Miranda cursed herself for being so utterly foolish with her nervousness. It wasn't as though she had never hung out with Shepard before although granted, there was usually either a desk between them or a hundred mercs ahead of them. She wished this strange flutter in her stomach would go away. It was becoming increasingly annoying. She was also starting to feel anxious that Shepard wouldn't show. She knew she should never have let herself be talked into a night out. She was still hunting for her sister but Shepard had begged for just one night away from the realities of this war. Miranda couldn't believe she relented, her agreement had almost been without her consent. Shepard always talked her into the most ridiculous things.
She looked around, irritated, knowing how foolish she must look standing at the roulette table by herself and then she saw her. Shepard was walking gracefully towards her in that black dress she wore to Kasumi's party which was so seductive on her. Shepard positively beamed at her as she approached and Miranda felt the knot in her stomach tighten wildly.
"You scrub up well, Shepard." Miranda noted, her mouth dry, and she pulled her eyes away from Shepard's body which earned a smirk from her former commander.
"Don't sound so surprised." Shepard frowned playfully and Miranda rolled her eyes; she always fished for compliments.
"I'm glad you made it." Shepard admitted when Miranda didn't concede to entertain her ego.
"I figured we deserved a break." Miranda replied, avoiding admitting that she would never have turned down this opportunity when she had been months with barely being in Shepard's presence and she missed her so much. "There's no point saving the galaxy if we can't enjoy it once in a while."
Miranda studied Shepard closely. She had seen her weeks ago at an apartment, and that was the first time in several weeks they'd had a proper conversation. Shepard had looked awful on that occasion; the war was clearly taking its toll as Shepard looked thinner slightly and completely exhausted. Tonight, however, Shepard was positively radiant. All of the stress had melted away from her and her movements were so much more laid back and carefree. She still seemed a little slimmer, as though she had neglected herself for a while, but her eyes were bright once more and that old mischievous glint had returned.
"I have to say I'm a bit surprised..." Shepard conceded.
"I thought you might be. I can be...severe..." Miranda finished awkwardly, trying to find that the right word.
"You're focussed and believe me, I understand." Shepard corrected earnestly and Miranda experienced that familiar fluttering she wished she could admonish and that always arrived whenever Shepard complimented her character.
She'd spent so many years driving herself forward, never feeling good enough or that she had accomplished enough but Shepard peeled every one of her lingering doubts about herself away. When Shepard looked at her, it wasn't in that same spiteful domineering look of lust that all men and plenty of women gave her as they saw only what they wanted to, it was as though Shepard was seeing all of her, and accepting all of her. It made Miranda feel like an idiotic school girl who couldn't control her damn hormones.
"I was thinking about our talk earlier," and Miranda trailed off for the briefest of seconds as her mind glanced back to when they were alone in the apartment and she was so close to just telling Shepard the truth about how she felt, "about having a normal life."
The roulette light finally stopped and of course not one of Miranda's numbers came up.
"Damn," she cursed softly, "I'm not very good at this. Truth is, Shepard, I'm not very good at being normal either. Bit of a disaster really."
Miranda could never tell Shepard how she felt as she was convinced that the normal life was just beyond her. She'd been incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship for long because she'd been so focussed on work and now she was trying to find Oriana. Shepard wasn't just any woman either - she was leading the fight against the reapers and she wasn't sure if Shepard was even over Liara. Shepard had been kind to her, always, but Miranda just couldn't get a read on her. Shepard was always respectful, often playful and full of admiration for Miranda. She never wanted to lose Shepard but she was scared of Shepard admitting she didn't feel the same way and she was even more terrified that they might be able to build something beautiful just for Shepard to end up another casualty in this war. She'd already died once and Miranda couldn't bring her back if she died again now that the Cerberus resources weren't available.
Shepard moved slightly closer to her and Miranda felt a jolt as Shepard cocked her head playfully, smiling at her because Shepard was very much alive and here with her right now in this perfect night.
"We just need a little practice." Shepard replied, smiling.
