Liara groaned in annoyance as she glanced at the small numbers in the lower right corner of her computer screen. It was just past midnight.
Suddenly feeling overwhelmingly exhausted, she buried her face in her hands, trying to rest her eyes for a minute. Normally, she tries not to be too hard on herself; she found the practice counterproductive in most cases, but writing a mail to one of the more influential Matriarchs had taken her too long. It's not that she didn't know what to say, she had a lot on her mind, but finding a polite, diplomatic way of doing so was the hard part. There were too many words in her mind that rushed back and forth, and Liara had a hard time catching them down in a coherent diplomatic sentence. A particular set of words could make this Matriarch believe her more then the rest did. Every word was weighted carefully, and Liara couldn't afford even one small indication of anger and frustration.
Emotions became a luxury during the war. The less you feel, the better.
She looked back at the screen but was only irritated by the blinking cursor that only reminded her of her inability to write anything for the past two hours, so she almost turned off the computer and went to bed. To snuggle in the warm covers and read a book, to put away her worries just for the night and get lost in a whichever fantasy world she dared to explore.
But she can't do that. She took a sip of her tea in hope that it will ward some of her tiredness away, but instead, she grimaced as the liquid slide down her throat. It was cold. And there are a very few things in this galaxy worse than a cold tea.
With an annoyed groan, she pushed herself from the desk and walked out of her room ignoring the drone's updates. She will deal with them after she gets her tea. As the door opened she stopped as she heard noise coming from the mess hall. Who could be up so late? It was probably James, it was not once that Liara found him preparing his late-night protein meals.
With a careful step she turned around the corner and it was not a tall, muscular man that Liara saw, but a black-haired woman frantically scavenging through the contents of the cupboard. Liara stopped midway and silently observed the ships' captain.
But Shepard must have heard her because she snapped her head in surprise but relaxed instantly as she recognized the figure standing in the poorly lighted space just by the former office of the second in the command.
"Liara," she whispered. "Did I wake you?"
Liara shook her head and took a hesitant step forward. She was unsure whether Shepard wanted her company or not.
"No, I was writing some emails for the Matriarchy. I forgot about my tea and it went cold," Liara said as she held her cup closer. "Not really good now."
"Yeah. I know how you feel. I was in the middle of some reports when I ran out of coffee. Can't really work without it. I want to make some but I can't remember where I put the jar. Maybe you saw it? It's yellow with coffee beans on front. You know," Shepard explained and started moving back and forth various boxes and containers hoping that her coffee will appear.
"That brand is, believe it or not, pretty cheap. But it's actually good," she raised her finger and half turned to Liara as she explained. "I got it in that store on the Presidium. And its better than the one that costs twenty-five credits! Can you believe that?"
Liara wasn't really interested in various brands of coffee Shepard found acceptable, not at this time of night at least. But she didn't interrupt Shepard's ramblings. She knew Shepard long enough to know that something is bothering her and it's not the lack of caffeine. Liara noticed that when Shepard is under stress, she is either silent or vomiting words like she did now. Curiously, Shepard rarely yelled. She could make her point across well enough with a good glare.
Liara listened to her as much as she could, but at one point, her attention shift to Shepard's mid-area where she put her arms on her hips as she stared in the depths of the cupboards. Maybe it was lack of sleep finally getting to her, as Liara doesn't allow herself to look at Shepard in that way, but how could she stop herself from enjoying the view? How the uniform perfectly outlines her abdomen. And the way the rolled up sleeves show the slightly pronounced vein on her forearm, while at the same time hiding the more developed muscles just above the elbow, leaving something to the imagination. How would it feel, to let her hand travel against Shepard's arm, tracing her collarbone with just her fingertips, then gently slide them down her abdomen? Would Shepard tremble in anticipation or would she shy away from her touch?
"And this fucking humming is slowly getting on my nerves. Not to ment-," Shepard gave her an odd look. "Are you alright? You look blue... ish."
Liara blushed even more, so she tried to avert Shepard's attention.
