Another Songfic for my beloved Kakashi. And wow this one is depressing. By the way, my computer crashed and I lost everything. (D: WAAAH, all my unpublished documents! My work in progresses! All gone! AARG so frustrating!) Kakashi reflects on all that he has lost. As he dies after the invasion of pein. I'm skipping the long talk with his dad. The song is Never had a dream come true by S Club 7.
Breathe… he told himself.
In, out.
Ignore the tightness of your chest.
Ignore the sting of your wounds.
Forget about how chakra depletion is draining your life away. Just work on breathing… no, it was slowing again. His vision was blurring and his throat was closing up. He could feel the blood seeping from his wounds, and the numbing sensation spreading through his body.
He blinked slowly. The world closed up around him. One last shallow breath leaves him.
The he is still.
Everybody's got something they had to leave behind
The wind whispers around his lifeless body. A breeze ruffles his silver hair, but he does not stir. His soul had already dispersed to life after death. Leaving his broken body behind.
When he awakens, he is on the water. Shocked to find himself in a thirteen year olds body, he closes his eyes. He bows his head. His hands clench into fists at the unwanted memories that surge forth.
Then he sinks.
Older now, he lets the water envelope him and pull him into the depths. He feels it tugging at his mind; he feels it dragging him down. He lets himself go.
He opens his eyes to survey the scene before him. He sees the next generation of shinobi, a ripple in the pool of life. He sees their smiling faces; he wonders how long they will stay like that.
He only wishes to tell them goodbye, and to thank them for the lessons they taught him. He had gone where they will not follow for a long time.
He will wait for them. Until they join him, each saying goodbye to their own generation of shinobi. Each with their own life story to tell.
And he will listen to their tale. He will remember them. He can only hope that they do the same.
One regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time
Who was he? He was an emotionless tool. He was a sensei, a teammate, a son, a friend, a lover, a leader an ally, a rival, a warrior, a fighter, a survivor, an enemy… a jerk.
He let them die…all of them. He was blind to it all. His precious people, they needed him, he wasn't there. And when he was there he was useless.
He couldn't stop his father from killing himself. His father was a hero. He saved his team. But he still left Kakashi all alone. Was death really better than staying with his son?
He couldn't stop Obito from throwing himself in the path of the boulder that was for him. He should have died. Not Obito. Obito made him promise to protect Rin. Obito was lively and warm hearted and accepted everyone. He did not deserve to die. Kakashi was a mean, cruel, and dull. It should have been him.
He couldn't stop Rin from throwing herself in the path of the blade that was meant for him. He held her as she died. She had told him it was to protect someone she loved. So much blood… how could someone so small bleed so much? Rin made him promise to look after sensei. Sometimes he could still see her blood staining his hands on the anniversary of her death.
He could not protect Rin.
He broke Obito's promise.
He could not stop his sensei from sacrificing himself for the village. He couldn't stop the fox from coming. He couldn't stop his sensei from performing the seals. He could only watch as the man who had selflessly looked out for him, loved him like the father he never had, crumple to the ground.
Dead.
He broke Rin's promise.
He couldn't protect sensei. Minato made him promise to watch over his son. But Naruto was still in that cold, unforgiving world. Where there was no one to protect him. Where he was vulnerable and lost.
He broke his promise to sensei, he couldn't watch over Naruto.
He had promised himself that he would never be so useless again. But he had broken all his promises. Even to himself. Useless, utterly useless. He can't look at himself without the guilt. And through it all, he did not shed a single tear.
There's no use looking back or wondering, how it could be now or might have been.
He had put all his effort in his last battle. He had tried every trick he knew. But it still wasn't enough. It was enough to prevent Chouza's death as well many other Konoha shinobi. They did not need to die.
He always gave it one hundred percent; he always fought with everything he had. But everyone was still gone. Kakashi was all alone. Patched up over the years, with mismatched eyes, one that saw red, one that was cold black.
With a broken spirit, and a broken heart. With shame and guilt and pain as mentors. With memories burnt into his mind and fear buried in his heart.
