Santana knew this moment would come. Since that day a little over six months ago when her mom said they should be prepared. Prepared. Never before had she heard Maria Lopez sound so defeated. Like she had lost all hope. It broke Santana's heart. It took her two months before she could look at her mom without being angry. Without feeling like she was getting left behind. Two months before she was able to see how much pain her mom was in. Once she saw the pain she made a promise to herself that she would be a better daughter and do her best to make these last month's count. She would be everything her mom needed her to be, no matter how much it hurt.

But she didn't know how much it would break her when the day came. The day when she would have these last moments with her mom.

"Santana?" Her moms tired voice whispered in the quiet room.

"I'm…here." Santana tried to keep the tears out of her voice. She wanted to be strong for her mom but it was hard. So hard not to break down right now.

"Come here baby." Santana rushed to her mother's side and grabbed the hand closest to her. The once strong hands that use to hold hers as they crossed busy streets was now light and pale. Slowly losing life.

This can't be it.

"Mom." It was a plea. She couldn't let go.

"It's going to be okay."

"You…"A sob escaped her mouth. "How? I…"

"You are so strong Santana Lopez. And smart. Too Smart." Her mom attempt to laugh but ended with coughs. "I'm so proud of you." Santana watched as her mom cried silent tears.

"I love you mom." Santana threw half her body onto the hospital bed, clinging to her mother's pale, weak body.

"I love you. I love you." Her mom repeated and used all the strength she had left to hold onto her daughter. And when those words stopped coming she knew it was over. Cancer had taken her mom.

"Santana." A big hand rested on her shoulder. She heard her father's voice but she couldn't bring herself to let go. She was only nineteen and very much still needed her mother.

"Santana…come on." She pulled back to look at her mother. Ignoring her father all together. She loved her dad but…her she had always been closer to her mom.

She looked at her mother's face… her closed eyes. More tears came. It felt like her whole world was crumbling around her.

"Don't." She pushed her dads grabby hands away from her as a nurse came into the room. She watched as she made her way around the room shutting off the machines. And then it came. She looked at Santana with that sad pity look. That look you give to kids with dead parents. A dead parent. She couldn't take it anymore and rushed out of the room.

It was even worse when she got into the hall and saw her closes friends, that she had barley spoke to in the last month, waiting outside the hospital room.

Mike was the first one to see her and stood up but didn't move to comfort her. Probably didn't know how. Rachel, Puck and Tina and Quinn all turned to stare at her when they saw Mike move.

"San…"Pucks voice broke through first.

"I…"She shook her head. "Can you take me home?" She directed to Quinn. All Quinn could do was nod and follow after Santana.

Santana and Quinn had been best friends since they were seven. They lived on the same block, so they attended all the same school and knew all the same people. When they were ten Mike moved to the neighborhood and became their protective older brother. The three of them was like a little family. They had sleepovers until they got to that age where Mike was getting to old to stay with the girls. But they still spent their days together. Even the tough halls of high school couldn't break those three best friends apart.

Later on in either grade Puck, Tina and Rachel would come along and integrate into their tight little family. Puck and Quinn dated on and off until they graduated high school and decided they should just stay friends. Tina and Santana met in detention and started to hangout. So then she introduced her to everyone else. Rachel moved to town eighth grade year and kind of wiggled her way into their lives with her loud mouth and need for attention. She actually turned out to be a good friend once they decided to give her a chance.

Out of her five friends in the hall she chose Quinn to drive her home because she knew Quinn understood her need for silence and privacy. Quinn knew that all Santana wanted to do was go home, climb into bed and cry. Quinn was around when her mom first battled with Cancer. She was there when her mom won the fight. And she's here now when her mom waved her white flag.

Quinn pulled up to her friend's childhood home and looked over at the broken girl next to her.

"Thank You." Santana said quietly opening the passenger door. She puts one foot outside of the car before saying, "Tell everyone thanks for coming but I want to be left alone until tomorrow. Please."

"Yea…okay." Quinn really wanted to hug Santana but she's experienced a hurt and sad Santana before and knew that she wouldn't welcome the hug.

Once in the house Santana went up to her childhood room. Most of her stuff was in the dorm room she shared with Quinn. But the room was still filled with old poster she hung during high school and old teddy bears lined up around her bed. The bed she now laid down on to cry herself.

If you asked her what she remembered during the week of her mother's deaf. She would tell you about how her heart felt like it was beating out of her chest as they lowered her mom into the grave. The hugs she received and the words that was being talked at her but she couldn't register.

Her mom had been in the ground for two days but it still felt like it just happened.

"Hey San?" Mikes voice breaks through her thoughts. She looks at him sitting across from her at her childhood kitchen table.

"Yeah?" She's only been able to communicate with a look or short answers.

"Um…we have to drive back to school tonight but Puck says he can afford to miss a couple of more classes if you would like him to stick around a little longer." Mike informs her.

Santana almost forgot her friends were still in school. She decided to sit the fall quarter out once her mom informed her that she was sick again.

"Puck can afford that, huh?" It's the first smile she's attempted in days. And Mike well take it no matter how weak it is.

"Yeah…that's what he said." Mike smiles back at her. When she doesn't look away he takes it as a good sign that he won't send her into tears if he places his hand on top of the one she has resting on the table.

They sit in silence until they hear her dad greeting people at the front door. Quinn, Tina, Rachel and Puck file into the kitchen followed by her dad.

"Can I get you guys something to eat…drink?" They all give Mr. Lopez a smile but decline. If they want to get back to school in enough time to rest and be ready for classes in the morning they need to leave in the next ten minutes.

"Puck?" Santana gets the boys attention. "You are not using me as an excuse to ditch anymore classes." She stands up and pulls the muscle boy into a hug before moving onto Tina and squeezing her tight.

"Quinn, there's a bag in my room. Could you take it back with you, please?" Quinn nods and pulls Santana into her arms.

"Of course." Quinn whisper that she loves Santana into her ear before stepping back and leaving the room to go get the bag as requested.

Next Santana hugs Mike and watches as he follows her dad, Tina and Puck out of the kitchen. Her dad needed help moving a table they used to host all the food people brought over. Tina tagged behind them to act as supervisor.

So now she's sharing the kitchen space with just Rachel.

"Come here," Rachel opens her arms. Santana doesn't hesitate to walk into them. She rests her chin on the head tucked under her. Rachel's small arm squeezes her sides.

"Thanks for coming." She says into Rachel hair.

"Shut up." Santana watches as Rachel steps back and look her over. She knows she looks terrible with her tired eyes and her lazy clothes. A t-shirt and sweatpants has always been her go to comfort clothes.

"Call me when you guys make it home." Santana says completely releasing her hold on Rachel.

"Okay." Rachel says quietly.

"Rachel?" Rachel stops at the kitchen doorway and gives Santana her full attention.

She wants to ask Rachel to stay the night with her and drive back tomorrow.

But she can't.

Just like she can't bring herself to bring up that kiss they shared that weekend she went back to the University last month.

Santana hadn't talked it up because she didn't know how. She has admitted to being attracted to girls. She even slept with a girl named Britney that she met during her first year of college. But that was all it ever was. Just a couple of hook ups and then it was over.

Santana has known Rachel since eighth grade and never thought of her as nothing more than a friend. A straight friend. I straight friend that didn't hook up with girls. But apparently somewhere along the way that had change because lately she's been thinking about Rachel's lips and the softness of her hair. And Rachel's been giving her this look and…and she just can't deal with those thoughts right now.

So yeah. She wants to ask. But she can't.

"Nevermind."

TBC

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