He Must Be In Want Of A Wife No, Really, He Must!

by Dead Pan Contest

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that if you are tall, arrogant, proud and dead, you must be in want of a wife. Pride and Prejudice meets SVM.

The Dead Pan Contest

Title:He Must Be In Want Of A Wife (No, really, he must!)

Story parodied: Pride and Prejudice

Characters: Adele Bennet, Sookie Bennet, Tara Thornton, Eric Darcy and Bill Bingley

Disclaimer: The characters, setting and inspiration belong both to Mrs Harris and the divine Miss Austen.

Summary: It is a truth universally acknowledged, that if you are tall, arrogant, proud and dead, you must be in want of a wife. Pride and Prejudice meets SVM.

He Must Be In Want Of A Wife(No, really, he must!)

It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a single man (be he human or Vampire) in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.

However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of Southern families, that he is often considered the rightful property of some or other of their daughters. It was with this maxim firmly in mind that Mrs Adele Bennet invited a Mr Eric Darcy and a Mr Bill Bingley to her home for an evening visit.

Ostensibly they were invited for an after-dinner True Blood and Mrs Bennet's patented "welcome to the neighbourhood" introductory briefing on local etiquette and gossip; but in reality, this invitation was burdened with the weight of an ulterior motive … of the romantic persuasion.

Despite residing in the modern world, and for reasons quite unbeknown to this humble author, Mrs Bennet possessed the antiquated manners, ideals, and speech patterns, of a long dead era (let us say, oh I don't know, circa England, 1813). The business of her life was to get rid (ahem, I mean find a suitable husband for), her much beloved granddaughter, Sookie Bennet. She pursued this activity with a ruthless and incessant resolve, living in a perpetual state of anticipation for the glorious day on which her prize cow would be bought from the market and duly wed.

"My dear, it is too delightful, you will never guess who I have invited to visit with us this evening. No, no, I cannot wait, I must tell you. Two Vampires! Can you believe it? May the Lord save me from the excitement! Such charming men, I feel sure; a Mr Darcy and a Mr Bingley. And, what is more, I have it on the very good authority of Mrs Fortenberry that they each have very substantial establishments. Mr Darcy in particular is said to be very comfortable indeed. One hundred thousand a year … and very likely more …"

Mrs Bennet continued happily on this loquacious tidal wave of gossip and empty speculation for quite some twenty minutes. Thankfully, however, it was beyond even her conversational power to maintain an unbroken monologue on the subject of two men she had met only once, without at least some encouragement from her audience.

Peevishly, she broke off her musings and said to Sookie, "Well, my dear. What say you on this subject? Have I not done well for you? Are you not eager to meet with two such fine gentlemen? At my time of life it is not so pleasant, I can tell you, to be making new acquaintances every day; but for your sake, I would do anything."

Sookie was well accustomed, and long resigned, to her grandmother's habit of foisting strange men upon her at a moment's notice. She did not care for this practice, and she was not optimistic that it was conducive to her own future happiness; nonetheless she was a kind girl, and therefore indulgent of her grandmothers chief pleasure in life, and so she replied as favourably as she knew how. "Well, Grandma, you clearly want me to meet with these gentlemen, and I can think of no great objection to being present."

This, by no means enthusiastic response, was all the encouragement that Mrs Bennet needed, and soon she was happily extolling the virtues of the Vampire over and above the regular human male (" … very clean, my dear, and I dare say they are very handy about the home … and just consider, the wife of a Vampire would only have to cook for one, what a saving she would make on her grocery bill … and of course, Vampires are not always underfoot, my sweet, you would have ample leisure time during the daylight hours … why, you would even have the time to take up the pianoforte!").

Sookie felt compelled at this point to intercede, lest her grandmother should take it upon herself to actually book the church (well, it wouldn't be the first time). Swiftly, and rather sarcastically, she interjected, "I do hope that you are not setting your expectations too high, Grandma. After all, neither may be willing to marry me tonight."

