How can you tell I'm hurting?
If you cant see my pain….
To wear it on my body
Tells what words cannot explain!
I guess you are wondering how and when this all started?
Well it stared the day I was born… sounds silly doesn't it….
You see dad didn't really want kids at first as he was too busy with the restaurant….then I came along…..
TIMOTHY SPEEDLE
24th JUNE 1973
5lb 10oz
00.08
That day was my mom's happiest day and I guess sit should have been dads but hey how wrong was I.!!!!
Any way as you already know diary things got worse as I got older…..
I started self harming I suppose to escape all the trouble at home……
Well here goes….
DAY 1:
Mom and Dad were fighting today….
Dad got so mad at her he ripped the phone off the wall and threw it at her like he was pitching a baseball!!!!!
Seeing this really scared me…..
DAY 2:
Mom was taken to hospital today… the doctors say she has Lupus… In other words she's breaking down…. Its dad's fault but instead as usual he's blaming me!
So you see that no matter what iI did or tried to do it was always gonna be my fault. So I decided to put into words how I felt……
MY HIDDEN PAIN.
As I sit alone at night
I get an urge
That I can't fight…
The urge I feel
Gives me the need
T o grab a razor
Cut and Bleed
As I sit and stare in awe
I get the urge to Cut some more
When I start to Cut some more
I hear a noise
Coming from beyond my door
Take a look beyond that door
The Noise
My Life
Are BOTH
No More!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MY WORLD:
My world is full of anger
My world is full of pain
My world is full of helpless cries
I'm screaming out in pain
My world is full of suicide
My world is full of cuts
My world is full of hurting myself
My world is full of blood
My world is full of violence
My world is full of wars
My world is full of self destruction
There's nothing to live for
My world is full of death
My world is full of doom
My world is full of destruction
The end is coming soon
Tears are falling down my cheeks
But my tars are red
All my life I've suffered
All my life I've bled
Now I sit here silent
My hands holding my head
As I sit here crying
I cry tears of blood.
WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY?
The blade digs deeper and deeper
Into the wound as the blood trickles down
Why do I have so much pain inside?
When will people see me for who I really am?
Now listen closely as I let you into my world:
I'll let you into my little secret
I f you promise not to tell
I have demons locked up inside of me, which constantly give me grief
These demons are my past
They will never let me sleep
The thought II get in my head
You may think are sick
But these are the thoughts I get
Going through my brain day by day
Until I go to bed
That's where they turn to nightmares instead.
Plus I feel the world is out to get me
Like what's the point in me being here?
When all I feel is pain inside
What's the pint of me being here?
When all I do is live in fear.
Everyday I fear to live but another day
Thinking that if I just slice my wrists
Would all my pain and grief fade away?
Or will forever it stay??
One of these days I'll wake up and be gone…
Until that day
I will sit and wait for the day I die to come.
……………………………………………………………………………………......
How ironic is that……….
I became the person I am today to prove my demons wrong… I thought that if I could do some good then maybe the world would be a better place……..so I became a CSI and started working at the Miami Dade Crime lab.
For once in my entire life I have friends that like me for me……If only they knew my past…….then they probably wouldn't….. I'll be honest I still self harm just not as regular as I used to…… I felt bad the other day, this is because at work Calliegh asked me why do always wear long sleeves/ I couldn't answer her because if I did then my terrible secret would be out and Id become the scared vulnerable lad I once was……. And I cant risk that…….. Luckily for me I keep you well hidden diary so when they do come round after work they never find you so will never know about my secret or where I keep my little friends (my razors)… mind you Eric came close to finding them the other day I really think I Should move them from the drawer in the coffee table….. well How as I to know he'd wonder what it was…….
Any way diary I really should get going I have a wound to dress and im already late for work………. Speed x