"You said something about humming?" She asked, clearing her throat, praying Shepard will stop looking at her.
Shepard studied her for a moment longer, as if she was deciding should she say something. But, luckily for Liara, she just quirked her eyebrows and turned back to the cupboard, her arms now folded across her chest.
"Yeah. I have this...," she waved her hand in the air as she was trying to find the right word. "I don't know how to explain it. Like a low-pitched ringing. I think it's more in my right ear, but sometimes it feels likes it just inside my head. I think that bullet that grazed my helmet the other day damaged the ear somehow."
"Shepard, you should tell this to Doctor Chakwas," Liara said, worryingly.
"I did," Shepard said perhaps too quickly. "She said it will go away and gave me some kind of drops. And I'm under strict orders to not visit any bars with loud music."
Liara didn't really believe her, but she nodded nonetheless.
"Well, looks like no coffee for me tonight," Shepard said with a sigh and closed the cupboard.
"Wait here," Liara said as an idea popped into her head. She hurried back to her room and opened the nightstand, inspecting the various tea brands neatly arranged in colorful boxes. Her finger traced the boxes, thinking which one could help. She finally decided for the one which is said that, if you steep it for a few minutes it helps one bring to a place of contentment and balance. It is quite popular among the priestess in the eastern part of Thessia. Liara heard the stories how the priestess can achieve a state of perfect inner balance, and even hear the singing voice of the Goddess herself. Liara wasn't sure how much she believed the musical part of the story but she knows by her own experience that it helps her meditate. The downside of it is that the taste is pretty sour but with a little bit of sugar, Shepard may like it. She hurried back, finding Shepard leaned on the counter seemingly lost in thought, but she acknowledged Liara as soon as she came close enough.
"What's that for?" Shepard asked as Liara poured hot water in another cup.
"That's for you," she simply answered, not lifting her head as she prepared their tea.
"I don't drink tea. Besides I need to stay awake. I seriously doubt that tea will help."
Liara ignored Shepard's complaining and put the lid over the cups.
"Now we have to wait. For a few minutes at least."
Shepard chuckled so sweetly, Liara could feel shivers run up her spine.
"Why? Have to wait for the magic to happen?" Shepard teased as she leaned across the counter.
Liara blushed a little before picking up the cups, distracting herself from intensive gaze Shepard gave her.
"Follow me, Commander."
Liara headed towards the observation deck with Shepard following close behind.
"How can I be sure you are not planning to drug me?"
The doors snapped open and Liara glanced over her shoulder with a slight shrug.
"Looks like you will have to trust me."
"Hmph."
They sat down and Liara, after putting her cup down, gave Shepard hers. In the exchange, their fingers brushed slightly against each other and Liara's voice trembled a bit.
"Maybe I should drug you," she said, trying to control her voice. "That way you might finally get some sleep."
For quite some time now, Shepard barely slept. Even when her duties allowed for some extra free time, Shepard used it to find a way to fight the Reapers. Or sometimes, she would sit in that small space just below the engineering on a small cot she brought down from the storage and stared at her datapad. Reading the news, listening to the stories of ordinary civilians, the ones Alliance didn't inform her about. Liara wasn't even aware Shepard did that until EDI one day asked her about that particular human behavior. She was curious if putting more pressure on yourself during stressful times helped.
Liara didn't have an answer for that but instead, she walked to the small dark space. She found Shepard sitting on the floor, her fingers buried in her hair, looking at several datapads glowing in front of her.
Another colony wiped out.
Another ship transporting refugees destroyed.
Another platoon turned into husks.
Liara didn't dare to step in. With a pang in her chest, she turned away. At that moment she didn't know how to comfort her friend. At least she tells herself that as she ignores the fear she felt upon seeing the last hope for the galaxy in that state.
"I'll sleep when I'm dead."
As Shepard said that, she took a big gulp of tea. Making a face, she put the cup on the small coffee table, clearly with no intention of picking it up again.