Mrs Bennet was startled by this sudden interruption, but quickly recovered. "Marry you tonight! My precious girl, what can you be thinking? That is not what I have in mind at all. Not at all, I assure you. No one has said anything of marriage. No, my dear, I am just hoping for you to make some good new friends. You must not always be thinking of matrimony. Indeed, as the dear Mr Collins says, 'we are sufficient unto ourselves and the Lord'."

Here, Mrs Bennet felt it appropriate to pause for a brief moment of pious contemplation before continuing. "Although … of course, you never know what may happen. You are a very beautiful young woman; no-one can fail to see that. And even a Vampire must take a wife eventually. But, further than that I will not venture. You are getting quite ahead of yourself, my dear. It is most unladylike."

Sookie, always quick to smile and laugh rather than weep and despair at her grandmothers contrariness, sweetly replied, "Believe me, marriage is very far from my thoughts. Indeed, any man who considered me suitable wife material would quickly fall in my estimation; it would mark him out as a poor judge of character." And with that, smiling all the while, Sookie escaped to phone her chief friend and confidante, Tara Thornton, and beg her presence at the Longbourn farmhouse for later that evening.

Having received a promise of attendance from Miss Thornton, Sookie, under strict instructions from her grandmother, retired to her bedroom to pour herself into a tight white dress, decorated with small red flowers. As with all worthy heroines, our Sookie has a figure that, whilst not unattainable for the average women, is still easy to love and lust after; that is to say, she has curves. Her generous figure is complimented by long thick blonde hair and fine blue eyes; in short, she is attractive enough to cause the reader to wonder at how she has reached the grand old age of six and twenty without catching a suitable husband.

The answer may well lie in her quick temper and keen wit. Sadly, such lively characteristics have a tendency to render Sookie's physical charms redundant in the eyes of any man who would prefer to conduct a relationship with an ornate doorstop, than with a woman of substance and intellect. And, in the Bon Temps Parish, there are many such men. Added to this, the gift of telepathy, which she cannot always disguise, has given her a reputation for mental instability, further dampening her appeal to the opposite sex.

Several, rather fraught, hours later, Miss Thornton had arrived, and the ladies had all dined well on partridge and wood-pigeon pie, accompanied by a vintage Claret. Mrs Bennet was mightily disgruntled at the presence of Miss Thornton, but, as a lady, she was obliged to hold her tongue, and therefore had restricted herself to just the odd fractious comment and sour glance aimed at the object of her displeasure.

"Tara, my dear, it has been some time since we have seen you, we thought that you had quite forgotten us. I must say though, you are looking very well, very … robust …" Here, Mrs Bennet paused to stare significantly at Miss Thornton. "And still no husband? No news along those lines? Why, you'll be a full eight and twenty at your next birthday, I am sure. "

Before Miss Thornton could respond that indeed, there was sadly no news along those lines, Mrs Bennet continued. "Now, my dear, are you quite sure that your mama can spare you this evening. I do so detest the thought of her sitting on her own. Perhaps it would be best if …"

"Nonsense, Grandma" Sookie interrupted hastily, "Of course Mrs Thornton can do very well without Tara for this one evening. She would not be so selfish as to rob her daughter of this chance to meet with two such eligible young men." Sookie turned here to wink conspiratorially at Miss Thornton, who raised her eyes to the heavens; she was well accustomed to Mrs Bennet's eccentricities, and bore them remarkably well.A sharp rap at the door, announcing the arrival of their guests, saved her from further examination.

"My dears, make haste, make haste," cried Mrs Bennet, propelling both the young ladies from the parlour and into the drawing room. "Calm, we must be calm," and with that she pushed Miss Thornton onto the Regency-period reproduction chaise lounge, before positioning herself in her customary affectation by the fireplace. "The door, my love, grant our guests entry," Mrs Bennet hissed at Sookie, before taking out some needlework with which to pose.

