August 14th, 2010
I've never written a journal before and quite frankly this seems a little strange to me, putting thoughts down on "paper". So what made me decide to do this? One word, actually two: Annie Walker. That woman could convince me to do almost anything. We were talking the other day and the subject of my 30th birthday came up, the end of one decade the start of another. She asked me how I felt about it and I told her that I didn't really think much about my birthday, well unless they were specific turning points like 18 and 21. You can try to make an argument for 25, seeing as rental car prices go down because they think you're finally responsible enough, but that's pushing it. Anyway, she didn't like my answer and somehow got me to seriously think about and reflect on the past ten years. When I did, I realized that a whole shit-ton of things went on in my twenties. At the end of our conversation I actually felt like it really was ending an era of my life. Then she told me an idea that popped into her head as we talked and I reflected. She was going to chronicle her life in more than just pictures and keepsakes. She wanted her thoughts and feelings preserved too, not every day but maybe starting with her 30th and every ten years from then. Since she's only turning 29 this year, she couldn't start and emphatically and excitedly suggested that I do something similar. Her words are still clear as day in my head "It'd be like a word filled time capsule. Wouldn't that be cool to look back on Auggie?" Sure, but I'm not big on feelings and writing. She scoffed at me and told me I'd regret it one day when she would have all these great memories and ruminations and I had none. Actually, that didn't bother me but her fingers were intertwined with mine and the fact that she was thinking about us still being friends (if not more) decades from now, well that made me really happy, so I caved. She's not going to read this, but I don't intend to lie to Annie if I can help it. That was a long explanation. I guess I should start with the "reflections" now.
So, it's my birthday. Well, my birthday is actually almost over since its 11:45pm. I'm officially thirty. We had a small celebration at the DPD. I don't particularly like this kind of attention. The past couple years have just be a smattering of cards and a gift certificate here and there and I rather liked it that way. This year however, they had cake. At least they didn't all sing happy birthday. I knew this was Annie's doing though, so I actually enjoyed it. I don't know why she's able to influence me like that. We are best friends though, but you know how they say men and women can't be best friends without developing feelings for each other? I think it's true. I mean, in the beginning things really were platonic, no matter how much we cared for each other. But lately…lately the winds have been shifting and I don't think it's just me. I've noticed how her breath catches when we're really close to one another. I've noticed how her gentle touches send my senses into overdrive. Maybe platonicity (yes I made that word up) is just phase one of the male-female best friend dynamic. We're approaching phase two and I don't quite know what it is. I guess that's reflection number one, but I'm going out of order.
So, I was a student at MIT in my early twenties. College was college, occasional parties, drunkenness, school and girls. Though, speaking of girls…I had my first love then, Evie Yin. (Her real name is Evelyn Li, but I won't go into that, I mean I know the story and who else is going to read this but me anyway?) I really thought she was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with and I think if things had gone differently, we would probably be married now. But things went the way they did and my life is probably worlds different than what it would have been. I think there is truth to those warnings in time travel stories/movies about risks with messing with the past. One event can really change the course of history, on a small and personal scale and potentially on a larger one. Evie left to join the CIA overseas just shy of a year after we had been together. She had thought we could keep in touch, but being an operative turned out to be far more complicated than she thought. This was in hindsight though. I didn't know she joined the CIA, so I never heard from her and didn't know why. I was really depressed about losing her but my heart eventually healed and ironically, I joined the CIA shortly after graduation, working in Special Forces. It didn't pay much, but the danger and thinking on my feet fed the adrenalin and tech junkie in me. I met Natasha during this time. She was the first woman since Evie that I let myself fall for, and I fell hard, again. The CIA denied my request for a close and continuing though, so I cut off all contact, even though it killed me. I found out soon after that the FBI had her in a sting and I couldn't even warn her, which is why I ended up taking a post in Iraq; to get as far away from it all as I could, to get my mind off of her and what I couldn't do to stop her from getting caught and the pain that I had caused. Sometimes I feel like I can't really fall in love because I'm afraid the second I do, something will happen and she'll be taken away from me or I'll have to leave her. I ask myself sometimes why I don't just man up and tell Annie how I feel and just ask her out, this is why. Men heart's can be broken too, though some women don't believe it possible.
At the time, Iraq seemed like a good idea and it did help me forget a little, but sometimes I wish I had just listened to Joan and come back when she had asked me to. Little did I know my whole future may have hinged on whether or not I decided to come back to the states. I told her I wasn't ready. I didn't go home. Instead, I got blown up in Tikrit and came back blind. You know what I said earlier about one event changing the course of history? I don't know which it was, Evie leaving me or my decision to stay longer in Iraq, but one of these landed me here, behind a desk at the DPD, head of tech ops, not-sanctioned for field work because, well…I can't see. A black void greets me every second of every day. I say I'm used to it now, it has been three years, but I don't know if I'll ever completely accept it. Yes, I'm a confident person – I'm comfortable with who I am, I know I can't change the past and so I march on. But the truth is, I don't ever feel whole and not a second goes by that I don't miss my sight. Every tap of my cane, every swing of my laser, every pass over my Braille display, every physical description I'm given reminds me of what I've lost. You really don't know what you have until it's gone.
I try not to dwell on it too much, but sometimes you just can't help it. On the other hand, sometimes I wonder if this is where I am supposed to be. Surprise! I can be an optimist too. I might not have ever met Annie, and she is by far one of the most amazing people I have ever come across. Fiercely loyal, brave, intelligent, compassionate and quite gorgeous I am told. This does worry me slightly, given my track record, but maybe the bad luck has ended.
I don't know what this next leg of my life holds for me, but I really hope it's not as ego bruising and emotionally challenging as it has been. I think I deserve some calm in my life.
-August Anderson