Liara's chest clutched and she barely swallowed the rock forming in her throat. How could she say things like that? Wasn't she aware what she means to the people? To her?
"You know," Liara started carefully, "being awake for a hundred years can really take a toll on your health. Not to mention your physical appearance!"
It was a stupid joke, but it made Shepard chuckle. And that was good enough for Liara.
"Yeah. Maybe you are right."
Shepard offered a small smile and Liara had to wonder how much energy Shepard had to put into it.
"You know what's funny? It's not the Reapers that keep me up at night. It this political bickering between the members of our most esteemed Council. Reapers are just machines doing their thing, not unlike us if you think about it. But the Council? They are only willing to do something when it suits their interest. They don't care about ordinary people. I'm tired of it all. Its hard to kill a reaper but uniting a galaxy? Good fucking luck Shepard," she scoffed.
"The people might not have politicians, but they have something far better. They have hope. And it's because of you."
"You put too much faith into me, Liara," Shepard leaned forward, her hands clasped tightly together. "I'm not even sure if it's possible to win this."
"If anyone can do it, it's you," Liara offered, desperately trying to make Shepard feel better.
Shepard turned to look at her and this time her smile was more genuine.
"Sometimes I wonder... how did I manage to deal with the Collectors without your support."
"You always had it, Shepard. I'm only sorry I didn't express it more often. Or more clearly."
Distancing herself from Shepard seemed like a good idea at the time. Especially after Shepard's outburst in her office as Liara admitted she gave her body to Cerberus. Shepard felt betrayed, and rightfully so. Liara thought that, by acting cold, she would give an impression that she was not bothered by her actions one bit. And by doing so, help Shepard cope with everything that was going on. Liara could only imagine how detached Shepard must feel. From her body, her past, and herself as a person.
But it was a big fat lie. Guilt came in great waves everytime Shepard struggled. It became easier with time, but it never disappeared. Liara was fairly certain it never will. Things she did was necessary, even if they were a complete opposite of what she believed in. Or used to. Before the war, before everything. She will never be the same. No one will. This war has tainted them all.
"I know, it's just," Shepard turned away and took a deep sigh. "If you were here, on the Normandy, it would be easier."
Just as Liara wanted to apologize again for her neglect Shepard clarified, "It would be easier for me. Knowing you had my back."
"I'm sure that Garrus and Tali and-"
"They did but I didn't need you on the field. But someone to talk to. I mean, both Tali and Garrus were there. And Joker and Chakwas but somehow... It didn't feel right."
When Shepard noticed the sudden change in Liara's expression, she immediately started apologizing.
"Oh! Sorry, Liara I didn't mean to make you feel guilty, I was just trying to say-"
"No...," Liara gently took her hand. "You mean a lot to me, Shepard."
Liara dared to touch Shepard's cheek in an effort to comfort her. But Shepard flinched away from the touch. Liara quickly withdrew her hand, trying to erase what she planned to do.
She reminded herself that Shepard wasn't an affectionate type. Especially when the target of that affection was the part Liara suspect bothered her the most, the rough glowing lines of scars scattered around her cheek with a small, more finer line above her eyebrow. Liara never read the medical documentation Miranda sent her. Partly because she didn't have time. Mostly, she wasn't sure she wanted to know.
But there were instances where Shepard did show affection, like the time she tried to comfort her when her mother was killed. The words she used still make her feel warm; smart, kind. Beautiful.
Liara only whished Shepard didn't say those things just to make her feel better. She wished Shepard really meant them.
And then when they finally defeated the Shadow Broker, Liara was on verge of a total breakdown; unable to handle all the emotions threatening to burst out after years of being locked. But Shepard reached out, and Liara allowed herself to relax against Shepard's hard armor, drowning in sweet reassuring words Shepard whispered to her.
Then Liara remembered what she will never have, and cried even harder but Shepard held her closer. Liara felt as if she was deceiving Shepard at that moment because Shepard didn't know the right reasons for her tears. But she couldn't help herself. She couldn't separate herself from her touch, from that one strand of Shepard's hair that stuck to her wet cheek, slightly tickling her.