Sighing heavily, Sookie complied and moved to the entrance hall. Her grandmother's abundance of anticipatory fervour had exhausted her, and left her very ready to retire for the evening. Any grain of positivity that she had earlier felt towards this coming visit had long since leached away; at that moment, as she paused in the hall, she almost hated these unknown beings, who, in misguidedly accepting her grandmothers invitation, had unknowingly pitched them all into a farce of epic proportions.

Sookie grasped the latch and swung the door open towards herself. She stared, she looked away, and then she stared again; finally she blushed, a deep red stain pooling under the skin of her cheeks, and creeping into her hairline. A faint "oh, my" escaped her lips. There, on her humble porch, illuminated by the light from the hall, stood the most glorious specimen of masculinity that her eyes had ever beholden. Dear reader, how am I to describe this magnificent creature for you?

He was tall and muscled; as tall and muscled as our own, and very dear, Alexander Skarsgard. His nose was straight, his jaw was strong, and his brow well-formed. His lips were generous, and compressed in a hard, determined line. His eyes … oh, his eyes ... they were the dark shadowy blue of a cold, deep ocean, set wide, above high cheekbones. And of course he was blond; his hair was thick and long, and as golden as the day that he had ceased to see. Please, Dear Reader, take a moment … maybe two … and do with them what you wish.

For one long and wholly satisfying moment Sookie felt quite faint as she drank in the sheer radiance before her. It was quite some twenty seconds before her manners reasserted themselves and she was able to gather herself somewhat. For the first time she noticed that she and this God-like vision were not alone in the world. For there, standing next to him, was another, darker, Vampire; almost as tall, almost as muscular, almost as handsome. A true also ran in almost every way. He had but one thing to recommend him over his blond companion: his expression. He was smiling, indeed, he was positively beaming at Sookie, and he looked to be in a thoroughly good humour. This was in stark contrast to his friend, and the principal object of her attention, who was staring at her with what she could only interpret as open disdain.

Directing her comments at the darker of the two, Sookie introduced herself, and invited them into the drawing room, where Mrs Bennet graciously rose to greet them and offer refreshments. Soon they were all comfortably settled with either a True Blood or tea, and it had been established for Sookie and Miss Thornton's benefit that tall and blond was Mr Eric Darcy (one hundred thousand a year … and very likely more), and that his more amiable companion was Mr Bill Bingley.

Conversation ensued, carried on principally between Mrs Bennet and Mr Bingley. Mr Darcy had yet to say one word to anyone; however Mr Bingley more than compensated for his friend, and with his relaxed and voluble disposition he was soon a great favourite with all the ladies.

Glancing around the room Mr Bingley said, "You have a lovely home Mrs Bennet, very graceful, and beautifully proportioned."

"Why, thank you kindly, Mr Bingley. I believe that it is the finest example of an elegant home that the Bon Temps Parish had to offer. Sookie is a very lucky girl indeed, not only in her appearance, which you must admit to be splendid, but also with her situation in life. All this will one day be hers, you know." Here, to reinforce the splendour of all this, Mrs Bennet gestured airily over the soft furnishings.

Before Sookie could spontaneously burst into flames of mortification, and before Mr Bingley could frame a suitable response, both were saved by Mrs Bennet continuing, "My grandson, Jason, also has a very fine establishment, Northanger Abbey, only five miles west of here. Tell me, Mr Bingley, are you at all familiar with this neighbourhood, I cannot recall ever having seen you before."

"I regret to say that I have not been in this part of the world for many, many years now, Mrs Bennet. Although I was born and raised here, I left soon after becoming Vampire, and this is the first time that I have returned in 100 years. I am delighted to find it so unchanged. The area is still charming, quite charming." He looked over to smile winningly at Miss Thornton as he said this, and she blushed … most becomingly.