He didn't need anyone. He didn't want anyone. Bonds were unnecessary, ruined lives were always the result. Emotions lead to failure. That was the consequence. Many times of error had proved this to Kakashi.
But by then it was too late for him anyway. He was the aftermath. He was the remainder. He would never lose again. He would never disappoint himself like that.
That was Kakashi's flaw, he neglected his heart. In order to fix your mind you must start with your heart.
His team. That was where Kakashi had begun to mend. That was where he began to face the past.
They were just like them, Obito, Rin, and Sensei. Take Naruto, loud, loyal, cheery, blunt, slow, but he accepted everyone as equals. Just like Obito. But the son of Minato. He had Minato's looks and easy smile. He had inherited the love of ramen and could prove that hard work would get you far.
Then Sakura, compassionate, gentle, sweet, honest and caring. Rin. She lived in her. They moved the same, healed the same, and loved the same.
Nest was Sasuke, he was expressionless, emotionless, bleak, mellow, but sharp and had a good sense of strategy, he was cold and critical, he was intense and hard, but had the intelligence to match. He was Kakashi's younger self. But an uchiha, similar to Obito.
Finally Kakashi, he had somehow found himself settled into Minato's old role of sensei and had his laid back attitude. Though he had a lazy appeal, he had experience weighing him down and knowledge to show for it. He had skill and the physical strength to prove it. He was capable, and people expected great things from him.
And so, Kakashi had found his worst memories reincarnated into the souls of three young children. Old nightmares haunted him, almost forgotten memories taunted him. H
is life was a disaster, a tragedy. And he had lived in fear of his former self. In the shadows, where dread feeds on fear, where anguish torments him, and where sorrow rules over pleasure. No one to comfort him, no one to catch him when he fell. Just emptiness. Frosty and hollow, swirling in a deep gloomy hole in his heart.
A gap that nothing could fill. A loneliness that lived within him. A wound forever bleeding, a blind spot, an empty plea, a hand reaching out to hope, but always fell short, too far away.
Too hopeless.
Kakashi's wretched life was a curse. And he was chosen to live and suffer in it. Along with his worthless accomplishments and meaningless dreams. Nothing could give him what he desired most. He was just too far gone.
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you know
He missed them terribly day after day. They completed him. But they still left him. They still abandoned him to this cruel world. His spirit was shattered, his heart was crushed.
The day was dragged out of him. Everywhere he turns they are there.
A father and his son at the park, feeding the birds. He wanted that. He wanted to know that there was someone that cared about him. He hadn't been cared for in a long time.
They were the teacher and the students bonding together at lunch, laughing and joking. He wanted that. He wanted to join them and laugh along, and just feel happy again. He hadn't been happy in a long time.
Two young boys walking together on the road, side by side, looking out for each other, there for each other. He wanted that. He wanted someone to be there for him. He wanted to be at ease and relaxed, just like that. Thing would be simple, and he would just be accepted for who he was.
They were the young couple, in the shade of a tree, looking like the world was fine, and everything was perfect. There was nowhere they'd rather be, no one they'd rather be with. He wanted that. He wanted to know that there was someone who needed him. He hadn't been needed in a long time.
Someone to tell him he wasn't alone. And give him that warm feeling again. He had been cold for a long time.
Sakumo had made him feel smart, and talented. Sakumo made him feel special. He made his father proud.
But Sakumo was gone. He was left with only his lessons to remember him by, and the sword that took his life. There were some lessons you never forget.
Minato gave him the guidance and compassion a father should have. Minato had made him feel wanted.
But Minato was gone. He was left with only his legacy to remember him by, and a picture of a time when the team met, the time when they had looked at each other and immediately thought the same thing, "This guy is going to slow me down".
They had turned out to be a team of winners.
But there were some legends you never forget.
Obito had made him realize what a fool he had been. Obito was the one to open up his eyes and teach him an important lesson in the process. Obito was brave and he gave Kakashi the true meaning of a hero. A hero does what's right. Obito had given him a friend he had never had.
