A Chance Meeting
A deleted scene from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy screenplay by Douglas Adams, ghostwritten by Chris Casino
For Douglas Adams, God bless you, may you rest in peace
INT. MILLIWAYS - BAR
Ford Prefect and Zaphod Beeblebrox sit drinking at the bar. Both of Zaphod's heads are considerably drunk. A wheezing sound is heard outside the restaurant.
FORD
Zaphod, old mate, did you hear something?
ZAPHOD
(Very drunk) Yeah, I just heard Eccentrica Gallumbits ask me for a romp again, Ford. I remember sucking on her triple breasts for two days the last time and it was great.
FORD
No, but I mean, it sounded like... Oh, never mind.
EXT. MILLIWAYS
The object that Ford heard reveals itself to be THE FOURTH DOCTOR's TARDIS. MARVIN THE PARANOID ANDROID stands there, exasperated.
MARVIN Oh, dear, how do you park this thing? What a depressingly complicated problem. Abracadiodeloservosystems.
The TARDIS door opens. Marvin goes into it.
INT. RESTAURANT
THE FOURTH DOCTOR, wearing his typical long, multicolored scarf and hat, and ROMANA #2 approach GARKBIT, THE WAITER.
GARKBIT Good evening madam and gentlemen. Have you a reservation?
FOURTH DOCTOR Yes, under the names Doctor and Lady Romana.
ROMANA How clever of you, Doctor.
Garkbit leads them to the table. The Doctor glances at the far end of the room at FORD and ZAPHOD, who have now been joined by TRILLIAN and ARTHUR DENT. His eyes squint in recognition.
FOURTH DOCTOR
Would you excuse me for a moment, Romana?
ROMANA
Of course.
The Doctor walks over to Arthur, Ford, Zaphod and Trillian. He taps Ford on the shoulder.
FOURTH DOCTOR
Ford Prefect and Zaphod Beeblebrox!
Ford and Zaphod turn and stare at the Doctor in confusion, Ford because he can't remember this tall drink of old Janx Spirit in front of him and Zaphod because he's totally plastered.
FORD
Do we know you, buddy?
FOURTH DOCTOR
The last time you saw me, I had just graduated the Academy, stolen my TARDIS and headed for Betelgeuse Five because I knew it was the last place they'd look for me. And I had a different body.
CLOSE UP on Ford. His eyes boggle.
FORD
(Happily; Now he remembers) Our old flatmate, the Doctor! You old son of a bitch, how the hell are ya?
The Doctor and Ford embrace. The Doctor looks at Zaphod.
FOURTH DOCTOR
Hello, Zaphod. Gee, I like the extra arm, old man.
ZAPHOD What's up, Doc?
Zaphod staggers to pick himself up and hug the Doctor, but he collapses into his arms.
FOURTH DOCTOR
(Amused)
Same old Zaphod, 'eh, Ford?
Ford and the Doctor plop Zaphod back in his chair.
FORD
(Chuckles) Yeah.
(Looks at Arthur and Trillian)
Oh, hey, Doctor, these are some friends of ours from Earth. This is my friend Arthur Dent.
ARTHUR DENT
(Puzzled)
Hello.
The Doctor shakes Arthur's hand.
FOURTH DOCTOR
Oh, yes, I remember Ford wrote me all about you while he was on Earth.
FORD
And this is Zaphod's girlfriend, Tricia McMillan.
TRILLIAN You can call me Trillian.
The Doctor kisses her hand.
FOURTH DOCTOR
Enchanted.
ARTHUR Are you from Ford's planet, Doctor?
FOURTH DOCTOR
No, no, dear fellow. I just hid out there for a few odd years with Ford and Zaphod when I was on the run from my own people. Ford and Zaphod had an advertisement up for a flatmate on a supermarket board and based upon our interview, they knew in an odd way, I'd fit right in with them.
ARTHUR
(Though he doesn't really)
Oh, I see.
The Doctor stares at Arthur's red bathrobe ensemble.
FOURTH DOCTOR You know, Arthur, if you'd like some more clothes, I have some on my vessel.
