The Merry Women of Konoha
"O powerful love! that, in some respects, makes a beast a man, in some other, a man a beast." - The Merry Wives of Windsor, Act 5 Scene 5
Part I
Jiraiya sat smiling at the counter, holding a cheek swollen courtesy of his most recent meeting with the Godaime. "Always had a wonderful left hook," he muttered dreamily, lost in reminiscences of what once had been and hopes of what might never be. He would have been content to rest there the remainder of the day, ruminating in his thoughts and ignoring his apprentice. Truthfully, he didn't feel too guilty about the latter though. Naruto had long since moved on from needing his tutelage, had grown tremendously in the past thirteen years, but he knew he liked having a mentor figure and someone to challenge him, so he'd never had the heart to turn him away.
Besides, the kid was ingenious and inventive in ways that made the pervert in him proud.
Suddenly he heard shuffling coming up the road behind him and he grumbled under his breath. Most of the time Ebisu was amusing to torment but Jiraiya had been having quite the interesting time with his dreams, thank you very much, and did not appreciate the interruption.
The man came to stand in front of him, ram-rod straight as if he didn't know how to relax – Jiraiya wondered fleetingly if he truly didn't – and pushed his glasses even further up his nose, as if to have more length to work with for looking down at the sannin. Jiraiya imagined him an overstuffed bird, full to the brim of rules and ego, and sure enough, when he opened his mouth, he started squawking.
"The esteemed hokage has sent me over here to inform you of another complaint lodged concerning your personal misconduct."
The sannin sat up straighter, eyebrows raised. He must have irritated Tsunade more than he'd thought if she'd pulled up more things to quarrel about afterward and even sent someone else after him to settle them. Without conscious thought he rubbed his hands – he always loved getting a rise out of his favorite kunoichi. The fact didn't go unnoticed by Ebisu, though, making the messenger just slightly nervous – after all, perverted, public nuisance or not, the man was still one of the strongest nin the Leaf Village had ever seen. Still, the hokage had chosen to send him after the rogue sannin for a reason, and that was his dedication to propriety above all other things, even if Konohamaru did like to flaunt his weaknesses in his face as often as he could.
Clearing his throat to bring his attention back to the subject at hand, Ebisu continued. "We have received complaints by the honorable guests of every single bath house in the village – numerous complaints, from men and women alike – about your behavior and continual peeping. It has gotten so bad that they have now hired other shinobi to guard the bath houses against you."
Jiraiya waved the concerns away with a negligent movement of his hand. "Shouldn't the hokage and elders be thanking me for that then? If they're hiring our shinobi then I'm actually adding to the village coffers."
Ebisu glared, clearly affronted but unwilling to raise his voice, disdain instead dripping from his words. "Quite to the contrary. Since the infraction is being performed by one of our own, by a shinobi loyal to Leaf and therefore sworn to protect its citizens, the village is having to pay for the nin being sent out to protect these women from you."
Jiraiya actually did wince at that. Oh, he didn't mind offending the elders – in fact he usually rather enjoyed irritating the caustic old buzzards, cooped up so long in their high retreats and stately rooms that they forgot what a real shinobi's life was like. What he didn't like was that when the elders weren't happy then Tsunade wasn't happy, as they harped and picked at her until she was beyond irritated and at her wits end, and that would only come back to bite him in the end.
"What exactly are you here for then?" Jiraiya asked, impatient for the interruption to be over.
"Restitution, to be precise."
He smiled widely. "Knowing my reputation, you really expect me to have extra money laying around? Let alone enough to pay the salaries of eight shinobi?"
Ebisu wasn't surprised the sannin knew how many nin they'd employed; after all, it was the exact number of bath houses within the village perimeter. "Then at least your word that you will cease your perversions and peeping-"
"-Research," Jiraiya interrupted.
"-Peeping," Ebisu repeated with emphasis, "so we do not have to keep these eight nin on the payroll for such a ridiculous endeavor."
"You could just stop paying them."
