(Text appears on the screen, as it scrolls down, it is read out loud.)
Narrator: Dearest Viewer, for those of you who loved Lord of the Rings, you will hate this movie. For those of you who thought no other movie could be made that would be better than Lord of the Rings, you will hate this movie (We mean no insult to the following: Lord of the Rings fans). Not only will you find it insulting, but you will also find it silly, stupid, and (if you catch yourself thinking so) funny. This movie totally makes fun of almost everything about Lord of the Rings or has been changed for our amusement. We found making this movie much more enjoyable than picking our noses and standing on our heads (We mean no insult to the following: nose pickers and head standers).
Upon making this movie, we have noticed that we have made fun of things that are considered as offensive to others. We would therefore like to apologize to the following and ensure that no insults are bearing upon them. *Phone solicitors *Peter Jackson *Kristina Faricy *Rachel Boltz *Jessica Taylor *James Bartholomew *Megan Mahoney *Mumsy *Jennifer Walker *Kenneth, Andrew, and Noel Horton *Brittany Severance *Tom Selleck *Walgreens *Michael Boehm *Ashley Filbrant
*David Bowie *Old lady who lives down the road who has
been so nice as to let
us use her yard as a very constructive sight for
many battle scenes
on account of all the leaves. *Old lady's yard (We would therefore like to state that the old lady has a very nice yard and we mean no disrespect). *Lawyers *Senior Citizens *Sears' Employees *Severely obese
individuals
We thank you for your understanding and let it be known that the above are entitled to a full-fledged apology (Except Bob Saggot and Elizabeth Horton, because they are both foolish people who do not deserve an apology because everything about them is true). So please, don't sue. (A brief pause) By the way, if you have taken anything that has been said seriously, we would like to give you our deepest sympathy because you are a retard. We suggest you either obtain a helmet or bang yourself over the head many times to rid us of your stupidity. Enjoy the movie.
Narrator: (In a distant, very serious voice) The world is changed. I feel it in the water, I hear it in the Earth, I smell it in the air. Much that once was, is now lost-for none now live who remember it.
(As we see the title of the movie, we hear Annoying Movie Goer speak)
Annoying Movie Goer: Well that just gives it all away!
Other Audience Member: Shh!
Annoying Movie Goer: Don't "shush" me, you ninny!
Prologue Narrator: It began with the making of the Great Movies.
(We see the DVD's: Willow, The Tenth Kingdom, and Labyrinth. They are upon a wooden table-you could call it Elvish)
Narrator: Three fantasy movies were given to the Elves, who would understand them better.
(Elf#1 picks up Labyrinth; Elf#2 picks up Willow; Elf#3 picks up The Tenth Kingdom. The Elves study their movies for a while, each one looking at their procession with great awe and pride. Then, they start arguing)
Elf#1: (Scowling and frowning at Elf#2) No way! Prince Jared is way more powerful than Willow ever was!
Elf#2: (Eyeing Elf#1 with severe dislike) That's bull, and you know it!
Elf#3: (Looking at their movie, looking very upset and tired) Why did I pick The Tenth Kingdom? It-doesn't-end!
(We now see a stone table, containing seven Disney movies. One of them is Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, but the other six can be anything)
Narrator: Seven Disney movies were given to the Dwarf-Lords-who had an exquisite imagination.
(Dwarf#3 picks up Snow White, while the other six dwarves pick up the other movies. Each Dwarf is studying their prize with honor; the way Dwarves are, of course. But Dwarf#3 is studying his movie with great curiosity)
Dwarf#3: (Motions over to Dwarf#2) Hey, dude! This dwarf on Snow White and the Seven Dwarves kinda looks like you!
(Dwarf#2 looks at the movie in the hands of Dwarf#3 with a bit of a smile on his face. But his smile turns into a frown and eventually into a scowl as he studies the movie further. Infuriated, Dwarf#2 begins to slap Dwarf#3 in the face)
Dwarf#3: (Screaming in pain, dropping the movie, and covering his face to escape the blows he is receiving) Ouch! It was a compliment! Ouch!
(We now see the Nine Kings of Men. Each of them holds an action movie in their hands and is wearing a look of malice and power upon their faces)
Narrator: And nine action movies were gifted to the race of Men-who, above all else, desire power.
(Then, we see the Nine Kings of Men standing in an entertainment room, with beer mugs in their hands and watching an action movie, cheering as something explodes on screen)
Narrator: (In a careless tone) And fiery crash scenes, slapstick comedy, and blonde girls in tube-tops
(King of Man#1 shouts happily, spilling beer upon the floor. King of Man#2 ducks as King of Man#5 takes off his cloak and waves it around drunkenly, shouting with pride as he does so. King of Man#6 dashes into the room wearing a toga and shouting triumphantly. Next, we see a map of middle earth as the Narrator speaks)
Narrator: For within these movies was the power to govern each race in Middle Earth-but they were all of them deceived-
(We now see a recording studio, where the Narrator is sitting on a stool with the script in her hands to aid her as she reads the story into the microphone, but she stops as she sees that they have stopped recording. Annoying Studio Guy enters the room and walks up to the Narrator)
Narrator: (A bit angry at the moment) What'd you stop it for? I was on a roll!
Annoying Studio Guy: (Waving his hand, indicating he didn't mean anything) I'm sorry, miss-you're doin' great-but I kind of found something that really troubled me with what you said.
Narrator: (Raises an eyebrow quizzically) Uh, okay. What?
Annoying Studio Guy: Well, uh-(Looks at clipboard for support, then back at Narrator) I was just sittin' there, mindin' my own business, when I kind of heard you say, "But they were all of them deceived".
Narrator: (Scowls) So?
Annoying Studio Guy: Well, I don't think that sounds right-grammatically.
Narrator: (Blinks at Annoying Studio Guy, as if expecting more. When nothing else is said, she frowns) What do you mean by that, exactly?
Annoying Studio Guy: (Rubs his neck nervously) I mean, we know you're talking about them, but do you have to say it again?
Narrator: (Shaking her head in curiosity) I-don't really know what you-?
Annoying Studio Guy: (Saying this very quickly, trying not to be a bother) I'm just saying that it'd probably sound better if you said, "But they were all deceived" or "But all of them were deceived", ya know; as not to offend our grammatical audience.
Narrator: (Angrily indicates the script in her hands as she speaks, occasionally glancing at the Annoying Studio Guy) Look, I'm just reading what I've got on this script! If you had such a problem with it, you shoulda talked to the scriptwriter!
Annoying Studio Guy: (Looking very awkward at the moment, not wanting to admit he is embarrassed) Oh. Well-carry on.
(Annoying Studio Guy leaves, and when he exits, the recording light comes back on. Narrator rolls her eyes before she goes back to reading)
Narrator: For another movie was made.
(We see Jauron-looking very normal, and quite human-like in appearance- examining many tapes and filmstrips: they are the Lord of the Rings footage he has saved. The Narrator speaks as he sorts)
Narrator: Long ago, in a far-off place-you could call it New Zealand-Peter Jackson crafted a wonderful, awesome movie of epic proportions: Lord of the Rings. Despite the fact that he had made a great movie when everybody believed it impossible, Peter Jackson was not pleased with the ending of the movie. So, he sought to put all three films together on one, solitary DVD.
(Jauron picks up a DVD and examines it, occasionally glancing at the filmstrips and tapes nearby)
Narrator: Everybody believed it impossible and foolish. Nobody can place over nine hours of movie onto one disc! It was insanity to many, and many of the special effects and pre-existing filmmakers abandoned Peter Jackson in his plan. So, Peter Jackson was forced to do it alone, working hour after hour on crafting a nine-hour movie onto one DVD.