ARTHUR
I'd be delighted, Doctor.
FOURTH DOCTOR
And Ford, if you'd care to bring your semicousin with you, I have a device that can sober him up.
FORD
Can we keep it, please? Just in case both of us need it.
The Doctor laughs. He loves these guys.
Arthur leans to Ford.
ARTHUR
Psst, Ford?
FORD
Yeah?
ARTHUR
You and Zaphod really shared a flat with this guy? He seems so unlike you. He's so knowledgeable and so unlike a party animal.
FORD
Well, in our own ways, the Doctor and I are a lot alike. We're both intergalactic travelers willing to explore. But whereas he's always out to save the Universe and battle evil...
ARTHUR
You and Zaphod are always out for the parties, the triple breasted whores and the Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters?
FORD
(Impressed) You pick your moments, mate, but you sure know Zaphod and I.
Arthur stares after Ford placidly as the Doctor leads the group back to the table. The Doctor and Ford grab Zaphod just before they do. Ford looks at Romana.
FORD Ooh, who's that?
FOURTH DOCTOR
(As he balances Zaphod in his arms) Forget her, old chap. She's not your type.
FORD
What, too serious?
FOURTH DOCTOR
Exactly. Romana, I'd like you to meet my old flatmates, Ford Prefect and Zaphod Beeblebrox. This is my assistant, Romana.
ROMANA
The Hitchhiker's Guide researcher and the fugitive Galactic President?
FORD
Hello.
FOURTH DOCTOR
And this is Ford's friend, Arthur Dent.
ARTHUR
(Takes Romana's hand) How do you do?
ROMANA
Mr. Dent.
TRILLIAN
I'm Tricia McMillan. Zaphod and the others know me as Trillian.
Romana and Trillian stare at each other for a second.
ROMANA/TRILLIAN
(In unison)
I love your outfit!
They laugh together.
INT. TARDIS - DOCTOR'S BEDROOM
The Doctor leads the group into this room which has a very large chair in it that looks like an electric chair. A neatly made pile of clothes sits on the bed. He and Ford put Zaphod in the chair and strap him in. The Doctor pulls a nearby switch and all sorts of Frankenstein-esque electrodes go off. Two seconds later, it all stops and Zaphod raises his head and blinks his eyes open.
FOURTH DOCTOR Zaphod? Are you okay, chum? How do you feel?
ZAPHOD
Doctor!
Zaphod breaks free of the chair and extends his hand for a high-five.
ZAPHOD
Hey, dude, put it there!
The Doctor and Zaphod high-five.
ZAPHOD
And there!
They do it with his second arm.
ZAPHOD
And there!
And now with his third arm.
FORD
You feel better, Zaph'?
ZAPHOD
Yeah, I think so.
FORD
Good, 'cause we really should be going.
ARTHUR Wait, I have to try on some new clothes! I can't run around the Universe dressed like this!
FORD
Okay, but make it quick.
Arthur goes into the bathroom.
CLOTHES MONTAGE:
#1: He comes out dressed like William Hartnell's Doctor.
The Doctor, Ford and Zaphod shake their heads: "No way!"
#2: Patrick Troughton.
The Doctor, Ford and Zaphod laugh their asses off. Arthur hangs his head down in shame.
FORD
(Whispers) Whatever happened to that Master bloke who was always chasing you?
FOURTH DOCTOR
I defeated him supposedly for good in my last life, but if I know him, I haven't seen the last of him.
#3: Jon Pertwee.
Arthur stares at the trio hopefully.
FORD
No, no, Arthur. It's just not you.
#4: He's now dressed in a polyester sweater hiding a blue button-down shirt, black pants and brown shoes. He shrugs, as if to ask, "Did I get it?"
FORD
Much better, Arthur. Now we must be going.
FOURTH DOCTOR Might I implore you to stay a while and have some tea?
ARTHUR
(Excited; Ford and Zaphod groan)
Tea!
FORD
Doctor, you said the "T" word in front of Arthur!
Suddenly, everything goes black.
ZAPHOD
What the hell's this?
