So, I have not written anything for around 3-4 years now. I have no idea how well this will be received, nor do I think this is the best thing I have ever written. I have, however, put this up anyway as a starting point. I hope you all enjoy, please leave constructive reviews as I do have more, better ideas!
Meredith Grey doesn't need sleep anymore. Having three kids alongside being one of Grey-Sloan's top general surgeons meant there wasn't time for sleep, so she's adapted to be stronger, to be better and not need to sleep to be able to be a good surgeon and the best mother. She'd never call herself a single mother, because really she isn't. Really, she has more family to help her than most people do, with two sisters, a best friend, other parents and a whole hospital floor of interns. She was grateful for them, but they still aren't Derek, and she still doesn't have time to sleep.
Nights have become part of her day now, as its quiet she enjoys being able to sit and hear her own breath without having to think about helping someone else take theirs. The quiet had become a luxury, and if she happened to be able to fall asleep during so then that's okay, but she enjoys the quiet more. To start with she felt guilty, feeling like she should be crying about Derek, or packing the kid's lunches, or doing research for her clinic trial, something that was more than staring at the ceiling. Soon the feeling disappeared, as soon as Meredith realised at this time of the night, the time when the kids are in bed and the street lights have turned off, she isn't a surgeon, she isn't a mother, and she isn't even a widow. She's just a person. A person that is sure she can hear a 4 year old boy crying down the corridor.
"Mummy's here, mummy's here." Meredith rushes into Bailey's room, where her presence seemed to soothe him just enough so she can relax slightly knowing he shouldn't wake his sisters.
"Mummy." Bailey splutters as he writhes around in his bed, clearly trying to escape his duvet covers.
"Breathe Bails, you're okay." She says softly in a poor attempt to calm him. Taking a hand into his blonde curls, she gently strokes his hair with one hand while using the other to untangle Bailey's limbs from the duvet and pull his still wiggling body onto her lap, holding him close. "Shhh."
His hysterics stop a few moments later, but his cries keep coming, his tears soaking Meredith's chest. The two sit like this for a while longer until Amelia sticks her head in, rubbing her eyes.
"Everything okay?" She asks, her voice raspy. Meredith just nods in reply, then stops her when she goes to leave.
"If Ellis wakes up can you get her bottle?" Meredith asks, her arms still tight around her crying son. "There's some premade in the fridge."
"Of course." Amelia says, despite the bags under her eyes screaming differently, before leaving the room as abruptly as she appeared.
Bailey seemed to cry for nearly an hour, and nothing Meredith could say would soothe him any more so than just holding he did. She knows her little boy like she knows how to scrub, and she knows that right now, whatever was going on in his little head, he just needed to be held.
"Milk." He eventually chokes out through his whimpers.
"We can go get milk." Meredith tells him, and instead of even bothering to ask stands up, securing his legs around her own waist and letting his head fall onto her shoulder, regardless of the slight pain it caused her. She carries his downstairs and goes to pour a sippy cup of milk, pausing momentarily at the premade formula and debating for a second whether she should warm one now, knowing Ellis would wake any minute, but decides against it. Bailey needed her right now, and Ellis would just need a bottle.
While the milk heats in the microwave for Bailey, Meredith strolls around the kitchen, swaying Bailey in the way she used to watch Derek sway him when he was teething what seemed like a lifetime ago now. Almost magically, Bailey's cries are weakened to a soft whimper, one where Meredith is confident that, accompanied by some warm milk, Bailey was ready to talk.
"You want to talk about what's got you so upset?" Meredith asks Bailey as they sit at the kitchen bar stool, Bailey comfortably settled on Meredith's lap leaning back against her chest, and her fingers lightly brushing his hair to keep it from his eyes.
He sniffles some, removing the sippy cup from his mouth. "Scary." Is all he manages to get out, and Meredith frowns. Bailey is four, and although he's certainly shyer than Zola, he doesn't lack in intellect, and certainly has a larger vocabulary base than 'scary'.
"Was it a scary dream?" She pushes gently, determined not to let him go back to bed without finding out what was going on. "It's okay if it was, we all get scary dreams sometimes."
This causes Bailey to look up at her, his pale, teary eyes looking up to meet his mother's. "Do you?"
"I do." Meredith admits. "But the good thing about scary dreams is that when you wake up, you know the dream was only a dream, and nothing in the dream can hurt you."
"What are your bad dreams?" Bailey asks, moving himself around so that he's facing Meredith.
She pauses for a moment, not because she's struggling to think of a scary dream she'd had, but because she's struggling to think of a scary dream she's had that she can describe to her four year old son without mentally scarring him. The bomb: too complicated. The drowning: too suicidal. The plane crash: too terrifying. The c-section: too Bailey related. Derek: too soon.
