Speechless
It was a harmless joke at my expense; under any other circumstances, I would have laughed. But it may very well be the last thing she'll ever say to me.
My cheek burns where she kissed me. I was too stunned to return it – knowing she was leaving, it felt like a knife to the heart. I tried to find the words to beg her to stay, to tell her how it's tearing me apart to know I may never see her again, or even just to tell her how much I'll miss her… but no words would come. She responded with "That's a first," and turned her back to me.
That was it. God, as brilliant as she is, Jadzia can be completely clueless sometimes. Well, fine, I know I should be one to talk about cluelessness – I've had more than my share of equally airheaded moments – but I would think that Dax, having lived four lifetimes as men, should have been able to keep her from shattering my heart into a million pieces. What is she trying to do, kill me? She knows how I feel about her – she's been stringing me along, getting my hopes up and then dashing them to smithereens, since the moment I met her. I am helplessly in her power, and… good God, she's toying with me.
Is that really what she's doing? Does she really think that little of me? She never struck me as that kind of woman – I would never have fallen in love with her if she did. So, no, that can't be it.
What was she doing, then? She kissed me, then made fun of me, and then left… like she'd treat a… a younger brother. You know, that's even worse. She knows how I feel about her; why couldn't she tell me to my face how she thought of me?
How, or if. Evidently, she wasn't thinking about me at all. I'm not surprised, actually. She's so stuck on what's-his-name, I'm surprised she even said goodbye. Or what passed as a goodbye, anyway.
How can she be so selfish? Not only is she perhaps the single most valuable member of Deep Space Nine's crew, she's leaving behind so many people who care deeply about her – me, Commander Sisko, Major Kira, even Quark in his own little way – to live with a man she's known for less than two weeks. As if the past two years (or in Commander Sisko's case, two lifetimes) have meant nothing!
I'm fully aware that I sound like the selfish one here, but I can't help but think that Jadzia is rushing into this. I know firsthand how badly one can get hurt when that happens. And… I want her to give me a chance. She formed her opinion of me before our shuttle even arrived at the station, and it hasn't changed since then – but I have.
But now it's too late. As I stand here staring at the transporter pad, I don't know what to feel – happy because she's happy, angry because she threw away her whole like for a whirlwind romance, or utterly devastated because she's gone. Everything seems to cancel out, leaving me… empty. Jadzia ripped my heart out with that kiss, and took it with her to Meridian.