AN: I don't think I've written in first person for a while, I do apologize if my characterizations aren't that good yet. This is kind of in response to some of the Season 6 foilers/spoilers and kind of my own passion as a psychology fan. The title is after the movie, A Beautiful Mind.

His Beautiful Mind
[Part K of a two Part Fanfic. Part B will be called - In a World of my Own]

Thank god Rachel has moved out!

I had spent too much of my life living with her, trying to understand and get through to her, and even though my fiancee is just like a female Rachel in a lot of ways, it's easier too. Maybe I have to agree with him more, comfort him more…sometimes I wonder how effective my attempts to comfort him really are, and just calm him down so he doesn't act too impulsively. Still, love makes that a whole lot easier and after my mother, after Karofsky and the bullies in high school, after I tried to heal from the cheating, I've had trouble expressing that love. Well, trouble expressing it to anyone, but the one person who I know loves me just as much.

Blaine.

Blaine Anderson is my fiancee, the man I know in my heart that I will marry, the man who I can assure you, no argument will make me break up with. I mean, who could give up someone who is this adorable on a puppy dog scale, he goes with everything. And that too is funny in a way, my whole life has been made up of choices and careful selections. The type of hair spray I use, exactly which socks go with which outfits, the exact length of my sleeves, the way I pace myself through the day. All of it, every single part has that spark of Kurt Hummel charm.

My plans may have included a desire for a Disney prince, but they hadn't fully formed Blaine. Blaine, a man who doesn't care what I choose to do as long as he can protect me and support me. A man who said that both my tattoo and tongue piercing were cute, a man who believes in me on days when I don't even believe in myself.

Not to enforce the stereotypical notion of gay queens, oh gaga how I hate that, reminds me of junior year with that teenager I had to force myself to forgive, but they say that a girl always picks a man that's like her dad. I can most definitely see parts of my dad in Blaine. It's one of the things that gives me so much protection.

As I take my seat on the bed next to where he's sleeping, I reach out and smile. Oh god, I love the way that my hand feels as it runs through his free from gel hair, the way the little curls sometimes catch on my fingers. I love the smell of Blaine, that very subtle raspberry and then the cologne that really reminds me these days of nothing else but Blaine. When someone else wears that same cologne it's become difficult for me not to…..

Blaine gives a soft moan as he moves from the bed and looks at me. I gaze back at him, admiring the amber in his eyes and the rich glow that I don't see anywhere else. I could say that the color, that kind of golden brown, is the biggest factor in my enjoyment of those eyes, but it's more than that, it's the depth and the glow that make me feel like I can see deep into his soul.

And sometimes I wonder why they are so broken.

I seem to be the only one who can see that things beneath the surface aren't quite right, that nothing is as good as Blaine makes it out to be, that he has fears and doubts just like the rest of us. What scares me most, and I also saw it elsewhere, is that look of self-hatred, that constant questioning of self worth.

I hate that I can't really make it go away.

I could stick by my old reasons, that the touching of the fingers is as intimate as it gets, but I struggle. I don't have the experience talking about things, I want to, but as guarded as I am it gets harder. My dad loves me, but he was never the type to get me to sit down so we could have proper conversations. I did a lot on my own, after my mother died I had to do a lot on my own. And I'm scared, I'm scared to death because Blaine is so beautiful and sexy and smart and talented and…I just want him to know that. Giving him sex seems to be something we both enjoy, but at this point I don't know what to do that can actually help..

As Blaine smiles at me and lets out a greeting in his sexy exhale, I smile.

"I was wondering when you'd wake up, are we going to cook the breakfast today together?" I ask him, but he just sits up and looks away.

I really enjoy making breakfast with my husband to be, it's not often that I can make a meal with someone who honestly cares more about me than themselves. Still, those breakfast times have grown a lot less frequent lately. Blaine always seems to be off somewhere, meeting with the same two friends of June's. I really do trust him, but I don't know if I'm interesting enough or talented enough to deserve keeping him.

