I've been moping around lately, maybe because the line, "This girl you want is tearing us apart." took a great hit on me. And I've been listening to The Veronicas lately and I got inspired. I guess you can call it that.
These past days I feel as if everything is getting so heavy, so hard already. I tried writing to ease out myself, so I ended up with a too-mixed with emotions poem. I wanted to write something about a song and I ended up with this. The poem almost made me cry, though. I made it for my bestfriend who I knew could relate to it. She ended up crying. Yeah. So here's another 'fic.
It's a song fic. You should totally listen to 'In Another Life' by The Veronicas before you read this. It's pretty good, I tell you.
Note: Deidara is a girl here! First shot. Tee hee. Sorry if it's a tad bit too corny or over-rated. My feelings got the worse of me.
Disclaimer: I don't own the song. I don't own the anime. I don't own the pair. I own the plot, I guess. Yeah. That is all. I own a cookie. Ha.
Until Then
I have known you my whole life
I came up to you and waved, asked you for your name. You told me it was Sasori. "I'm Deidara." You told me it was a weird name for a girl.
"Hi, Sasori." I remember the first expression you gave me. We were still kids. Still children. But you managed to give me a cold glare one that looked utterly bored of everything. I didn't know then, but there was sadness in your eyes. I felt something in you, something in me then. I was drawn to you. And that's why I promised myself to help you, to help ease the pain. After that, we've been great friends, haven't we? I stuck to my internal promise, getting to know you to the core.
When you were ten, you said you'd make me your wife
That's what we were. We were still kids, but we valued each other more than little children value each other. I thought of you as a brother, but now, I feel something more. Did you intend to keep that promise? I kept asking myself. Every night, I asked myself, even up to this day; "Do you promise, Sasori?"
Eight years later you won me over
We've been stable. We're older now. And we're still the best of friends. You went up to me, asked me to go somewhere with you. You were so bold, Sasori, very bold. I remember you taking my face in your hands. Ever so gentle, they were. And then your lips claimed possession of mine. It was the best feeling I've ever felt in so long. You've won me over. You got it. I'm yours.
Just as I took the world on my shoulders
But before that, I honestly felt bad. I didn't like it being away from you. We were still like brothers sister, and I kept thinking, maybe that's what we'd always be. You told me you'd make me yours, I waited. 8 years, that wasn't long, was it? But I kept waiting that one night on our fourteenth year you spoke to me, "Deidara, we're moving." My world shattered. I didn't want you to leave. But I could see it in your eyes that you were arguing with yourself. Stay or leave, I wished so much that you'd stay. That that side would win. I wished, but no, it didn't happen. I saw it in your eyes how happy you were with your grandmother, but I could also see the sadness in your eyes, you didn't want to leave, but didn't want to pass it up, too. So then, I tell you, "its okay. We'll see each other again, right?"
With one of those genuine smiles you told me only I could bring out, you took my hand and squeezed it, "I promise."
Endless phone calls and dreaming about you
That night you left, I found myself curled up into a ball. Tears streaming my faces, murmuring over and over again, 'if it makes him happy...I'm happy.' 'No matter what.' 'We'll see each other again.'
'That's a promise'
So I waited. I dreamt about you, but it only hurt. You weren't calling, no letters, no e-mails. I thought you'd forgotten about me. I wish you hadn't. But I just waited. I knew it was unhealthy but I did so because you promised. You promised me, Sasori, you promised. I trusted in you and believed you so much I knew deep down you weren't lying. So I'm waiting. I'm waiting.
Always said that you were my man to be
They said it wasn't healthy. Obsessing about you, why? Deep down in my heart, really, I knew you still cared. So I never stopped caring. I tried once, but I couldn't do it.
But I guess I was in love with your memory
I admitted, more than once to myself that you weren't real. And that you were too good for me. Were you? You always told me how perfect I was saying I was the good one and not you, but it hurts just thinking about it! You said you needed me! But... It's getting hard. Would it be right if I just told myself that I was in love with your memory? Because that's all you left me with. The yesterdays we shared, not the tomorrows.
You know I love you, I really do
I can't lie.
I can't pretend I don't when I really do.
I really do love you.
But I can't fight anymore for you
But you're not coming back anymore, are you? I can't do it. I can't fight this myself. I'd only stuck the sword deeper into my heart if I did so. Wouldn't it be fair if I fought when you were ready to fight, too? It's really too hard. It's so hard to stop, to stop in everything I believed in, to stop believing you. I put my faith in you...now I think it's a stupid thing that I did. I'm sorry. But...I can't.
And I don't know, maybe we'll be together again
I'd love to believe that. But your promise, my promise that I'd be with you, I'm not breaking them. I won't forget it. No, I won't. And I know what no matter what, we'd see each other again.
Sometime, in another life; In another life
If the world can't let us be together, in this one life that we all would live and would end, maybe we'd be together somewhere. Somehow, we will. In another life. Maybe when everything is better, maybe when things were perfect? When you were a prince and I would be your princess. That simple kind of life, we'd be living a fairytale. And then everything would be perfect. Wouldn't you think so?
I know I said that I would keep my word
It hasn't been easy. I don't know anything tall that well, everything is so wrong. Everything is so complicated! These years...these past years I don't know what's been going on. Offer me a second chance and I'll take it, you want a second chance, I'll give it. But I can't. You won't. You couldn't. Sasori...I'm sorry. I'm a pathetic excuse for someone who truly cares about you. I give you lousiness and I love you, I love you and I'm pathetic. I'm sorry.
I'll keep my promises... I'll fight. Even if it's impossible. But how can I do it?
