A sigh escapes Castiel's mouth as his head hits a pillow. Their gasps fill the night air. Neither of them moves, they just stare into the dark that surrounds them, trying to calm down the fast beating of their hearts.
"Fuck, Cas– Wow," Dean doesn't even try to hide the astonishment in his voice, but Cas is quiet.
Dean turns left to wrap his arm around Cas and settle both of them to sleep, but then he notices in the faint glow of the moonlight concerned look on the ex-angel's face.
"Cas, you okay?" he whispers, worried.
Cas sighs.
"You know what I miss the most about being an angel?"
Dean's face falls. This already sounds pretty depressing, definitely not a good topic for after such an awesome sex. But this is Cas and he is still far from okay with his Fall, so no matter how chick-flick it is, if Cas needs comfort, Dean is gonna provide it.
"I don't know... flying? Being badass? Hey, you still are–"
Cas lets out a small huff of air as his lip curls up slightly. It isn't exactly a smile, and it's definitely not that bitter, broken grin that still haunts Dean in his nightmares, more frequent since Cas became human, so that's good.
"Well, that too." Cas's voice is calm. "The list is long, I suppose." He doesn't take his eyes off the ceiling, hidden somewhere in the darkness above them. "But the thing I miss the most right now... Wherever I am around you..."
He pauses and the pause lasts five, ten, twenty seconds. Dean just keeps staring at his profile, growing more and more unsure of whether he should say something or wait for him to continue. But whatever Cas is going to say, it seems to need some courage to confess. Former angel takes a breath and finally breaks the silence.
"I miss seeing you," he mutters and before Dean can frown confused, he adds, "I miss being able to see your soul"
"Ah," is all Dean can say at that. Well, other than something along Why would you miss seeing something so ugly and broken, but those words wouldn't pass his throat in a moment like this. Millions of things – from immortality and hearing music of the spheres to just being something more than fragile flesh and he manages to make it about Dean again? That is wrong in so many ways.
"It's so beautiful. So pure and bright, the brightest I've ever seen. Even after Hell, after everything… I wish– I wish you could see it, Dean. Maybe then you'd understand how good you are." He goes silent for a bit, but not long enough to let Dean answer. "But the way it started changing, how different it started becoming whenever you looked at me? It could sometimes outshine your eyes. I didn't understand it at first how with time it felt different, looked different. Warm and restless… In Purgatory its light let me locate you from miles away and allowed me to keep the distance. But that was back then when I let myself believe that– Well, anyway I don't see it anymore, it's just your face and your eyes and your body on mine and– I guess that should be enough. But then? When I saw the way it longed towards my grace, towards me– I've never felt more certain, that–"
"Cas, stop!" he says it maybe a bit more harshly than he planned, but he can't let Cas finish that sentence, because he knows exactly what he's going to say and hell if he'll let Cas speak for him. Because the soul seeing shit isn't about Dean at all and now he totally starts feeling like crap for making Cas miss that certainty. And it pretty much sucks that it took him much longer to figure out than it took Cas. Plus, they've fucked for, what – three months now? And Dean still hasn't gotten the courage to assure him about a thing that used to be so obvious to the angel before.
Yeah, well, he surely does feel like crap right now.
Especially with that poorly hidden mixture of confusion, grief and deep disappointment on Castiel's face at Dean's little panicked reaction, because Dean fucks up everything and this needs to be fixed ASAP.
"Hey, Cas, man. I just can't let you finish that," he begins, finding Cas's palm under the covers and shit, those better not be tears glimmering in his eyes as he looks away from Dean. "Shit, Cas, just look at me!" and, thank God, Cas does, resigned.
"It doesn't matter Dean, I shouldn't have started–"
"Fuck man, just listen to me. I couldn't let you finish, because I know what you were going to say and there is no way in hell I'm letting you say it. You're not saying it for me." He leans to kiss Castiel's jaw, because he can't bear the look on his face. "See, I'm sorry that now you have only my eyes," he continues, having gotten Cas' full attention, "and my pretty face and that it has to be enough. But you know that, whether you see it or not, my soul must be still doing the backflips or whatever, because I fucking love you just as much?" He doesn't miss the change in Cas expression and the silent gasp at the l-word. "Or even more, because now you're mine."
"Dean." And now it's Cas that's left speechless and if there's one thing that Dean's done right in his life, that was it and Castiel's reaction is the proof.
"Yeah, Cas, I love you. What the hell were you thinking?" That's when Dean starts laughing and his body shakes, because, damn, it feels good. Why has he even waited this long? "You know I'm an idiot who's allergic to words, but if you ever doubt it again, I'm gonna kick your sweet ass, baby"
The ex-angel looks so astounded and so freaking blissful as if he saw God himself and for that Dean too kind of wants to slap himself, because Cas was never supposed to look at him like that, but he does and all Dean needs is to have him feel like this forever.
"Dean," Cas repeats, and with that he can finally rise his head to kiss the shit out of Dean and pull his body closer to his, bury himself in Dean's heat and with an awe and an apology whispers "I love you too, Dean" into his skin.