Being the most interesting guy in all of Ohio doesn't count for anything in the big city.

"Damn it!" Blaine curses as I tilt my head and look at him.

I'm taken aback and for a good reason as well, Blaine never seems to swear like that, he's always been so…dapper. Or, at least that hadn't changed until these two friends popped into the picture. Melissa Debloom and Annabella Vanderberg. It's really worrying me that the two of them have absolutely zero social media presence, I know that Blaine is gay, but these two women should at least have identities right? They're not just two people that Blaine has conjured up…they can't be!

"Baby, is there," I ask, trying to reach out for him, but he stands up before I can touch him.

Once again I'm starting to feel useless.

"I need to leave, I need to go meet Anabella," Blaine says as he checks the time and starts whispering sharp words to himself.

It's six thirty on Saturday morning, who could want to meet him this early? Wasn't it even a little too early for breakfast at Tiffany's? I reach out, this time standing up as well so I can just get him to explain. I can't catch up with him. He rushes into our bathroom too quickly and I hear the water running.

I know I could pound and yell on the door, but what's the point? Maybe my problem is that unlike Blaine is and Finn was, I'm not hot headed enough to just jump at the chance to do something. I mean, with some notable exceptions. I try to play my life out strategically and if things get lost then I'm not really one who is an expert at fighting, sure I'll fight for someone if I really want them, but too many things hold me back from just letting my emotions control my body over my mind.

I wish Blaine were a bit more like that.

I wish I could be a bit more like Blaine.

Ten minutes later, I hear him toss down his toothbrush, the water has already been off for a few minutes. I walk over to the closet, thinking about an outfit that might look professional and make Blane turn some heads.

"Whatever doors he opens, he opens for both me and him," I tell myself. It's like a mantra I have because I can't let myself get jealous, especially since I've seen the pain in those eyes deepen since Rachel's departure. Unrelated issues, I'm betting.

I pick out a nice red vest, formal red jeans and a long sleeve black shirt. Maybe I could find a bow tie for this as well. Blaine rushes past me as I'm looking in his bow tie box.

"Hey, what do you think?" I ask as I hold up the red bow tie he had worn during my senior year Valentines Day party….why the hell did I feel so much guilt over Karofsky though…I don't know, I wish I could just forget it. That man represents my past and Blaine, Blaine has always represented my future.

"Too red. Annabella said no red." He says and I can see the stress. I don't know what's gotten into him lately, he used to be so much more passionate and so much less distant. It hurts. I mean, I have noticed similar patterns in the past, but I didn't want to revisit them again and revisit the feelings that they often leave me with.

"Blue?" I suggest, but Blaine picks out one of his nicer suits.

Okay, so I know that I dressed up in a suit when I went to have breakfast in New York with Rachel during junior year, but does Blaine really need to be wearing this right now? Who will even see him. I step forward and attempt to straighten his collar.

"Kurt, I love you," he says softly.

I try to stay calm, I can at least steady him. Straightening a collar isn't a long process, but it gives me an excuse to be close to him, to breathe in his scent, to…

He pushes me away and frantically starts searching for something. I know it's not right for him if I ask if I can help, so I just watch. I watch as he picks up some information on goldfish and an empty pink envelope that a birthday card for Rachel came in before getting his shoes on and slipping his bag over his shoulder.

I'm starting to feel unloved, but he suddenly realizes me standing there and probably looking as worried and disappointed as I do inside.

He approaches me, places his hands on my shoulders and speaks in his voice that I love so much, "I'm sorry. I don't want you to feel that I'm taking you for granted."

I choke and nod, "I-I know"

It should be okay alright? He apologized to me. I shouldn't hold a grudge.

"I love you," he says and finally I feel that touch upon my cheek as he kisses me passionately. I sink into the kiss but before I know it it's over, before I know it Blaine has left the loft, and I am all by myself again.

Alone and confused.

AN:

Hope you enjoyed it. I'm working on a few other pieces right now, but if you enjoyed this chapter please leave a review. I tend to update fanfics with more reviews faster :P