Little Green Guys
The sound of crunching from the kitchen was followed by a little twitter of satisfied amusement.
"I hate it when he gets like this," Ralph Hinckley murmured, not for the first time that day. He gazed at himself in the bedroom mirror, ignoring his tousled blond curls and clean-cut surfer tan to frown critically at the knot in his tie. "It's too hot for the suit."
His wife, Pam, popped her head out of the bathroom. "The suit?" she echoed suspiciously. "You have it on?"
Ralph tugged the collar of his white dress shirt enough for Pam to see the red crew collar hidden beneath. "Bill insisted."
"I thought he said this was a retirement party for some Bureau big-wig." She walked into the bedroom. The soft fabric of her vivid red dress appeared to caress her tall, elegant figure, stirring in Ralph a desire to do a little caressing of his own.
"Wow," he mouthed appreciatively.
Pam smiled, then scowled. "What's he up to?"
Ralph sighed. "With Bill, you never know."
"Hey, guys, what's keeping you?" demanded an impatient voice from the direction of the kitchen.
The couple exchanged looks of resignation before heading reluctantly to join their friend.
Bill Maxwell was dressed conservatively for a change, opting for a three-piece suit of bureaucratic charcoal gray. "Well, it's about time," he grumbled, chomping on another dog biscuit. He'd developed an addiction for the doggy treats, and the Hinckley's kept a good supply on hand for him.
Ralph leaned against the kitchen counter and folded his arms, "Bill, explain to us again why I have to wear the suit."
"And why," Pam chimed in, "besides your insistence that we'll love the free lunch, we're attending a retirement party for someone Ralph and I have never met."
"Gilroy's a pain in the ass," Bill said. "It'll be good to see him off."
"Bill, the suit?" Ralph prompted.
Maxwell grinned at some private thought. "I just want to know it's there."
"Why?"
"Well, you know -- "
"No, Bill, I don't know. Tell me."
Bill sighed. "All right, I'll tell you. Mulder's going to be there."
This caused Ralph and Pam even more confusion. "Mulder?"
"Yeah. We call him 'Spooky' Mulder in the Bureau. He's a UFO geek, always running around looking for proof of little green guys."
Ralph was still lost. "And the purpose of the suit --?" he encouraged.
"I always give the kid a hard time when I see him," Bill explained. "You know, about believing in ET and all that stuff." Bill chuckled. "Now I'm the one whose actually met the little green guys, and Mulder's still running around in crop circles or something."
Pam didn't care to pursue the odd imagery this statement conjured. "You're not going to tell him about Ralph and the suit, are you?" she demanded, appalled.
"Nah, I just want the satisfaction of knowing the suit's there, right under his nose." Bill smacked the biscuit box onto the counter with finality. "Come on," he urged, "it's gonna be great." He urged them toward the door.
"Yeah, great," Ralph and Pam echoed reluctantly.
******
"I hate it when you get like this," FBI agent Dana Scully said as she snagged Mulder's tie up around his neck.
"I don't want to go," Mulder repeated for the umpteenth time, as if repetition might miraculously change wish to reality.
"Why?"
Mulder's face scrunched up like a petulant child's. "He's going to be there."
Scully was confused. "Gilroy? It's his retirement party. He's supposed to be there."
"No, not Gilroy, much as I detest the thought of seeing his arrogant face again." It was just bad luck the retirement celebration coincided with the pair's presence in LA. Deputy Director Skinner had made it very clear he expected a DC presence at the event, and since two of his agents just happened to be in the area -- . Mulder pulled his thoughts back to the real reason for his protest. "Maxwell."
"Maxwell? I don't think I know him."
"He's a West Coast agent. We haven't had to deal with him yet."
"And what's so scary about this Maxwell?" Scully asked, buttoning the jacket of her lightweight two-piece suit.
Mulder shrugged into his suit jacket while he searched for words. "He knows about my interest in UFO's."
Scully sighed. This wasn't going to be easy. "Mulder, everyone knows about your interest in UFO's. Why is his skepticism any different?"
"Because he hovers around me and -- twitters."
"Twitters?"
"A maniacal little chuckle," Mulder went on. "He's more than just skeptical. He's -- insulting."
Dana grinned suddenly. "You mean he teases you?"
