Based on the Angry Coffe Shop meme from Tumblr
"Ugh, I'm so thirsty."
Levi rolls his eyes "You're literally in a coffee shop, just get yourself something to drink."
"Not that kind of thirst dummy. I'm thirsty for booze. Customers have been complete assholes today. I need to get shitface. For my mental health."
"That does sounds pretty good," he says, giving a final sweep to the counter. "Your place or my place?" Hanji doesn't get the chance to reply before Levi is speaking again. "Let's go to mine. The shithole you dare to call an apartment is dirty enough when you expect me to come over."
Forty-five minutes later, they are sitting on Levi's couch, a glass of red wine in their hands, the coffee table crawling under various snacks.
"Sometimes I wonder how we make it through the day without murdering anyone," Hanji begins. "How hard can it be to order a drink without being a pain in the ass? You wait in line for your turn, order something from the board, pay, and wait patiently for it to be ready."
"Erwin doesn't pay us nearly enough to deal with those shit head all days," Levi agrees. He empties his glass and pours himself a new one. He makes the red liquid swirl and takes a sip of it. He savors the bitter taste, as Hanji digs into a bag of chips.
I swear to god, if I found any crumble on my floor-"
"Yea I know, you'll make me lick it until it's clean again," they dismiss him, taking a handful of doritos.
"And clean it with bleach right after. Spit is gross."
Hanji laughter fills the room. "Where's pretty boy uh? I thought he'd be here."
"I don't know. Probably still at work" He looks at his phone, and sure enough there is a text from Eren informing him he's staying overtime and not to wait for him.
"Let's play a game!" Hanji suddenly screams.
Levi frowns "No strip poker this time. I don't think I can take the sight of you wearing nothing but your glasses one more time. Plus I had to get rid of my rug after you dirty butt sat on it."
"I will let you know my butt is very clean. Petra can vouch."
A giggle escapes Levi's lips. Under normal circumstances he would be concerned by that. But with the alcohol running through his veins, his clouded mind doesn't care.
"So the game is simple. We both tell a story about a bitchy customer we had, and the one who has encountered the biggest prick wins."
Levi tilts his head to the side."Isn't that basically complaining, though? We're already doing it all the time. That's hardly a game."
Hanji is thoughtful for a moment before they clap their hand victoriously "I know! Each time one of us wins a round; they have to take a shot. That should spice things up."
"Alright" Levi says, slumping to the ground and reaching for the bottle, a smirk on his lips "Game on then."
Hanji laughter echoes through the room as they struggle to form words. "This- This is priceless, how come you've never told me about it before?"
"Didn't want to risk Erwin hearing about it," he downs his shot in one swift motion, barely grimacing as the liquid burn his throat."It's not like I'm actually the manager."
Hanji rolls on their back, as a new fit of laughter shakes their body. "I would give anything, to see the lady's face when you've spun around."
"It was quite the sight to behold," he refills his glass, while Hanji straightens up their glasses threatening to fall of their nose.
"Once I had this lady coming in, she kept stressing out how important it was that her drink was dairy free -and I get it, lactose intolerance is a pain in the ass- she was watching my every move like a hawk. When I handed her her drink, she freaking asked me why I didn't put whipped cream on top of it. I had to explain her that yes, whipped cream contains dairy, but she would not believe me. I ended up putting a shit ton on top of her damn frappuccino and I hope she got diarrhea from it."
"What a bitch" Levi snorts.
"Alright your turn, what do you have in stock?"
He hums thoughtfully, distractingly playing with a the edge of a pillow.
"They were this one time, when a girl went batchit crazy on me for drawing a heart in her latte. She screamed at me that she had a boyfriend, and that she was so fed up with men hitting on her."
"Did you? Drew a heart in her latte I mean."
"No, I did draw something, but it was not a heart. Not from my perspective that is."Levi smirks amusement glinting into his eyes.
Hanji seems confused for a split second before they exclaim."Oh my god Levi! Did you draw an ass in that girl drink?"
"I most certainly did," he replies with a toothy grin. "It was the day when Eren came back from his family trip. All I could think about was that glorious ass of his."
"You're the worst."
Levi shrugs and slides a shot towards them before pouring one for himself. "That's a draw," he solemnly declares.
They empty their glasses and sigh contentedly almost in perfect synchronization.
"You know what really is the worst kind of customer ?" Hanji hiccups.
He raises a thin eyebrow at them.
"Those who are unable to remember the name of the drinks. If they got their orders wrong, it's not my problem. Learn to fucking read you moron!"
"I couldn't remember the name of the drink when I began," Levi giggles."Eren had to help me study the menu. He even made card and all that shit."
They shake their head "You're a lucky idiot you know that?"
Levi nods. He does know how lucky he is to have a boyfriend like him.
"In my defense," he begins"the name of the drinks makes zero sense. Why did Erwin have to go for the fancy hipster shit name? 'large black' that's easy to remember. But Americano? Frappuccino? Freaking Macchiato? It gives zero clue about what the drink actually is."
"That's how they're called," Hanji looks at him skeptically "That's pretty standard actually."
"Well, the standard sucks." Levi says, slamming his fist on the table.
"What would you call them then?" They ask, eyes glinting in amusement.
"I dunno," Levi frowns."Something meaningful."
They tilt their head to the side."Like what? It's not like you could describe the recipe of the drink. That would be way too long."
He reaches for the bag of chips, and munches slowly. Hanji observes him pulling his eyebrows together, creating small line between them. He's so deep in thoughts he doesn't notice them snatching a picture of what they consider to be an 'Accidentally cute Levi.'
"Hangover," he blurts out.
"We certainly will be tomorrow, but don't worry we still have time."
