"Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindess; according to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity; And cleanse me from my sin." Erin listened to the young man read Psalm 51, feeling the weight of the words settle around her soul.
As the priest gave his homily, she felt Dave reach for her hand. She clasped it tightly, holding on to it throughout the message. At the end, they went up for Communion and the ashes. As the priest made the Cross on her forehead, Erin felt herself tear up and he smiled gently at her. "Bless you, my child."
"Thank you, Father." She made her way back to the pew and knelt to pray, as she waited for her Davie. When he reached her side, he helped her to stand, walking her to the car. "Davie?"
"Yes, my rose?" he asked as he opened to door for her.
"I'm not doing well today." It hurt to admit to the struggle she was facing, but he seemed to just take it in stride, resting his hand on her shoulder. She tried to look away from him, but he cupped her face, forcing her to stare into his eyes. They were full of love and compassion, and the tears just started to fall. "I love you?"
"I love you." He pulled her into a tight hug, rubbing her back in soft circular motions as she cried. It didn't take long to calm her, and she turned her head to kiss his cheek. "You know, we have the Seal, Erin."
"I know; it still doesn't assuage me completely. Will I ever lose this guilt?"
"Not as long as you hold on to it. You have no reason to feel ashamed to be around Hotch. Okay?" Hesitantly, she nodded and he stepped back to look into her eyes. "You've done to very best thing of all by not mentioning anything to the others what happened last week. You were the bigger person, Erin. It just proves you've changed. And I love you so much, my sweet rose." He kissed her then, and helped her into the car.
By the time they'd gotten to the Academy, she found herself feeling a little better, having read through her devotional and focusing on how to make the day a good one. "Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity," she whispered as she stepped out of the car and made her way to David's side.
They walked to her office together and Heather grimaced up at them. "Good morning, Ma'am. I tried to tell him he couldn't wait in your office, but he wouldn't listen to me. I'm so sorry."
"Who's in there, Heather?" she asked, drawing close to Dave. He rested his hand on her hip, and she found that the possessive grip calmed her immensely.
"Agent Hotchner. He seems agitated, and wouldn't accept that you were going to be a little late, due to it being Ash Wednesday. He just said he'd wait. Oh, Ma'am, I tried…"
Erin held up her hand and the young woman fell silent. "It's all right, Heather. He has a way of getting what he wants." She felt herself smile and watched the girl relax. The one bright spot of her rehab stint, besides her new friendships, was her better working relationship with her assistant. "And if you'd like, get us Greek for lunch?"
"Yes, Ma'am." She went back to her work and Erin clasped Dave's hand as they entered her office. Aaron was seated on her couch, his hands folded, his head bowed. Dave cleared his throat and he looked up at them, his brow furrowed.
"Good morning, Aaron. What can I do for you?" Erin said, her voice even and measured, trying to sound calmer than she felt. She took a seat behind her desk, setting her briefcase on top of her desk.
He took a deep breath and stood, going over to the desk and taking a seat across from her. Dave rested his hand on her shoulder and she felt greatly comforted by the gesture. "It's been a week since the incident. You didn't tell anyone on my team about what happened that night."
He paused and she shrugged. "And?" she prodded, wanting to know what he was driving at.
"Why?"
It was such a simple question, and yet it completely threw her off guard. She breathed in and out a few times, trying to collect her thoughts. "There was no point in doing so. I don't want there to be animosity in your team. Our private squabbles are just that – private."
He met her eyes steadily and nodded. "I'm sorry for how Beth treated you."
It was an honest statement and she nodded in return, feeling the bitter sting of tears. "Thank you."
"Is that all you have to say, Hotch?" Dave's hand tightened around her shoulder and she glanced up at him, taking in the tight, hard, look on his face.
"No, Dave." He tensed up, looking away from her to stare at a space on her desk. "I've come to ask for your forgiveness as well, Erin. In the two months since you've been with Dave, you've changed, in a good way. And then," he paused again and they waited for him to continue. "And then I almost ruined everything."