And now, Liara wanted to do the same thing to Shepard; to put her arms around her, to hold her tightly until she feels better. To be her anchor, just this once.
Shepard cleared her throat and stood up. She walked to the poker table where the cards were scattered all over the place.
"Do you play?" She asked while picking up the cards. For a moment, Liara thought that she saw Shepard's hands tremble slightly, but it must be a trick of the light.
"Not really. The crew tried to teach me but I'm not really good."
"You just need some practice."
"Well, James did say I have a good poker face. Whatever that means."
"Hm," Shepard muttered absently. "I wouldn't trust James if I were you."
Shepard finally turned around with a full deck in her hands. She split the deck in half, bending the cards upwards until she finally let them fall down, successfully shuffling them.
"How did you do that?"
Liara felt like she was witnessing a magic trick. Shepard took the opportunity to sit next to her and show off again, but this time with just one hand.
Liara scoffed, as she playfully hit her on the arm. "Oh, now you are just showing off!"
"Look," Shepard gave her the cards and then gently holding her hands on top of Liara's, guiding her. Liara tried to focus but Shepard's gentle hands were too distracting.
"You split them in half, make a bridge and then just let them fall back in place."
Liara struggled even with the bending part and when she did try to let them fall, the cards splatter all around the floor.
"You are beyond help T'Soni."
"Oh really?" Liara, with a flick of her fingers, blue light emitting from them, neatly arrange the cards in the air and then landed the deck on the table in front of them.
"Now, who's showing off?" Shepard said as she leaned against the couch arm, amusement written on her face.
Liara gave a smug smile, "We all have our talents." She reached for her tea and took a sip before asking, "Where did you learn to shuffle cards like that?"
Liara's question started an hour-long conversation where Shepard talked about her poker adventures but the story soon transit to things she did when she was younger, and by her own words more naive. Liara couldn't help but notice how Shepard focused only on good memories, leaving the bad parts out. And Liara only talked when she felt it was necessary to nudge the conversation further, but for the most part, she stayed silent, enjoying Shepard's stories, letting her talk about whatever she wanted. Liara couldn't remember when was the last time Shepard looked so relaxed. A smile on her face must be one of the most beautiful things Liara ever witnessed. But, in some way, Liara felt lonelier with each passing minute. She painfully ignored the feeling.
"When all this is... over," Shepard said, slightly hesitating. "You should go and teach somewhere. At some nice university. Leave all that Shadow Broker shit behind."
"Shepard, with all that information... we could do good things."
Shepard gave her a small smile as she shook her head.
"Nothing good will ever come of it, Liara. Don't make me came after you with some shy scientist as a sidekick!"
"So what do you suggest I do?" she asked, half afraid of the answer.
"As I said, destroy the data, and be a teacher or something. Maybe I will come for some lessons."
"Private ones?" Liara heard herself saying.
Shepard leaned just a bit closer and said in a low voice that stirred the butterflies in Liara stomach, "Yeah, I might. And how would the grading go? Based on performance?"
Liara could feel her cheeks burning as if she was having a fever, her heart beating so fast it might explode. Her mouth was open, ever so slightly but no words came from them; she was completely lost at what she should say or how should she react. And Shepard's eyes, those loving bright blue eyes that pierced right through her didn't help either. Why of all the aliens in the galaxy, she had to fall in love with the one with irresistible eyes and perfect smile?
"Calm down Liara. I'm only teasing you."
Of course. Like she jokes with James all the time. And even Kaidan on rare occasion. Liara didn't know how was possible to feel so relieved and disappointed at the same time.
Neither said anything for a minute and Liara took the opportunity to pull herself together, after Shepard's teasing. She glanced at Shepard and noticed she looked content. But the dark circles under her eyes told a different story. A story of many sleepless or restless nights. Liara couldn't even imagine what kind of subconscious beasts Shepard has to fight in the silence of the night. Shepard turned her head just as Liara was debating whether should she ask Shepard how is she really feeling.