(We see Jauron smile fondly as he pushes buttons at a massive computer. It is a few months from whence we saw him last, and he looks rather weary and different. Nobody is in the room other than him-silence clouds the area, interrupted occasionally by the sounds the computer releases as a button is pushed or something pops up on the screen)
Narrator: And then, when everybody believed it inconceivable and mad, Peter Jackson had done the impossible. Using his supreme skill and craftsmanship with the computer, he had placed each film-unedited and in perfect condition-upon one disc.
(Jauron takes the DVD out of the CD-drive and looks it over with satisfaction mirrored upon his weary face)
Narrator: But a problem arose from the awesome movie: there was nowhere to play the movie. He tried a simple DVD player.
(Jauron places the DVD into a regular DVD player. After a few seconds, the DVD player's drive opens up, spits out the movie, and explodes; fragments of machinery fly everywhere in the room. Jauron looks undaunted)
Narrator: .but it didn't work. So, he tried placing it in a regular computer with a program to play DVDs.
(Jauron places the movie into the CD-drive of a computer, clicking the play icon on the program to play DVDs. After a few seconds, the computer's CD- drive opens, spits out the movie, and explodes; fragments of computer machinery flies everywhere. Still, Jauron looks undaunted)
Narrator: .but that didn't work, either. So, Jauron bought everything needed to build a very advanced computer, with the fastest boot-up rate and the ability to play long, strenuous hours of movies on it.
(Jauron is smiling idly at a massive computer, looking very advanced in technology. There is no question at its abilities as we see it. Slowly, Jauron places the great movie inside the CD-drive and closes it. We see him click on the play symbol upon the computer screen. He waits for a few seconds. Suddenly, the computer starts sputtering and smoking. Jauron's eyes widen in disbelief)
Narrator: .but he failed to realize that building a computer is quite difficult, and the ability to do so is given only to those that are highly skilled at it. So.it wasn't technically the fault of the DVD, but.
(We see the CD-drive open, spit out the movie, and explode into a million pieces. This time, Jauron looks slightly frazzled)
Narrator: .we cannot ignore the fact that his last plan didn't work, either. So finally, Jauron decided to do a very difficult task-most likely more difficult than making a computer, considering that this task had never been done before. But he was in a rut, and he was tired of things exploding on him, so he attempted it.
(We see Jauron working on the disc, carefully etching a play and a stop symbol upon the disc)
Narrator: What he planned was to place a play and stop symbol upon the DVD. In his mind, he believed that doing so would work, considering he was making a player within the movie, so it could deal with dispersing the movie and staying stationary at the same time. And so.after hours of toil and many boxes of Hostess doughnuts.he did it.
(Jauron lifts up the movie with a smile upon his face, and we see that he is holding the DVD, but with a stop and play symbol blazing brightly upon the surface)
Narrator: Peter Jackson managed to place a play and stop symbol upon the disc.
(Jauron pushes the play symbol, and he flinches at first-as if expecting it to explode on him. But he recovers himself after a moment, suddenly realizing that the movie is playing through a small ray dispersing from the movie)
Narrator: .and it actually worked.
(Jauron smiles at the movie, expecting great things with this object now that he has overcome two difficult feats in two leaps)
Narrator: Needless to say, Jackson wished to produce this object to the public-because that's the way a free-market economy works, right? Anyways, he sought out different stores all around the world to sell his work.all of them turning him down. For one thing, the movie was ridiculously over- priced, causing many economic physics to state that if Jackson attempted to sell the film, it would cause many of the richest billionaires to go bankrupt. Another reason was the fact that it was too difficult to make- Jackson had spent over three months working upon his work, and that was just the one disc; people didn't have that much time or money to do such a thing-besides, they had better things to do and sell.
(We see Typical Store Manager opening up a large box of extra soft toilet paper. He looks about to make sure nobody is watching, then rubs a package of the toilet paper on his face adoringly)
Typical Store Manager: (In a soft, reassuring voice) Oh, soft toilet paper- I love you.
(We see Jauron standing a fair distance away, watching the scene with a disappointed look upon his face-he had been defeated by toilet paper. With that, he leaves the store)
Narrator: And so, Jackson sought out the few, exile-driven Lord of the Rings fans. He believed that-if anyone was to accept his idea for the Lord of the Rings movie-it would be them. Them, who supported Jackson and lived by the three movies crafted by him, would surely accept his idea. But Jackson had been arrogant once more. The Lord of the Rings fans were great supporters of tradition, their society based upon the orthodox belief that one must watch the movies one at a time to appreciate the pure joy of it. Not only was Jackson's idea spurned, but it was most likely feared. Needless to say, the Lord of the Rings fans dismissed Jackson in an orderly fashion.
(Jauron shouts as he is thrown out of a Lord of the Rings meeting area. He looks back at LOTR Geek#1&2 in shock)
Narrator: (In a shrugging type of voice) Well.somewhat orderly.
LOTR Geek#1: (In a very nasal type voice) And stay out, you big ingrate!
LOTR Geek#2: (In a very geeky voice) Yeah! Blasphemer of tradition! "Three movies on one disc" indeed! What kind of animals do you take us for, Jackson? Gees!
(LOTR Geeks slam the door to their headquarters, leaving poor Jauron sitting upon his bum in the street. A car rushes by and splashes a puddle right on Jauron. Cursing, the director hops out of the way. We hear Driver of Car yell as he drives away)
Driver of Car: (Angrily) Get outta the road, ya geek! Go play Dungeons & Dragons or something!
Narrator: (In a serious tone) It is fair to say that things were looking very rough for Jackson. He tried endlessly to sell his idea to different manufactures, but his idea wouldn't sell; and we mean everyone!
(We see Jauron walk out of an Adult Film store, his eyes wide and his face pulled in a bemused expression)
Jauron: (Looking back at the store) I guess they have even lower expectations.
Narrator: It seemed to Jackson that the best thing to do was to give up-but that would be the end of the story and it wouldn't be much fun, so SHUT UP AND LISTEN! HEY! YOU, IN THE BACK! YEAH YOU! DON'T THINK I DON'T SEE YOU HEADIN' TOWARDS THE DOOR! SIT YOUR BUTT BACK DOWN MISTER! HEY! DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK! I SAW YOU SNEAK IN WITH YOUR CURLY HEADED BUDDY NEXT TO YOU! DON'T MAKE ME GET THE USHER! Anyways-(Seriously) when things were looking the worst for Jackson, he discovered a marvelous thing! He was able to transport himself into Middle-earth! What? (In a bemused tone) You want to know how he got there? Well, we had a really good reason for it-but we lost the original script and the footage we shot for that scene. So.let's make due with this drawing done by one of the editor's, six-year- old sons, shall we?
(We see a horribly drawn stick-figure drawing, indicating Jauron standing next to a crooked rectangle, which is supposed to represent a door)
Narrator: (In a quick, careless tone) Jauron was able to draw a door in the wall, and it seemed to transport him into another dimension.
(We see the drawing change to a picture of Jauron falling into an abyss of many squiggly lines and spirals-even Jauron's eyes are spirals, supposing indicating the madness of it all)
Narrator: (In the same careless manor) Well, once he stopped falling into the strange dimension, he found himself in Middle-earth.which he took up a home in.
