Hate was a strong word. To say Remus hated his life would be a gross overstatement. It would mean that he hated everything in his life, which was far from the truth. His condition was certainly undesirable, and the way people looked at him like he was something disgusting that had crawled out of that sewer (that is, if they bothered to look at all) he could live without. There was only one real thing he hated. It seemed to Remus, though, unfortunate that the ratio of things he disliked and those he didn't was so disturbingly unbalanced. But as long as he had his three best friends, things would be alright in the end.
The sun was low in the sky.
In merely an hour, his human mind would be forgotten. The fifteen year-old sat alone in the attic room, cramped with beds, waiting. When he was younger he would try to hide. Perhaps if he were not found, nothing would happen. Perhaps it was a cruel punishment that his master had devised, and it was that place that did it to him. But that was when he was far too young to understand his own condition, and Remus was always found, one way or another. Now he just waited quietly for him to come, knowing fully well the potential disaster that could happen if he was not properly secured in time.
The creaky stairs gave him away. They always did. Remus jumped to his feet as the door swung open as Lord Black entered, his nose flared as though the very presence of the room offended him. But he had seen this expression far too many times to care. What did it matter if he cared or not anyway?
Without a word, or even really looking at him, Lord Black snapped his fingers and then turned straight around and walked out of the room. They had gone through this routine far too many times, and Remus knew that that snap was an indication to follow him. It was almost as though it would be an insult to actually speak to Remus, unless it was to give him an order. Then again, he reminded himself, that was exactly what it was.
Waiting in the Entrance Hall at the bottom of the stairs was Sirius, looking deeply troubled and nothing short of angry. Remus tried to catch his eye, but he wouldn't look at him. A terrible thought crossed his mind. But no, surely not…
"Ready, son?"
A beat passed, then Sirius gave the most miniscule of nods to his father before falling into step with him, obviously full of reluctance.
Remus caught his breath. He suddenly felt sick. Because why else would he have joined them if not to watch the next part of their monthly routine, the one thing Remus knew was unnecessary and degrading. Why else would Sirius refuse to look at him? He was ashamed, but it was nothing compared to what Remus felt right then.
These thoughts and worries carried him all the way down to the dungeon, where Sirius broke off from them to stand in the corner, look incredibly uncomfortable. Time seemed to pass in slow motion as Remus removed his shabby tee shirt. Lord Black grabbed his wrists and clamped them one at a time into the rusty shackles on dungeon wall, so that his chest was pressed up against the cold stone, his exposed back was facing them.
The monthly whippings were needless, demeaning. Having Sirius present would only make it even more humiliating, because Remus was certain he had never discussed them with anyone. He had hoped Lily, Sirius, and Alice would believe the gashes were his own doing, under the influence of the full moon. That plan now seemed to burn inside him, along with his own shame and degradation, and for what? So that his master could feel that the five minutes he spent in bringing Remus down there had not been entirely wasted.
It was a pointless retribution, and he was certain his master didn't care that the fresh wounds only made the wolf inside him angrier when it was finally released.
Or maybe that was the entire point.
It was taking much longer than usual for it to begin. Lord Black and Sirius seemed to having a disagreement, but it ended quite suddenly. The first blow arrived a moment after.
There was far less power behind it than usual, but still enough to make Remus wince and tense up. A moment passed before he heard Lord Black speak, from rather further away than he would have expected.
"You need to really mean it."
Oh god.
It was Sirius. That explained everything, and Remus actually stopped breathing for a moment. He felt something wet graze his cheek.
Crying wasn't something he'd done in years, when it was something he did quite a lot of. He'd had a nightmare, the full moon was fast approaching, his mother had to leave…anything would set him off. When Lily wasn't around, the only comfort he'd had was a harsh slap on the face from Lord or Lady Black. Years of experience hadn't hardened Remus, but rather taught him how to keep his emotions to himself.
But now he wasn't sure he could do it.
"Father, I can't."
"I understand how difficult it is punishing servants for the first time, but you will become accustomed to it."
"I Ican't/I."
"Sirius, you are the heir to the House of Black. When you are grown, this will be your duty."
"Please, don't make me do this."
Remus had never heard Sirius beg before, and would have been shocked if he wasn't so preoccupied trying to hold back his tears.
IPlease don't make him do it, please don't make him to it./I
Silence.
IPlease…please…please don't./I
A beat passed. Then another. Finally he heard Lord Black speak in a steely tone.
"Your grandfather first permitted me to do this at the age of thirteen. You will perform this task now or face my displeasure."
That closed the matter.
Remus closed his eyes in resignation and waited. Tears were still trickling down his face. Then the crack of the whip and a sharp pain on his back as blood began to flow as well as his tears. Two, three, four times. Remus gritted his teeth and sharply inhaled. Five, six. What was wrong with him – why was he still crying? Why couldn't he control himself like every other time? The whip continued to land and Remus gave up his futile struggle to remain composed, letting his tears fall freely. No one would care. He would do it anyway later, so why should it matter if he did it now instead?
Just because Lord Black and Sirius were there. But why should he care? Why should anyone care? Why…why….
Finally, after thirty-five, it was over. As soon as Lord Black released his hands from the manacles, Remus collapsed to the floor, exhausted. His wrists were raw and chafed where they had rubbed against the rusted iron. Tears still streaming down his face, he sat up and allowed Lord Black to clamp his newly liberated wrists into a lower pair of shackles. Remus didn't look at Sirius, although he could practically feel his horrified gaze boring holes into him.
"Come along, Sirius. It'll happen soon, and those manacles don't always hold him in."
Remus heard the door shut and lock, and then two pairs of footsteps become fainter and fainter until they disappeared altogether.
It all came back to him now, this awful man he hated so. It was because of Lord Black that he was taken away from his mother so young, that he constantly hid in fear as a little boy, and that he had once tried to change the color of his eyes and, due to wand restrictions, went blind for three days. It was his fault that he was subjected to this irrational humiliation once a month, that he would now not be able to look Sirius in the eye for weeks, and that he had, for the first time in years, shown the toll this was all taking on him.
Then a cloud shifted and, for the first time in his life, Remus was glad to escape from the confinement of his thoughts, and to sink into a mind that thought of nothing but unretributed violence.