You know the worst thing about this shithole?
There are no chicks here.
There's plenty of good booze and couches to pass out on, but the lack of tits is really starting to bug me, you know? At least in 'nee-san's castle, there were women. I mean, I couldn't really tell because everybody was wearing masks, but I remember this one time when two beautiful blond maids came out of nowhere and we drank ourselves shitfaced. That was back then.
But here? Boobs are rare as the steak I eat.
Nah, you know what - I take that shit back, it's not even the titlessness that grinds my gears. Women are good and all, but they ain't ranking first on my necessities list.
The worst thing about this shithole? There ain't no hospitality.
Where the hell are the servants? Hell, I ain't sticking around long enough in a room to clean it up. What the fuck am I - a maid? Fuck that shit.
Tch, the folks in this place are dickless faggots. Noah is one shitty meal ticket compared to 'nee-san. He doesn't give two shits what happens to his subordinates, just so as long as… no fuck that he doesn't give two shits either way. We could drop dead and he'd be all ANOTHER ONE FOR MY COLLECTION OHOHO. We could set the shitty church on fire and he'd just be looking at that goddamn book with a hand lens, sipping his fancy tea. Tch, bastard.
Then there's his chucklefuck in bellbottoms, Golfer - Gopher - Gofer or whatever. Complete ass-kisser, that one. He'd lick Noah's feet if he could - it makes me sick.
The Death-bastard's kid is somewhere here too, not that I really give a damn or anything. He can rot for all I care - it'd serve the skullfaced bastard right.
But the one who should just lie down and die is the shitty ex-Shibusen priest. He was a smug little shit before, but now he's just a complete douche, you know. The kid got a personality switch from Shibusen's ass-kissing deaf scythe to batshit insane psycho, you know. Tch, now he comes off looking like a rapist these days with his scary-as-fuck clown radiating this oppressive aura wherever he goes.
Shit! What the hell is up with that faggot? I thought he'd more tolerable now that we're on the same side wait no I'm completely lying n/m we're dickwaving rivals forever –
Heh.
Well. Fuck.
Speak of the devil.
Here's the holy roller up in here. What's he doing at my door at this hour?
"What the fuck are you lookin' at, Father?" I call out.
The bastard just stands there like an overgrown rock, staring at me like I'm the most fucking interesting thing in the whole goddamned church - hell I probably am, what with Noah and Gopher being complete douchefags. It still isn't a reason to ogle, you cunt.
Before I can tell him to piss right off, the priest sighs. Dramatically.
"Why must you always resort to cursing? I didn't realize 800 years hasn't taught you a single thing in terms of vocabulary."
Fffffff -
"WHY YOU—" I leap off the couch, still clutching the booze. "WHY YOU GOTTA BE LIKE THAT, YOU SHITTY PRIEST? YOU KNOW THAT JUST PISSES ME OFF!"
"Thus, why I said what I said."
"YOU SMUG SHIT! I'LL FUCKIN' SHOVE THIS BOTTLE DOWN YOUR THROAT, YEAH?!"
"There's no need to shout." He looks remarkably unamused. "I can hear you just fine."
"SHIT! That's not what you said all those other times!" I shove a finger in his face. "If you weren't readin' my lips right now, you wouldn't know goddamn shit what I was saying, amirite?"
His eyes drift away vaguely. "Hmm. Yes, whatever. You should know that Noah is calling for a meeting to discuss how to handle Maka Albarn. He expects you to be there."
I calm down a bit. Oi, so that's what the prick is here for? Playing messenger boy? Tch, why am I not surprised? First he's the Death-bastard's lapdog, now he's Noah's wagging puppy. Once an ass-kisser, always an ass-kisser.
I sprawl back on the sofa and take a swing of my whiskey. "Tch, thanks for the heads up, douchepope – I'll keep it mind. Now piss off before I chop you into priest bits."
The bastard doesn't budge. "He wants you there now."
Shit! What, does he think he's my mom? "Yeah, I fucking heard the first time. I'll be down as soon as I finish off my booze. And if you're fucking deaf as you let on, that means SCRAM, bastard. I drink alone!"
He remains.
I squint at him. "What part of piss off do you not understand?!"
No reaction. He looks occupied with something else.
