Title: Come As You Are (As You Were)

Part 1 of 3: And all the lights that lead us here are blinding

Genre: Romance, Angst, Drama

Rating: T

Word Count: 1,665

Characters: Felicity Smoak, Oliver Queen, Ray Palmer

Summary: To be standing with Felicity now—realizing that she was not the woman who he once depended on dangerously, but instead a new woman who no longer strove to impress him or prove her importance in his life—hurt immensely, it caused his heart to throb painfully in his chest and his brow to furrow heavily. All because he was still in love with her, she was still the only thing in his life he wanted, but couldn't allow himself to have. And she always would be.

A/N: This was originally just going to be a oneshot for my Olicity Collection Thinking Out Loud, but...it kind of got away from me and I wanted to write a resolution. And then it was just supposed to be a two-shot, but Part 2 evolved into a complicated and long scene, so the resolution is now in Part 3. This is slightly AU, with spoilers for 3x09 onward.

On a side note: I can't even begin to comprehend last night's episode...I just, can't. Nope.

Disclaimer: Fic title comes from the song Come As You Are by Nirvana, but I was listening to the Civil Twilight cover while writing this. The title for Part 1 is from the song Wonderwall by Oasis. I do not own either song, nor do I own any of the characters used in this fic.

And all the roads we have to walk are winding

And all the lights that lead us here are blinding

There are many things that I would like to say to you

But I don't know how

Oliver knew that he would never grow accustomed to this awkwardness that inhabited the space between himself and Felicity now. He would never be okay with the fact that she held herself back around him, that she consciously censored her words and actions, that she stopped herself from truly enjoying any contact with him.

But a year was a long time, and the circumstances and events of the last year had not helped their relationship at all.

If anything, the past year had only hindered their relationship.

And it had started off with so much promise—a date, a few months of reprieve from the doom and gloom that was their life.

Lives, they lived separately, even back then—even if he no longer wanted to be considered anything but a part of her.

However, Felicity no longer felt the same way. She no longer felt the desperate need to be a part of his life. In all actuality, she wasn't much in his life any more, at all.

Truthfully, he hadn't seen her in five weeks, exactly. And even when he had seen her, all those weeks ago, it had been brief, and awkward, and they'd only exchanged expected pleasantries. She'd barely even met his eyes during their fifty second long conversation.

So, to be standing with her now—realizing that she was not the woman who he once depended on dangerously, but instead a new woman who no longer strove to impress him or prove her importance in his life—hurt immensely, it caused his heart to throb painfully in his chest and his brow to furrow heavily.

He stared out at the city below, the din of the rooftop party an ambient noise behind them as he held his fisted hands in his pockets. Felicity stared out at the city as well, a city she had never abandoned even though it wasn't her hometown. But it was her home.

Star City.

When Oliver had returned six months ago to find not only had Felicity changed, but Starling City as well, he had been crushed. Though he never let on, he knew Diggle was aware. Felicity probably was as well, but by the time he had found his way back to them, she had moved on to bigger and brighter things.

Speaking of her bigger and brighter things, Ray Palmer stepped up to Felicity's side, a hand curling around her elbow—Oliver caught the action out of the corner of his eye but made no other physical response. But he was finding it hard to breathe.

Felicity turned her head, bright blue eyes finding Palmer's gaze as she smiled and nodded softly at whatever he whispered into her ear.

When Palmer glanced over the top of her head to look at Oliver, he realized what had just transpired in their conversation.

Palmer knew things were awkward between Oliver and Felicity, and he was checking to make sure Felicity was okay with being near Oliver.

He kept his eyes focused on the city lights brightening the dimming skyline, ignoring Ray's searching gaze.

After a moment, Ray murmured something to Felicity under his breath, pressed his lips to her temple—Oliver's eyes screwed shut—and then stepped away from her, returning to his guests, leaving Oliver and Felicity alone once more.

After several more moments of silence Oliver heaved a sigh, angling his body slightly towards hers, "you know, you don't have to socialize with me. I came here to support Palmer Tech, but that doesn't mean you have to force yourself to be around me."

Her arms were crossed over her chest, her teeth biting down on her bottom lip, her glasses replaced by contacts and she was stunning to him. She stunned him. Always.

But of course, his realizations and epiphanies always came too late to serve him well.

"Is it so hard to believe that maybe I wanted to talk to you?" She turned her head to look at him, her gaze unreadable.