Conversation proceeded on this gentle and predictable vein, and Sookie allowed it to wash over her as she studied her guests. Mr Darcy was standing perfectly still by the fireplace, no expression evident upon his cool white face. In Sookie's eyes he had sadly lost much of his lustre. He was still quite the most glorious man that she had ever laid eyes upon, however it was clearly apparent that his character was poor. Indeed, he was quite possibly the rudest, most surly man that she had ever had the misfortune to meet. He had still said not one word, and the extent of his participation in the conversation was but four nods of the head; once upon greeting Mrs Bennet, once when accepting a True Blood, once, in reply to Miss Thornton, to indicate that the roads were clear on their drive to Bon Temps, and once, in response to a direct entreaty from Sookie, to agree that, yes, the weather was remarkably fine for this time of year.

As she continued to study Mr Darcy, and mull over the dispiriting fact, that, in life, a thin veneer of promise and beauty could so often mask a rotten centre, Sookie was startled to see him move his eyes from the window and turn them upon herself, catching her stare. She flushed again, feeling caught out, and tried, in vain, to look away. His gaze held her firmly; his eyes may have been the colour of the ocean, which was common enough perhaps, but they possessed its strength and intensity too, which is far rarer. Sookie was trapped there, and for one long and excruciatingly divine moment she was thrilled to be the object of his regard. All at once and all too soon, he turned away, as if bored by her, as if she could offer him nothing that would ever be enough for one such as He. In exasperation and annoyance Sookie turned to Mr Bingley, who was the perfect antidote to Mr Darcy, and who was, she had already decided, amongst the pleasantest and most engaging of all men.

Mrs Bennet, Miss Thornton and Mr Bingley were by now involved in a lively discussion as to the necessity of a new free-way out of Shreveport. Sookie, whilst not particularly wishing to participate in this dullest of subjects, was however, delighted to observe that Mr Bingley was clearly quite taken with her dear friend, and was taking an attentive interest in every remark that Miss Thornton made regarding traffic volume and exhaust emissions, however mundane they may appear to Sookie. Unfortunately, Mrs Bennet had also noticed how often Mr Bingley was directing his eyes and comments towards her granddaughters friend, and took an early opportunity to send both girls off to the kitchen.

"My dears, Mr Bingley and Mr Darcy will be wanting fresh True Bloods, and I could quite fancy another cup of tea, if you would re-fill the pot." Sookie and Miss Thornton reluctantly did as they were bid, leaving the gentlemen at the mercy of Mrs Bennet.

As soon as they had quit the drawing room Mrs Bennet sighed heavily and turning eagerly to Mr Bingley whispered conspiratorially, "Poor Miss Thornton. Her mother drinks, you know; it's an affliction that can ruin a family." Here she paused to give Bill a significant look. "So sad, because she is a good sort of girl really."

"Yes, she seems it," Mr Bingley responded warmly, "I have found her to be quite wonderful company."

"Indeed, it is only a shame she is so plain," Mrs Bennet was quick to answer, alarmed at Mr Bingley's enthusiasm. "And of course her family has no money to speak of."

Mr Bingley looked a little perturbed at Mrs Bennet's poor manners, and not quite knowing how to respond to this unwarranted slur on the charming Miss Thornton's appearance and family, lapsed into silence. The hush was broken from a most unexpected quarter. Mr Darcy spoke for the first time, "Does not your own granddaughter work as a barmaid, Mrs Bennet? I find it most extraordinary that you would deem such employment appropriate." He had fixed Mrs Bennet in his cool stare, and as with Sookie earlier, Mrs Bennet found herself quite powerless to escape.

"Come now, Eric," Bill interrupted, breaking the tension. "You know what girls are like these days, they must have their independence. And anyway, you own a bar. You cannot consider it such an inferior form of employment."

Mr Darcy released Mrs Bennet and turned to Mr Bingley. "You misunderstand me, Bill. I have not expressed my own opinion on the appropriateness or otherwise of bar work. I would require more exact particulars as to the type of bar that Miss Bennet works in, and the type of labour that she undertakes there, before I could form any notion as to its suitableness. I was merely stating surprise that Mrs Bennet should allow her granddaughter to work outside of the home; she does not seem the type." And with this offering, dropped curtly at Mrs Bennet's feet, he reverted to silence, caring to say no more.