"I used to have scary dreams that when me and daddy decided to have you that you wouldn't think I was a very good mummy." Meredith tells him honestly, still pushing his hair out of his eyes, and reminding herself that all three kids need a haircut.
Bailey frowns. "But you're the best mummy ever."
Meredith can't help but laugh a little. "And you're the best little man ever, but before we had you, I didn't have you telling me what a good mummy I was. But as soon as we had you, I knew I was going to be okay. Can you tell me what your bad dream was now?" She asks gently.
Bailey fidgets around on his mother's lap some, his eyes retreating to his fiddling hands and tears seeming to well up in his eyes once more. "I dreamed you went away like daddy."
Crash. Meredith was certain she heard her heart break, and she knew for sure the flip of her stomach was not a random occurrence, and for once she had no idea how what to say. Instead, she gathered him into her arms, holding him as closely as possible and probably a little too tight.
"Mummy's not going anywhere." Meredith mumbles into his ear, leaving a kiss just above as she realised she had started rocking slowly backwards and forwards, and became unsure whether this was for Bailey or for her. "Not anywhere but with you and Zo and Ellis."
"But daddy did." Bailey say, pushing himself against Meredith's chest to look her in the eye. "And I miss daddy."
Meredith nods a little at him, trying desperately to stop herself from breaking down in front of him. "What happened to Daddy was an accident, an accident that doesn't happen very often at all, and the doctors couldn't get to him quick enough, and that doesn't happen very often either." Meredith tries to explain in a voice that she hoped didn't sound like it was cracking as much as she felt like it was. "And I miss daddy too, and that's okay, we'll always miss daddy."
Bailey nods listening to Meredith's words, and seeming to understand more this time. "So you not gonna go away?"
"And leave my favourite guy behind?" Meredith smiles a little this time, scrunching up her nose in an attempt to distract Bailey from her glossed eyes. "I don't think I'd be able to cope!"
Finally, he giggles. It was short, and quiet, and nowhere near Bailey's usual giggle that happened when Meredith would surprise him at day-care or Alex would swing him around, but it sounded a hell of a lot better than his cries and whimpers.
"What if I get another bad dream?" Bailey asks suddenly, as if the idea of going back to bed was now dawning on him.
"Then I'll always be just down the hall." Meredith promises. "But how does it sound sleeping with mummy tonight instead?"
Bailey smiles brighter than he had since he woke up, and nods. "Yeah!"
Now it was Meredith's turn to giggle more. "Okay, let's get back to bed, we don't want you to be too tired to play tomorrow right?"
XXXXX
The next morning, Meredith awoke to the feeling of tiny limbs climbing onto the bed, and faint, high pitched giggles getting louder as the movements got closer, and sure enough as she opened her eyes she was met with her two daughters climbing up the bed, and Bailey watching them excitedly.
"Morning mummy!" Zola smiles big, clad in her Little Mermaid pyjamas, as Ellis coos and crawls onto Meredith's lap.
"Good morning." Meredith smiles through a yawn, helping Ellis get comfortable on her then holding her hands to let her stand up, although shakily. "As much as I love being woken up by my babies, can I ask how you got Ellis in here?" She asks, scanning the one year old for injury.
"I woked up and asked Aunty Amy." Bailey explains, sliding under Meredith's arm.
"He did." Zola says, just in case Meredith thought he was lying. "And Aunty Maggie said it was a good idea!"
Meredith chuckles as Ellis giggles and falls onto her bum. "Aunty Maggie was definetley right about that ZoZo. Have you had breakfast yet?" She asks them, it was very rarely the kids came and woke her up, even on days when she wasn't working she rarely had a lie in, so when they did she was sometimes at a loss of where to start.
"No and my belly make noises." Bailey says, pointing at it as it aptly starts to growl loudly, causing everyone to laugh.
"Well we better go fill it up then shouldn't we?" Meredith smiles, leaning forward to tickle his belly as he erupts in giggles.
"Zo help!" Bailey squeals, squirming around when Ellis reaches her hand towards him too copying Meredith, but hadn't grasped the idea of exactly what to do yet with her hand.
"I gots you Bailey!" Zola shouts, launching herself towards Meredith and tickling her side.
"Okay okay" Meredith laughs a few moments later as Ellis starts to get overwhelmed and whimpers slightly. "Let's go downstairs and make pancakes."
"Pancakes!" Zola and Bailey both scream, jumping off the bed and running downstairs before Meredith even had chance move the duvet back.
"Your big brother and sister are crazy huh?" Meredith says to Ellis, who was staring up at her with the eyes she inherited from her Father. She knew her kids were crazy, but the best type of crazy. The type of crazy that makes her thank her lucky stars she had them, and definitely the type of crazy that Derek is looking down on with a smile.