"Any ideas?" Miranda shrugged, looking sideways at Shepard who seemed perfectly at ease with her.
"I don't know. Maybe we can talk about regular stuff. No evil clones, no ticking time bombs...just talk." Shepard finished.
"What? Like shoes or something?" Miranda asked sceptically and Shepard gave a small laugh.
"Sure...we're not really girly girls are we?" Shepard admitted and it was Miranda's turn to laugh.
"No. We can't pretend to be anything other than trouble shooting space divas."
"You know, that does sound pretty cool..." Shepard replied wistfully.
"It does." Miranda admitted, tilting her head and smiling at Shepard.
Miranda would never have traded a second of the time the two of them spent together on the Normandy chasing down collectors for anything. She'd even put up with Jack again if she had to.
"Okay," Shepard replied with the same focused tone that she used whenever heading into battle, "let's quit worrying and enjoy ourselves- at least until we run out of credits."
"Right," Miranda replied in the same tone as though about to pull out her gun, "need more wine."
"Now you are talking." Shepard smirked. "Waiter, this space diva needs more wine."
Miranda laughed.
"Oh God. I'm going to regret this." Miranda replied, feigning trepidation.
"We're a couple of girls out on the town. What's the worst that can happen?" Shepard asked flippantly and Miranda just replied with a brief scoff. "Come on, partner. Let's start some trouble."
Shepard always got her way with Miranda. They had a couple of glasses and lost yet more credits on the roulette although when Shepard's number came up she was absolutely ecstatic. Miranda hadn't seen her this enthusiastic since they got to finally try out that Thanix canon Garrus had installed.
Miranda was led upstairs to the dance floor and she really thought Shepard should have ordered that waiter to bring even more wine. Shepard had the cheek to mock Miranda's dancing for being too cool and not as free. Shepard wasn't attracting just the usual fearful looks on the dance floor though as a pretty asari woman asked her to dance. Miranda's heart turned to ice. It had been bad enough watching Liara absolutely fawn over Shepard while they were on Illium. This was supposed to be their night together, her night with Shepard, and now someone had typically come along to spoil it and steal the great Commander Shepard's attention.
"Thanks..." Shepard shouted awkwardly over the music, "...but I've already got a dance partner for tonight."
Shepard gave Miranda a little wink and she merely deigned to roll her eyes theatrically.
The asari did not look happy and Shepard pulled Miranda close to her after that to suggest that she couldn't just ditch her. Miranda was both annoyed by this and nervous. Her skin seemed to burn through the fabric of her dress wherever Shepard touched and she felt stupidly reckless as Shepard rested her hands on her waist.
"You thought I was going to ditch you, didn't you?" Shepard said to Miranda, right in her ear so that Miranda shivered at the feel of Shepard's breath on her skin.
"Of course not." Miranda denied but Shepard was having none of it. "Oh, okay then but you do like the asari..."
Miranda trailed off, hoping to finally know what had happened between her and Liara.
"I went out with one asari and it ended ages ago." Shepard laughed. "How could I ever possibly want anybody else's company anyway?"
Miranda trailed her forefinger across Shepard's collar bone until she met the black strap of her dress.
"You're really not as smooth as you think you are." Miranda chimed.
"I know, but I really do try." Shepard laughed and Miranda joined her.
They danced closely together for a long while and well after the asari woman had left and Miranda hardly dared breathe in case something in the moment changed to unnerve Shepard and cause her to break the spell.
"When are you leaving again?" Shepard asked after a long while and the question was like a lead weight dropping in her heart.
"Sometime tomorrow." Miranda replied vaguely; she didn't want to think about it.
She wanted Ori to be safe. She loved her sister dearly but she hated being away from Shepard. Every day she checked the news constantly for any word on Shepard. She was such a hero to the galaxy now she was sure that if anything happened that journalists would be reporting on it within minutes. She despised not being able to help her.
"Come and stay with me. There's loads of spare rooms." Shepard offered, leaning back slightly to look at Miranda fully.
