"Never mind, I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you.… Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead."
-Adele, Someone Like You
Remus had known for some time that he was in love with Tonks. There had been barriers to his feelings, and despite his behavior she still wanted him. Somehow, this wonderful woman loved him, despite the pain and torture he had put her through, knowing that he loved her and she loved him. It should have been that simple, loving each other and knowing it. But it wasn't.
For Remus, love would never have been that simple. He had been in love before, of course, but that was long ago and he had never gotten over it. Olivia. How easily she had moved on, written off their relationship of three years as puppy love, and then, ironically, found herself madly in love with Sirius. Remus knew there was no convincing her to stay once she decided she hadn't wanted him anymore, but that didn't mean he hadn't still wanted her so much.
He had been fifteen, so the fact that by the time he was twenty he still wasn't over her was a bit pathetic, but not shocking. She was Olivia Cromwell. Sirius could understand, and Peter and James probably could as well, to some extent. She was far from perfect, but she was so indescribably wonderful that she may as well have been perfect. Sirius and Olivia were so happy, so clearly soul mates, that Remus swallowed all his pain and pretended that it was fine.
Truly, he was happy for them. How could he not be? They were his best friends, and they had both found love and happiness. The part that stung was that they had found it with each other, leaving Remus to watch the love of his life love someone else forever. Or at least, he thought it would be forever. When he had seen her body on the couch of the Potter's sitting room, he thought the world had to be over. It hurt so badly, he couldn't even cry. Grieving her as his lost love would be inappropriate, particularly with the way Sirius was sobbing brokenly over her body. Remus had loved her completely, but if her story was ever told, he wouldn't play the role he had so desired. That role would always belong to Sirius: love of her life, father of her child…
When Sirius had been taken to Azkaban, Remus had been furious. He had been especially furious at the thought that Sirius might have actually been the one to kill Olivia. The thought that Sirius's daily weeping and painful mourning had all been an act, especially as Sirius had known how much Remus had loved Olivia, it was a thought to horrific to bare. He couldn't help but think, at the time, that he had been the butt of a very sick joke. Sirius had taken everything Remus had ever cared about, taken everyone Remus ever loved, and killed them one by one, and then didn't even have the decency to evade capture long enough to kill Remus. There would never be closure: Sirius was in Azkaban, and Remus didn't have the strength to kill himself. Olivia would have been disappointed in him for even considering it.
Sirius breaking out of Azkaban gave Remus an initial desire to hunt him down and make him pay for what he had done, to tear him limb from limb for Olivia's sake, but Remus Lupin was a coward. He took the post offered to him by Albus Dumbledore and prayed he never ran across Sirius Black. Remus had been the clever one, but Sirius would win in a duel every time. Instead, Remus focused his energies on keeping tabs on Charlotte, the daughter of his greatest love and most hated enemy.
Charlotte looked like a perfect vision of Olivia, but with her father's unmistakable air of arrogance and self-importance. It was something that Harry decidedly lacked, and while Charlotte obviously didn't want all the attention she had, it didn't keep her from intrinsically knowing that she was truly the best. And she was. Charlotte Cromwell (he worked so hard to keep from thinking of her as Charlotte Black) was the most powerful witch to ever live. Still, at thirteen, she was much like any other witch at school. She just happened to have survived two different encounters with Voldemort, as her mother had at that age, as well. Admittedly, teaching his goddaughter for that year was one of the more painful experiences of his life, her serving as a constant reminder of how he had lost Olivia twice to Sirius Black.
And then the night everything fell into place, the night he realized Sirius hadn't been guilty after all, Remus felt both relieved and robbed all at once. It had been almost easy, all those years, to hate Sirius, to blame him for everything, because Sirius had been the one to take Olivia away from Remus. Suddenly, the straw man had fallen and Remus had to face the fact that Olivia hadn't been stolen away, she had left of her own free will. In a way, that stung so much more than the thought that Sirius had betrayed them all, even though Remus's logic knew it shouldn't.