Nnggh, I'm really losing my patience now. Is the kid possessed or something? "Oi! Priest! What the bleeding fuck is wrong with you?"
…
I am this close to revving up my sawfoot and taking out a good chunk of the priest's ribs just to see if his shitty heart is still beating, the douche – when all of a sudden completely out of the fucking blue the kid is inches in front of me before I could even see him moving and fuck fuck fuck he could actually kill me right now -- I cover my body in chains, ready to block the blade and counterattack –
I hear the sound of liquid hitting the floor.
"… So you'll come with me if all this is gone? Fair enough."
I blink. Where did he go? He's behind me. Shit, how did he get behind me? I didn't even see him move – I didn't even –
I turn around.
He's pouring my whiskey on the ground. My last bottle.
…
…
What. WHAT.
ASDLFKJLA;S OH NO YOU DIDN'T JUST DO THAT.
…
And he's smiling.
…
I twitch.
"Hehehehehe –"
My body shakes with tremors. Kicking it into second gear and all of a sudden the room is filled with revv revvv revvvv -
A maniacal grin smears my lips.
Hey!! Guess what, holy bastard? There's a CRAZY ANGRY chainsaw rushing at you whose lever has been jammed into PERMANENT KILL MODE WATCHOUTHEREICOME -
"YOU'RE IN FOR IT NOW, FATHER. FUCK WITH ME, WHY DON'T YOU?! HUH?! I'LL CHOP YOU UP GOOD!"
- THE ENGINE IS ON - there's a sawfoot dropkick coming down on your head —
- he dodges it, fuck!, and the table busts in two, splinters flying everywhere -
- I aim a side sweep at his feet -
- dodged -
- a kick at his ribs -
- dodged, and my foot sends chunks of the sofa flying like popcorn - shit how does this kid get off jumping around like that?!
- now the bed's missing half a headboard -
- hell lotta good the mirror will do now -
I let out a roar of frustration as the priest evades my last roundhouse with a backwards leap and somersaults out of my reach like a feckin' acrobat. HOW DARE HE NOT STAY IN ONE PLACE. HOW DARE HE MOVE AROUND AND BE A DIFFICULT TARGET.
I sneer at him from across the room. "Tch! What's wrong?! Why don't you stand up and fight?"
All he does is stand up and dust his coat off, not even fazed. Looks at me like I'm some mewing kitten. I can hear his earphones still blasting away from halfway across the room, but I know he read my lips. "Mmm. This is getting boring. If you're so opposed to attending the meeting, then I'll just leave."
Then he turns around and makes his way towards the door.
ASDFJKL … THE HELL?!
I gape after him like a stupid asshole before my mind finally registers his words.
"OI. COME BACK HERE, YOU SHITTY FATHER! I'M NOT THROUGH WITH YOU YET! HEY - HEY!! ARE YOU IGNORING ME?! YOU THINK YOU CAN IGNORE ME?!"
And he ignores me. HE IGNORES ME. He walks off like I'm not even there the arrogant bastard!!
Fuck! The little shit! Where the hell does he get off not taking me seriously, huh?! What the fuck does he think I am, huh?!! Like I'm some freakshow he can watch for entertainment. Is that what he thinks I am, huh? Huh?! I'M NOT FUCKIN' ENTERTAINMENT, YOU FAGGOT. FUCK YOU AND THE HOLY HORSE YOU RODE IN ON –
YOU COME BACK HERE. YOU COME BACK HERE OR I'LL –
Jamming into third gear, I shred over to the priest before he can set foot through the door, my mind on just one fucking thing at the moment - making that holy bastard suffer in any way possible – no not even that –
Not even that –
I just want to see some emotion from him.
And then I'm right there as close to him as he was to me (all I can think is how he didn't even put an ounce of effort in our fight the fucker the fucker!) – and I see the brief scan of his dull, shitty blue eyes as he turns around, the feel of his breath against my neck, and the bass pounding from his earphones –
Those earphones.
Those fucking earphones.
HOW LONG HAVE I WANTED TO RIP THOSE FUCKING BLASTED THINGS FROM HIS EARS?!!
