I can't take full credit for this story (and I take no credit for the characters whatsoever), so here's a couple people that I owe things to:
Credit to the amazing writer Vietta for her story "Gettin' Lucky" (Go read it if you haven't, otherwise this might not make much sense XD), which is the inspiration for Reno's paperwork prank, and to the awesome reviewer TsumeLover666 for her comment about certain "government" organizations...and some alien guts XD
Beware the allusions to other stories! Including my story "Ordinary Day" and, as I mentioned above, Vietta's "Gettin' Lucky" X] (There's also a quick one to Vietta's "How Do Unicorns Have Babies?" Go read that, too, if you get the chance!)
Originally, this was just going to be a short oneshot, but it looks like this has grown into a two or three-chapter story haha Also, this is one of the first stories I've written entirely in third-person O.o Hope this works...! More to come soon! Reviews really do help!
So what would happen if Tseng accidentally got transferred out of Shinra for a day or two? Well, he did. And here's what happened...
-I. Plotting My Revenge-
"Reno, I mean it, man. I am not going along with another one of your dumb schemes."
The red-headed Turk smirked at his sunglass-wearing partner. "Come on, we gotta get revenge, right?"
"You always gotta get revenge," Rude said, shaking his head. "Just what, exactly, are you getting revenge for now?"
"Remember when we crashed that helicopter in the field, and I went looking for four-leaf clovers?"
"Who crashed the helicopter?" Rude asked, raising an eyebrow.
Reno shrugged. "Okay, so I crashed the helicopter. Anyway..." He gestured to Rude to answer the question.
Rude sighed. "Yeah, I remember."
"And remember how we were explaining to Tseng when we got back the reason why we were late?"
"Yeah..." Rude wondered where on Gaia his inane partner was going with this ridiculous questioning.
"And then he kept sayin' how you wish on eyelashes and all that crap, and not on four-leaf clovers..."
"Reno, if there's a point to this, get to it, will ya?" I swear, Rude thought, if Elena were sitting in here with us, she would've killed him by now. Not that she hasn't tried before, but...
"Alright, alright," Reno said, waving his hands in surrender. "So then I punched you, and you punched me 'out of reflex'...?" He made air quotes around the very phrase Rude had used to describe his assault on Reno's nose.
Rude pushed his sunglasses up on his nose. "That was out of reflex. Anyway..."
"Yeah, so, anyway," Reno continued, getting more and more excited as he reached the climax of all this questioning. "So that happened, and then Tseng fell over laughing?"
"Uh-huh..." Rude said, getting more and more bored by the second.
"And then he went to the security tapes and made copies of the punch...and circulated them all around Shinra?"
Rude chuckled, remembering that he himself had a copy of his well-placed (not to mention timed) punch.
"It wasn't funny, man," Reno said through clenched teeth.
"Maybe not to you," Rude said, smirking.
"You almost broke my nose!"
"You were saying...about the videos..." Rude said, redirecting the subject.
Because of Reno's short attention span and his amazement at his own genius plan, Rude's plan worked.
"Oh, right, so I have to get revenge on Tseng for giving out those video tapes of me getting socked by my own partner!"
"For your dignity's sake, right?" Rude asked dryly, leaning back in his office chair.
"Hey, your dignity's at stake here, too!" Reno said, leaning forward over his desk.
Rude blinked at Reno (which Reno was oblivious to because of Rude's sunglasses). "...Why is my dignity at stake?"
Reno sighed exasperatedly. How the hell is he not seeing this? he wondered annoyedly.
"We are the best team the Turks have," Reno said, jabbing his pointer finger onto the top of his desk. "Do you have any idea what people have been saying about us since that little incident? It's giving Shinra a bad name."
Rude lowered his sunglasses an inch, and peered over them, giving Reno a look.
Reno knew Rude was giving him a look, and didn't even have to turn to see. He threw his hands in the air. "Okay! So it's giving Shinra a worse name!"
Rude pushed his glasses back up on his nose. "So how is getting revenge creating a better image of Shinra?"
"Anywayyyyy!" Reno near-shouted.
Rude shrugged. "Well, I might as well ask what your plan is, seeing as how you'll just bug me about it until I ask. Either that or you'll just tell me anyway."
Reno looked at Rude, offended at his comment. "I would never-" He cut himself off, thinking. "Actually, yeah, you're right, I probably would."
Rude nodded. "So what's the plan?"
A mischevious grin spread across Reno's face. "I swear, this is so brilliant, even I am amazed."
"If it's such a brilliant plan, whaddaya need me for?" Rude asked.
"Because I know absolutely nothing about paperwork," Reno said, unashamed of the fact.
"As shown by that ever-growing pile of work on your desk," Rude said, nodding toward the stack, which was precariously perched on the corner of Reno's desk, ready to fall at any given moment.
"Aren't you going to ask me what the paperwork's for?" Reno asked, grinning again.
Rude sighed. "What is the paperwork for, Reno?"
;;;;;
"Tseng?" Elena asked, looking up from a report she was filling out. "Where are you going?"
"The President has asked to see me," Tseng replied, turning back from the door to look at her.
Elena looked at the confused look on Tseng's face. A shiver ran up her spine. Tseng never looked confused. Ever.
"What about?" she asked.
"He didn't say," Tseng said. "It's probably another complaint about Reno running around the building, or that he's overdosed on something again."
Elena sighed and nodded. She'd put in her fair share of that particular complaint before.
"I'll be back."
Elena nodded and turned back to her paperwork, secure in the fact that the head Turk could handle whatever President Shinra had called him in about.
;;;;;
Tseng masked his confusion and apprehension well. Infantryman and SOLDIERs 2nd and 3rd Class who passed in the hall didn't suspect anything amiss with the black-haired Turk.