Miranda agreed. It was for no other reason than wanting to spend as much time with Shepard as possible seeing as she had her own apartment on the presidium. There was something so tender in the way that Shepard had offered that Miranda was taken aback but she reprimanded herself once more. It was foolish to get her hopes up that Shepard could ever think of her like that.
They soon headed back down the stairs together and through the casino. It was still busy even though it had passed midnight. More people were on the tipsy side of things and Miranda didn't have to try hard to imagine how sleazy this place got after a certain hour while presenting as so classy in the evening.
The breeze that greeted them as they walked through the Citadel was slightly cool but it was still a warm night. Miranda could almost fool herself into believing this was a vacation. Occasionally, people would call out to Shepard in recognition and desperate to get some attention from their hero but Shepard ignored them, all the way to her apartment she had only eyes for Miranda as they chatted away as if they'd never have another chance to speak.
Shepard opened the door to her apartment and let Miranda enter. Miranda smiled at just how old fashioned and chivalrous Shepard could be sometimes. She was ridiculously polite. It was sometimes difficult to match this Emily Shepard with the Commander Shepard who took down a Reaper on Rannoch.
Shepard grabbed them some water as they sat on the sofa and chatted while the fire danced away in front of them. The night was enchanting and Miranda couldn't stop herself from smiling at Shepard's jokes, at her gestures, at how she'd awkwardly run her hands through her long red hair every so often.
"Are you ever going to tell me what happened with Liara?" Miranda asked; she was tired and it was making her feel slightly bolder and impatient.
"We just...changed." Shepard responded after a while as though struggling to find the right way to explain it. "We hadn't been together in so long. It wasn't anything dramatic but our love just faded. Neither of us wanted it anymore."
"She's with you on The Normandy." Miranda replied quietly, not daring to look at Shepard.
"And she's a good friend," Shepard emphasised that last word, "but nothing will ever happen between us again."
Miranda accepted this as Shepard was always honest with her.
"What about you?" Shepard asked.
"Me?" Miranda repeated.
"Met anyone?" Shepard asked, taking a sip of water.
"Of course not. I'm trying to find my sister." Miranda laughed at the idea.
"Just checking. It's been a while since we really spent much time together." Shepard replied sadly. "I wish I could come with you."
"I know." Miranda replied softly, taking Shepard's hand and squeezing it.
Shepard had offered to help but Miranda flat out refused. The war was more important and she strangely felt that Shepard was better off with her full crew around her rather than chasing Cerberus assassins with only herself for protection. Miranda appreciated Shepard's dedication to her more than she would ever be able to say.
They talked for hours still, until the apartment was a blaze of orange as the sun rose. Every second was both joy and torture to Miranda for she knew that each passing tick of the clock meant that she was getting closer to leaving. Finally, Shepard gave into sleep on her sofa. Miranda had watched her fight it for hours as she incessantly chattered and stifled yawns but Shepard could resist no more. Miranda watched her adoringly and stroked a piece of red hair behind Shepard's ear. This was the most peaceful she had ever seen Shepard and she wondered, with a wrench, whether that had anything even remotely to do with her at all.
She had battled with herself all night long over whether to just tell Shepard she was in love with her but she saw nothing to gain and everything to lose, so she settled for cowardice and in just enjoying each moment she was with Shepard and the perfect memories they had made that night.
A tear rolled down Miranda's face and she stood up and stepped back from Shepard so as not to wake her. She didn't want to leave but she had to and she had to go now when Shepard wouldn't be able to talk her out of it.
She took a deep steadying breath and wiped her eyes. Shepard was having to be strong while she fought the goddamn reapers so Miranda could get through this. She swore to herself that she would keep an eye on Shepard. She had spy systems all over the Normandy and if ever she needed her then Miranda would be there. She took a quiet step forward to Shepard, bent down and kissed her forehead briefly, stroking her hair one final time.
"I do love you." Miranda whispered as she silently slipped out of the apartment, leaving Shepard alone.