Ebisu stood up taller so he could look even further down his nose, if that was possible, in a look that said he very much viewed Jiraiya in that moment as a wayward child. "If we stopped paying them they would stop working," he explained mildly, making sure to speak slowly. "If they stopped working our citizens would once again be in danger from your," he paused, eying Jiraiya a moment before opting for, "activities."
"And the problem with that would be?"
Ebisu spluttered as if uncomprehending that any one man could be so thoroughly illogical. "The-the reputation of the village! The understanding that we, as the shinobi of this country, fight to promote peace and protect our own, at the very least. How could we, in good conscience, expose them to such…such…"
"Activities?" Jiraiya helpfully supplied.
"Unwanted attentions," Ebisu countered with a dark look. "Plus the hokage is already coming under heat about why she has allowed you such free reign for so long, about whether her judgment is clouded because of her relationship with you," Jiraiya perked up at the word relationship, "you being old teammates and all," and was down again.
"Why don't they just put a tail on me then?" he asked, playing with his sake cup.
He swore he heard the man mutter something about a tail showing just what the ass he was, but when he bent a sharp glance on him he appeared placid, fully in control of himself, and completely unruffled. Jiraiya just huffed. Wouldn't be the first or the last time.
"As I am sure you are fully aware," the younger man continued, his gaze now shrewd, "every nin we have sent on that task has mysteriously wound up in the hospital, on the other side of the country after going on a wild goose chase, or at home with suddenly no memory of how he or she arrived there."
"Hm," said Jiraiya noncommittally, "interesting."
"Just so."
Jiraiya sat back and smiled indulgently at him. "So you're saying you'd be willing to take me on my word that I'd stay away from any of the women's bath houses?"
"I expressed the same concerns to the hokage."
Jiraiya glared. It was one thing for him to jokingly vilify himself, and entirely another for this young, stuck-up, self-important, strutting excuse of a man to question his character in front of Tsunade.
Flustered, Ebisu continued. "She assured me she would trust such a statement if – and only if - you completely understood the ramifications you face by breaking your word."
Setting his cup down Jiraiya sat forward, interest piqued. "And just what does she have in store for me, eh? Is she planning on some nefarious punishment she'll carry out against me herself?
The hope in his voice obviously carried to Ebisu, as the man choked, coughed, and looked everywhere but directly at him. That reaction was all the old author needed.
"She is!" he whooped, cackling loudly. He'd keep in his current behavior for no other reason than that alone, and his mind wandered to dark, hazy places while contemplating just what 'punishments' she would dole out.
Ebisu's stern voice interrupted his musings. "Tsu-that is, the hokage, also wanted me to make it clear that she is perfectly aware of which types of punishment you enjoy." The man was positively bright red now, his face nearly shining in its brilliance. The old sannin wondered at his never having learned to control such a reaction – after all, it was important for a shinobi to learn to at least outwardly show impassivity when conveying messages or conducting missions – but he also wondered how any man could stand to have so much blood flow diverted to the wrong head.
Still, if Tsunade truly had such knowledge then that certainly put their interactions – mainly her punching him through any nearby available solid surfaces – in an entirely new light. He rubbed his swollen cheek again, smiling.
Ebisu cleared his throat to regain Jiraiya's attention, and while he did look more in control of himself he still resembled a cherry tomato. "The hokage wants me to impress upon you with utmost clarity that since she does know what you do enjoy, that should you repeat these infractions she will take care to make certain that whichever punishment she deems appropriate for this crime will be far from enjoyable for you."
"And just what could she do?" he scoffed, but inside he was quaking. Surely if anyone knew him well enough to know such weaknesses, if anyone could find such a method of punishment that would truly not allow him even the minutest of pleasure, Tsunade would.
To his surprise, Ebisu answered what was supposed to be a rhetorical question. "She had mentioned that one possibility was, ah," his blush flared up again with a vengeance and his eyes were riveted on the sake glass, "um, completely sensory deprivation."