"No," he throws the bag of chips out of his lap, spilling it on the ground."The name of the drink, it should be Hungover."
"Lemme guess, a strong black coffee?"
"Triple espresso of the less bitter coffee we have," He grins.
They smile cheerfully."What else do you have?"
"I'm Studying For My Finals. Double espresso with a dash of vanilla. Because you both need energy and comfort."
"Why not make it a triple, though?"
Levi shakes his head."Because when studying for their final, student drink coffee all day. With a double they can still get that energy shot multiples time a day without intoxicating themselves. Also, it's refillable."
"This is good!" Hanji shouts excitedly. They scramble up to their feet and run to their bag, pulling out a notebook. "Alright keeps going, we gotta keep track of this."
"Babe?" Eren calls upon entering the apartment. Despite the late hour, he knows Levi isn't asleep. He goes in the living room, expecting him to be sitting on the couch, tucked into a blanket, enjoying a his tea. But instead he's met with what looks like a warzone. Two empty bottles of wine, one who has rolled up to the ground, another bottle of what looks like tequila, empty for the most part, chips, chips everywhere, on the table, on the carpet, on the couch, and finally Levi, sleeping peacefully on the ground, crumb all over his hair.
"What the fuck," Eren whispers to himself. He walks up to Levi and picks the notebook next to him. It reads:
Large Americano: Not A Morning Person
Tea: The Only Valid Drink
Flat White: Fuck You
Vanilla soy latte no foam extra shot: I'd Like To Speak To The Manager
Double espresso with vanilla sirup: Studying For My Final
Iced coffee: Hoe Never Gets Cold
Pumpkin spice latte: Spooky Season
Latte, extra shot: Stayed Up Too Late Looking At Memes
Peppermint latte: Basic Bitch
"Hey Eren!"
The cheery voice of Hanji interrupts his reading.
"Hey," he tentatively greets them."What's going on ? And what is this?" He asks shaking the notebook in his hand.
"Just a thing for a work," they say, wiggling their eyebrows mysteriously.
"So, you're telling me, this was a work meeting?"
"Guess you could put it like that," They chuckle."I was just about to clean up. Would you take care of sleepy-head over here?" They point at Levi with their chin.
It's Eren's turn to laugh. "You cleaning, and Levi passing out. That's a first."
He bends down and gently dusts the crumbs off Levi's hair, before carrying him to their bedroom.
"They don't know what's awaiting them," Levi mumbles, as he undresses him.
"Hum what was that? What's awaiting who?"
"Karen, Margaret, Susan and all the other."
"Alright babe," he chuckles."Go get them."
He makes sure Levi is well tuck in, and not at risk at falling off bed. He makes a move to leave, but a hand on his forearm stops him.
Levi cracks a lid open "Stay."
"Are you sure it's safe to leave Hanji alone in the living room?"
"Hmph, what are they gonna do? It's already a mess anyway," he tucks on his arm, nearly yanking him off his feets.
"Alright, alright," Eren surrenders. He quickly takes off his shoes and clothes, throwing them in a corner of the room. As soon as he lies down, Levi rolls to his sides, resting his head on his chest. He's already drifting back to sleep, soothed by the hand gently stroking his hair.
"Good morning! What can I get you?"
"Flat white. Large. Quickly, I'm in a hurry."
"Fuck you," Hanji says, a shit eating grin on their face.
"Excuse you?" The woman says, outrage evident in her voice. "What did you just say to me?"
"Fuck You," They repeat, their smile growing impossibly wide. "That's the name of the drink you've order."
A displease frown appears on the woman face. "I'd like to speak to the manager."
"Sure thing, Coming right up!" They grab a cup. "May I have a name?" The woman stares at her, confusion written all over her face. "I bet it's Sharon," they say writing it down. "You look like a Sharon."
Hanji turns around, and quickly prepares the drink. The woman said she was in a rush after all.
"Here you go! That'll be $5 please."
"What is this?"
"What you've order Ma'am. A Vanilla soy latte with no foam and extra shot." They answer with a mischievous smile.
"I didn't order this," she nearly shouts. "Are you deaf? I said that I'd like to speak to the manager!"
"Yea… that's the name of the drink Ma'am." They point at the board above their head.
Her face reddens as she opens her mouth, but Hanji cuts her off before she has the chance to speak.
"You better go now, Sharon. You're holding the line."
The woman furiously slaps a $5 bill on the counter, and stalks away.
Levi blinks, mouth hanging agape."That was amazing," he fights the urge to claps.
"Thank you, thank you. But you nearly deserve all the credit. You're the one that came up with this idea."
"How did you get Erwin's approval?" he asks incredulity in his voice.
"Eh, well, I didn't," they answer, rubbing the back of their neck. "I just came in early and re-write the boards."
Levi shakes his head, chuckling. Of course Hanji would do that without their boss permission. "Guess I'll have a new co-worker by the end of the week then."
"I wouldn't be so sure about that short-stuff." A devilish smile on their face Hanji takes out their phone. "See one of the 'soccer moms' I've served this morning wasn't too happy with our new menu. So she took the whole story to twitter and even made a petition to close up the place." They slide their phone on the counter."And it blew up! But not in the way she expected. Everyone is loving the idea. The so-called 'angry coffee shop' is the new place to be! We've been packed with customers all day."
"Speaking of which, some help would be much appreciated Hanji!" A panicked voice calls from behind them.
"Don't worry Moblit. You got this!" They say waving their hand dismissively at him. They focus back on Levi and frown. "What's wrong Levi? I thought you would be happy."
He raises his head from his hand and whispers, eyes wide "We're gonna have to deal with even more customers."
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