A MINI-FLASHLIGHT, that is revealed to be held by the Doctor, shines in their faces. We hear O.S. rumbling, grinding old metallic gear.
ZAPHOD
Marvin! Is that you?
MARVIN
What do you want?
FOURTH DOCTOR Who's that talking?
ARTHUR
That's The Heart of Gold's electronic sulking machine, Marvin.
FOURTH DOCTOR
Sirius Cybernetics product?
FORD
Yup.
FOURTH DOCTOR
Those butchers just don't know when to call it a day, do they?
ZAPHOD
What happened to the lights?
MARVIN
Well, I came in here to learn how to try to park this ship. I was very bored and depressed so I talked to the owner's console.
FOURTH DOCTOR
You talked to my console?
MARVIN
Yes. And it hated me for talking to it.
FOURTH DOCTOR What happened?
MARVIN
(Deadpan)
It committed suicide.
FOURTH DOCTOR K-9!
In the darkness, we vaguely see K-9 Mark II appear.
K-9 Yes, Master?
ARTHUR A robot dog?
FOURTH DOCTOR
Yes, he's very handy. Loyal and chipper, too.
ZAPHOD
Now why can't we have a robot like that?
FOURTH DOCTOR Can you fix the console, K-9?
K-9
Affirmative, Master. My calculations estimate that it will take 3 minutes and 46 seconds just as long as I can avoid conversing with the very old, very boring robot before me.
MARVIN
Flattery will get you nowhere!
The Doctor hands Ford his flashlight.
FOURTH DOCTOR
If you use this, you can find your way out, Ford. Good luck to you all.
FORD
Thanks, Doctor. It's been a pleasure seeing you again.
FOURTH DOCTOR
Yes, let's keep in touch.
Trillian and Romana make kiss-kiss noises as the group exits the room. We hear the grinding of gears again. A few seconds later, the power comes back on.
FOURTH DOCTOR
Life's never dull with Ford and Zaphod, Romana. They're a pair of extraverted thrill-seekers.
ROMANA
Takes one to know one, Doctor.
The Doctor shoots his toothy grin at her.
FADE OUT
A deleted scene from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy screenplay by Douglas Adams, ghostwritten by Chris Casino
For Douglas Adams, God bless you, may you rest in peace
INT. MILLIWAYS - BAR
Ford Prefect and Zaphod Beeblebrox sit drinking at the bar. Both of Zaphod's heads are considerably drunk. A wheezing sound is heard outside the restaurant.
FORD
Zaphod, old mate, did you hear something?
ZAPHOD
(Very drunk) Yeah, I just heard Eccentrica Gallumbits ask me for a romp again, Ford. I remember sucking on her triple breasts for two days the last time and it was great.
FORD
No, but I mean, it sounded like... Oh, never mind.
EXT. MILLIWAYS
The object that Ford heard reveals itself to be THE FOURTH DOCTOR's TARDIS. MARVIN THE PARANOID ANDROID stands there, exasperated.
MARVIN Oh, dear, how do you park this thing? What a depressingly complicated problem. Abracadiodeloservosystems.
The TARDIS door opens. Marvin goes into it.
INT. RESTAURANT
THE FOURTH DOCTOR, wearing his typical long, multicolored scarf and hat, and ROMANA #2 approach GARKBIT, THE WAITER.
GARKBIT Good evening madam and gentlemen. Have you a reservation?
FOURTH DOCTOR Yes, under the names Doctor and Lady Romana.
ROMANA How clever of you, Doctor.
Garkbit leads them to the table. The Doctor glances at the far end of the room at FORD and ZAPHOD, who have now been joined by TRILLIAN and ARTHUR DENT. His eyes squint in recognition.
FOURTH DOCTOR
Would you excuse me for a moment, Romana?
ROMANA
Of course.
The Doctor walks over to Arthur, Ford, Zaphod and Trillian. He taps Ford on the shoulder.
FOURTH DOCTOR
Ford Prefect and Zaphod Beeblebrox!
Ford and Zaphod turn and stare at the Doctor in confusion, Ford because he can't remember this tall drink of old Janx Spirit in front of him and Zaphod because he's totally plastered.