One hand grabs him by the shoulder as I rip the earphones from his ears – there's a 'pop' as the buds are yanked out – wires fly around his head like streams of blood –
– they fly through the air before hitting my palm – I stare at them in my hand, so this is the piece of shit the priest loves so much and now they're mine MINE –
– the pair of Kishin eyes stare right back at me and for some reason a cold chill runs up my spine –
Then I close my fingers and crush them in my hand, the satisfying crunch of electronic pieces is music to my ears, wirey bits squirting from between my fingers.
There's a huge gigantic grin on my face when I shove him away from me.
"HA! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, YOU SHITTY FATHER? HOW DO YA FUCKIN' LIKE THAT, HUH?! I JUST DESTROYED THE ONE THING PRECIOUS TO YOU – YOU SHOULDA TAKEN ME SERIOUSLY, BASTARD!"
I snarl a laugh and hungrily wait for his reaction – to see a flicker of emotion in his eyes –
…
The priest doesn't give me the reaction I wanted. That is to say, he doesn't give me any reaction. None at all. Zip, zilch, nada. I just destroyed the twat's holiest of holy precious earphones and all he does is fucking stare at me like a retarded cat.
Then he shrugs.
"So what?"
…
…
What the shit. Just what the shit.
I stand there, gaping at him like a stupid asshole. For a second, I really think it isn't the real Justin Law standing in front of me. And then it hits me.
I crack into roaring laughter. The cunt is pretending! He's completely pretending! Justin Law cannot live two minutes without his goddamn earphones - it's like his fucking life support. He's probably bawling like a baby inside! The bastard looks at me, completely uninterested, but I can see right through his façade.
"FUCK IT, priest! This is real fucking funny, you know?! You can act high and mighty all you want but without your precious earphones you actually have to listen to what I s –"
Justin plugs his fingers into his ears.
"–ay…"
And he just… walks off with his fingers in his ears, humming to himself.
He just leaves.
Like that.
Like it's the most normal thing in the world.
He acts as if he doesn't give a flying hoot that he doesn't have his headphones anymore – oi your archrival just destroyed them forever and ever why don't you care what is wrong with you fucking shitty Father?
This is so wrong on so many levels.
No fucking way this is Justin Law, explosive executioner and one fucking annoying priest. No fucking way in hell—
And I just stand there, gaping after at him like a stupid asshole as he walks down the hallway and out of my sight.
Well…
Just.
Shit.
In the end, I never went to Noah's shitty meeting. Worst thing he was gonna do was chew me out, which was worth not having to see the priest's blank face again. Pft, screw that - Noah wouldn't even put in the effort hunting me down.
Somebody down there must like me because I stumbled upon a stash of booze after the kid left. It was some shitty cheap beer not like the whiskey, but hell – it was enough to get me absolutely shitfaced.
The entire night I was drinking a shot for every person who kicked the bucket that I didn't give a shit about their death. Life's cheap, you know? Shit's ain't important, you know? I would know—I went through 800 years of leading one boring, pretend life after the other… all for 'nee-san's return. 800 years, 30 generations—what the hell is up with that? A month later, big sis went and got herself killed by that Shibusen brat. Shit! That bitch was so stupid - arrogant – the fuck was she thinking?! -- hn.
Forget it. Shit's ain't important.
One for that mosquito twat.
One for the henchman that cleaned my room back at Arachnophobia.
One for… nah. Arachne didn't deserve to die. Not like that. Not so soon. She didn't deserve it, you know?
"…'stupid big sis git herself killed… fuckin' Shibusen brat… fuckin' skullface death bastard…"
I ran through a whole dozen bottles of beer before passing out cold.
Sometime in the late late afternoon, I open my eyes to see that I'm on the ground. I passed out on the ground. Like a responsible adult. Yeaaaah.
WELL THERE AIN'T NO COUCH TO SLEEP ON ANYMORE I MEAN I KINDA SMASHED IT GETTOFMYBACKOKAY?!
Rolling over to my side, I barely have time to groan when—
"So, you're finally awake. You slept through the entire day. What a wonderful waste of time."
… who the hell is that? It ain't the priest, for sure.
I scope out my surroundings and squint into the distance. Short guy… dark hair… bellbottoms…
Well shit, it's the hedgehog.
Gopher struts over, scrupulously avoiding the empty bottles in his path because he doesn't want to get shitty beer on his precious bellbottoms, the little fag. He looms over me, arms crossed, looking at my condition with obvious distaste. "What are you doing on the floor?"