After having met Tonks, Remus found her amusing, but her odd attention to him was a bit off-putting. Sirius joked that his baby cousin had fallen for an odd old man, and Remus thought it was just Sirius looking for attention. Then, one day they had been poring over an old photo album. Sirius had pictures of Remus and Olivia from when they had been dating, back when she still wanted him.
"She's beautiful," Tonks had breathed, leaning over the picture. "She really does look just like Charlotte, Sirius, absolutely gorgeous."
Without warning, she scrunched up her face and closed her eyes, causing her pink hair to grow and go black, and her eyes changing from brown to green when she opened them.
"What do you think?" she said. "Can I pull it off? After all, Charlotte and I are cousins; we ought to be able to look a bit alike."
Sirius had barked with laughter, but Remus had frozen. She didn't look like Olivia, it wasn't the same thing. Their faces were completely different. Still, it was the first time he had really looked at Tonks, really seen her as a woman. It was funny that she had caught his attention with Olivia's hair and eyes, because he thought Tonks's usual pink hair really made her look better. Prettier. Beautiful. Tonks was beautiful, pink hair and all.
It was then that he had begun to realize how similar Olivia and Tonks were. They both adored Sirius, though Tonks as his baby cousin, looking up to Sirius as a sort of example. They both were quirky, entertaining, and able to light up an entire room with their mere presence. She had all the youthful joy Olivia had had, even during the darkness of the war. She was an Auror, so she was clearly capable with a wand, just as Olivia had been. They weren't the same person, but he had realized that Tonks really was incredibly charming, and from that day on, he could hardly help but be around her.
Of course, it frightened him when they had become too close, they had kissed, they had even kissed with passion, but he couldn't do this. He was a werewolf, which was a reason enough in itself, but he was far too old for her, he didn't have the funds to support her, and he was still in love with Olivia. She wasn't Olivia, no matter the similarities, but when he pushed her away, broke her heart, he didn't mention Olivia. Sirius was dead by then, and it felt like an insult to his memory.
It was frustrating that the Order had pointed out, after Bill's attack, after Dumbledore's death, that Remus was being foolish in pushing Tonks away. Without being able to bring up his remaining reason for pushing her away, he began to be around her again, but it wasn't like she wanted. Remus made sure he stayed away from Tonks, keeping her at an arm's length, but not pushing her away completely. He was worried, so worried, that by going too far physically, he would make some terrible mistake, like saying Olivia's name. He lived alone, but he was fairly certain that he still said her name in his sleep.
Slowly, his resistance to Tonks's charms had crumbled, and here they were, curled up in her bed, skin on skin, hands intertwined. He couldn't be sure when he had fallen in love with her, but it was certainly not long before Sirius had died, so over a year previously. Now he was holding her, despite his fears, and he hadn't made the mistakes he thought he would. In fact, it had been impossible to think of anything but Tonks, when he had been able to think at all. She was intoxicating. The idea that he might have called her Olivia was beyond laughable.
Running his lips gently along her jawline, Remus made up his mind then and there. He didn't care that a war was on, he didn't care that he wasn't going about things properly, he was going to ask Tonks to marry him in the morning, just as soon as he had made them breakfast. She wasn't Olivia, but he loved her so much more than he could have imagined. She was real, alive. She was like Olivia, only she was better, because Tonks was made for him, and Olivia never could have been his. Tonks would be his. He just couldn't believe it had taken him so long to sort it all out.
A/N: This is a lovely little oneshot, probably one of the only happy endings you'll get. I could have continued it, obviously, but it wouldn't have ended happy, so be happy with this. I was inspired by spending the day reading a lovely Remus/Tonks fic by Luce-depp called The Color of a Full Moon, which is FABULOUS, BTW, and I was listening to Adele's Someone Like You the whole time… I cried. A Lot. And it was wonderful. So this is my way of taking that lovely experience and making it into something that not only fits into my lovely storyline, but might even make your day a little brighter (I hope?). Let me know what you guys think! If you want a bit more of Remus/Olivia drama, check out It's For You! If you want to read more Harry years with Charlotte… sorry, I'm not putting those up until I'm done with It's For You, but the plus side is those are basically written! :D
K, end of long note. Cheers! Love you guys!
-C