Laughing at his friend's irritability, Mr Bingley addressed Mrs Bennet, "You must forgive Mr Darcy, his manners are quite lost when amongst strangers. But I am sure we will all be good friends." Here, Mr Bingley darted a quick nervous glance towards the fire, as if daring his companion to openly contradict this most blatant of falsehoods. Mr Darcy contented himself with emitting a loud but resigned sigh.

Before Mrs Bennet could reply, Sookie and Miss Thornton had returned from the kitchen, and the business of renewing drinks took any remaining awkwardness out of the situation. Upon entering the room Sookie's eyes had immediately been drawn to Mr Darcy, who was still motionless and silent by the fireplace. However, he was no longer staring blankly out of the window, but was now watching her grandmother with an expression of sneering disdain. Sookie worriedly contemplated what her grandmother could have been discussing with Mr Bingley to prompt such an alteration in Mr Darcy's countenance.

"Really, his behaviour is too absurd", Sookie silently brooded. "Why he has bothered to come at all is quite beyond me, and I most heartily wish that he had stayed at home in Shreveport." Indeed, acquaintances of Mr Darcy (and after 1000 years on this Earth he had many), would have been astounded to hear that he had deigned to grace the Bennet's with his presence.

In fact it is likely, nay, highly probable, that Mr Darcy would, ordinarily, have refused Mrs Bennet's invitation with his customary brusqueness as a matter of principle. However, it just so happened that, in the very moment before Mrs Adele Bennet accosted him in the street, he had been lecturing his subordinate, Bill Bingley, on the need to foster good community relations between the Vampire and human populations of his area. Consequently, when the much detested invitation was proffered, his desire to set an example for Bill had momentarily overcome his accustomed habit of scorning all humans … except at meal times.

Sookie would not have been at all surprised had she been privy to the motivation behind Mr Darcy's presence in her home; clearly he was not happy to be there. However, drawing her eyes, with difficulty, from the source of her displeasure, she rested them on a more pleasing prospect. Tara had sat herself next to Mr Bingley, and they were again engaged in a rather intense tête à tête, despite the best efforts of her grandmother. Catching the tenure of Tara's thoughts, Sookie was gratified to find that Tara was very much in danger of falling very much in love with the charming Vampire. Resolving to allow them to talk together as undisturbed as possible, she moved to the fireplace and to Mr Darcy, determined to force at least a drop of civility from him.

"Mr Darcy, my Grandma tells me that you own a bar in Shreveport. That must be an interesting line of work?"He turned leisurely and disinterestedly to look at Sookie; his intention to remain mute clearly written over his smooth and impassive face. He said nothing, just watched her with his wintry eyes. Sookie could feel her temper rising, but decided to give him just one more chance to be courteous, and so asked him a more direct, and pointed, question, "Do you enjoy reading the classics, Mr Darcy? My personal favourite is Pride and Prejudice, are you familiar with the text?"

Mr Darcy slowly raised one eyebrow, as if surprised by her question, but otherwise persisted with his policy of impenetrable silence. Sookie, becoming increasingly infuriated with this one-sided conversation, struggled and failed miserably to maintain her composure, and heatedly continued in a low undertone, "I thought that you must be acquainted with the work as you are clearly labouring under some misapprehension that it is fashionable or amusing to emulate your namesake; to visit at people's homes with a surly, arrogant demeanour; to sneer at your well-meaning hosts; to comport yourself without the least pretence of politeness."

As he watched her his gaze morphed from one of boredom to concentration, and curiosity flickered momentarily in his eyes, caught either by the fire of her tone or the substance of her words. However, he remained immobile, and for a second Sookie thought that he would even now refuse to reply, but finally he did respond, albeit icily, "My attempt at politeness, as you call it, started and ended with my acceptance of your grandmother's invitation. I do not know to whom you refer when you talk of my namesake, and I do not care to find out, but I do not appreciate being compared to what I can only assume is some fictional human male of limited social skill."