But Obito was gone. He was left with only his code to remember him by, and a sharingon. Selfless duty means sacrifice. There were some codes you never forget.
Rin gave him a lover he had never had. She had made him feel important, and truly happy. Rin gave him the compassion and kindness he needed to open up his heart. Rin had shed light in his dark days. Gave him something to live for, a gentle touch to ease his pain.
But Rin was gone. Kakashi was unsympathetic and distant as before, only her sweet laughter, echoing in his mind brought him back. He was left with only her memories to remember her by, and a locket.
They had shaped him out to be the man he was today, and although it hurt him, he was eternally grateful.
I've never had a dream come true, till the day that I found you
Kakashi drifts… he lets his mind wander… his vision starts blur… a hand reaches out to him, and it looks like…his hand.
It gently takes his and pulls him up. He lets it guide him, it leads him. It is Obito. And then it's Rin. And sensei. The hadn't forgotten him. They remembered, they came back. He knew they would. He knew it, he was loyal. He wanted them to know it too.
He looks into their smiling faces. They each give him their own unique form of the same forlorn smile.
He looks at sensei. The man that taught him so much. The man that eased him into the world when he was alone. The man who came back for him. The man who had stood by his side when things were dark. The man who unconditionally loved him like his father never could. Sensei would have been a good father to Naruto. Minato give him a crooked grin, and fades, leaving blue stars glittering in his wake.
Kakashi blinks in remorse. He turns to Rin. The pleasant small girl shared the same torn smile. The little girl who was scarred with fate, whose heart was twisted by destiny. Who came into Kakashi's life like a delicate angel. Who showed him love and honesty when all he knew was hate and lies. This little girl was precious, and depended on him to guard her from the horrors of the world. Who was his only love.
What was the result? Beauty and passion and what happens when two people love each other very much. (Note: not a baby)There is always one who is bitter and detached in the end. Rin would have made a great mother. Rin gives him a warm smile, and withers into the shadows. Sapphire gems glimmer where she stood moments before.
He blinks in melancholy remembrance of their time together. He keeps his eyes downcast. Not wanting to look at the last face, not wanting to see if there would be anger or regret in his eyes. It was all his fault. All of it. He had failed. He slowly lifts his gaze.
Obito gives him a knowing and sympathetic nod. This little boy….this young man had changed him. He had argued and was always in Kakashi's shadow. He was an outcast. He was a disgrace of his clan. But his words had struck hard and deep into Kakashi's heart.
He put his life on the line for those words. He lived for those words. Sacrificed his life for those words. He died for those words.
He had such a sunny attitude, and was funny and made people around him smile. He had a warm aroma to him that made people chuckle and lightened up the mood. He stood by what he believed in. He fought for what was right. He was a hero. He saved them all.
But Kakashi couldn't save him. Kakashi had let him die along with all the others. He let them down. He was miserable without them. But he still couldn't do it. They all relied on him, called to him, reached for him, he turned his back.
But maybe, with Obito's friendly smirk, Rin's sincere smile, and Minato's hospitable grin, he would begin to forgive himself. Maybe Kakashi could travel the road of healing, with his comrades by his side.
And everything would be alright… almost.
Even though I pretend that I've moved on, you'll always be my baby
Kakashi would have come for them. Anywhere, anytime. He would have trekked across the world for them, because they were the world to him. He would just drop what he was doing just to make sure you were okay.
Because in his mind, everyone and anyone was better and more important than him. He was like that. But they beat him to it every time.
He would die for them, but they all died for him instead. He was pretty sure he was a barren wasteland at heart.
They put a spark in his eye, and a spring in his step, the fire died out and he trudged and dragged his feet.
They gave him laughter, he cried.
They gave him a smile, he scowled.
They included him, he walked away.
They hugged him, he pushed them away.
They pulled, he pushed.
They didn't give up, he gave in.
They saw the cup half full, he saw it half empty.
They were loud and fun, he was quiet and dull.
