rest of the time -the minority of the time- he was able to pretend and thing work out. But now with them being together all the time it was impossible. So when the time came and Tess offered him the warmth of her embrace -and how screw up was his life that a reaper was the first one to offer him this- he did stop to think about it and went with her. In the end he had lost or maybe he had won pulling the trigger himself deciding his fate for the first time, but in the end he didn't really cared he was tired and now it was his time to rest.

The end