"Is everything alright Liara?" she softly asked. "I'm sorry if I offended you."
Liara swallowed hard, before saying, "I should be asking you that."
"What? Why?" there was suspicion in Shepards tone and Liara felt tired again. She looked at her cup, gazing into the untouched dark liquid. The weight of Shepard's gaze was too difficult to hold, forcing her to finally admit what was on her mind.
"I'm worried about you Shepard," Liara let out a sigh, before continuing. "And yes, I'm aware you can take care of yourself-"
"Liara," Shepard interrupted. "I appreciate your concern, I really do, but I'm fine."
The famous Shepards stubbornness made the next words sound angrier than Liara intended them to be.
"Are you? Shepard, you are holding the entire galaxy on your shoulders and-"
Liara shook her head, dismissing the rest of the sentence. What's the point? They already argued about this. And every time they did it ended with Shepard stubbornly denying it all. If Shepard won't share the burden, then Liara can do nothing about it. And doing nothing is one of the most difficult things to do. But this time, to her surprise, Shepard didn't deny anything or change the subject as she usually did.
"Yeah well," Shepard said, "I actually have a secret how I'm dealing with it."
She leaned closer so that Liara could feel her warm breath causing shivers down her spine, as she whispered, "I'm not alone. I have you by my side."
It took every ounce of self-control for Liara not to crush into Shepard, to hug her, to assure her that she will always be at her side, no matter what. Courageous words threatened to escape, but couldn't pass through her tightened throat. She was pulled from her frozen state as Shepard gently grasped her shoulder, her fingers just barely making contact with her back.
"Are you ok?" Shepard asked again, and Liara had no doubt that she suspected something. But what exactly, was hard to tell.
Liara managed to smile a little before turning away. It was a fake smile, a diversion, but she couldn't find the strength in her to show her true emotions.
"I'm fine. Thank you, Shepard. Just tired a bit."
"It is late," Shepard agreed. "Maybe we should call it a night."
Liara would want nothing more than to stay with Shepard, but it would be selfish of her to ask her to stay. It is late and Shepard needs every hour of rest she could get.
"Yes, we have a lot to do tomorrow."
Standing up, they walked towards the door but watched in confusion as the door didn't open.
"Weird," Shepard commented. "I don't remember locking the door. EDI can you open them?"
"Yes, Commander."
Leaving the mystery of locked doors for another time to solve, they headed towards Liara room. Liara was surprised that Shepard walked her to the door. It felt like a date, and Liara was thankful it was half dark. She could easier hide her blush in the shadows.
As they reach the door of Liara's office, neither of them didn't know what to do or say next. Shepard probably realized she instinctively followed Liara, without thinking how would it look like. Should she just wish her goodnight and walk away, or should she say something? Liara, on another hand, was having an internal battle with herself; one part of her wanted to lean in and give Shepard a quick kiss on the cheek as friends do, the other part of her wanted to slap herself before she embarrasses them both. She was well aware that no amount of pretending or rationalizing will remove the real intention behind the kiss. No matter how short or innocent it would look.
Liara could relax because Shepard was first to succumb to the awkwardness.
"Thank you, Liara," she whispered.
"For what?"
"For you... being you. For being a friend," Shepard cleared her throat. "I should go. See you in the morning."
And with that she hurriedly walked away, not giving Liara a chance to voice her own feelings. She had to satisfy with wishing goodnight to the half-dark corridor.
Later, as Liara lie in her bed, watching the stars pass by, she thought about Shepard and their relationship. Despite having doubts whether she was or could ever be a good friend to her; thinking of Shepard made her happy and there was no place in her thoughts for politics, war or the mail she had to write. After spending some time with Shepard, it seemed all so trivial.
Peacefully, she fell asleep and dreamt of a better, bright future. In that dream, Shepard was with her, and Liara got a chance to say all the things she didn't dare in the waking world. And Shepard didn't run away as she spoke them, but instead, held her even closer.