(The picture changes to Jauron standing on the ground, with many different, short stick-figures with squiggles on top of their head; there's also tall stick figures, with yellow lines drooping from their heads, indicating long hair. The sun is shining in the picture, which has a happy face in there. There are arrows pointing to the short stick figures that read, "Hobbits" and arrows pointing to the tall stick figures reading, "Elves". There's even an arrow indicating the sun. The picture fades as the Narrator speaks)
Narrator: (Seriously) Once Jackson had entered Middle-earth, he began to seek out people to manufacture his movie. To his surprise and joy, many were interested in the movie. Not only were the people intrigued with how Middle-earth was interpreted, but the hobbits were quite pleased that pretty, skinny-built actors were chosen to play the main hobbits, while atrociously fat ones were chosen to play the ugly, passer-by hobbits. Jackson began to make plans to sell his movie to the loyal citizens of Middle-earth.until something really strange happened.
(We see Jauron pull out the movie and stare at it intently-as if suddenly transfixed with it in a way he's never been before)
Narrator: Jackson noticed that his movie had a mind of its own. Somehow in the production process, Jackson had caused the movie to think and act in a way only it could see fit. Yet, the movie was now transfixed upon its master-the one whom had created it could tell it what to do. It was only Peter Jackson who knew how to control it. The director suddenly realized what was before him now. Before, his life had been full of embarrassment and failure due to the movie; but now, the world was open for his taking-a world full of "yes". He had heard of the legendary "Movies of Power" bestowed upon the different races-why couldn't he have his own? More importantly, why couldn't he own all of them?
(We now see a map of Middle-earth close in around Mordor)
Narrator: Jackson retreated into the dark recesses of Mordor, gathering his followers and servants to work for him. And there, Jackson began his plots for power and dominance over all of Middle-earth. It was in Mordor- (We see Mount Doom explode in the distance)
Narrator: .in the fires of Mount Doom-
(We see Jauron in his Dark Lord form, looking very powerful and awesome as he extends his hands into the flames of the mountain, slowly withdrawing the movie from the flames)
Narrator: .that Peter Jackson changed his title from a mere director to Jauron, the Dark Lord of Middle Earth and master to the movie. Into this One Movie, he sought to make it the master of all others. Into this Movie, he poured his cruelty.his malice.and his will to dominate all life.(In a careless voice, more to herself) Kind of makes all those judges of the Oscars second-guess themselves, doesn't it? Oh! Well, anyway.
(We see Jauron's hand grasping the movie-now the One Movie of Power, with the language of Mordor around its rim)
Narrator: (In a serious tone) One Movie to rule-them-all.
(We now see the Minions of the Dark Lord closing in upon different towns of Men, burning as they go and fulfilling acts of evil for their master. Men and women are running around, trying to escape from the Minions of the Dark Lord)
Narrator: (In a forlorn tone) One by one, each of the Free Lands of Middle- earth fell to the power of the Movie.
Man#1: (Shouting over his shoulder towards the Minions of the Dark Lord, who follow his group closely) Okay! It was a great movie, but don't make us watch it again!
Narrator: But there were some who resisted.
(Now we see Soldier of Man#1 talking to Child#1 and Child#2)
Soldier of Man#1: (In a friendly voice) Okay, kids! What do we say when a Dark Lord comes up to us and asks us to join forces with him?
Child#1 & Child#2: (In confident voices) JUST SAY NO!
Soldier of Man#1: (Patting each child on the shoulder to recognition) Very good children! And then run really fast because he's probably gonna want to kill you.
(We have a sky-view of Elves and Men approaching Mount Doom, with Minions of the Dark Lord coming towards them with outstanding number, ready to defend their land)
Narrator: A last alliance of Elves and Men marched to the slopes of Mount Doom. And there-they fought for the freedom of Middle Earth.
(Minions of the Dark Lord hiss as they attack furiously, but the Elves take them down with their arrows. Still it is not enough. The Minions of the Dark Lord attack again, their black pikes and swords ready to attack. Noelrond begins to shout out orders for his Elven army)
Noelrond: Elven Army! Position yourselves!
(Elves march to the front of the group, gripping their swords tightly and waiting for the command as the enemy approaches. When the enemy is only a few feet, Noelrond shouts the command)
Noelrond: (In a demanding tone) NOW!
(The Elves in the back shoot arrows at the approaching force, while the Elves in the front swing up their swords and cause the approaching enemy to fall)
Noelrond: (In an encouraging shout) Good! Now line up and do it again-if at all possible.
(Now we see the actual hand-to-hand combat between Minions of the Dark Lord, Men, and Elves. As you may have guessed, many of the Men and Elves are winning, stabbing Orcs and goblins. Then, we see Soldier of Man#1 bending near the fatally wounded body of Soldier of Man#2)
Soldier of Man#1: (Sobbing) Oh, daddy! Daddy! Don't leave us, daddy!
Soldier of Man#2: (Sits up weakly) I'm-not-your dad-kid.
Soldier of Man#1: (Stops sobbing and looks highly embarrassed) Oh, I'm sorry, sir! (Goes to Soldier of Man#3, who is also fatally wounded. Starts sobbing again) Oh, daddy! Don't leave us daddy! Please live, daddy!
Soldier of Man#3: (Weakly) I'm-not-your dad. I'm-your-brother.
Soldier of Man#1: (Stops sobbing and looks embarrassed again) Sorry, dude. I'll just come back when I've found dad. (Pats Soldier of Man#3 on the shoulder)
Soldier of Man#3: (Moans painfully) Ow! It burns! Why won't this end?
Soldier of Man#1: (In a carefree tone) Don't worry! I'll be back in no time. (Gets up and leaves. Soldier of Man#3 watches Soldier of Man#1 leave, looking very upset)
Soldier of Man#3: (In a weak tone) I-am-so-telling mom-about this!
Narrator: Victory was near.
Robsildur's Father: (Raises sword triumphantly) Yes! I'm goin' to Disneyland!
(Noelrond-who has just finished off a ferocious looking Orc-looks to the distance and his face falls. For a moment, the fighting seems to stop)
Narrator: But the power of the movie could not be undone.
(Jauron advances towards the opposing force, the movie on a chain around his neck as he comes towards the army. He approaches slowly, with powerful strides)
Noelrond: (Angrily) Ah crap.
Narrator: Once Jauron pushed the unique play chip upon the DVD, he was virtually indestructible.
(Jauron pushes play chip and comes towards the army. The opposing army looks at him with wide mouths, both frightened yet shocked at the awesome figure this Dark Lord is)
Soldier of Man#4: (Stammering as he speaks) Uh, hi, Jauron-mister Dark Lord, dude. Perhaps we could talk about this before you do anything rash?
(Jauron raises his massive sword and swings it with almighty strength at the forces in front of him. Men and Elves go flying and they shout out in pain)
Soldier of Man#4: (Shouting as he flies away) I guess this means we won't be talking!
(Jauron seems unstoppable. Every time somebody tries to advance upon him, he tosses them aside with a swish of his sword. With a determined look on his face, Robsildur's Father advances towards the awesome creature that is Jauron. Robsildur sees what his father is doing and shouts for him to stop, but Robsildur's Father appears to not have heard. Instead, he advances upon Jauron, determined to defeat this creature even though it is virtually impossible. With one motion, Jauron disposes of Robsildur's Father, who goes flying and hits a rock wall)
Robsildur's Father: (Weakly) Ouch. (Slides down wall and dies)
Robsildur: (Runs to his father's aid, only to find that he is too late. He takes off his battle helmet as his eyes fill with tears at the sight of his dead father) Father! (Weeping, he pulls his father close to him, wishing he could come alive and ease the pain building inside him)
Narrator: It was in this moment-when all hope had failed-when Robsildur, son of the King-
(Jauron advances upon Robsildur, who looks up into the face of the one who killed his father. For a moment, he is petrified by fear at the awesome build of the enemy)
Narrator: .took up his father's sword!