"There was no way you could have ruined this, Aaron. I have a wonderful support system, something I never thought I'd have in my life after everything that happened." He looked at her and she felt her face relax into a smile. "But as long as you're here, I do have something I need to get off my chest."
Aaron cocked his head and just stared at her. "What is it?"
"You're the last person I have to make amends to, Aaron. As I told the others, I let something else control my decisions, how I acted, and I should have used my better judgment. I'm sorry for endangering you and your teams with my reckless actions." She sighed and looked up at Dave, a few tears escaping down her cheek.
"I know I haven't made it easy for you at ask that of me, Erin. But I do forgive you. You have a monkey on your back that I can never begin to understand. Though I do like Beth. You would think, being a curator, she would see things in shades of grey…"
"I'm not asking you to be my friend, Aaron. I just want to ensure we have a smooth working environment. I know there have been times when you and Dave had butted heads in regards to me, and I want that to stop. There are much more serious things to focus on." Slowly, Aaron nodded and she took a deep breath, trying not to burst into tears. "Be happy with Beth, if that's what you want. God knows you deserve a spot of sunshine in your life."
His brow furrowed once more. "Thank you." He stood and went to the door. "We'll be briefing a new case at 10:30, Dave."
"I'll see you then." The moment her door was closed, she gave in to her tears, turning to Dave and resting her head on his stomach. His hand rubbed her back in comforting circles and she closed her arms around his waist. "What is it, my rose?"
"I don't even know. I cry at the drop of a hat these days. I'm not pregnant, don't worry. I can't have any more children." She drew in a quavery breath and rubbed her cheek against him. "It seems I've lost my strength, Davie."
"Tears are not a sign of weakness, Erin. You've held your emotions in for far too long." He stepped away from her and knelt to look into her eyes. "You are still a strong woman. Think about it, could someone weak ask for Hotch's forgiveness? Or grant him absolution for his horrible behavior?"
"I suppose not," she said quietly.
"And you're a better person than I am. I would not have let him off the hook so easily. He hurt you deeply."
"If I hold on to the hurts, I'll never move on. As long as you're by my side, I'm going to be all right." She leaned forward and he kissed her softly. "We're having Greek for lunch, and there's always too much. Why don't you bring Penny up around one and we can all eat together."
"That would be really nice, Erin." He got up and took a seat on her sofa. "So, will you tell me the story about why you can't have any more children?"
"Maybe someday, but not at the moment. I'd rather not cry once more today. Why does repentance hurt so?" she mused, picking up the first file from the stack in front of her
"I suppose if it didn't, we wouldn't mean it. That's how I knew Hotch was sincere. It pained him to apologize to you," he said as he took a file out of his bag. "Your cross is smudged."
"I think I left some of it on your shirt, honey." He nodded and brushed the excess off, smiling at her. "You don't have to stay with me. I'll be fine now. My heart feels a million pounds lighter."
"Are you certain? It doesn't bother me to be with you."
A soft giggle escaped her lips. "Sometimes a woman likes being alone, David. It builds up the anticipation."
"Until lunch, then." He stood, shoving the file back into his bag. "I'm only a phone call away."
"I know. And I'll see you in a few hours with Penny." She stood and went over to him, wrapping her arms around his waist and pulling him tightly to her. "I'm not struggling as much now, Davie. My burden has lifted."
He nodded against her head. "I'd been a lapsed Catholic for so many years until Carolyn and then you. You've opened me back up to my faith, Erin. Thank you." They took a deep breath at the same time and she let hers out slowly.
"And you've loved me, despite all the flaws I have. Rehab may have brought me closer to God, but it also brought me you. Now go, before I lose my resolve and keep you by my side." She kissed his cheek lightly. "And tonight, I'll want to hold you in my arms until I fall asleep. I love you."
"I love you, too." He kissed her lips softly and then left the room. She sat back down at her desk and began to work, humming a hymn under her breath. She loved this happy ending that was fast becoming her life.