He swallowed thickly and didn't respond, which was it's own response when it came to Oliver, and Felicity understood it completely.

She let out her own heavy sigh and dropped her arms to her sides before turning to fully face him. "I just, wanted to know how you are. We haven't spoken in," her eyes danced upwards as she counted back, "over a month, at least. How are things? Diggle will only tell me so much before he says I should ask you myself. But," she paused, knowing if she said anything further she could possibly be revealing too much, but her mouth had already started to run away from her so she just decided to let go, "I've gotten the feeling that it's worse to talk to you than to not talk to you. What with how things are between us."

"Things with me," he paused, not sure how to respond, not sure how much she really wanted to hear, not sure how honest he should be. "Things are how they've always been."

"Oh."

The single syllable is enough to cause his heart to sink into his stomach because it was the worst possible response he could ever receive from Felicity Smoak.

He sighed, "what I mean by that is—things are difficult, the team is stressed out and over worked, perpetually exhausted, but we're managing. And we're doing good for the city." He smiled wryly, "maybe not as good as Ray Palmer is, but," he lifted a shoulder in a shrug, "it's something."

"It's more than something." She whispered, "at least, it is to me."

"We miss you," Oliver said it softly and the words were carried away on a breeze, but he knew she heard them when her head shot up suddenly, her eyes on his face even as he looked away from her.

Her lip trembled softly when he let his eyes move back to her. Her gaze locked on his before she spoke, "and I miss all of you."

"We don't have to miss each other." His tone was defeated, and his words held a double meaning that neither of them were certain they wanted to dive into.

Felicity's hand lifted and clamped over her mouth as she turned back to the cityscape below. She composed herself before turning back to him, "you know why I left the team Oliver. You were dead."

He swallowed, lifting his eyes to the heavens before titling his head to look at her, "but I'm not dead Felicity."

"I lived my life for six months thinking you were, and it killed me Oliver. You can't expect me to just forget what it was like to live without you, to know that no matter what I did I couldn't have stopped you or saved you and to realize that I had been deluding myself when I thought we could have a future together one day. But now I know, as long as you live the vigilante lifestyle, there can never be anything between us."

"Then I don't understand how you're in love with Ray Palmer. He's doing the exact same thing I was, just with better initial intentions."

"I'm not in love with Ray."

Her words stunned him, because he'd been operating for the last six months on the notion that she was in love with Ray. He had believed that during his six month absence after he left to face Ra's al Ghul—six months were he was believed to be dead—she had found comfort in Ray Palmer and chosen to leave the Arrow team to pursue her career and relationship with the CEO.

"I don't," he sighed, sounding frustrated with himself, "I don't understand Felicity," he finally drew his hands out of his pockets, and let them hang at his sides.

Her eyes fell to his right hand, where his middle and forefingers were rubbing against the pad of his thumb—his nervous twitch. Her eyes flicked back up to his.

"Just because I left the team does not mean I'm in love with Ray. I don't agree with what he's doing, and he knows that."

He shook his head, still not understanding.

"Why come over here tonight, Felicity? Why torture us both by asking me how I'm doing? You know how I feel about you Felicity, nothing has changed for me. But everything has changed for you, and I know that, I know what it's like to lose someone you thought you couldn't survive without. You are the one who decided to quit this life, to quit the mission and the team, so please don't come around asking after it. Frankly, it's none of your concern anymore."

He wasn't sure how or why his train of thought had gone from tortured and confused to angry and upset, but it had. His last words were harsh and cut Felicity as deep as he expected them to.

She flinched away from him, looking visibly stung for a moment before her expression hardened into a resolute mask. "I understand now. I'm sorry to have bothered you."

And then she walked away. And he let her go. He knew he had to.

This wasn't her life anymore, he wasn't her life anymore.

They weren't friends, they weren't partners, she wasn't his girl girl any longer.

He thought he'd come to terms with that fact, but he was quickly learning he was wrong.

One conversation with her had ruined any shields he had put up against thoughts of Felicity and what-might-have-been. The what-ifs were the most dangerous weapons to his mind and they were sharpened and aimed at his heart now. They were inside his defenses and he couldn't protect himself from them any longer.

He left the party, and descended into his shadowed world.

His light stayed on the rooftop, dimly blinking back tears as she flickered out.

And Star City went dark.

Part 2 coming soon. Review? xo