(Robsildur takes the broken blade resting next to his father's body as Jauron extends a massive hand towards him, ready to take the life of the King's son as well. Robsildur shouts as he swings the broken blade in an upward motion and accidentally cuts the chain that bears the Movie of Power. Jauron unleashes an inhumane shriek as the movie leaves his neck and falls slowly to the earth. The camera follows its slow descent towards the ground. Once it hits the ground, Robsildur looks up at Jauron)
Robsildur: Holy snikies!
(Jauron begins to emit a white light from him, and the earth begins to shutter violently. The camera moves across the faces of the soldiers who are fighting-each one with a look of confusion and fear upon their faces. The light grows brighter)
Robsildur: (Screams as the light grows and shields his head) Not the hair!
(Jauron suddenly explodes in a flash of white light and smoke. The power of his explosion causes every man fighting to fall down upon the ground. The camera then follows the descent of Jauron's helmet as if falls to the ground. It hits the earth with an almighty crash)
Narrator: Jauron, the enemy of the free lands of Middle Earth, was defeated.
(Amidst the destruction of the battlefield, we see Soldier of Man#5 and Soldier of Man#6 sit up and look at one another with awestruck faces. For a while, nothing is said, their own shock enveloping their emotions.
Soldier of Man#5&6: Wow-that was so-AWESOME! (They begin to hoot as they high-five one another and laugh)
(Robsildur removes his hands from his hand and spots the Movie of Power just a few inches from him. In one instant, he grabs it. The Movie of Power is steaming from the amount of power it has siphoned towards its master. Robsildur stares in wonderment at the movie)
Narrator: The Movie passed to Robsildur, who had this one chance to rid evil from the world forever.
(We then see Robsildur riding through a forestland with his troops. The camera closes in upon the movie, which is worn upon a chain about his neck)
Narrator: (In a disgusted tone) But the hearts of Men-are easily corrupted. (In a small voice) Damn Men.
(Robsildur wears a grimace upon his face, as we see him imagine a castle, a burger and fries, bags of money, a new television, and even a very pretty girl)
Narrator: And the Movie-had a will of its own.
(The camera suddenly spots a goblin-like creature hiding in the trees. With a sickening growl, it jumps upon Robsildur, who grunts as he is thrown off his horse. The camera then catches the new battle between the goblins and the Men. Robsildur looks around him, and pulls off the movie as if by instinct. Then, he looks at it-as if suddenly realizing what he has done. Then, he pushes the play-chip and vanishes with a faint whoosh. The camera then follows the pursuit of the invisible man as he runs from the battle and into the lake, occasionally giggling stupidly. There is a splash as he jumps into the river and begins to swim to safety. We get an underwater view as the movie leaves Robsildur, and he becomes visible)
Robsildur: (In an underwater, gurgling type voice) Ah crap!
(In vain, Robsildur tries to grasp the movie, but it is too far from his grasp. The camera then shows two goblins spot Robsildur, and they draw back their arrows and shoot. Back to underwater vision, Robsildur's face suddenly pulls as he is hit in the back with the arrows. One air bubble passes from his mouth before he dies)
Narrator: It betrayed Robsildur-to his death. (We see the movie sink into some seaweed and eventually vanish) And some things-that should not have been forgotten-were, well, lost. (We zoom out to see the woods, peaceful, years after the battle had taken place) History became legend-legend became myth.
(We see the recording studio again, and the Narrator shouts out as she realizes that they had stopped recording again. When Annoying Studio Guy comes in the studio, she eyes him with severe anger)
Narrator: Now what? I was getting to the really good part!
Annoying Studio Guy: Sorry, miss, but some people in the studio-well, just me-have a problem with the statement you just made.
Narrator: (Sighs angrily) Well, what is it this time?
Annoying Studio Guy: (Turns the clipboard in his hands continually as he talks) Well, you just said, "History became legend-legend became myth". Uh- aren't legend and myth the same things?
Narrator: (Very frustrated at the moment) I don't know! Get a freakin' dictionary!
Annoying Studio Guy: Yes, but-!
Narrator: (Shouting, almost beside herself in rage) Here's a question: Why must you keep annoying me with stupid questions?! I'm tryin' to read this damn script and you just keep coming in here with stuff that doesn't even concern me! Why won't you just leave me alone!
Annoying Studio Guy: (Bursts into tears of resentment that cause the Narrator to raise her eyebrows skeptically) I-just wanted-to-be-important! I-I know when I'm-I'm not wanted-! C-Carry-on! (Buries his face in a tissue as he leaves the studio)
Narrator: (Biting her cheek slightly, she sees the light indicating that they're recording again and she continues) And then-(We now go back to underwater vision, where the movie rests peacefully at the bottom of the river, buries slightly in sand) when chance came-the movie ensnared a new bearer. (A hand scoops up the movie with the sand)
(We see the movie resting perfectly in Jenolum's grimy hand as she hisses over it)
Jenolum: My precccioussssss.
(The camera runs along the Misty Mountains as the Narrator speaks)
Narrator: It came to the creature, Jenolum, who took it deep into the Misty Mountains. And there-it consumed her.
(The camera focuses upon the pitiful Jenolum, who sits upon a rock in the middle of an underground lake, ogling at the movie she has claimed as her precious)
Jenolum: (Occasionally stroking the movie adoringly and hissing as she talks) It came to me! It is my love! My own! My love! My precioussssss!
Narrator: The movie brought to Jenolum unnatural long life. For five hundred years, it poisoned her mind. And in the gloom of Jenolum's cave- that smelly, fish strewn, craphole-it waited.
(The scene blacks out and is replaced with a forest in the early evening, an eerie breeze lifting the dying leaves of a beech tree)
Narrator: Darkness crept back into Middle Earth. Rumor grew of a growing evil-whispers of a nameless fear in the east.
(The camera catches the setting of a sun)
Narrator: When it was sure that it wasn't just another reopening of Montgomery Ward, the movie had confirmed: its time had now come.
(Back in the Misty Mountains, we see the movie bounce off the rocks, clinging loudly as it goes)
Narrator: It abandoned Jenolum.
(The screen blacks out momentarily, but comes back to see the movie lying on the dirt of the caves)
Narrator: But something happened then that the movie did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature-
(We go back to the recording studio, and the Annoying Studio Guy is watching the Narrator apprehensively)
Annoying Studio Guy: A hobgoblin?
Narrator: (Looks up angrily) No, not a "hobgoblin"! Though-that is weird.
(We go back to see the hand of Milbo Baggins touch the movie)
Milbo Baggins: (Sounding very curious) What the heck is this?
(Camera zooms out to catch the face of Milbo Baggins, who is eyeing the movie with curiosity)
Narrator: A hobbit. Milbo Baggins, of the Shire.
Milbo Baggins: (Straightening her glasses, possibly to be sure that her eyes are not deceiving her in the dark of the caves) A movie? A DVD? Hmm? Lord of the Rings-must be a cult classic. (Studies movie carefully) Strange. These two symbols look like a play and stop button. How odd.
(Milbo Baggins looks up abruptly as she hears Jenolum cry out in rage and sadness)
Jenolum: LOST! LOST! MY PRECIOUS IS LOST!
(Uncertain of the danger she is crossing into, Milbo Baggins places the movie in her pocket, while breathing in an out with fear. The camera zooms out to run across the Misty Mountains again)
Narrator: But there would come a time when hobbits would shape the fortunes of all. (The camera still runs across the mountains, even as the Narrator talks, unaware that they are still recording) Boy, what a relief! I'm so tired! My butt's killin' me from sittin' on that stool all day! Can I get some water before I go change? I would just like to-What? (A pause) What do you mean we're still recordin'? (Another pause) But you just-(One more pause and a gasp) Oh crap! Ah, son of a-! (A clicking noise is heard as the recording stops)
Narrator: Dearest Viewer, for those of you who loved Lord of the Rings, you will hate this movie. For those of you who thought no other movie could be made that would be better than Lord of the Rings, you will hate this movie (We mean no insult to the following: Lord of the Rings fans). Not only will you find it insulting, but you will also find it silly, stupid, and (if you catch yourself thinking so) funny. This movie totally makes fun of almost everything about Lord of the Rings or has been changed for our amusement. We found making this movie much more enjoyable than picking our noses and standing on our heads (We mean no insult to the following: nose pickers and head standers).