Jiraiya wilted. While the deprivation of some senses would cause the others to heighten – and of course scenarios for each of those ran through his head, of Tsunade touching him when he couldn't feel it but could see it, of her voice shouting recriminations at him, her voice a siren song in his ears even as his body was dead to feeling – total blackout would drive him mad and she knew it.
While his mind would still function, could wander and create as many intriguing scenarios as he wished to stave off boredom, they both knew he would be consumed with wondering what was going on, whether she had left him entirely alone, dressed him up and taken humiliating pictures of him – not like he didn't have enough of those hanging around anyhow though – allowed others to see him in his fallen state as proof of her power and an example of why not to cross the hokage, or worst of all, if she touched him while he was unaware of it, leading all his unfulfilled dreams to a frustrating ending he'd never even know had happened. He wouldn't put it past her to do it, not if she was really angry, and that's how Jiraiya finally realized she truly was seriously about the whole business.
Besides, she was probably still thinking up more tortures for him – if she hadn't compiled a list already – and he wanted to get her off that track of thinking before she had many more to use against him in the future, so he'd give her the answer she wanted, and as quickly as possible.
"All right, all right," he sighed, pretending not to notice Ebisu's frown of utter confusion which soon enough morphed into a smirk of smug satisfaction as Jiraiya continued. "I'll stay away from the bath houses; you can call off your watch dogs."
All parties involved knew there was no chance of that vow sticking permanently, but a temporary reprieve would still be well worth it.
"Very well." Ebisu nodded and gave a short bow. "I'm sure the hokage will be most pleased to hear of your cooperation."
"Yeah, yeah, sure," mumbled the sannin, feeling suddenly mutinous, but the other man paid him no mind.
"Good day then." And, smiling with his accomplishment, Ebisu disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving Jiraiya coughing and staring thoughtfully at the spot he'd just occupied. He'd never bothered to learn that jutsu – most shinobi didn't as it expelled an inordinate amount of chakra, was often showy – which was bad out on the mission field – took tremendous concentration to make sure to reappear in the right spot, and was just generally considered lazy for a shinobi since walking was obviously much more beneficial for the health. Even given the dangers of his particularly favorite hobbies – specifically, the dangers of being caught out by righteously indignant women and enraged husbands – he found running really kept him in great shape, especially considering he spent most of his time anymore writing.
He mused on it a bit. It could certainly bear some looking into. And, given the 'lazy' nature of it, he knew just who to ask next time he came across him.
After all, Kakashi was a fan. He wouldn't be too bothered by the implications.
For now, though, he had to figure out what he was going to do next. He'd been cornered well enough; he had to keep his word or face Tsunade's true wrath, which was a very frightening thing indeed. Still, he was in the midst of writing a new novel – his best work yet, and an instant classic, if he did say so himself – and he needed constant sources of inspiration or his well would dry up. So where was he supposed to dredge up subjects for his research now, what with his best outlet snatched away from him?
He sat a while, contemplating his dilemma while sipping at his sake. The drink always tended to help his mental preparations and inspirations, and so it was that it came to him in a sudden clap of thunder, a spark of enlightenment. Well, not that precisely, but loud, irritated voices were similar enough in tone and volume for him to confuse them in his stupor, and he came back to his senses just in time to see two bickering women strolling past.
Hurriedly he scanned his finicky memory for their identities. He knew most every woman in Konoha by sight, but recognizing them while clothed was another matter.
"Ah," he said aloud, snapping his fingers. The pink-haired one was Tsunade's old apprentice – the one who'd stuck around as she had the tenacity and stubbornness to not only deal with having a boss like his old teammate, handling her dangerous tempers and mood swings, but she doled it right back out.
And if she had the temperament of his hime...
He eyed the girl she was fighting with: blonde, tall, mouthy, and with a much larger chest. While no one could match up to Tsunade in that arena, she was still very similar in appearance.
Jiraiya stroked his chin, his grin stretching from ear to ear. One with the physique and one with the attitude? Oh yes, this had the potential of working out quite well. He'd just found the solution to his little research problem.