These were the first words that Sookie had heard him utter; his voice was rich and deep, and was at odds with the coolness of his words. It was a voice for battle-cries and laughter, not disdain and sarcasm. It did little to soothe her. "I'll have you know," Sookie responded slowly, emphasising every word, as if conversing with a particularly stupid and unpleasant child, "I was referring to a Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy, of Pride and Prejudice." Had he really not heard of the most dashing and delicious of all romantic heroes, and with whom he shared his name? He fell even lower in her estimation.

"And to answer your earlier question, Madam, I'll have you know that I only read classical Nordic works."

Sookie was barely able to restrain an unlady-like snort of amused derision. "Classical Nordic works?" She quickly added 'pomposity' to her internal list of Mr Darcy's 'attributes'. Silence again descended upon the pair. Sookie glanced quickly towards the other members of the party, but it was evident that they had not been attending to her and Mr Darcy's exchange. Tara and Mr Bingley were engrossed in each other, and Mrs Bennet had stepped out of the room to fetch more drinks.

Turning back to Mr Darcy, Sookie was startled by the intensity of his stare upon her. As before, his eyes caught and held hers easily, sending a thrill through her body that reached her toes.Sookie, although better prepared this time, was struck afresh by the power of his physical presence; his masculinity and power, coupled strangely with his beauty. Her heart-rate accelerated and a prickly warmth spread under the tight lacings of her dress, heat pooling in most unexpected areas. Drawing a deep breath she moved her eyes from his, and, determined to sever the intensity of the moment, stared resolutely out of the dark window into the night sky. They stood for some time without speaking a word; and Sookie began to imagine that their silence would last through the remainder of the evening, and she resolved not to break it. However, she suddenly fancied that it would be greater punishment for Mr Darcy to oblige him to converse with her, and so, turning back to him she said, "Well, we may as well decide upon something to talk about. It is quite odd us standing here together like this in total silence."

To her surprise he replied almost immediately, "Do you always talk by design then?"

"No, not always, but for some people it is best if conversation is arranged so that they may have the trouble of saying as little as possible to each other, and with the least amount of effort."

"And do you imagine you are gratifying my feelings by doing this, or merely your own?"

"Both," Sookie retorted archly, "for I have seen a great similarity in the turn of our minds. We are each of an unsocial, taciturn disposition, unwilling to speak, unless we expect to say something that will amaze the whole room." Sookie looked over at him, to see how he had received her sarcasm, and was amazed to see that a small smile had edged into a corner of his mouth.

"That bears no striking resemblance to your own character, I am sure," said Mr Darcy. "And as to my own, I would not care to say."

Sookie was rescued from further conversation by the return of Mrs Bennet, who, determined to break-up the cosiness which was fast developing between Mr Bingley and Miss Thornton, insisted that Sookie should come join them, as a most unwelcome third, on the sofa.

Their guests lingered for a further forty minutes from this point, although Sookie was certain in her own mind that Mr Darcy (who had reverted to a strict code of silence) would be off immediately if he had his way. As it was however, Mr Bingley kept the ladies amused with endless stories of local Vampires and Vampire politics, and indeed, seemed positively reluctant to say farewell.

However, at last, the Vampires took leave of the ladies. Mr Bingley gallantly thanked them all in turn for their hospitality, and clasped each of their hands to kiss, hovering for longer than necessary over Miss Thornton's. Thus, Mr Darcy was forced by his friend's show of good manners, to follow suit, however reluctantly. Sookie was the last to receive this unexpected and quite unwelcome adieu. Muttering, "A pleasure," Mr Darcy bowed and reached for her wrist, quickly drawing it up to his mouth, where his cold lips brushed the back of her hand for a brief second, before he promptly dropped it.

