Incident at the Beginning of the Journey
(the missing passage left out of The Fellowship of the Ring)
"Of all the ridiculous notions," Legolas muttered, "an elf in the company of a dwarf. I ask you! What was my father thinking?!"
"He's obviously just had to accept that dwarves are superior." Gimli spoke up. "This quest is too important to put an elf in charge of it. Your father's wisdom is very rare among elves - most of you are still so stuck up you'd have died before admitting you needed the aid of a dwarf!"
"How dare you!" Legolas cried, "My father is wise indeed, and I have never faulted his judgement. But even you should see that your inclusion on this journey is just a token gesture to keep your miserable little folk happy!"
"Gimli, Legolas," Gandalf sighed, "you are both equally important on this quest. Elrond chose a mix of different peoples for this quest so we would have the combined strength and talents of all of us. Together, we represent all of the free people of Middle Earth, and to the Enemy we ought to present a united front. So stop fighting amongst yourselves!"
"But-" Legolas started, but his voice immediately died away as he saw the stern look on Gandalf's face.
"Maybe we should have a song," Frodo suggested, "just to keep our spirits up?"
"Why yes," Gandalf agreed, "an excellent idea, Frodo. Perhaps our elvish friend here would like to turn his voice from muttering to a more pleasant use." Legolas frowned at the ground. Then an idea struck him, and his face brightened.
"Well, there are a few songs of my people that can be sung in the Common tongue," Legolas said, "how about I sing one I first heard in the early days of my youth? It even mentions dwarves, if you'd care to hear it, Gimli." Gimli looked suspiciously at the elf.
"Mentions dwarves?" he said, "Well, that's bound to be better than any elf songs I ever heard then."
"Oh please sing it, Legolas!" Sam exclaimed "I do love the songs of the elves."
"Very well, if you all insist…" Legolas cleared his throat,
Halflings, they will bother none
Elves stay mostly on their own
Men have manners, some at least
But dwarves are little more than beasts
Short and fat, they live in caves
They dig in mines with picks and spades
For Mithril, Silver, Gold and Jewels
They are such stupid, greedy fools
They don't wish to go home for rest
For every wife has a hairy chest
And a beard upon her manly face
Oh, quite disturbing is their race
"LEGOLAS!" Gandalf turned toward the elf, infuriated. Legolas abruptly shut his mouth.
"Er…" he spoke after a second of Gandalf staring him in the eye, "I think I'll just leave the rest, you get the idea." Gimli spun his axe in his hand and looked menacingly at Legolas.
"Nobody insults the dwarves in my presence and lives!" he shouted, before charging towards the elf, axe flailing wildly.
"Argh!" Legolas cried, leaping backwards. "Stop him! Get away from me!"
"Gimli!" Samwise dived as Gimli passed him, grabbing his ankles and bringing him down in an impressive rugby tackle. "It's hardly his fault that the song he heard when he was young isn't friendly to dwarves."
"I bet he just made that song up now!" Gimli said. "Just to be annoying!"
"Come on now Gimli," Aragorn said, "put your axe away. There's no need to get carried away. Now, if you've calmed down, perhaps you'd like to sing a song of your own?" Gimli's eyes gleamed, seeing his chance for revenge.
"As a matter of fact I would." He frowned, trying to think up the perfect scathing retaliation song to put that damned elf in his place. "Just a minute till I… remember the tune."
"It doesn't matter if you can't think a song up Gimli." Merry said a minute later. "I have a song of my own to sing, it's about mushrooms." Legolas snickered.
"Quiet!" Gimli said. "I have the very song now!"
"Don't keep us waiting then," Frodo said, smiling, "sing!"
Gimli cleared his throat.
Elves, elves, how they smell
They all love men in Rivendell
But the worst of all are from Mirkwood
They only care if their hair looks good
When the elves are fighting foes
They always wear their girly clothes
They trip around on their tip-toes
And fire from distance with their bows
Elves are ugly, elves are vain
Elves have very tiny brains
As sure as Gandalf's beard is grey
Legolas's dad is - OW!
Legolas, grabbing Gimli's beard, swung him round into a tree. Gimli, having dented the tree, picked himself off the ground and dusted pine needles from his mail coat.
"Shut up about my dad!" Legolas shouted at him.
"That was completely uncalled for!" Gimli shouted back. Suddenly Boromir stepped between them, silencing them both. He took Gimli's right hand, and Legolas's left, and looked out nobly on to the western horizon where the setting sun could be seen.
"My brothers," he addressed them, "let us not fight. In Middle Earth great conflicts are stirring, yet it is small conflicts such as this, between our own, that will be our downfall. To overcome the Enemy, we must stay together. Our goal must be one. We must fight together - and to do this - we must learn to love one another. Can you do that? If not for yourselves, then for Middle Earth. For your people!"
"Indeed I can!" Gimli said, heart stirred by the noble speech.
Twoing! Gimli's helmet rang with a metallic sound. He looked around sharply, and saw Legolas sprinting into the distance, bow and arrow in hand, laughing as he went.
"I'll get you, you pointy-eared goldilocks!!" Gimli drew out his axe and was shortly vanished from sight.
"I dread to think how we're going to continue like this." Boromir shook his head sadly.
"Indeed." Aragorn agreed. "That's the third time today."
"Well, I suppose there's only one thing we can do now." Gandalf said, pulling out a scroll of paper and a pen. He looked up expectantly towards Aragorn.
"I guess Gimli." He handed Gandalf a silver coin. "And before dawn."
"My money's on Legolas winning." Sam handed Gandalf his own coin. "Back within an hour."
And so the party made camp, and waited for their wayward companions to return and make one of them rich.
The End