But something was amiss with Tseng. In his mind.
What could Rufus want to speak to him about? He had always tried his best to be a model employee of Shinra: deceiving; merciless; and reports that were concise, perfectly written, and proved that Shinra had no involvement in the matter. He was the best Turk Shinra had.
But what if it wasn't trouble? It could've been good news that Rufus had called him in for. It was possible.
Maybe he was getting a promotion.
Maybe he was getting a special, top-secret mission.
...Maybe Reno was getting fired.
A smirk played across his lips. He sincerely hoped it was the third option.
Now set in an optimistic state of mind, Tseng sauntered into the President's office.
A bespectacled secretary looked up from her computer, then leaned over to her phone and pushed a button. "Mr. President, Tseng is here to see you."
"Yes, send him in, Janet," Rufus' voice answered over the speaker.
The secretary Janet motioned to the big wooden doors leading to Rufus' office. "The President will see you now."
"Thank you," Tseng said, nodding as he passed.
Tseng was sure that no bad news could be waiting on the other side of those doors...but maybe his prediction was a bit off.
;;;;;
Tseng stormed down the hallway, pushing passerbys out of his way as he went.
They practically jumped out of the way for him anyway. They were afraid of the completely outraged look on his face. Tseng was usually such an even-tempered man. At the very worst, he got annoyed. Or maybe even irked. But...outraged? That hadn't happened since Reno had lit the caferteria on fire, and locked every fire extinguisher in the building in the janitor's closet...and swallowed the key to said closet.
Tseng heard a familiar pair of combat boots tapping on the floor of the hallway, and raced around the corner, suspecting that he'd found the culprit of this bad joke (a gross understatement).
;;;;;
Zack wasn't they type to be caught off guard, but Tseng's present mood, and his own usual mental state of Off-in-La-La-Land, were enough to nearly knock him to the ground when Tseng appeared in front of him.
"Heya, Tseng!" he greeted cheerfully, waving a hello. "What's-?"
"Zack!" Tseng snapped, cutting Zack off. "Did you do this?"
Zack blinked at the Turk. "Do what?" Maybe this time it wasn't actually me, he thought hopefully.
"This!" Tseng shoved the transfer order in Zack's face.
Zack's eyes quickly darted across the page. He stifled a laugh. "I wish I could say that I did this, but I can't take the credit for this genius plan." He sniggered, slapping his hand over his mouth. "You..." His shoulders shook with laughter. "You've been transferred to the Men in Black?" He completely lost his composure, doubled over and holding his sides as he laughed.
Tseng's anger was quickly growing to rage as he glared at the -how he put it- "immature puppy of a young man who didn't even deserve to be an infantryman, let alone a SOLDER 1st Class". "Can you prove you didn't do this?" Tseng snapped, red creeping into his usually pale face.
"Tseng, I swear," Zack gasped between laughs, "I had nothing to do with it. But, COME ON! The Men in Black? That's so lame! Don't they fight aliens?"
"Oh, yes, and fighting monsters is such a HUGE difference, Zachary Fair!" Tseng shouted over Zack's laughter. "Now prove to me that you weren't involved in this!"
"Angeal and I were in Wutai!" Zack insisted. "It's all there in the report."
"What report?" Tseng hissed through clenched teeth.
"Uh," Zack said, thinking. "The one Angeal wrote that he said he'd leave on my desk for me to go over because he didn't want to get blamed yet again for me not writing the report myself. I think it's still there on my desk... Hmm..."
Tseng threw his arms up in exasperation and sighed heavily. "Fine. Whatever. Do you have a theory on who-?"
He cut himself off when he heard familiar whistling echoing down the hall.
He and Zack both turned their heads to see Reno ambling past at the end of the hallway.
Reno glanced their way, and grinned when he saw the outraged look on Tseng's face. He stuck his tongue out the side of his mouth, winked, and gave Tseng a short wave before rounding a corner and (from the sound of his footsteps) running away.
Tseng looked down at the transfer order in his hand, the big red INDEFINITE under "Length of Transfer" staring back up at him. He gritted his teeth, and a low growl escaped his throat as he crumpled the paper in his hand. I am going to kill him, Tseng thought.
Zack shrugged. "Well, that's how it goes, man. You circulate a video of Rude punching him in the face, and he transfers you outta here." He shrugged again. "That's life," he said, turning and walking away.
"Where are you going?" Tseng asked, an angry edge lingering in his voice.
Zack turned back to Tseng. He looked a little nervous, as if he were a child who'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "Uh... Um," he stuttered. "N-Nowhere. Um, to Sector 5! Duh!"
Tseng raised an eyebrow, his own predicament momentarily forgotten in his curiosity and slight confusion. "...Why?"
"Haven't you heard? That's the place to be!" Zack was speaking quickly, as if he didn't want Tseng to think too much about what he was telling him.
Tseng kept staring at him. "The...slums?"
"Yeah! Well, gotta go! See ya! Or...I guess I won't. Have fun with the MIB!" And he ran off down the hall, still laughing at just how hilarious Tseng's transfer was.
Tseng sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. He's probably going to see that girl again, he thought. That Ancient girl. What was her name? Miku...? No. Riku...? No, that's off that ludicrous video game Reno was blathering about. Well, it had something to do with a flower, I'm sure. And there was some other girl...and a church... I don't even know why I'm contemplating this when there is a perfect murder to be planned.
And Reno's name will the one written on the death certificate.
My brother read this, and thought that the thing about the girl and the church and flowers made it sound like Zack was running off to get married O.o XD (By the way, do you know who the two girls are that Tseng mentioned are? If you've read Ordinary Day, then you will!) Anyway, reviews are greatly appreciated! More to come soon! :D