Author's notes: Dear StarKids of this website, this is for you. I hope you like it. :D
"Oh! Ron, Hermione, there you are," said Harry. "I couldn't FIND you, you know I'm not a Hufflepuff. I'm too awesome for them."
"You certainly are, Harry," Hermione said submissively, nodding her agreement.
"Where have you been?" asked Ron, who as usual was stuffing his face with some foodstuff or other.
"Oh!" Harry exclaimed, the purpose for his hurriedness returning. "I've discovered something, and I need to tell you. Follow me."
The three ran along the first-floor corridor and into an empty classroom. Harry shut the door behind them and turned towards Ron and Hermione in a particularly dramatic way.
"That douche Voldemort has my Godfather, Sirius Black!"
"What?" Ron asked indignantly in between bites of his sandwich. "That's totally not cool!"
"But Harry," Hermione piped up. "How would you know something like that?"
Harry shrugged. "Well, I fell asleep in my exam just now, you know how they're really boring and I'm way too awesome for them so I'm allowed to sleep through them, I mean, I'm Harry Potter, and then I saw Voldemort torturing Sirius. That's right," Harry continued in a stage whisper, "he was forcing Sirius to watch him tap-dance."
Ron gasped in horror.
"But – but where? How?" asked Hermione.
"Don't ask stupid questions, Hermione," Harry snapped. "Of course I don't know how Voldemort kidnapped him. You're supposed to be the smart one here."
"YEAH HERMAN!" chorused Ron, who high-fived Harry and opened a bag of crisps. Hermione looked downcast.
Harry continued. "I do however know exactly where they are. They're in that room of the Department of Mysteries with those glass balls and shit or whatever. That maniac took Sirius there and intends to torture him until he hands over whatever it is he wants. He said he would kill Sirius and IT'S NOT FAIR, I'VE ONLY KNOWN HIM FOR TWO YEARS AND I LOVE HIM. I'M IN A RAGE."
"Oh dear," Hermione said. "It looks like you're the maddest you've ever been. Surely you're not thinking of going there to save him, Harry? That would be a most dangerous endeavour which could only end in tragedy for at least one of the parties involved."
Harry was confused for a second, not understanding Hermione's loquatious lecture.
"I don't know what you just said, Hermione, but it sounds dumb. I know! Let's go and rescue Sirius! I mean, duh, I'm the boy who lived, there's no way this could be dangerous for me at all." Hermione rolled her eyes.
"That's right!" chided Ron. "Voldemort's no match for Harry! Harry defeated him when he was a baby!"
"Okay Hermione," Harry said. "How are we going to get there?"
Hermione blinked. "Harry, did you not hear what I just said? I really don't think this is a good idea..."
"I don't see what your problem is, Hermy-one. Harry's always seen the place completely empty when he's dreamed about it, and he must be right," Ron said, with the air of explaining that one plus one equals two.
"Harry has never actually been to the Department of Mysteries!" Hermione protested. "He has only dreamed about the place and as a great wizard once said, it does not do to dwell in dreams..."
"Shut up, Herman, and stop quoting random dudes we don't care about," Ron exclaimed, as Harry yawned pointedly.
"No, seriously guys, I smell a rat," Hermione said. "Why would Sirius be in the Department of Mysteries? I really think you should check this, Harry, imagine how disastrous it would be if you were wrong about this? Innocent people could be killed if it were some sort of a trap or something."
"Hermione, do you really think Voldemort would be smart enough to pull a stunt like that to get me to some random place with glass balls? I mean, he sucks, and even so, I'm like invincible, he knows that, what's he going to do? Throw the balls at me and watch them bounce off as if they were made of rubber?"
Ron laughed, and Hermione shot him a look of deep disgust.
"I'd feel a lot happier if you'd actually make the effort to try to contact Sirius before rushing off," Hermione said.
"Hermione, if I were to try to contact Sirius, would it make you shut up? You're causing us to waste a heck of a lot of time..." Harry said.
"You know what?" Hermione said. "Yes, it would. Just do this and I'll stop nagging you."
"Great, that's settled," Ron said. "You talk to Sirius, Harry, and Herman shuts up."
"Getting me to shut up might not be as easy as you think, on that count," Hermione said. "Dumbledore and McGonagall have both gone! There are no more Order members at Hogwarts, and Umbridge is policing all the fires in the school, except for the one in her own office!"
"Well then we'll have to use the one in her office. Simple," Harry said. Hermione couldn't believe her ears.
"Harry, are you insane? If that woman catches you in her fireplace she'll pop your head off with her own bicep!" Hermione exclaimed worriedly.
"What's your problem, Herman?" Ron demanded. "Harry doesn't have to worry. He's Harry Potter. He can go wherever the hell he wants whenever the hell he likes."
At that moment, the door flew open and Ginny and Luna bolted in.
"I heard Harry Potter's voice!" said Ginny, in an awestruck tone.
"Go away, stupid dumb little sister!" Ron bellowed. "Can't you see we were talking about things that are none of your business?" Ginny started crying and Luna handed her an upside-down Quibbler.
