Backwoods
Disclaimer: You know that CBS + Criminal Minds = Not mine
Summary: Who knew it wasn't safe to travel in the backwoods? What happens when two of the BAU's finest get kidnapped, and forced to marry some backwoods people...
A/N: Now I love my this crackfic to death but I wanted to put them together for everyone to enjoy.
Thanks for reading, don't forget to leave a review.
"Once in a while I get inspired and finish my act with a hillbilly hoe down." Loretta Lynn
Emily and JJ, peeked their head out behind a big, giant oak tree. Emily could feel the blonde's eyes fall over to her.
Emitting a sigh she heard JJ say, "I think we found the right one."
"Well I certainly hope so" Emily murmured, "Because the last thing we need is to try and dis-way another set of country folks from pressing charges against us."
JJ rolled her blue eyes, "Please like they'd actually press charges."
Emily turned, her brown eyes staring at the younger woman, "All right, I will admit that the last place we checked, they were a little..."
"Misogynistic" JJ finished, "They only cared about asking us out instead of helping us find the unsub."
Emily shook her head, about to reply when they see the back door to the small cabin open.
"Pa. I want that one" the dark haired, young woman replied, "I want him."
"Sweetie, are you sure?" the older man replied, "He doesn't look very... friendly."
"But he's so cute, Pa." the woman replied, turning to another woman with similar features of her own, "Sandy? What do you think?"
"I guess the older one is kind of cute" Sandy replied, "Pa, can we? Please?"
The father sighed, "All right, go find Billy so he can get the preacher."
The female agents looked from each other to the father, as he dragged two bound men out. Their bound men.
"What did you boys say your names were again?" the father asked the two restrained men in FBI kevlar vests.
Hotch took a deep breath, he gave the older man a look, "I'm Agent Hotchner, FBI. That's Agent Rossi, and if you don't let us go right now, you'll be charged with kidnapping Federal Agents, and you, your daughters and anyone else helping you will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law."
"FBI?" Sandy squealed looking at her sister, "We got us some real life heroes."
The father looked at Hotch, "Agent Hotchner... What's your first names?"
"Aaron and Dave." Hotch replied, "Look I have no idea what you people are all about, all we wanted was information on our unsub..."
"Unsub?" Sandy's sister said, staring at Hotch, "What's an unsub?"
"Unknown Subject" Dave replied twisting at the bindings on his wrists, "Look sweetheart, we're really busy trying to track down a serial killer."
The father waved that off, "I'm sure there are other FBI agents that can take care of that." walking around the two agents he kneeled down, "You boys are now retired. Your only jobs now are to marry my daughters."
To say any four of the agents were shocked would be an understatement, they were floored.
"Excuse me?" Hotch asked finding his voice, "Did you just say marry your daughters?"
Dave's eyes went from the two women in front of them, to the girls' father in shock.
"Yep, you two boys are going to marry my Sandy and Tammy." the father told him, "You, Aaron will marry Tammy and David here will marry Sandy."
Hotch shook his head, while Dave groaned at the thought of another marriage under his belt. His eyes sparked with an idea.
"Sorry but that's just not happening." Dave emphatically told the three kidnappers.
"What?" the father asked while Sandy said, "Why?"
"We're both engaged to be married." Dave smoothly lied, startling Hotch.
The father's face grew suspicious and anger clouding his features, narrowing his eyes, "To who?"
"Emily Prentiss and Jennifer Jareau." Dave blurted out, "We work with them, they should be showing up anytime soon."
"What the hell do we do?" JJ asked Emily, both dunking when they noticed that the two young women were growing angrier by the minute.
"You can't get marry someone else!" Tammy shouted at Hotch, "Tell him Pa, tell him, that he's marrying me."
JJ's jaw dropped at that new piece of information, "Did she just say 'marry'? She thinks she's marrying Hotch?"
"I think so." Emily said, watching the other woman eye Dave with suspicion, "Looks like the other girl is a bridezilla too."