They were innocent, he was guilty.
They were the sunshine, he was the rain.
They were the flower, he was the weed.
They were brave, he was scared.
They were nice, he was mean.
They were tomorrow, he was yesterday.
They were right, he was wrong.
They were the sunlight, he was the storm cloud.
They were the beauty, he was the tragedy.
They were vivid, he was faded.
They were the love, and he was the hate.
They were healing, he was pain.
They were the daydream, and he was the reality.
They were late, he was early.
They were perfect, he was a disaster.
They were whole, he was missing a piece.
They were there, and he was gone.
They were outgoing, he was dreading.
They were a team, he was a loner.
They procrastinated, he got things done.
They were mellow, he was angry.
They were peace, he was war.
They forgot, he remembered.
They forgave, he avenged.
They were broadcasting, he was keeping to himself.
They were weeping, he was screaming.
They were gentle, he was harsh.
They were honest, he was lying.
They were wise, he was reckless.
They were fast, he was slow.
They were rash, he was thoughtful.
They were patient, he scoffed.
They were special, he was ordinary.
They were useful, he was useless.
They called, he ignored.
They won, he lost.
They fell, he stood.
They perished, he survived.
They died, he lived.
They found him, he was lost.
Mix it all together and what do you get?
A legend.
They left him, and he was alone, but he survived.
Some heroes are the underdog. Some are students of the masters. Some are prophets, some are merely omens. They gave him a reason to live, and a reason to go on. So Kakashi would answer the call.
It was the least he could do.
I never found the words to say, you're the one I think about each day
A part of him knew that he would never get over them; he needed them to fix him. So they could prevent his breakdown. Help him, heal him. Reassure him; tell him he's not to blame.
He shouldn't lie to himself. But he just couldn't do it anymore. He would waste away, without his missing parts. He needed their support to see him through. His grief would bring him lower until he hit rock bottom. Then there would be nowhere to go but up.
Kakashi was very good at hiding things. He hid his despair, his doubt, his truth, his eye, even his face he kept covered up.
He kept his heart under lock and key after many trials and errors. He kept his emotions hidden away. He kept his personal options shoved under the bed.
He didn't care. He was aloof while his mind was thick with worry. He was breaking. Day after day pieces of him would chip off, until he was hollow and would surely collapse under pressure.
But he kept going. Now with the help of three guardians angels, preparing to turn him inside out. Preparing to give all his secrets away. Nothing to hide for it was all coming out. Here was where it ends; here was where he crossed the line. His own personal border. One that he had never dared to think of trespassing.
Safe within his mind, he had to prepare and break free. He had to spill and confess and let loose. Now was the time. He was just beginning to warm up to them too.
Then destiny tore them from his grasp. It caused him to quickly retrieve it all and suck it back up into his heart. Push it away and never look at it again.
To cry at night, alone in the dark. With no one the hear him. No one the comfort him.
To cry out all his frustration and guilt. To pour out all of his fears to the world. To not have anyone care. To not even have the time of day for you and thinking over and over.
"They would have cared, they would have helped me."
But they were gone. Kakashi had to fix his own crushed morale. He didn't even have the energy to force a smile and blink away the tears.
He could have laughed if he was in higher spirits, he was supposed to be fearless, but he was finding it hard not to frown as a question lingered on his mind. If he was such a strong person why was he breaking down?
He was never a good enough person for them, they had moved on and left him behind… broken and confused. In a cruel and strange world. They were the ones with all the answers, but he couldn't use their advice.
He needed them to show him, he wanted to beg and plead with them not to leave him here. He just wanted to run away… they would have encouraged him and told him he could make it. But they were gone and the truth was painfully clear.
If he were to run there would be no one to run after him. No one to call him back, no one that cared.
He would just keep running and no one would miss him when he was gone.
And I know no matter where life takes me to, a part of me will always be with you
He had thought, he had known that without them. He would break. He would fall apart. They were his glue. They kept him together.
