Author's Note: Here is my Post Ep for "End of Nights (2)". I thought Amanda Tapping's portrayal of grief was very real and really heart-breaking. I felt I just had to keep the story going a little longer. I've drawn on past experience for this piece and Magnus' chaotic thoughts felt realistic so I went with it. Please review and tell me what you think.
Reality in Ruins
Helen felt her chest constricting. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't move. All she could see, think about was Ashley. Ashley being gone. Forever. Dead. Ashley was her daughter; she was supposed to protect her and keep her safe. She'd known that letting Ashley and Henry go to the Cabal was a bad idea, a really bad idea. But she'd let them go, she'd let them down. She'd let Ashley down. Not only had she allowed Ashley to die, she had allowed Ashley to be tortured, manipulated and turned against her family. Helen knew that, had Ashley been aware of her actions, she would've been consumed by guilt, even though none of this was her own fault. But Helen had seen the flashes of blue in Ashley's eyes; she'd seen Ashley fight what she'd been turned into. She'd always known her daughter was strong, but she'd never known how strong.
And now she'd never know.
She tried to reign in her sobs but she couldn't. She was horribly aware of how she'd never see Ashley smile again, never hear her laugh. She'd never marvel at how graceful and stealthy she was when hunting an abnormal. She'd never look up to see her daughter ushering her to bed, away from her work at four in the morning. She would never see Ashley again. Never, ever, ever. Never again.
It felt unreal. It felt like it was all some horrible joke and any minute, Ashley would pop up and grin at her. Someone would tell her that it wasn't real. Maybe Ashley would wake her up and tell her she'd been crying in her sleep. And then it would all go away.
But it wasn't. It was real. So, so real. So horribly real.
"Magnus!" Will was sprinting across the lab, John, Nikola and Henry right on his heels. The Big Guy was not far behind them.
Will reached Helen first and crouched down, his hand on her uninjured arm. He took in her tear stained face and the blood seeping down her arm.
"Oh, Magnus." He breathed, his heart aching. "I'm so sorry."
Helen staggered to her feet, unsteady in her grief. John stepped forward to help her, his hand out and his mouth opening as if to speak but Helen stepped back. The concern clear in his eyes, Will went to follow her. Helen turned quickly and ran from the lab, trying to leave her friends behind, leave her pain behind. She sprinted up the stairs, tripping on the top step, saving herself from falling flat on her face with her hands. Her palms burned, rubbing against the rug. But she pulled herself up again and kept going, kept running.
When she reached her office, Helen closed the door behind her and sank down on the carpet, leaning against the door. She rested her head on her knees and concentrated on nothing but her breathing.
In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.
When she could finally breathe steadily again she leant her head back against the door and stared blankly at the space in front of her. That was when she first became aware of the searing pain in her shoulder. She looked down. Blood was soaking through the sleeve of her shirt.
Standing up slowly, Helen made her way over to her desk. She sat down heavily in her chair and pulled open the bottom desk draw. Inside was her medical bag, her on-the-go medical supplies. She placed it on the desk surface and opened it, one-handed. After a few seconds of rummaging around, she pulled out what she needed to clean and stitch the gashes that spanned her shoulder and the top of her arm. Carefully and with barely a hiss of pain, she cleaned the wounds and stitched them up. Four long but fairly shallow cuts. They had nothing on the stabbing pain in her chest.
When she was done, she leant back and stared at her desk, at the turned off computer and monitor. It was over, well and truly over. For that, Helen was glad. She just wished with all her heart that the outcome hadn't included so much loss. For everyone. Will was mourning Clara, the Network was mourning the loss of several Sanctuaries. And she would be mourning Ashley.
As her gaze landed on the monitor again, a thought occurred. Ashley couldn't be gone. She didn't want to believe it. She couldn't believe it. Not yet. Not until she had proof.