"If you two are really engaged then were are these women?" the father asked, "You say they're on your team?"
Hotch took a deep breath, "We told you, we're on a case. They're out checking on leads for the escaped serial killer we're trying to capture."
"Mm hmm" the father said, "Well, tell you what. Why don't you call up these fiancees of yours on those fancy phones of yours. How about we do that?"
Emily and JJ pulled out their cell phones, placing them on vibrate, hoping not to alert the unstable family.
When Emily felt the vibration of the incoming call, "Yeah?"
"Emily, sweetheart?" Hotch's voice said confidently but with hesitation, while both female agents were surprised at that, "Dave and I need to see you and JJ at the old cabin where you dropped us earlier. You remember?"
"Yeah, Hotch." Emily said wincing when the blonde stomped on her foot and mouthed 'Aaron', "We'll be right there."
Hanging up, the two women maneuvered themselves backwards towards the edge of the dirt road.
While JJ got on the ear piece alerting Morgan, Reid and the local Leos, Emily tried to calm her nerves.
She'd never admit it, but she was downright scared for Hotch and Dave, and these women... well if they even thought of getting their hands on them, there would be no safe place for them when Emily got through with them.
"JJ, just remember one thing" Emily told her as the two women slipped into the SUV, "Watch what you say around these guys, ok?"
"I know, one slip up and we're all done for." JJ said as the SUV and moving towards the cabin.
As the father approached the vehicles the two women tensed when they noticed that he was carrying a shotgun with him.
"Crap" Emily muttered, they were not expecting that, this was going to make things difficult.
"Are you Emily and Jennifer?" the man demanded, eyeing the two petite women, "These girls don't have any meat on there bones."
"Well I happen to think we look fabulous," Emily commented dryly as they got out of the car, "I'm Agent Prentiss, this is Agent Jareau, FBI."
"Huh" Sandy snorted eyeing the two women.
"Where are Agents Hotchner and Rossi?" JJ asked, "And I do hope you have a permit for that weapon."
"Ladies, there seems to be a problem here" the man commented passing his gun permit to Emily who rolled her eyes at the name Donald T. Washborn, "My girls want to marry those two fellas."
"Fellas?" Emily mouthed back.
"And they claim that..." Donald started, looking from Hotch and Dave to the two female agents.
"Yeah they're engaged to us" JJ quickly replied, watching as a younger man pulled the very annoyed male BAU agents out, "That ones mine." JJ pointed to Dave.
"Yeah and tall, dark and brooding is mine" Emily replied with a smirk as Hotch gave her a glare, "How's life in the big woods?"
"Charming" Hotch muttered, looking over at Donald, "As charming and hospitable as this has been, we really need to drive our fiancees back to work."
"Yeah, serial killers aren't just going to turn themselves in" Dave added with a chuckle, "Come on, Blondie."
As the four agents turned to leave, they hear two loud protest.
"Hold on" Tammy called out, looking at her father, "How do we know they're telling the truth, Pa? They could be lying."
"So close" JJ muttered "Who'd lie about getting married?"
"We're wiling to fight for them" Sandy added, "I could knock the blonde bean pole down in a second."
"Hmph" JJ said with a raised eyebrow, looking over as Emily pulled her vest off, "What are you doing?"
"If fighting is the way out of this, I've got this down then." Emily tossed her vest by Hotch's feet, "You owe me big time."
"Down here on the Washborn land, we have two ways of settling things" Donald replied, "Fighting..."
"What's the other option?" JJ asked, wondering if she could fight two feisty women for Dave and Hotch and survive this in one piece.
"You two ladies prove your commitment to your men and marry them now" Donald told them, watching as his own daughters started to protest, "Well?"
Emily quickly scanned their small group, neither option was viable, but she said, "What kind of fighting? Hand to hand, wrestling?"
"Shoot out" the sisters called out which made the four agents pale.
Dave looked over at their female agents, "Well ladies, looks like today is your wedding day."