Mulder deflated. "Unmercifully."
"You're a big boy. You can handle it." Dana steered him toward the door of the hotel room. "Let's go."
******
Mulder was selecting something from the buffet when he heard the evil little chuckle he dreaded. "Hello, Bill," he said resignedly, turning to face the music.
Maxwell beamed at him. "Mulder, glad you could make it."
"Uh-huh," Mulder returned noncommittally. "OK, Bill, get it over with."
Maxwell feigned ignorance. "Get what over with?"
Scully stepped up to them. "Hi -- Dana Scully," she introduced herself, trying to divert the conversation.
Mulder fumbled through introductions, and Maxwell shook her hand enthusiastically. "Another UFO nut?" he inquired pleasantly. "Seen any little green guys lately?"
Dana smiled indulgently. "As Mulder's partner in the X-Files, I've help investigate a lot of strange cases. Unfortunately, no little green guys yet. How about you?"
"Me?" Bill chuckled again. "Yeah, I've seen 'em," he admitted.
"What?" Dana said involuntarily. Mulder groaned. This was going to be worse than he imagined.
"Seen 'em," Bill repeated with finality. "Talked to 'em. Even went into their spaceship once." He turned, grabbed a sleeve in the crowd and withdrew a curly-haired blond man who appeared startled by his sudden relocation. "Meet Ralph."
"Hi," Ralph said hesitantly. He searched the party crowd futility for Pam.
"Ralph, this is Fox Mulder and Dana Scully."
"Pleased to meet you," Ralph said politely. He shook hands with both agents and tried to calm his jumbled thoughts. Like Mulder, but for very different reasons, he was worried where Maxwell was going to lead the conversation.
"Tell them," Bill instructed.
"Tell them?" Ralph parroted stupidly.
"About the ship and the suit."
Ralph couldn't believe his ears. "The ship and the suit." He knew he was sounding like a complete idiot, but he couldn't help himself.
Maxwell explained for the benefit of the others. "Ralph's seen 'em, too. They talk to him through his car radio."
"Really," Mulder sighed.
"And they gave him this suit, turns him into Superman. Right, Ralph?"
"Uh, right," Ralph agreed, smiling to show he was indulging Maxwell's fantasy without actually endorsing it. He wondered if the suit gave him the power to shrink until he could flee under the buffet table and hide. Maybe 'til Christmas.
"See, Mulder," Bill went on with enthusiasm, "I think maybe you should open one of those X-Files on Ralph."
"It's definitely -- interesting," Mulder murmured, his own embarrassment making him feel as small as Ralph wished he himself could become.
"Yeah, the suit has all these special powers -- "
"Bill -- " Ralph interrupted warningly.
"It's OK, Ralph." Bill plowed on unheeding. "Mulder's a believer. He's -- simpatico. He understands these things. Right Mulder?"
Mulder and Ralph exchanged looks that spoke volumes. "Absolutely," Mulder agreed with sincerity, but he wasn't talking about UFO's or X-Files. Ralph smiled and nodded in commiseration.
"Let's see," Bill went on, oblivious to the fact that he had lost control of his audience. He started ticking off points on his fingers. "There's flight, super-human strength, x-ray vision, invisibility -- "
"The suit also makes me irresistible to women," Ralph cut in.
"Huh?" Bill said, confused.
"You can eat a ton of junk food and not gain an ounce," Dana added.
"Swill beer like a pig and never have to pee," Mulder opined.
"Understand the lyrics to rap music," Ralph added.
"Program your VCR telepathically," Dana suggested.
Bill's gaze shifted back and forth as they bantered. His expression remained serious, although he finally realized he was being teased. "Damn, Ralph, you never told me the suit could do all that."
Then all four suddenly found themselves laughing, the tension gone between them. Part of it was the humor of the moment, but some of the unexpected camaraderie was because Bill Maxwell, despite his heavy-handed sarcasm, could be nothing else but a believer, albeit a reluctant one. Ralph was living proof of Mulder's quest, although he could never reveal it. Bill was -- simpatico.
He flung his arm around Mulder's shoulder. "Now, let's go find the that bastard Gilroy and wish him good riddance."
"You mean a happy retirement," Mulder corrected.
"Whatever."
THE END