I get up and rub my head. What is this – twenty questions? Of all the people why did I have to wake up to this asshole. Tch, better him than the priest I suppose.
"Oi, nothing important. Just gettin' into posture, straightening my bac - WHAT THE SHIT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING ON THE FLOOR? No, I just love to fuckin' sleep on the hard, stone ground!"
Gopher narrows his eyes and looks extremely offended, like I just told off his mom. Yeah that's right bitch, go running back to your precious Noah-sama and tell him how the big bad chainsaw used dirty words. Tch, douche.
"It'd serve you well not to act disrespectful, if you know what's good for you. Noah-sama is already displeased with you due to your lack of attendance at his meeting," he says, all serious and shit like me not being there was a personal affront to his ego.
I snort. "What's good for me? What's good for me?! Hey! I'll tell you what's good for me! Noah-sama can suck my –"
"SILENCE!" he shouts. "How dare you! Who do you think you are talking about Noah-sama like that? You filthy whelp! Shut your mouth lest I shut it for you!"
I grin; the bitch is turning red now. "That so? Is that a challenge, huh? You wanna fight, huh? I'LL FUCKING CRUSH YOU!" I ease into a dark chuckle. "… except maybe Noah-sama might be mad that you're wasting your time fuckin' around with your coworkers rather than being productive, amirite?"
I waggle my eyebrows at him – he knows I'm right. His eyeballs look like they're gonna burst from his skull.
"YOU DO NOT SPEAK OF NOAH-SAMA. YOU KNOW NOTHING OF HIM, YOU MONSTER."
Tch. Real intimidating, this one. He almost reminds me of that mosquito bastard. Come to think of it, they're just like two peas in a pod. All BLAH BLAH I'M GOING TO TAKE MY MASTER'S PROBLEMS INTO MY OWN HANDS up in here. All ONLY I CAN FULFILL YOUR NEEDS FOREVER MASTER–SAMA up in here. Shit! Bitches on a leash, man. They're practically sucking dicks here.
And you shits look down on me like I'm fucking low-class?
Pfft!
"Oi! Listen up, you! This shithole doesn't appreciate his boss's subordinates getting off to acting on the boss's behalf, when the bossman himself doesn't give a flying shit what I do – unlike you, fag hag. Isn't it right the only reason why he even had that meeting was because you couldn't get the Shibusen brat like you promised, huh? SO MUCH FOR PLEASING NOAH-SAMA, HUH?!"
"…!!!"
Heh, shit. He's a frickin' tomato now. He's trembling in rage. That was the final straw for the bastard. He's got veins popping from his temple and his mouth drawn into that stupid v-shaped thing he does whenever he gets seriously pissed. Cardiac arrest, man – wait no those things don't happen to us not-humans.
"YOU IMPUDENT – YOU – YOU –" Finally, the dick snaps. "I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH THE BODY NOAH-SAMA CREATED FOR ME."
WHY THE FUCK NOT, EH?! A FIGHT AS SOON AS I WAKE UP? WELL SHIT, HANUKKAH CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.
"OI! YOU WANNA START SOMETHING, HUH?! BRING IT!"
Jack up the sawfoot to second gear – that should be enough to handle this pussy. ENGINE ON. CRAZYFACE ON.
Gopher screams, and all of a sudden, his stomach bursts open like a pair of huge jaws.
What? What? What the shit is this? And he calls me a monster?! Fuck! Where does Noah get off creating shit like this?!
And now there's a massive ball of light forming from his stomach. How to handle this one, how to handle this one – dodge or third gear? C'mon, c'mon… think!
Fuck! No time to go into third gear!
"Ahhhh…"
OI… WHOA. WHOA.
WHAT'S UP WITH THAT FACE? WHY ARE HIS EYES DOING THAT?!
WHAT THE FUCK.
IS HE – IS HE ORGASMING?!
"NOAH-SAMAAAAAA!"
…
…
… WHAT THE FUCK, MAN. JUST WHAT THE FUCK.
– DODGE TIME. LIKE COMPLETE FUCKING DODGE TIME.
Switching quickly into second gear, I manage to sawfoot my way out the line of fire. The wall, on the other hand, ain't so lucky.
…
Wait.
WHY IS IT STILL FOLLOWING ME?! WHAT THE SHIT IS GOING ON?!