Upon making this movie, we have noticed that we have made fun of things that are considered as offensive to others. We would therefore like to apologize to the following and ensure that no insults are bearing upon them. *Phone solicitors *Peter Jackson *Kristina Faricy *Rachel Boltz *Jessica Taylor *James Bartholomew *Megan Mahoney *Mumsy *Jennifer Walker *Kenneth, Andrew, and Noel Horton *Brittany Severance *Tom Selleck *Walgreens *Michael Boehm *Ashley Filbrant
*David Bowie *Old lady who lives down the road who has
been so nice as to let
us use her yard as a very constructive sight for
many battle scenes
on account of all the leaves. *Old lady's yard (We would therefore like to state that the old lady has a very nice yard and we mean no disrespect). *Lawyers *Senior Citizens *Sears' Employees *Severely obese
individuals
We thank you for your understanding and let it be known that the above are entitled to a full-fledged apology (Except Bob Saggot and Elizabeth Horton, because they are both foolish people who do not deserve an apology because everything about them is true). So please, don't sue. (A brief pause) By the way, if you have taken anything that has been said seriously, we would like to give you our deepest sympathy because you are a retard. We suggest you either obtain a helmet or bang yourself over the head many times to rid us of your stupidity. Enjoy the movie.
Narrator: (In a distant, very serious voice) The world is changed. I feel it in the water, I hear it in the Earth, I smell it in the air. Much that once was, is now lost-for none now live who remember it.
(As we see the title of the movie, we hear Annoying Movie Goer speak)
Annoying Movie Goer: Well that just gives it all away!
Other Audience Member: Shh!
Annoying Movie Goer: Don't "shush" me, you ninny!
Prologue Narrator: It began with the making of the Great Movies.
(We see the DVD's: Willow, The Tenth Kingdom, and Labyrinth. They are upon a wooden table-you could call it Elvish)
Narrator: Three fantasy movies were given to the Elves, who would understand them better.
(Elf#1 picks up Labyrinth; Elf#2 picks up Willow; Elf#3 picks up The Tenth Kingdom. The Elves study their movies for a while, each one looking at their procession with great awe and pride. Then, they start arguing)
Elf#1: (Scowling and frowning at Elf#2) No way! Prince Jared is way more powerful than Willow ever was!
Elf#2: (Eyeing Elf#1 with severe dislike) That's bull, and you know it!
Elf#3: (Looking at their movie, looking very upset and tired) Why did I pick The Tenth Kingdom? It-doesn't-end!
(We now see a stone table, containing seven Disney movies. One of them is Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, but the other six can be anything)
Narrator: Seven Disney movies were given to the Dwarf-Lords-who had an exquisite imagination.
(Dwarf#3 picks up Snow White, while the other six dwarves pick up the other movies. Each Dwarf is studying their prize with honor; the way Dwarves are, of course. But Dwarf#3 is studying his movie with great curiosity)
Dwarf#3: (Motions over to Dwarf#2) Hey, dude! This dwarf on Snow White and the Seven Dwarves kinda looks like you!
(Dwarf#2 looks at the movie in the hands of Dwarf#3 with a bit of a smile on his face. But his smile turns into a frown and eventually into a scowl as he studies the movie further. Infuriated, Dwarf#2 begins to slap Dwarf#3 in the face)
Dwarf#3: (Screaming in pain, dropping the movie, and covering his face to escape the blows he is receiving) Ouch! It was a compliment! Ouch!
(We now see the Nine Kings of Men. Each of them holds an action movie in their hands and is wearing a look of malice and power upon their faces)
Narrator: And nine action movies were gifted to the race of Men-who, above all else, desire power.
(Then, we see the Nine Kings of Men standing in an entertainment room, with beer mugs in their hands and watching an action movie, cheering as something explodes on screen)
Narrator: (In a careless tone) And fiery crash scenes, slapstick comedy, and blonde girls in tube-tops
(King of Man#1 shouts happily, spilling beer upon the floor. King of Man#2 ducks as King of Man#5 takes off his cloak and waves it around drunkenly, shouting with pride as he does so. King of Man#6 dashes into the room wearing a toga and shouting triumphantly. Next, we see a map of middle earth as the Narrator speaks)
Narrator: For within these movies was the power to govern each race in Middle Earth-but they were all of them deceived-
(We now see a recording studio, where the Narrator is sitting on a stool with the script in her hands to aid her as she reads the story into the microphone, but she stops as she sees that they have stopped recording. Annoying Studio Guy enters the room and walks up to the Narrator)
Narrator: (A bit angry at the moment) What'd you stop it for? I was on a roll!
Annoying Studio Guy: (Waving his hand, indicating he didn't mean anything) I'm sorry, miss-you're doin' great-but I kind of found something that really troubled me with what you said.
Narrator: (Raises an eyebrow quizzically) Uh, okay. What?
Annoying Studio Guy: Well, uh-(Looks at clipboard for support, then back at Narrator) I was just sittin' there, mindin' my own business, when I kind of heard you say, "But they were all of them deceived".
Narrator: (Scowls) So?
Annoying Studio Guy: Well, I don't think that sounds right-grammatically.
Narrator: (Blinks at Annoying Studio Guy, as if expecting more. When nothing else is said, she frowns) What do you mean by that, exactly?
Annoying Studio Guy: (Rubs his neck nervously) I mean, we know you're talking about them, but do you have to say it again?
Narrator: (Shaking her head in curiosity) I-don't really know what you-?
Annoying Studio Guy: (Saying this very quickly, trying not to be a bother) I'm just saying that it'd probably sound better if you said, "But they were all deceived" or "But all of them were deceived", ya know; as not to offend our grammatical audience.
Narrator: (Angrily indicates the script in her hands as she speaks, occasionally glancing at the Annoying Studio Guy) Look, I'm just reading what I've got on this script! If you had such a problem with it, you shoulda talked to the scriptwriter!
Annoying Studio Guy: (Looking very awkward at the moment, not wanting to admit he is embarrassed) Oh. Well-carry on.
(Annoying Studio Guy leaves, and when he exits, the recording light comes back on. Narrator rolls her eyes before she goes back to reading)
Narrator: For another movie was made.
(We see Jauron-looking very normal, and quite human-like in appearance- examining many tapes and filmstrips: they are the Lord of the Rings footage he has saved. The Narrator speaks as he sorts)
Narrator: Long ago, in a far-off place-you could call it New Zealand-Peter Jackson crafted a wonderful, awesome movie of epic proportions: Lord of the Rings. Despite the fact that he had made a great movie when everybody believed it impossible, Peter Jackson was not pleased with the ending of the movie. So, he sought to put all three films together on one, solitary DVD.
(Jauron picks up a DVD and examines it, occasionally glancing at the filmstrips and tapes nearby)
Narrator: Everybody believed it impossible and foolish. Nobody can place over nine hours of movie onto one disc! It was insanity to many, and many of the special effects and pre-existing filmmakers abandoned Peter Jackson in his plan. So, Peter Jackson was forced to do it alone, working hour after hour on crafting a nine-hour movie onto one DVD.