"Here," Luna said. "Read about Pigfarts. It might cheer you up." Ginny immediately stopped crying and gazed at the magazine.
"Actually, Harry, Ginny and Luna might be able to help us," Hermione pointed out. "We need a distraction if you're to get into Umbridge's office."
"Hold it!" Ginny said, putting the magazine down. "You're breaking into Umbridge's office? Can I go with you?" she asked eagerly.
"Whoa! No!" Ron snapped at her. "You think I'm going to give anybody except for me an excuse to pick on you? You're not coming with us. Besides which, there's only space for two people under the invisibility cloak."
"That's right Ronald, that's why you'll be the bait. Take Umbridge as far away from her office as possible, tell her there's a new protein-shake dispenser by the viaduct, a new gymnasium by the Quidditch pitch. Anything," Hermione said. "Harry and I will sneak in and use her fire."
Ron scowled. "You guys always get the cool roles. Why can't I be the super-cool spy for once?"
"Hey, what about us?" Luna asked serenely.
"Oh yeah! You and Ginny can keep the third-floor staircase clear," Harry said. "You can just tell everybody that I'm somewhere else so there's no point in them attempting to go that way as there's no reason for them to." Hermione rolled her eyes again.
"Yeah okay, just keep everybody away from the staircase, Ginny," Hermione said. "You too, Luna."
"Sure," Luna said uncertainly. "Come on Ginny, let's let some nargles loose in the corridor."
"Great, but can't you wait until Ron has lured Umbridge away first?" Harry asked. Ron jumped.
"Should I do that now?" he asked uncertainly, in between mouthfuls of Walkers' ready-salted crisps.
"You should have done that several minutes ago, Ron!" Hermione berated him. "Look, we'll all go to the third floor corridor now so Ginny and Luna can set up their distraction the minute you've got Umbridge out of the way."
With that, Harry flung open the door and sprinted out of the classroom, the others in his wake. As soon as they reached the bottom of the third-floor staircase, Harry grabbed Hermione, Ginny and Luna and shoved them behind the hump-backed statue in the centre of the ascending single helix.
"Ron, you go and get Umbridge out. We'll watch from down here," Harry said. "As soon as we see you leave down the other stairs towards the library, Hermione and I will run up to her office and Ginny and Luna can keep the staircases clear. Got it?" Everybody nodded, and Ron stowed his bag of crisps in his robe pocket and darted up the stairs, two at a time.
After a few seconds, Harry heard the sound of a heavy door creaking on its hinges as Ron opened the Defence Against the Dark Arts door and ran inside. Another minute later, the sound of a deep voice yelling "WHAT?" attracted Harry's attention. He stepped backwards away from the wall towards the statue, craning his neck, and saw a muscular, pink-clad figure striding out of the classroom, closely followed by Ron.
"Harry!" Hermione whispered urgently, handing him an extendable ear. Quickly, Harry put one end of it to his ear and threw the other end of the pink string in the air, hoping it would catch on the balustrades high above them. It did, and Harry quickly gathered what Ron had told the wo-man.
"You mean, liddle boy, dat my Dumbadore has been seen streaking by the clock-tower courtyard?" Harry heard, as Umbridge rounded the corner at what seemed like five hundred miles per hour. Harry suppressed a giggle. After Ron had stopped by the corner, flashing a thumbs-up at the others before continuing to follow Umbridge towards the library
"Ready to go?" Hermione asked Harry, who nodded. The pair dashed up the stairs, leaving Ginny and Luna to keep the staircase clear.
Harry draped the invisibility cloak over himself and Hermione, and pointed his wand at the classroom door, confidently saying "alohomora." Absolutely nothing happened.
"Honestly," Hermione muttered, gently pushing the door open. "It wasn't locked in the first place."
"Psh, I knew that," Harry said, brushing his hair out of his eyes. He led Hermione across the classroom and up the stairs to Umbridge's office. He tried to push that door, determined not to be wrong twice, but it refused to budge.
"Harry, it's locked." Hermione said. "Alohomora!"
The door swung open and Harry was immediately confronted by the sight of a load of weightlifting equipment, an assortment of Taylor Lautner posters and a heavy-looking axe. Harry gasped.
"What the hell is this? Taylor Lautner? These posters aren't nearly as boss as Dumbledore's Zefron poster."
"That doesn't matter Harry, just use the fire so we can get out of here as quickly as possible. I don't like the look of that falcon," Hermione said, pointing out the bird in the corner of the room to Harry. As he looked at the falcon, it scowled at him and pointed its talons at him.
"Okay," Harry said, seizing a fistful of Floo Powder from beside the fireplace, throwing it onto the logs in the grate and saying "number twelve, Grimmauld Place. FLOO POWDER POWER FLOO POWDER POWER..."
Bright green flames shot up from the logs and Harry stuck his head in them. He was greeted by the sight of his godfather's deserted kitchen.
"Sirius?" he shouted desperately, craning his head around as far as the fireplace would allow him, but there was no sign of his godfather. Right on cue, Harry's scar hurt and he was suddenly transported back to the Department Of Mysteries.