Gopher is bent over his ass in a fit of giggles. "HEHEHEHE… IT'S POWERED BY MY WRATH – IT WILL FOLLOW YOU WHEREVER YOU GO! MY HATRED SPANS FOR MILES! NOW FEEL MY ALL-ENCOMPASSING FEELINGS FOR NOAH-SAMA!!"
… … … … YOU ARE ONE SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP DOUCHEFAG, GOPHER.
AND –
WHY –
BRB RUNNING FOR MY LIFE NOW
I sawfoot out into the hallway and head towards SOMEWHERE AHHH THERE'S A CREEPY-ASS WAVELENGTH FOLLOWING ME –
SHIT! STOP FOLLOWING ME!!
AH –
SHIT –
FUCK –
OH SHIT OH SHIT FUCK THIS SHIT I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS CRAP. I'M A BUSY MAN. I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY TO PLAY WITH DOUCHE MCFAGGOT. I HAVE THINGS TO DO. I NEED TO FIND SOME BOOZE.
Okay so third gear is the only thing that can obliterate that wavelength that I can come up off the top of my head – but shit shit there's no TIME to kick into third gear! I'm 'lready having trouble staying in second with that shit ball soul thing hot on my heels and all!
Reverse Rotation? Tch, useless! Damn, why do all my opponents have to have massive-ass soul wavelengths?
I do not specialize in wavelengths. I do not specialize in wavelengths. I do not –
I'm a chainsaw, dammit! What the frick do I need a soul wavelength for?!
Wait. WAIT.
What the hell am I doing? I'm not just a chainsaw – I'm also a MASTER GOLEM ENCHANTER.
FUCK THIS DRAMA –
GOLEM TIME!!!
…
Gopher is still chortling away like a little bitch by the time the golem comes thundering through the hole in the wall. His expression is great. It just… falls. He does that upper lip thing again when he sees the hulking thirty odd foot golem wielding me in my full chainsaw form – I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON WHY I HAD A WAVELENGTH. IT WAS TO KICK ASS YISSS. I RIPPED APART HIS CREEPY SOUL LIKE A SMASHED HEART, TCH!
"…you…" he stammers. His eyes bulge.
The golem raises its arm, the chainsaw buzzing like it's the frickin' loudest, deadliest thing on earth.
A second later, Gopher runs out my room screaming bloody murder.
…
SCORE.
Transforming back, I give myself a mental pat on the back. Good job, Giriko. Good job. Man am I an asshole or WHAT?
Hahaha.
Now to find more booze.
Before I leave, I erase the 'e' from 'emeth' stamped on the golem and its goes immobile. Just in case. I don't want no wiseass using my golem for whatever the shit.
I spend the rest of the afternoon probing the church. Fifteen hallways and a billion rooms later, there is no booze and I hate everything. Was that a confessional back there? The fuck? Tch, I hate this frickin' church, I hate the frickin' faggots in it, I hate everything about everything.
And what I hate the most? There is no booze sorry I already said that n/m sorry.
Rounding another corner, I stop.
There's the priest. Without his headphones.
Eyes closed, back against the wall, Justin is humming to the beat of some dull thuds, wearing the expression like he's listening to a lullaby. Dull thuds? What's going on there? Something's going on in the room there but hell if I know what.
"Damn – shinigami – damn – you!"
Oi. Oi.
It's Gopher again. I almost forgot – that's how he blows off steam, by beating the ever-loving shit out of the shinigami-bastard's kid. Hah! I served his ass on a platter. He's good for something at least.
I really don't want to see the priest. I have a reputation to maintain, but no energy to maintain it. It's the damn kid's fault. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO UNPREDICTABLE, HUH? Without the earphones, what buttons am I supposed to push now? Goddamn!
Funny thing is, without his earphones, he can hear me and my not-sugar-plum-fairy footsteps. Plan: Steal the bastard's headphones? Backfired in ways I would have never seen coming. Shit.
Before I can sneak away, his eyes settle on me. "Yes?"
Realizing there's no way out of this, I play it cool. I walk over to him.
"Tch, I see that you found other ways to satisfy your music obsession. Don't you do anything else other than listen to beats? Go read your bible or something. You like that shit, right?"
He regards me with an uninterested look. "Don't you do anything else other than drink yourself into a coma?"