And without glue, you just have a bunch of pieces. Too confusing and complicated, but once you start looking at the whole picture to see what it's supposed to look like, it starts to make a little sense.
You have to start on the outside and work your way in. You had to find all the missing parts. You had to be careful with his fragmented will, it could hurt you. You have to find all the pieces first and work on the border.
Then you can look for the more complex ones. Ones that are hidden and harder to find. Ones that are secret. But you must know what to do will the secrets, where to keep them, and who to tell.
You must read the instructions. Then you can use the map to direct yourself around a maze of a ruined core. Though at the moment you don't tell anyone of what you discover. This is yours.
It took you a long time to get here. It took a lot of effort to weasel your way into the heart of the puzzle. But you did it. You didn't cheat. You didn't give up on this hopeless cause. You did it.
And maybe while you're here you can teach this mess how shape up and make things a little easier for the next determined set of minds that try to crack him open and spread warmth into this depressing and desolate atmosphere. You can't help but feel a smudge of pride at your work.
You remembered seeing this mess of hostility and damaged segments and thinking of how lost this one is. You wonder about how he could live with it all. But you know deep in your heart. It tells you what you don't want to hear but it is the truth.
This place would become even more destroyed and cold than it had been when you got here if you left. And you can't stay here forever. You look at all your efforts to help this wreck, and how far you've come.
But you know you're just hurting him more in the end. It rips out your humanity, it turns on you and demands to know how you thought you could do this to him. How you could leave him so lonely.
How you can rip it all away when he's grow so much? He's learned, he's tried to fix himself. But it's impossible alone. He gave up on himself. He became disappointed and let himself get into such a state.
But you can't let that happen, you refuse to acknowledge that all of your efforts had been in vain. But that's what happens.
And you can't watch as you see the downfall of everything you've worked so hard for.
You can't bear to watch as everything falls apart; it breaks your heart to see him want you, to see him call for you when you know you can't answer.
He's forced to live in the mess you've made. Empty and grief stricken.
It looks like you've done more harm than good. And you understand why people don't even try anymore. How they can just watch him wallow in self-pity, and not care, and not help him as he pleas, because they know that it's better for them, and even if it makes them feel selfish and cruel, it's better for him too.
It hurts you, and you can't help but think that you've created a monster.
Somewhere in my memory, I've lost all sense of time
He hoped no one could see the pain he hid behind his broken eyes. Every day was another mistake; every look in the mirror was a reminder stabbing him with despair.
No matter what happened to him, no one would care, he would just keep pretending. But it was hard to play pretend day after day, it got tiring.
Pain doesn't hurt when it's all you've ever felt. He wanted to cry out all his frustration and collapse under all the pressure.
He didn't want to keep pretending to be the brave jounin, the one to always find a way out.
But sometimes he couldn't. He wanted to just forget about his pride and reputation and just have people remember that he was human too.
He would let the tears slid down his cold face, he would let them drop to the ground and he would let lose all that he was holding back. He would cry tears of regret and confusion. He would cry for all the times he could not.
People always said that hate was a strong word, but so is love and they throw it around like it was nothing. The someone got careless and threw it at him, expecting him to play along. What they didn't know was that he had never loved before, and this was something new. No one had told him the rules and how unfair it was. Then he got bitten and recoiled into the shadows for a long time.
He still hadn't come out yet. They had felt sorry they gave him something he wasn't ready for.
They had forgotten about him in about a week. But Kakashi never forgets. He never forgot about her beautiful face or her sweet angelic laugh or how he had it all just to have it taken away from him.
Everyone, with the exception of a few, hailed him as a great and powerful jounin. If they could see him cry like he wished he could they would deny that it was even truly him, and that would hurt more than any of the unwanted praise they gave him.
That's why he hid from the world. He didn't want their praise or their glory... he wanted them to forget he even existed. He was no great ninja... A great ninja would be able to save his comrades, and his friends, and not have to bear the scars of loss.
A great ninja wouldn't have to hide behind a mask, because a great ninja would be able to face the world. He had fallen from grace and he wasn't quite sure if he wanted it back or not.