(We see Jauron smile fondly as he pushes buttons at a massive computer. It is a few months from whence we saw him last, and he looks rather weary and different. Nobody is in the room other than him-silence clouds the area, interrupted occasionally by the sounds the computer releases as a button is pushed or something pops up on the screen)
Narrator: And then, when everybody believed it inconceivable and mad, Peter Jackson had done the impossible. Using his supreme skill and craftsmanship with the computer, he had placed each film-unedited and in perfect condition-upon one disc.
(Jauron takes the DVD out of the CD-drive and looks it over with satisfaction mirrored upon his weary face)
Narrator: But a problem arose from the awesome movie: there was nowhere to play the movie. He tried a simple DVD player.
(Jauron places the DVD into a regular DVD player. After a few seconds, the DVD player's drive opens up, spits out the movie, and explodes; fragments of machinery fly everywhere in the room. Jauron looks undaunted)
Narrator: .but it didn't work. So, he tried placing it in a regular computer with a program to play DVDs.
(Jauron places the movie into the CD-drive of a computer, clicking the play icon on the program to play DVDs. After a few seconds, the computer's CD- drive opens, spits out the movie, and explodes; fragments of computer machinery flies everywhere. Still, Jauron looks undaunted)
Narrator: .but that didn't work, either. So, Jauron bought everything needed to build a very advanced computer, with the fastest boot-up rate and the ability to play long, strenuous hours of movies on it.
(Jauron is smiling idly at a massive computer, looking very advanced in technology. There is no question at its abilities as we see it. Slowly, Jauron places the great movie inside the CD-drive and closes it. We see him click on the play symbol upon the computer screen. He waits for a few seconds. Suddenly, the computer starts sputtering and smoking. Jauron's eyes widen in disbelief)
Narrator: .but he failed to realize that building a computer is quite difficult, and the ability to do so is given only to those that are highly skilled at it. So.it wasn't technically the fault of the DVD, but.
(We see the CD-drive open, spit out the movie, and explode into a million pieces. This time, Jauron looks slightly frazzled)
Narrator: .we cannot ignore the fact that his last plan didn't work, either. So finally, Jauron decided to do a very difficult task-most likely more difficult than making a computer, considering that this task had never been done before. But he was in a rut, and he was tired of things exploding on him, so he attempted it.
(We see Jauron working on the disc, carefully etching a play and a stop symbol upon the disc)
Narrator: What he planned was to place a play and stop symbol upon the DVD. In his mind, he believed that doing so would work, considering he was making a player within the movie, so it could deal with dispersing the movie and staying stationary at the same time. And so.after hours of toil and many boxes of Hostess doughnuts.he did it.
(Jauron lifts up the movie with a smile upon his face, and we see that he is holding the DVD, but with a stop and play symbol blazing brightly upon the surface)
Narrator: Peter Jackson managed to place a play and stop symbol upon the disc.
(Jauron pushes the play symbol, and he flinches at first-as if expecting it to explode on him. But he recovers himself after a moment, suddenly realizing that the movie is playing through a small ray dispersing from the movie)
Narrator: .and it actually worked.
(Jauron smiles at the movie, expecting great things with this object now that he has overcome two difficult feats in two leaps)
Narrator: Needless to say, Jackson wished to produce this object to the public-because that's the way a free-market economy works, right? Anyways, he sought out different stores all around the world to sell his work.all of them turning him down. For one thing, the movie was ridiculously over- priced, causing many economic physics to state that if Jackson attempted to sell the film, it would cause many of the richest billionaires to go bankrupt. Another reason was the fact that it was too difficult to make- Jackson had spent over three months working upon his work, and that was just the one disc; people didn't have that much time or money to do such a thing-besides, they had better things to do and sell.
(We see Typical Store Manager opening up a large box of extra soft toilet paper. He looks about to make sure nobody is watching, then rubs a package of the toilet paper on his face adoringly)
Typical Store Manager: (In a soft, reassuring voice) Oh, soft toilet paper- I love you.
(We see Jauron standing a fair distance away, watching the scene with a disappointed look upon his face-he had been defeated by toilet paper. With that, he leaves the store)
Narrator: And so, Jackson sought out the few, exile-driven Lord of the Rings fans. He believed that-if anyone was to accept his idea for the Lord of the Rings movie-it would be them. Them, who supported Jackson and lived by the three movies crafted by him, would surely accept his idea. But Jackson had been arrogant once more. The Lord of the Rings fans were great supporters of tradition, their society based upon the orthodox belief that one must watch the movies one at a time to appreciate the pure joy of it. Not only was Jackson's idea spurned, but it was most likely feared. Needless to say, the Lord of the Rings fans dismissed Jackson in an orderly fashion.
(Jauron shouts as he is thrown out of a Lord of the Rings meeting area. He looks back at LOTR Geek#1&2 in shock)
Narrator: (In a shrugging type of voice) Well.somewhat orderly.
LOTR Geek#1: (In a very nasal type voice) And stay out, you big ingrate!
LOTR Geek#2: (In a very geeky voice) Yeah! Blasphemer of tradition! "Three movies on one disc" indeed! What kind of animals do you take us for, Jackson? Gees!
(LOTR Geeks slam the door to their headquarters, leaving poor Jauron sitting upon his bum in the street. A car rushes by and splashes a puddle right on Jauron. Cursing, the director hops out of the way. We hear Driver of Car yell as he drives away)
Driver of Car: (Angrily) Get outta the road, ya geek! Go play Dungeons & Dragons or something!
Narrator: (In a serious tone) It is fair to say that things were looking very rough for Jackson. He tried endlessly to sell his idea to different manufactures, but his idea wouldn't sell; and we mean everyone!
(We see Jauron walk out of an Adult Film store, his eyes wide and his face pulled in a bemused expression)
Jauron: (Looking back at the store) I guess they have even lower expectations.
Narrator: It seemed to Jackson that the best thing to do was to give up-but that would be the end of the story and it wouldn't be much fun, so SHUT UP AND LISTEN! HEY! YOU, IN THE BACK! YEAH YOU! DON'T THINK I DON'T SEE YOU HEADIN' TOWARDS THE DOOR! SIT YOUR BUTT BACK DOWN MISTER! HEY! DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK! I SAW YOU SNEAK IN WITH YOUR CURLY HEADED BUDDY NEXT TO YOU! DON'T MAKE ME GET THE USHER! Anyways-(Seriously) when things were looking the worst for Jackson, he discovered a marvelous thing! He was able to transport himself into Middle-earth! What? (In a bemused tone) You want to know how he got there? Well, we had a really good reason for it-but we lost the original script and the footage we shot for that scene. So.let's make due with this drawing done by one of the editor's, six-year- old sons, shall we?
(We see a horribly drawn stick-figure drawing, indicating Jauron standing next to a crooked rectangle, which is supposed to represent a door)
Narrator: (In a quick, careless tone) Jauron was able to draw a door in the wall, and it seemed to transport him into another dimension.
(We see the drawing change to a picture of Jauron falling into an abyss of many squiggly lines and spirals-even Jauron's eyes are spirals, supposing indicating the madness of it all)
Narrator: (In the same careless manor) Well, once he stopped falling into the strange dimension, he found himself in Middle-earth.which he took up a home in.