"Well that's just great" JJ muttered, looking over at Emily, "So what do you want to do? I personally vote for..."
"We'll do the wedding" Hotch commented, earning three other open mouth gapes from his team, "Go get the minister."
The two non-bride-to-be's stormed off while Donald moved the four agents over to his porch, and turned his attention to his angry daughters.
Emily whirled around and hissed, "Excuse me? I could have taken the shooting."
"Jeez, I didn't think being married to me would be that bad" Hotch grumbled.
Rolling her eyes, "Well do you have a plan to get out of this? Because I don't plan on marrying my boss on the Clampett farm."
"I don't think we've got much of a choice" Dave murmured, watching the way that Donald was eyeing the four agents.
"Don't say that" JJ hissed, "There's always a choice, and I choose not to get married."
A young man and an older Reverend wandered over to the porch, "Where are the bride and groom?"
"Brides and grooms" Donald informed the other man, "These two ladies and men, they want to get married."
"Is that so?" the Reverend asked, looking over at Emily and JJ.
"This isn't looking so good" JJ told her friends, "I don't think there's anyway out of this."
"Always the optimist." Emily muttered as Donald ushered them forward.
Standing Emily next to Hotch, and JJ next to her while Dave stood beside JJ, he turned around to the Reverend and nodded "We're ready."
"As long as no one knows, we're all good" Hotch murmured.
"And besides it's not like it's the biggest problem in the world." Dave said softly.
"Oh I think Will might have a problem with that" JJ hissed, "And I'm pretty Emily's cop boyfriend will too."
Emily rolled her eyes, "Don't worry, Hotch I won't let Daniel kill you."
"Don't worry about it" Hotch muttered, "It's not like this is even legal, we didn't sign any wedding licenses..."
"Oh well thank God for small miracles" JJ asked leaning over, looking around, "Just don't ever tell Will."
"Dearly beloved..." the Reverend started out, "We are gathered here today..."
"I object" Tammy said, glaring at Emily, while Sandy looked close to seconding the objection.
"Sit down" Donald told his daughters, "Go on."
"To join" the Reverend said looking at the two brides.
"Emily and Aaron" Donald contributed, "and Jennifer and David."
"In holy matrimony" the Reverend continued, "Marriage is a sacred act, not to be entered into lightly, but of free will and choice."
Emily looked over at Hotch, "As soon as we get back to the BAU, we'll get have a long talk why this never happened, and have a good laugh over a couple of drinks."
"Mm hmm" Hotch agreed.
"Do you mind explaining this to Will?" JJ whispered to Dave "Because I'm not even sure if I believe this."
"Can't make promises." Dave whispered.
A SUV car screeching up loudly into the dirt driveway, causing everyone to look at them.
"Stop!" Reid shouted, "I object to this wedding."
"Who the hell are you?" Donald asked roaring around looking at the younger man.
"I work with these people and I think our boss would have a big objection to this wedding, not to mention two very pissed off people." Reid answered, watching a shadowy figure pull upside of the cabin.
"Make it six" Emily muttered, looking at the team.
"And what are these objections?" Donald asked, turning back to the wedding party, Morgan sneaked up behind him.
Morgan tackled the man, "That you kidnapped them and forced them at gun point to get married."
The Reverend pulled back away from the fight with Donald's screaming daughters.
"Hey, they said they were engaged to these ladies." Donald protested.
"I knew they weren't" Tammy screamed, rushing forward towards the brunette only to meet the brunt end of a fist.
"Damn that hurt" JJ said, shaking her fist "That always looks cooler in the movies."
Emily flashed JJ a smirk, "And tell me that you didn't enjoy that?"
"Yes, she did" Dave commented, as he and Hotch helped Morgan passed the handcuffed Donald away to an approaching Sheriff, while Reid handcuffed Billy, and passed him along too.
"Looks like we made it in time to stop the wedding" Reid commented.