"Pfft, that's a helluva lot better than hearing voices in your head!"
"Yes, and one of them is loud and irritating. Can you guess which one?"
Because I take everything offensively forever, it's no big surprise I get riled up. "Oi! If you didn't want to hear my loud, irritating voice why don't you just plug your fingers back into your ears, you know!"
To my dismay, Justin actually takes my advice. That dick! Why he gotta be like that?
I go and kick him – HAH TAKE THAT. He evades my foot. With a snarl, I start launching a bunch of kicks in his direction.
"GET YOUR FINGERS OUT OF YOUR EARS, YOU BASTARD. You really piss me off, you know! What's your problem, huh? What's your problem?!"
"Say what now?" He's upholding total physical avoidance with his fingers still in his ears. Damn, do I have to chop of his fingers now?!
"QUIT PRETENDING, YOU CUNT! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!!"
Blink blink. "Say what now? It's hard to read your lips when you open your mouth so wide!"
A;SLKJF HEY YOU. GUESS WHO'S GOIN' INTO CHAINSAW MODE AGAIN?! God, how many times can I get to rev this thing up every day?! My life is fucking great, you know! Now what would make my life even better? IF I CAN BEHEAD THIS BITCH.
Because I'm firm believer that only faggots learn from their mistakes, I go blindly slashing away at the kid who just dodges every one of my kicks with all the grace of a ballerina. Fuck-de-la-dee-da.
I run out of energy after a few minutes of this shitty old song and dance – I kick, he dodges, I curse, he ignores me – the works.
Finally, the bastard takes his holy fingers out of his ears. "I'm sorry. Are you angry at me because I'm not threatened by you?" he asks.
Just hearing that nearly gets me going again. "FFFFF – YOU DAMN WELL KNOW WHY I'M PISSED OFF."
"I squandered your alcohol?" Innocent face. How can the kid still get away with doing that? He looks like a fucking rapist half the times, tch. "There's always more, you know."
Fuck! He knows why I'm angry at him, he knows it! It's because I can't get a reaction out of him other than blah blah blah WITTY APATHETIC RETORT. He doesn't take me seriously and that pisses the shit out of me! But admitting that is admitting defeat so have another sawfoot kick aimed at your neck guillotine cunt.
Another leap and dodge, and once he lands on his feet, he just sighs. "Why do you insist on wasting my time like this? It's getting dull. I think I'm going t-"
Before he can finish,
I punch him the face.
The bastard doesn't see it coming – hell I didn't see that coming but whatever 'cause he takes the full blow, he didn't expect a punch; Girikos don't punch they kick –
He hits the wall and slides down with a groan that makes my spine tingle.
That.
I want that.
Let me hear that again, priest! The groan of pain! The agony! I want to see you hurt! I'll fucking ruin you – I'll fucking ruin you good heh heh –
"How do you like that, Father? You want more, huh?! Fight me like a man!"
When the cunt gets up, there's something distinctly different about him. Sinister. Serious. Kid gloves off – he's playing this shit for real. A swell of victory rises to my chest. Finally, the fucker takes me seriously! TOOK HIM LONG ENOUGH.
A slightly unbalanced chuckle comes from him. "Fight you, Giriko? I wouldn't waste the time." He wipes away some blood from his chin.
I raise my ears, grinning like a madman. "What? What's that? Is that the sound of my enemy clucking like a coward? Some holy priest you are! I'LL CRUSH YOU!!"
But he just laughs, a light throaty laugh like there's an inside joke that I'm not part of and that really grinds my gears. I snarl. What is this guy's problem? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO MAKE HIM TAKE ME SERIOUSLY?!
"What th' fuck is so funny?"
A titter. His eyes seem menacing now, dark, violent almost. "I didn't want to resort to this, seeing as you're my 'teammate' and all… but…"
Suddenly, the clown materializes from nowhere.
"Noah will forgive me."
Smiling, he snaps his fingers.
"Insanity Fusion."
And the clown smirks.
…
…
ASDFJKLASDFJKL; –
Goddamn it.
GODDAMN IT.
I DO NOT NEED THIS –
I DO NOT NEED ALL MY TEAMMATES TRYING TO KILL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT –
YOU GUYS ARE ALL PSYCHO.
ALL OF YOU.