However brief the contact, in those few moments, and as sometimes happened, Sookie was surprised by an unwanted insight into Mr Darcy's thoughts, "Her blood has an unusual aroma … perhaps it would be worthwhile after all …"

Sookie glanced up at him in amazement; he was studying her intently, with a renewed interest, rendering her suddenly nervous. Rousing herself, she stared back at him in defiance. "No," she heard him decide, "She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me". Sookie felt herself flush with anger and embarrassment, and had to swallow back an angry retort which threatened to escape her. "How dare he?" she thought furiously, "He will not get one drop of my blood, even if he were to ask in a gentlemanly-like manner ... even if he were to beg me on his knees!"

The gentlemen having left, Sookie found herself alone in the kitchen, watching out of the window, as she finished the last of the washing up. Although the sun had long since sunk below the horizon, a strange reflection of an earlier light was still playing across the purple clouds above the house, as if heralding a coming storm. The air smelt of rain too; sweet and thick, and uncommon in Louisiana at that time of the year. She had used this time alone to dwell on the Vampire who had so unnerved her; who had attracted and repelled her in equal measure. She had thought of his discourtesy, his abruptness, his indifference to her. She had thought of his physique and his face, and the feel of his lips on the back of her hand, and the tingle of electricity that accompanied it. Shivering from the frisson that had run over her skin, Sookie gathered together her wandering thoughts and left the sanctuary of the kitchen.

Soon, the ladies were happily ensconced on the Regency-reproduction sofa, drinking yet more tea, and discussing their first Vampire visit. They found that they were in complete agreement on every point; Mr Bingley was universally liked and admired and could not be praised highly enough, and Mr Darcy was roundly abused by all three.

Mrs Bennet, it can be imagined, was particularly vocal in her dislike. "Why, I do declare, quite the proudest, rudest and most unpleasant gentlemen I have ever met with. I quite detest him. And for all his one hundred thousand a year (and very likely less), it has not bought him manners, and it will not find him a wife … and then where will he be? I hope to never set eyes upon him again."

Mrs Bennet looked over at her Granddaughter, shaking her head and sighing. Her cow had not been bought that night, and she was very much afraid that it would forever be destined for the Longbourn pasture. However, it was not in her nature to despair, and she still had high hopes both for Mr Bingley and Mr Collins, the latter having shown considerable, if unreciprocated, interest in Sookie on previous occasions. And of course, there was always Mr Merlotte.

Miss Thornton, a good-hearted girl, was perhaps the most charitable of the three towards Mr Darcy, and conceded that, "Whilst there can be no excuse for such conduct of behaviour, Mr Darcy's good-looks, position in the Vampire community, and, great wealth, should in fact give him every right to be proud."

"That is very true," replied Sookie to herself, "and I could easily forgive his pride, if he had not mortified mine!"

Sookie retired to bed that evening harbouring in her heart a most un-cordial feeling towards Mr Darcy, as well as a most determined desire to never meet with him again. However, she went to sleep that night uneasy with a suspicion that their fates were star-crossed, and that he would be a presence in her future. And, as it happens, she was entirely correct.

xxVxxVxx

Epilogue: They meet again. They clash repeatedly. He falls in love with her beauty, the liveliness of her mind, the scent of her blood. Nothing can induce her to change her opinion of him as one of the most unpleasant males of her acquaintance. He asks her to marry him and be his bonded, in spite of her failings as a human. She refuses him indignantly. He performs for her, in secret, an invaluable service. She discovers this. She mellows. She is impressed by the size of his house. She mellows more. He asks for her hand a second time, as only a Vampire violently in love would ever deign to do. She accepts. Mrs Bennet is beside herself with joy, and begs that he might forgive her earlier dislike of him. One hundred thousand a year, and very likely more! And they live Lemony Ever After.

xxVxxVxx

Authors Note: As you may have noted from the epilogue, I had originally intended for this to be a much longer piece, encompassing the entire Pride and Prejudice storyline. However, real life and the universe in general, conspired against me, and I realised that to write such an extended story was not possible within my time constraints. Therefore I have decided to submit just our lovers first meeting as my entry to the Dead Pan Contest, and I may post the completed story on my profile page at some point in the future.