"Trying to resist, Black?" said a high, rather hoarse, drunken-sounding voice. Harry opened what seemed to be his eyes and saw his wand pointing at his godfather, who was cowering on the floor, his hands in front of his eyes.
"Voldemort, I don't want to watch you tap-dancing anymore!"
"Oh come on, I'm not that bad. Actually, I've been told I'm rather good," Voldemort said, sounding rather put-out. "Either way, you WILL watch me pas de bourée."
Harry's vision suddenly started bobbing up and down, he heard Sirius' screams of terror and the kitchen returned. Harry blinked, and puzzled over this latest vision.
At that moment, he felt a very strong hand gripping his scalp and pulling his head backwards, out of the fire, long false nails sharpened into talons scrabbling across his head. He struggled to become free from the vice-like grip that was now squeezing his head, twisting it around. Harry suddenly caught sight of a terrifying face that was kind of pretty in a disturbing way.
"Boy, whatchu doin' in my fire?" said Umbridge, in the lowest and most ominous voice she could muster. Harry saw that behind her, the falcon was grinning. "Oh, that's Falco," she said, matter-of-factly. "He tells me when I've got chillens in mah office that shouldn't be there." She said the last few words while waving her spare index finger left and right, silently reprimanding Harry.
"You there, boy, take Potter's wand," she said to somebody Harry couldn't see. "And the Granger girl's, too." The extremely tall figure of Goyle came into view for a second, and Harry felt his wand being extricated from his robes. He heard a familiar high-pitched, over-the-top received pronunciation laugh and turned the slight amount Umbridge would let him to see Malfoy juggling six wands. Harry's face would have contorted with rage, but Umbridge was gripping his hair so tightly it was impossible for him to form an expression of any kind.
"Now, liddle boy, why would you be pokin' around in mah office? Why'd you use mah Floo Powder?" she asked suspiciously. "Were you tryin' to get through to my Dumbadore?" Her eyes widened.
"No! That's totally bogus, man," Harry protested. Out of the corner of his eye, Harry saw Hermione looking thoughtful.
"As a matter of fact," she said, Umbridge's gaze moving to her, "Yes. We were trying to get through to Dumbledore."
Umbridge looked as though Christmas had come early. Harry heard a light cough that sounded as though it had come from Ginny, and he realised that she, Luna and Ron must also be out of sight in the room. But then whose was the sixth wand?
"Girl, WHERE'S MAH BOYFRAN?" Umbridge demanded, throwing Harry aside and seizing a fistful of Hermione's frizzy hair. Harry looked around for a second and spotted Neville before Crabbe, who had been detaining Hermione, lumbered over and started shaking Harry from the shoulders.
Hermione looked exceedingly scared, as Umbridge went off on a tirade. "You liddle turd," she said, seizing the axe by her desk and holding it by Hermione's face. "You know what the worst thing a girl can do is? HIDING AWAY ANOTHER GIRL'S BOYFRAN. OUT WITH IT, FRUMPY. WHERE IS MY DUMBADORE?"
Hermione's eyes were wide with terror. "Um... see, the thing is, we couldn't find him. We're not Hufflepuffs, you see," she said tentatively, as Umbridge put her in a headlock. "We just wanted to tell Dumbledore that the weapon is ready."
"What weapon, girl?" Umbridge asked smoothly, her deep voice full of danger.
"If you let me go, Harry and I would be more than happy to show you..." Hermione said timidly.
"Right you are, Frumpy," Umbridge declared, taking the bait. "You can show me where this weapon is, but it had better be more impressive than mah axe," she said, thrusting Hermione away from her and seizing another hand axe from under her desk. She pointed it as Hermione, motioned for Goyle to release Harry and said "lead the way."
Hermione marched out of the office, Umbridge's axe raised behind her, and led Harry and Umbridge out of the office and down the stairs to the third floor corridor. They kept on walking, descending through the clock tower and out over the covered bridge, down to Hagrid's and towards the Forbidden Forest.
"Hermione, what the hell are you doing?" Harry muttered, sure that the sound of Fang's barking would be enough to prevent the formidable Umbridge from hearing.
Hermione's response merely consisted of a "you'll see," and then she started shouting. "We're almost there, keep going." The second this had passed her lips, a palomino centaur with long white hair emerged from the Forest.
"It's Firenze, our cenchaur friend!" Harry and Hermione chorused. Firenze took one look at Umbridge, picked her up and put her over his shoulder in a fireman's lift and carried her off into the forest without another word. Harry and Hermione cheered, as the sound of screeching emanated from the Forest.
"NOOOO! I am wo-man, hear me SMASH!" came the voice, before fading away to nothing.
"Totally awesome!" Harry exclaimed. "Mama's gone!"
At that moment, Ron, Ginny, Luna and Neville approached.
"Where did Mama Umbridge go?" Ginny asked, unable to believe her eyes.
"Who cares?" Ron quipped, munching a RedVine. "Well, are we going to London or what?"