GOPHER WITH YOUR CREEPY ORGASM STOMACH CANNON AND THE PRIEST HERE WITH THIS SCARY-ASS CLOWN TRANSFORMATION THING – WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS?
IT'S A FUCKING FREAKSHOW UP IN HERE.
AND NOAH.
WHAT THE SHIT IS UP WITH NOAH?
ALL OF YOU ARE PSYCHOS. YOU ARE ALL FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD.
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE PSYCHOPATH. I'M A FUCKING CHAINSAW, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
FUCK YOU ALL. FUCK YOU AND YOUR INSANITY –
AND YOUR CLOWN –
AND YOUR ASURA –
AND YOUR BOOK OF EIBON AND –
FFFFFFFFFFFFF –
The next second passes in a blur.
First, second, third – I haven't even blinked yet and I'm in third gear – how the shit did that happen? Whatever, I don't care.
Everything is in slow motion now –
As I jump up, I see the clown dissembling its body and surrounding around Justin and then I see the spot – I see it I see it – there's an awesome power surging through me as I bring my leg down on that spot –
"SAWFOOT THIRD GEAR—WAVE OF GENOCIDE!"
(and there's a explosion like you wouldn't know it –
I shook it up.
I shook up the whole goddamned place. More than Gopher's stomach cannon. More than Justin's insanity fusion.
I wonder if Noah heard it. I bet the bastard did.)
Debris, wreckage, wall, bricks, dirt kicking up –
When the dust clears, I don't see the clown anywhere.
All I see is Justin lying in this massive hole in the wall, breathing hard and looking disheveled. He's intact, what the fuck. Barely a scratch on him—I think I see maybe one tiny bruise. You mean to tell me my strongest attack only took out the clown? What the fuck, man. What the fuck.
At least the clown's gone, that's for sure.
I make my way over to the kid to get a good look at him. My eyes rake over his body, savoring his hurt expression, one eye shut tightly in pain, the cut on his chin, the patch on dirt on his cheek –
Then he groans, and I think my dick twitched in my pants.
Wait. What.
Shit, when did this happen?
…nrgh, I fully blame this on the lack of pussy.
I leer at him. "You know what, Father? You look real good when you're all hurt like that."
"Che…"
Seeing the kid all beat up like that really made me want a piece of him so I grab him by the front of his coat and haul him up to my level and –
He gasps.
He gasps, and for a second I see his eyes widen, pupils dilating –
There's fear in his eyes.
Beautiful.
…
Without warning, the door slams open and Gopher storms out of the room, holding a marker in one hand for whatever strange ass reason. He doesn't even register the priest's presence; his eyes glued are on me like a burn on a back.
He has the upper lip triangle thing going on again. Shit, he must be angry.
Not taking my eyes off Bellbottoms, I let go of the priest. This is totally natural what are you talking about?
"Nothin' to see here. Just some friendly dickwaving between two rivals, you know? Just like what you and that shinigami bastard were doing up in there." I jab a thumb at the wall that the shinigami kid was behind. Oi, I'm surprised that wall stayed intact, what with my wave of genocide ruining the place and all.
What? What? What did I say? Why you looking at me like that, huh?
Tch, maybe I shouldn't have said that. If Gopher was mad before, now he looks like he's going to completely explode open and LET HIS STOMACH DESTROY EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING AND THEN AND THEN –
And then the big cheese walks in. Yeah, don't laugh you fuckers. It's not funny.
You didn't even have to see him and you'd know that he was there. It was something about his presence, you know? There's this disturbing calmness to it, like nothing can ruffle him, but there's also an all encompassing terror going on there, like a darkness you can't imagine, darker than dark.
In a military hat and all his plaid glory, here's the kingpin, Noah.
One look from him and Gopher is on his knees, rambling out shit – deepest apologies Noah-sama I tried my best to stop this idiot but he was too strong and –
"Is the shinigami harmed?" Noah cuts through his nonsense. Tch! Of course his collection is the first on his list more so than I dunno HIS SUBORDINATES?!
Gopher blanches. He sorta just looks at the marker he's holding and then back at Noah. "… no, he was not harmed from the blast."
Haha, shit to be you, fuckeeer! You finally get the shit coming to you!