How can I keep my promise when you're not around to keep yours, when you aren't even here to apologize for breaking it? How can I fight when you won't do it with me. Is it so wrong? Am I too wrong for you? Am I that pathetic?
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you so much I'm pathetic already. I can't keep my word, I can't keep my promise. I have to...move on. You were everything I could ever ask for, everything I ever wanted. Everything I'd ever need. But. That's just it. There's a but. I can't keep my word. I have to break the promise. I can't stay and be with you like I promised myself when I first got to know you. It's breaking me in half when I have to break it.
I wished that I could save you from the hurt
But now you're back after four years. In that one day alone in the park, you held me and kissed me.
"I love you," You said as you hugged me gently, scared that I might object. I hugged you back, loving every single second that you held me there.
But you notice I've changed, you notice something wrong, I knew you were asking yourself, 'Is this the Dara-chan I knew?'. I myself am afraid to answer that. I wish I'd never agreed to see you so that you wouldn't have to see me like that. It hurt so much knowing that you were hurt.
Conflict in your eyes again, I feel that mine are about to shed the tears I've been holding back. So without hesitation, I hug you, "I love you so much and I'm sorry. I loved you, I really did."
But things will never go back to how we were
Even Sasori could feel it. He could see it in my eyes that I've changed, really changed. "Dara? Are you okay?" How twisted was my expression that he had to ask that? How badly crumpled and tore have I been since he left?
"You left me..." I whispered. His hand tightened around my waist.
"I'm back now,"
"It's not...the same anymore, Sasori."
He was so pained, so hurt, so dreadful when I finished that. I could have just stabbed myself! I could have just jumped off a cliff than say that! I waited for him, right? Well, now he's back, he's holding me; he tells me he loves me.
But we both know that nothing would be the same again. It's so painful; I've said it over and over again. I can't see him like this. I'd rather die than have him be so sad.
I'm sorry I can't be your world
A new batch of tears fell from my eyes as you looked at me. I forgot how intense those brown eyes could be. No more boredom, no more, the spark of something so heavy was in your eyes. I wish I could stay loss in them forever. It's telling me to be lost in their depths, but I have to pull away. I care for you so much I can't bear to get you hurt.
"I'm not... worth it." I knew this was true. I was never meant for Sasori. So perfect, so beautiful.
"You are, Dei-chan. I'm so sorry I've left you to wait. But I promised you. You are so very worth it and I can understand if you've...moved on." He hesitated, his gaze lowering. He stroked my hand.
"I'm sorry I can't be what you need, Sasori. You were everything...you still are but...I'm not good enough for you."
"You're my everything, Deidara. When I was away, all I ever thought about was you. So don't tell me you're not worth it because you are. You're everything I could ever ask for, ever want. Ever need."
Why are you so compassionate, Sasori? Where's the bitterness you gave me those earlier years? I hate myself even more for even thinking about letting you go. But I know now more than ever, when you tell me all these things that I could never be the one for you.
The way you're holding on to me makes me feel like I can't breathe
Don't let go.
I'm selfish.
I'm masochistic.
I am so shallow and self-centered.
I know it would never be, but I want you to hold me tighter.
Want.
Even though every single touch caused my breathing to stop for the slightest bit of moments. I still want you to do it, because if I would die right here, right now, at least I'd die in your arms, dying because you took my breath away.
Just let me go, just let me go
And then I break away from you. "I..."
"...Can't?" Sasori finished seeing that it was becoming so heavy already. I nodded my head disdainfully, wishing he would feel happy that he's finally let me go and that he would find someone else.
I wish.
It just won't feel right inside
It's simply not the same anymore. "I really need you, Sasori. But...It doesn't feel right. Not anymore." And he nods wisely, but keeps our fingers twined.
"So I'll wait," He hates waiting. "It was very hard; you know when I couldn't see your face. It was hard getting through it, getting through a day." And yeah, he's still so impatient.
God knows I've tried
I have, haven't I? Tried with all my might. I've tried so hard, and if I fail to make things better – for me and for him – then at least I tried. If I fail, then we'd be together. But it's wrong.
And if I succeed, we'd be apart. It's right in one way, but it hurts in so many ways, it hurts in a thousand different ways.
You know I love you, you know I do
"...So very much." I stroked his cheek as he observed my face, his gaze softened, catching my hand and holding it there.
But I can't fight anymore for you
But now you're here with me. For me. Your promise has been fulfilled and my broken one has been slightly mended. We're together, now you're fighting. And it's me who stands in the sidelines and watch. I'd love you so much more of you let me go. Maybe then it'd be easier to let go of you then. But it's hardly unfair, forcing you to forget me first when I want to forget you so very much.
Mixed emotions.
I want you but then I don't...I can't grasp myself anymore.
And I don't know, maybe we'll be together again, sometime, in another life
The tears are back now and as I stand, I look at you, maybe for the last time. "We'll be together. Somehow. Somewhere."
"We are together. We're together now." He interjects your thoughts, reaching out a hand to grab mine.
In another life...
In another life, Sasori. When I can simply be the princess and you the prince. Where fairytales do happen and last forever, leaving us happy with no bad things in the middle.
"In another life, Sasori." Somewhere in me felt that it was true, even after we die, Sasori and I would find each other and be together. Rightfully then. And it wouldn't be so wrong, it would be perfect.
"Promise," We both said together, giving each other one last glance. Underneath the pained expressions were hopeful ones.
"I'll wait."
"The feeling won't stop."
"I'll love you till then."
"Till then, Deidara."