(The picture changes to Jauron standing on the ground, with many different, short stick-figures with squiggles on top of their head; there's also tall stick figures, with yellow lines drooping from their heads, indicating long hair. The sun is shining in the picture, which has a happy face in there. There are arrows pointing to the short stick figures that read, "Hobbits" and arrows pointing to the tall stick figures reading, "Elves". There's even an arrow indicating the sun. The picture fades as the Narrator speaks)
Narrator: (Seriously) Once Jackson had entered Middle-earth, he began to seek out people to manufacture his movie. To his surprise and joy, many were interested in the movie. Not only were the people intrigued with how Middle-earth was interpreted, but the hobbits were quite pleased that pretty, skinny-built actors were chosen to play the main hobbits, while atrociously fat ones were chosen to play the ugly, passer-by hobbits. Jackson began to make plans to sell his movie to the loyal citizens of Middle-earth.until something really strange happened.
(We see Jauron pull out the movie and stare at it intently-as if suddenly transfixed with it in a way he's never been before)
Narrator: Jackson noticed that his movie had a mind of its own. Somehow in the production process, Jackson had caused the movie to think and act in a way only it could see fit. Yet, the movie was now transfixed upon its master-the one whom had created it could tell it what to do. It was only Peter Jackson who knew how to control it. The director suddenly realized what was before him now. Before, his life had been full of embarrassment and failure due to the movie; but now, the world was open for his taking-a world full of "yes". He had heard of the legendary "Movies of Power" bestowed upon the different races-why couldn't he have his own? More importantly, why couldn't he own all of them?
(We now see a map of Middle-earth close in around Mordor)
Narrator: Jackson retreated into the dark recesses of Mordor, gathering his followers and servants to work for him. And there, Jackson began his plots for power and dominance over all of Middle-earth. It was in Mordor- (We see Mount Doom explode in the distance)
Narrator: .in the fires of Mount Doom-
(We see Jauron in his Dark Lord form, looking very powerful and awesome as he extends his hands into the flames of the mountain, slowly withdrawing the movie from the flames)
Narrator: .that Peter Jackson changed his title from a mere director to Jauron, the Dark Lord of Middle Earth and master to the movie. Into this One Movie, he sought to make it the master of all others. Into this Movie, he poured his cruelty.his malice.and his will to dominate all life.(In a careless voice, more to herself) Kind of makes all those judges of the Oscars second-guess themselves, doesn't it? Oh! Well, anyway.
(We see Jauron's hand grasping the movie-now the One Movie of Power, with the language of Mordor around its rim)
Narrator: (In a serious tone) One Movie to rule-them-all.
(We now see the Minions of the Dark Lord closing in upon different towns of Men, burning as they go and fulfilling acts of evil for their master. Men and women are running around, trying to escape from the Minions of the Dark Lord)
Narrator: (In a forlorn tone) One by one, each of the Free Lands of Middle- earth fell to the power of the Movie.
Man#1: (Shouting over his shoulder towards the Minions of the Dark Lord, who follow his group closely) Okay! It was a great movie, but don't make us watch it again!
Narrator: But there were some who resisted.
(Now we see Soldier of Man#1 talking to Child#1 and Child#2)
Soldier of Man#1: (In a friendly voice) Okay, kids! What do we say when a Dark Lord comes up to us and asks us to join forces with him?
Child#1 & Child#2: (In confident voices) JUST SAY NO!
Soldier of Man#1: (Patting each child on the shoulder to recognition) Very good children! And then run really fast because he's probably gonna want to kill you.
(We have a sky-view of Elves and Men approaching Mount Doom, with Minions of the Dark Lord coming towards them with outstanding number, ready to defend their land)
Narrator: A last alliance of Elves and Men marched to the slopes of Mount Doom. And there-they fought for the freedom of Middle Earth.
(Minions of the Dark Lord hiss as they attack furiously, but the Elves take them down with their arrows. Still it is not enough. The Minions of the Dark Lord attack again, their black pikes and swords ready to attack. Noelrond begins to shout out orders for his Elven army)
Noelrond: Elven Army! Position yourselves!
(Elves march to the front of the group, gripping their swords tightly and waiting for the command as the enemy approaches. When the enemy is only a few feet, Noelrond shouts the command)
Noelrond: (In a demanding tone) NOW!
(The Elves in the back shoot arrows at the approaching force, while the Elves in the front swing up their swords and cause the approaching enemy to fall)
Noelrond: (In an encouraging shout) Good! Now line up and do it again-if at all possible.
(Now we see the actual hand-to-hand combat between Minions of the Dark Lord, Men, and Elves. As you may have guessed, many of the Men and Elves are winning, stabbing Orcs and goblins. Then, we see Soldier of Man#1 bending near the fatally wounded body of Soldier of Man#2)
Soldier of Man#1: (Sobbing) Oh, daddy! Daddy! Don't leave us, daddy!
Soldier of Man#2: (Sits up weakly) I'm-not-your dad-kid.
Soldier of Man#1: (Stops sobbing and looks highly embarrassed) Oh, I'm sorry, sir! (Goes to Soldier of Man#3, who is also fatally wounded. Starts sobbing again) Oh, daddy! Don't leave us daddy! Please live, daddy!
Soldier of Man#3: (Weakly) I'm-not-your dad. I'm-your-brother.
Soldier of Man#1: (Stops sobbing and looks embarrassed again) Sorry, dude. I'll just come back when I've found dad. (Pats Soldier of Man#3 on the shoulder)
Soldier of Man#3: (Moans painfully) Ow! It burns! Why won't this end?
Soldier of Man#1: (In a carefree tone) Don't worry! I'll be back in no time. (Gets up and leaves. Soldier of Man#3 watches Soldier of Man#1 leave, looking very upset)
Soldier of Man#3: (In a weak tone) I-am-so-telling mom-about this!
Narrator: Victory was near.
Robsildur's Father: (Raises sword triumphantly) Yes! I'm goin' to Disneyland!
(Noelrond-who has just finished off a ferocious looking Orc-looks to the distance and his face falls. For a moment, the fighting seems to stop)
Narrator: But the power of the movie could not be undone.
(Jauron advances towards the opposing force, the movie on a chain around his neck as he comes towards the army. He approaches slowly, with powerful strides)
Noelrond: (Angrily) Ah crap.
Narrator: Once Jauron pushed the unique play chip upon the DVD, he was virtually indestructible.
(Jauron pushes play chip and comes towards the army. The opposing army looks at him with wide mouths, both frightened yet shocked at the awesome figure this Dark Lord is)
Soldier of Man#4: (Stammering as he speaks) Uh, hi, Jauron-mister Dark Lord, dude. Perhaps we could talk about this before you do anything rash?
(Jauron raises his massive sword and swings it with almighty strength at the forces in front of him. Men and Elves go flying and they shout out in pain)
Soldier of Man#4: (Shouting as he flies away) I guess this means we won't be talking!
(Jauron seems unstoppable. Every time somebody tries to advance upon him, he tosses them aside with a swish of his sword. With a determined look on his face, Robsildur's Father advances towards the awesome creature that is Jauron. Robsildur sees what his father is doing and shouts for him to stop, but Robsildur's Father appears to not have heard. Instead, he advances upon Jauron, determined to defeat this creature even though it is virtually impossible. With one motion, Jauron disposes of Robsildur's Father, who goes flying and hits a rock wall)
Robsildur's Father: (Weakly) Ouch. (Slides down wall and dies)
Robsildur: (Runs to his father's aid, only to find that he is too late. He takes off his battle helmet as his eyes fill with tears at the sight of his dead father) Father! (Weeping, he pulls his father close to him, wishing he could come alive and ease the pain building inside him)
Narrator: It was in this moment-when all hope had failed-when Robsildur, son of the King-
(Jauron advances upon Robsildur, who looks up into the face of the one who killed his father. For a moment, he is petrified by fear at the awesome build of the enemy)
Narrator: .took up his father's sword!