A second later, Gopher is groveling into the ground, bawling like a pussy about how I will never disobey you ever again Noah-sama it's just my emotions I can't stop them. Noah didn't even need to say anything. He just had to raise a single eyebrow.
"Silence. I said this before. You are a tool – you have no emotions. "
The look on Gopher's face is orgasm-worthy.
Then he rounds to Justin, surveying his state with a brief look. "He got you bad, didn't he?"
A light chuckle. "I'll be fine."
Noah smiles slightly.
THAT'S BULLSHIT. I SCARRED THE KID FOREVER I KNOW IT THAT LYING BIBLE THUMPER.
His eyes settle on me. I wait for my punishment. For whatever reason, I don't tremor under his stare. What's he gonna do – throw the dewey decimal system at me? Lock me away in his book? Tch, what ever.
He's calm, unaffected by insanity. I'm unaffected by the insanity too. How can I be affected by something that's been building inside of me for 800 shitty years? Justin, you're just a kid, but you'll know – you'll know one day what insanity is truly like. And Gopher – you shithole, you just… you just lay down and die a thousand times over, okay?
But Noah doesn't say anything. All he does is stare at me, as if to look deep into my soul and probe for something that's not there – or maybe it was and it's been hidden away in me for the past 800 years. And just for a single second, for one single second – I back down. I mentally back down. I would never admit it, but… Noah… Noah destroyed 'nee-san and…
Noah closes his eyes.
"Giriko," he says calmly, "I'll kindly ask you not to destroy the church. We will need it if you would like somewhere to sleep."
…
I give him a grin and a salute. "Aye aye, Noah-sama."
When I return to my room that night, it's clean. The wanton destruction is all gone, like it never happened. The gaping hole in the wall from Gopher's orgasm beam? Yeah, not there anymore. No whiskey bottles on the ground, the mirror is fixed, bed has been replaced, and the couch is good as new.
I don't know how the hell any of this happened, but I sure ain't complaining. Don't know what happened, don't need to know what happened, you know?
Winding down on the couch, I find a pleasant surprise by my feet. A brand new bottle of whiskey – the most expensive shit on the market. Tch, somebody down there likes me.
I waste no time opening the shit. Taking a guzzle, I lay back and think back on the good life at Arachnophobia with 'nee-san. 800 years, 30 generations. Leading one shitty boring life after the other until she came back around. But as quickly as she came back she just laid down and died… and now I'm here. With Noah and Gopher and the priest and that fucking creepy clown.
Shit, I don't know which one I prefer.
The door opens. What the feck is it with people coming unannounced into my room? Privacy what's that? Huh!
In comes the priest, looking all fresh. No clown in sight. Inwardly, I relax, though I'd never admit it.
The priest's got no earphones on – you didn't get a new pair from Santa Noah? Aww, he must love me more, the fucker. I got booze and you got zilch.
The priest looks at me with an all-knowing look like he has something important to tell me. Damn, don't tell me you're here because Noah wants another meeting. Because I'll cut you up. I'll cut you up good, Justin. And then I'll rape your shit.
But he says nothing, so I take initiative. I nod my chin at him. "Oi. Douchepope. You itching for a fight or something?"
And surprisingly, yes he is.
"You owe me a new pair of earphones." He smirks – sinister, predatory. He's not afraid of me at all. The glint of fear in his eyes is replaced by a strong, insane lust for vengeance. There's a 'shink' from the blade that comes out of his arm, and goddamn I think I just got hard again.
Clutching the Kishin eye necklace where his cross used to be, Justin raises his head. "Oh God, redeem this sinner's soul for the crime that he has committed."
I grin. "Back to the shitty god thing again? Tch! I thought you grew out of that!!"
He looks back at me with a new resolve in his eyes. Where's the dullness? Where's the boredom?
"Theft is a sin and judgment awaits those who have sinned!" he booms. "Prepare yourself!"
Tossing the whiskey aside, I jump up from the couch as glass shatters and the booze spreads all over the once clean floor. I crack my neck and then my knuckles. Revv – revvv –
"Hey Father! You sure you can fight without your phat beats? You might have trouble coordinating your movements, you know!"
"I do not need the advice of a heretic! Execution commence! LAW-ABIDING SILVER GUN!"
"SAWFOOT, SECOND GEAR!"
Haha, the room needs to be cleaned again.