FORD
Do we know you, buddy?
FOURTH DOCTOR
The last time you saw me, I had just graduated the Academy, stolen my TARDIS and headed for Betelgeuse Five because I knew it was the last place they'd look for me. And I had a different body.
CLOSE UP on Ford. His eyes boggle.
FORD
(Happily; Now he remembers) Our old flatmate, the Doctor! You old son of a bitch, how the hell are ya?
The Doctor and Ford embrace. The Doctor looks at Zaphod.
FOURTH DOCTOR
Hello, Zaphod. Gee, I like the extra arm, old man.
ZAPHOD What's up, Doc?
Zaphod staggers to pick himself up and hug the Doctor, but he collapses into his arms.
FOURTH DOCTOR
(Amused)
Same old Zaphod, 'eh, Ford?
Ford and the Doctor plop Zaphod back in his chair.
FORD
(Chuckles) Yeah.
(Looks at Arthur and Trillian)
Oh, hey, Doctor, these are some friends of ours from Earth. This is my friend Arthur Dent.
ARTHUR DENT
(Puzzled)
Hello.
The Doctor shakes Arthur's hand.
FOURTH DOCTOR
Oh, yes, I remember Ford wrote me all about you while he was on Earth.
FORD
And this is Zaphod's girlfriend, Tricia McMillan.
TRILLIAN You can call me Trillian.
The Doctor kisses her hand.
FOURTH DOCTOR
Enchanted.
ARTHUR Are you from Ford's planet, Doctor?
FOURTH DOCTOR
No, no, dear fellow. I just hid out there for a few odd years with Ford and Zaphod when I was on the run from my own people. Ford and Zaphod had an advertisement up for a flatmate on a supermarket board and based upon our interview, they knew in an odd way, I'd fit right in with them.
ARTHUR
(Though he doesn't really)
Oh, I see.
The Doctor stares at Arthur's red bathrobe ensemble.
FOURTH DOCTOR You know, Arthur, if you'd like some more clothes, I have some on my vessel.
ARTHUR
I'd be delighted, Doctor.
FOURTH DOCTOR
And Ford, if you'd care to bring your semicousin with you, I have a device that can sober him up.
FORD
Can we keep it, please? Just in case both of us need it.
The Doctor laughs. He loves these guys.
Arthur leans to Ford.
ARTHUR
Psst, Ford?
FORD
Yeah?
ARTHUR
You and Zaphod really shared a flat with this guy? He seems so unlike you. He's so knowledgeable and so unlike a party animal.
FORD
Well, in our own ways, the Doctor and I are a lot alike. We're both intergalactic travelers willing to explore. But whereas he's always out to save the Universe and battle evil...
ARTHUR
You and Zaphod are always out for the parties, the triple breasted whores and the Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters?
FORD
(Impressed) You pick your moments, mate, but you sure know Zaphod and I.
Arthur stares after Ford placidly as the Doctor leads the group back to the table. The Doctor and Ford grab Zaphod just before they do. Ford looks at Romana.
FORD Ooh, who's that?
FOURTH DOCTOR
(As he balances Zaphod in his arms) Forget her, old chap. She's not your type.
FORD
What, too serious?
FOURTH DOCTOR
Exactly. Romana, I'd like you to meet my old flatmates, Ford Prefect and Zaphod Beeblebrox. This is my assistant, Romana.
ROMANA
The Hitchhiker's Guide researcher and the fugitive Galactic President?
FORD
Hello.
FOURTH DOCTOR
And this is Ford's friend, Arthur Dent.
ARTHUR
(Takes Romana's hand) How do you do?
ROMANA
Mr. Dent.
TRILLIAN
I'm Tricia McMillan. Zaphod and the others know me as Trillian.
Romana and Trillian stare at each other for a second.
ROMANA/TRILLIAN
(In unison)
I love your outfit!
They laugh together.
INT. TARDIS - DOCTOR'S BEDROOM
The Doctor leads the group into this room which has a very large chair in it that looks like an electric chair. A neatly made pile of clothes sits on the bed. He and Ford put Zaphod in the chair and strap him in. The Doctor pulls a nearby switch and all sorts of Frankenstein-esque electrodes go off. Two seconds later, it all stops and Zaphod raises his head and blinks his eyes open.