Everyone was going to hurt you. Was it worth it? Who was worth the pain he dreaded would follow? Love was like lightning, you get struck once and it kills.
The hardest thing is holding on when you know that everyone else has let go. And you're left dangling, when you know that everyone else has moved on. And you're all alone.
But he couldn't break, even after it all; he had to somehow push through it all. He bends but doesn't break. He needed someone to see him through. He didn't want to be forgotten.
He lives in the past, in the memories. He is afraid to face the present, the nightmare. He dreads the future, where his mind can run free and think up traumatizing realities.
He wishes someone would have taken the time out of their day just to see how he was.
Even though, if they ever asked, he wouldn't know the answer.
And so my road can never be cause yesterday is all that fills my mind
His heart had told him to give up, but his mind wouldn't let him. He wanted to forget about it, but he would never forget.
He saw the next generation surpass him, he lived through it all, and even though they're long gone, he still thinks about them every day.
Most people would have already got over it, and let them rest in peace, but he can't force himself to do such a thing. He doesn't know if they watch him, or if they ever listen, but he still wanted them to know how deeply sorry he was. And he could never find the words.
Even though the past is stale, it still replays fresh in his mind. Memories most people would have forgotten, but Kakashi never forgets. He never forgets the horror or the trauma.
He would never forget his childish view buried with misunderstanding. He would never forget them, one by one; they had earned a place in his heart.
Inside he was dying. More and more every day, a piece of his old self was rotting off.
He saw his new team seven, how they were painfully like them. And he watched them fall apart and struggle to keep themselves in one piece. But he had learned that sometimes it's better to leave things broken than hurt you trying to put them back together.
It was easier to hurt every day, than waste the effort of trying. It was easier to lie than waste time telling the truth.
Somewhere deep in his mind, something told him, a frail whisper in his head, that no one cares if he was miserable, so why was he wasting his time when he could be happy?
Maybe he would have picked up a few things over the years, maybe something would have stuck in that stubborn mind of his… good things don't last forever. It was an aching reminder when you have someone in your mind and in your heart, but you can't have them in your arms.
His whole world came crashing down around him. He didn't want to smile like nothing was wrong, talk like everything's perfect, act like it was all a dream. The worst part was that he knew this would happen, he knew it all along.
All he wanted was to look into their eyes, and see acceptance gazing back. But he was crumbling away into nothing, and his hollow morale would collapse until he was blown away by the gentle wind of fate.
It would embrace him and sweep him into the corner, where he would waste away and cry on the inside. All he wanted was for someone to look him in the eye after he told them he was fine and say "Tell the truth."
It was a part of life, it was cruel, but life would go on. Even if he couldn't.
Some bonds grow stronger, others wither.
Some are born with power, others must earn it.
Some fight with nothing to loose, others sacrifice.
Some legacies are written in stone, others are yet to me written.
Alliances are formed as a hero makes his comeback.
His eye snaps open. Shock and disbelief is on his mind as the world fills with color.
He was back…? That was impossible.
He barely heard Choji's exclamation as he stared in wide eyed bewilderment. Tsunade's slug came into view, promising to explain everything. Kakashi looks at her, not really seeing her. His mind is reeling with exhaustion and confusion.
He had questions swirling in his head and worry in his eyes. What happened? He was dead. He was sure of it. He blinked and gazed at the sky. A pale sky stretched out above them as the shinobi of all kinds crawled from the rubble.
The cries of the survivors echo around the deathly silent wreckage of what used to be their village, their home.
Ignoring those who try to explain, he keeps his gaze locked on the indigo sky, lost in blue.
His thoughts moving too fast for him to concentrate. He was so close too, he had seen them. They were gone again he had grasped happiness just to have it ripped away, because it was never really his.
One clear thought enters his head, one he clings to because it is the only thing that makes sense. He was back once again, and here he would stay.
He knew that they would wait for him, for an eternity if that's what it took. He was almost there. They would just have to wait a little longer for their soldier to come home.