(Robsildur takes the broken blade resting next to his father's body as Jauron extends a massive hand towards him, ready to take the life of the King's son as well. Robsildur shouts as he swings the broken blade in an upward motion and accidentally cuts the chain that bears the Movie of Power. Jauron unleashes an inhumane shriek as the movie leaves his neck and falls slowly to the earth. The camera follows its slow descent towards the ground. Once it hits the ground, Robsildur looks up at Jauron)
Robsildur: Holy snikies!
(Jauron begins to emit a white light from him, and the earth begins to shutter violently. The camera moves across the faces of the soldiers who are fighting-each one with a look of confusion and fear upon their faces. The light grows brighter)
Robsildur: (Screams as the light grows and shields his head) Not the hair!
(Jauron suddenly explodes in a flash of white light and smoke. The power of his explosion causes every man fighting to fall down upon the ground. The camera then follows the descent of Jauron's helmet as if falls to the ground. It hits the earth with an almighty crash)
Narrator: Jauron, the enemy of the free lands of Middle Earth, was defeated.
(Amidst the destruction of the battlefield, we see Soldier of Man#5 and Soldier of Man#6 sit up and look at one another with awestruck faces. For a while, nothing is said, their own shock enveloping their emotions.
Soldier of Man#5&6: Wow-that was so-AWESOME! (They begin to hoot as they high-five one another and laugh)
(Robsildur removes his hands from his hand and spots the Movie of Power just a few inches from him. In one instant, he grabs it. The Movie of Power is steaming from the amount of power it has siphoned towards its master. Robsildur stares in wonderment at the movie)
Narrator: The Movie passed to Robsildur, who had this one chance to rid evil from the world forever.
(We then see Robsildur riding through a forestland with his troops. The camera closes in upon the movie, which is worn upon a chain about his neck)
Narrator: (In a disgusted tone) But the hearts of Men-are easily corrupted. (In a small voice) Damn Men.
(Robsildur wears a grimace upon his face, as we see him imagine a castle, a burger and fries, bags of money, a new television, and even a very pretty girl)
Narrator: And the Movie-had a will of its own.
(The camera suddenly spots a goblin-like creature hiding in the trees. With a sickening growl, it jumps upon Robsildur, who grunts as he is thrown off his horse. The camera then catches the new battle between the goblins and the Men. Robsildur looks around him, and pulls off the movie as if by instinct. Then, he looks at it-as if suddenly realizing what he has done. Then, he pushes the play-chip and vanishes with a faint whoosh. The camera then follows the pursuit of the invisible man as he runs from the battle and into the lake, occasionally giggling stupidly. There is a splash as he jumps into the river and begins to swim to safety. We get an underwater view as the movie leaves Robsildur, and he becomes visible)
Robsildur: (In an underwater, gurgling type voice) Ah crap!
(In vain, Robsildur tries to grasp the movie, but it is too far from his grasp. The camera then shows two goblins spot Robsildur, and they draw back their arrows and shoot. Back to underwater vision, Robsildur's face suddenly pulls as he is hit in the back with the arrows. One air bubble passes from his mouth before he dies)
Narrator: It betrayed Robsildur-to his death. (We see the movie sink into some seaweed and eventually vanish) And some things-that should not have been forgotten-were, well, lost. (We zoom out to see the woods, peaceful, years after the battle had taken place) History became legend-legend became myth.
(We see the recording studio again, and the Narrator shouts out as she realizes that they had stopped recording again. When Annoying Studio Guy comes in the studio, she eyes him with severe anger)
Narrator: Now what? I was getting to the really good part!
Annoying Studio Guy: Sorry, miss, but some people in the studio-well, just me-have a problem with the statement you just made.
Narrator: (Sighs angrily) Well, what is it this time?
Annoying Studio Guy: (Turns the clipboard in his hands continually as he talks) Well, you just said, "History became legend-legend became myth". Uh- aren't legend and myth the same things?
Narrator: (Very frustrated at the moment) I don't know! Get a freakin' dictionary!
Annoying Studio Guy: Yes, but-!
Narrator: (Shouting, almost beside herself in rage) Here's a question: Why must you keep annoying me with stupid questions?! I'm tryin' to read this damn script and you just keep coming in here with stuff that doesn't even concern me! Why won't you just leave me alone!
Annoying Studio Guy: (Bursts into tears of resentment that cause the Narrator to raise her eyebrows skeptically) I-just wanted-to-be-important! I-I know when I'm-I'm not wanted-! C-Carry-on! (Buries his face in a tissue as he leaves the studio)
Narrator: (Biting her cheek slightly, she sees the light indicating that they're recording again and she continues) And then-(We now go back to underwater vision, where the movie rests peacefully at the bottom of the river, buries slightly in sand) when chance came-the movie ensnared a new bearer. (A hand scoops up the movie with the sand)
(We see the movie resting perfectly in Jenolum's grimy hand as she hisses over it)
Jenolum: My precccioussssss.
(The camera runs along the Misty Mountains as the Narrator speaks)
Narrator: It came to the creature, Jenolum, who took it deep into the Misty Mountains. And there-it consumed her.
(The camera focuses upon the pitiful Jenolum, who sits upon a rock in the middle of an underground lake, ogling at the movie she has claimed as her precious)
Jenolum: (Occasionally stroking the movie adoringly and hissing as she talks) It came to me! It is my love! My own! My love! My precioussssss!
Narrator: The movie brought to Jenolum unnatural long life. For five hundred years, it poisoned her mind. And in the gloom of Jenolum's cave- that smelly, fish strewn, craphole-it waited.
(The scene blacks out and is replaced with a forest in the early evening, an eerie breeze lifting the dying leaves of a beech tree)
Narrator: Darkness crept back into Middle Earth. Rumor grew of a growing evil-whispers of a nameless fear in the east.
(The camera catches the setting of a sun)
Narrator: When it was sure that it wasn't just another reopening of Montgomery Ward, the movie had confirmed: its time had now come.
(Back in the Misty Mountains, we see the movie bounce off the rocks, clinging loudly as it goes)
Narrator: It abandoned Jenolum.
(The screen blacks out momentarily, but comes back to see the movie lying on the dirt of the caves)
Narrator: But something happened then that the movie did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature-
(We go back to the recording studio, and the Annoying Studio Guy is watching the Narrator apprehensively)
Annoying Studio Guy: A hobgoblin?
Narrator: (Looks up angrily) No, not a "hobgoblin"! Though-that is weird.
(We go back to see the hand of Milbo Baggins touch the movie)
Milbo Baggins: (Sounding very curious) What the heck is this?
(Camera zooms out to catch the face of Milbo Baggins, who is eyeing the movie with curiosity)
Narrator: A hobbit. Milbo Baggins, of the Shire.
Milbo Baggins: (Straightening her glasses, possibly to be sure that her eyes are not deceiving her in the dark of the caves) A movie? A DVD? Hmm? Lord of the Rings-must be a cult classic. (Studies movie carefully) Strange. These two symbols look like a play and stop button. How odd.
(Milbo Baggins looks up abruptly as she hears Jenolum cry out in rage and sadness)
Jenolum: LOST! LOST! MY PRECIOUS IS LOST!
(Uncertain of the danger she is crossing into, Milbo Baggins places the movie in her pocket, while breathing in an out with fear. The camera zooms out to run across the Misty Mountains again)
Narrator: But there would come a time when hobbits would shape the fortunes of all. (The camera still runs across the mountains, even as the Narrator talks, unaware that they are still recording) Boy, what a relief! I'm so tired! My butt's killin' me from sittin' on that stool all day! Can I get some water before I go change? I would just like to-What? (A pause) What do you mean we're still recordin'? (Another pause) But you just-(One more pause and a gasp) Oh crap! Ah, son of a-! (A clicking noise is heard as the recording stops)