FOURTH DOCTOR Zaphod? Are you okay, chum? How do you feel?
ZAPHOD
Doctor!
Zaphod breaks free of the chair and extends his hand for a high-five.
ZAPHOD
Hey, dude, put it there!
The Doctor and Zaphod high-five.
ZAPHOD
And there!
They do it with his second arm.
ZAPHOD
And there!
And now with his third arm.
FORD
You feel better, Zaph'?
ZAPHOD
Yeah, I think so.
FORD
Good, 'cause we really should be going.
ARTHUR Wait, I have to try on some new clothes! I can't run around the Universe dressed like this!
FORD
Okay, but make it quick.
Arthur goes into the bathroom.
CLOTHES MONTAGE:
#1: He comes out dressed like William Hartnell's Doctor.
The Doctor, Ford and Zaphod shake their heads: "No way!"
#2: Patrick Troughton.
The Doctor, Ford and Zaphod laugh their asses off. Arthur hangs his head down in shame.
FORD
(Whispers) Whatever happened to that Master bloke who was always chasing you?
FOURTH DOCTOR
I defeated him supposedly for good in my last life, but if I know him, I haven't seen the last of him.
#3: Jon Pertwee.
Arthur stares at the trio hopefully.
FORD
No, no, Arthur. It's just not you.
#4: He's now dressed in a polyester sweater hiding a blue button-down shirt, black pants and brown shoes. He shrugs, as if to ask, "Did I get it?"
FORD
Much better, Arthur. Now we must be going.
FOURTH DOCTOR Might I implore you to stay a while and have some tea?
ARTHUR
(Excited; Ford and Zaphod groan)
Tea!
FORD
Doctor, you said the "T" word in front of Arthur!
Suddenly, everything goes black.
ZAPHOD
What the hell's this?
A MINI-FLASHLIGHT, that is revealed to be held by the Doctor, shines in their faces. We hear O.S. rumbling, grinding old metallic gear.
ZAPHOD
Marvin! Is that you?
MARVIN
What do you want?
FOURTH DOCTOR Who's that talking?
ARTHUR
That's The Heart of Gold's electronic sulking machine, Marvin.
FOURTH DOCTOR
Sirius Cybernetics product?
FORD
Yup.
FOURTH DOCTOR
Those butchers just don't know when to call it a day, do they?
ZAPHOD
What happened to the lights?
MARVIN
Well, I came in here to learn how to try to park this ship. I was very bored and depressed so I talked to the owner's console.
FOURTH DOCTOR
You talked to my console?
MARVIN
Yes. And it hated me for talking to it.
FOURTH DOCTOR What happened?
MARVIN
(Deadpan)
It committed suicide.
FOURTH DOCTOR K-9!
In the darkness, we vaguely see K-9 Mark II appear.
K-9 Yes, Master?
ARTHUR A robot dog?
FOURTH DOCTOR
Yes, he's very handy. Loyal and chipper, too.
ZAPHOD
Now why can't we have a robot like that?
FOURTH DOCTOR Can you fix the console, K-9?
K-9
Affirmative, Master. My calculations estimate that it will take 3 minutes and 46 seconds just as long as I can avoid conversing with the very old, very boring robot before me.
MARVIN
Flattery will get you nowhere!
The Doctor hands Ford his flashlight.
FOURTH DOCTOR
If you use this, you can find your way out, Ford. Good luck to you all.
FORD
Thanks, Doctor. It's been a pleasure seeing you again.
FOURTH DOCTOR
Yes, let's keep in touch.
Trillian and Romana make kiss-kiss noises as the group exits the room. We hear the grinding of gears again. A few seconds later, the power comes back on.
FOURTH DOCTOR
Life's never dull with Ford and Zaphod, Romana. They're a pair of extraverted thrill-seekers.
ROMANA
Takes one to know one, Doctor.
The Doctor shoots his toothy grin at her.
FADE OUT