"Good thing to," Morgan said smugly, "Not sure how Garcia would react knowing the four of you got married and she didn't have photographic evidence."
"Not like it would even be legal" Emily said looking over at Hotch who nodded.
"Actually in the great state of..." Reid saw the four look at him, "It's legal, even without signing a marriage license it's very much legal."
Morgan turned around, "Not like you all have anything to worry about" looking at his watch, "We better head back to the station and check on leads. Come on, kid, lets leave the newlyweds alone."
Morgan chuckled as he and Reid walked back towards their black SUV.
"Uh, Hotch?" Emily muttered looking over at him.
Shrugging as he headed for the second SUV, "I don't have a problem with it..."
"I do" JJ hissed rubbing her forehead at the words, "How the hell am I going to explain this to Will?"
Emily frowned, but smiled, "Ask your husband."
Both JJ and Dave narrowed their eyes at that comment as they slid into the backseat of the SUV while Emily climbed in the passenger side.
"What are you smiling at, Em?" JJ hissed out, "Thinking about your honeymoon? Huh? Or how about the fact that your husband will probably ease up on the paper work for you?"
Emily rolled her eyes, as she glared at her blonde partner, "Yeah well, Dave's Italian and a great cook. I bet he even has a maid so you'll never have to pick up Henry's toys again."
Dave looked over at Hotch in the rear view mirror, "Why do I get the feeling they're not boasting about our great qualities? Ladies don't worry there is a thing called an annulment, you know."
"And no one will ever have to know" Emily added, sighing in relief, "See? Will won't ever find out, and my Mother can be spared the indignity finding out her daughter was forced at gunpoint to marry her boss."
"That thought alone would kill her" JJ agreed.
"Say yeah..." Emily grinned looking over at Hotch, "How would you feel about popping over to D.C. before heading to divorce court?"
"No" Hotch said staring at the road, "I don't know about the Rossis' in the backseat but I'm not getting an annulment."
Emily rolled her eyes, "Fine, then we'll get a divorce."
"Nope, I'm staying married" Hotch said not watching as three mouths simultaneously dropped in shock, "Got a good looking wife, didn't have to pay for a wedding, hell what more can a guy ask for?"
"What about Beth? Or that cop Emily's seeing?" JJ asked looking over at the unfazed Hotch.
"Beth won't care, we broke up" Hotch explained looking over at the stunned Emily, "And I'll explain things to Daniel."
Rolling his eyes Dave muttered, "Yeah he'll like that."
"What do you think?" Hotch asked, holding hope in his heart.
Emily bit her lip, "Best offer I had all day, plus it'd freak my mother out."
Smirking at that, he said, "So?"
"Sure, why not?" Emily nodded, "But we've never even gone out on a date."
"You can take one on the way to Nevada" JJ said, "We need a quick annulment, like asap."
"Yes, Mrs. Rossi" Emily teased.
"So..." JJ said popping her head in between the newlyweds, "If it's a girl you can name her Beth, and a boy Daniel?"
Both dark haired agents glared at their blonde friend, "Unless you want to miss your window of opportunity for getting an annulment by walking, I suggest you don't repeat those names, Mrs. Rossi."
"Wow, sorry" JJ muttered sitting back next to Dave, "Who'd of thought it, huh?"
"Don't look at me, I'm on my way to ex wife number four" Dave muttered pulling out his cell phone, looking up information, "Spare us the trip across the county Aaron there's a spot in North Carolina regarding annulments for non-consummating spouses."
Looking over at his new bride, "So first road trip as man and wife? How about once we get there we make sure this is legal?"
"That depends, are we getting wedding photos?" Emily grinned, "Because Garcia and the others will demand to see proof."
"And because she wants to rub it in her mother's face." JJ pipped in.
Hotch grinned, "Sure."
Both dark haired agents couldn't wait for the beginning of the odd new arraignment, with the promise of brighter future awaiting them together.
"This country has far more problems than it deserves and far more solutions then it applies." Ralph Nader
To Be Continued...
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