After writing out one scroll of greeting and proposing his offer, Jiraiya carefully copied the contents in their entirety to another scroll. After all, the words and phrases he'd put together had been pure poetry, a work of genius, and it would be a waste to not allow them be seen by more than one viewer. It was a work he could not duplicate, and he'd hate to feel like he'd favored the one who received the first letter over the other. They were both beautiful women, after all, and both deserved the best.
Then, biting down on his thumb, he called one of his toads, smiling happily at the summon. "Ah, Kiro. Deliver these for me, will ya?"
Kiro slumped; he'd been hoping to actually have some action this time, not just help Jiraiya out in whatever new hair-brained scheme he'd thought up. Still, they were always fun to see pulled off…or fall to pieces.
"Where to?" he croaked.
"Names are addressed on them," he explained, nodding at the scrolls. After figuring out who the pink-haired woman was, and knowing the blonde was her friend of sorts, he'd finally been able to remember their names by wracking his brain, cataloguing and recognizing them by their…assets. "You should be able to figure out the rest from there."
"Roger." Picking up the scrolls he'd just prepared to hop off when he heard a pop behind him, signaling the arrival of another summon. Spinning on his foot he was surprised by what he saw. "Grandpa?!"
The small, elder toad ignored him, all his attention bent on Jiraiya. "What's going on?" he demanded with no preamble.
"Good to see you too," Jiraiya muttered. He waved Kiro away with a flick of the hand behind his back, and the toad took off. His curiosity overrode his concern about Jiraiya's timeline, though, and as soon as he was far enough to be out of sight he ducked off the path, peeking out from behind some bushes to see what was going on.
"Jiraiya…" Fukasaku affected his best stern look, which was sabotaged by the worry leaking in to his expression. "This is the fourth time this week you've needed one of my kids. Is there a battle going on? Or is there some new plot afoot?"
"The plot? Oh, I didn't know you were interested. Well, Junko meets new enemies in the form of two young, aggressive kunoichi-"
"What?! You're telling me you've been summoning my kin, wasting our time for your research? Again?!"
Jiraiya didn't get a single word out before Fukasaku was smacking him over the head, the sight making Kiro snicker as the elder toad had to jump a goodly way in order to even reach that high on the sannin. He didn't think he'd ever seen anything quite so funny as Jiraiya simply standing there, doing nothing to defend himself save covering his head and face with his arms, as Fukasaku continued to batter at him. Too bad for him Fukasaku seemed to have just realized that left his shins – at the perfect striking height – completely exposed, and soon Jiraiya was hopping around in front of the stall he'd just been sitting at.
Seeing as he was losing the battle to keep his laughter contained, Kiro hurriedly made off further into the village, not wanting to get caught up in the fallout. Besides, the sooner he dropped off the scrolls the sooner he could go back home and tell everyone exactly what he'd just seen.
He grinned at the thought and, not paying close enough attention to where he was going, ran smack dab into a set of legs. "Oh, s-sorry," he stuttered, juggling the scrolls to keep his hold on them.
"No problem, Kiro."
The toad's head snapped up. "Naruto?" His laughter broke free. "Well imagine that."
Naruto grinned. "What you laughing about?"
Oh, this was just too good. He was getting to tell his story before even doing his delivery! He leaned close and whispered conspiratorially, "Fukasaku is giving Jiraiya a whipping for still using us to do his errands and help him in his research."
Naruto blushed instantly while chuckling nervously, scratching the back of his head, and Kiro knew that he must do the same on occasion. "So what did Jiraiya call you for?" Naruto asked quickly, trying to divert the attention away from himself.
Kiro shrugged – well, as much as a toad can. "Same kind of trick he usually does. I'm delivering letters to a couple women he wants to do some more, er, personal research with."
"Ah ha, he's such a pervert," Naruto laughed with affection. Then his gaze turned interested. "So, who's he aiming for this time?"
"Erm," Kiro shuffled the scrolls, turning them to face the right way and focusing hard on the characters. He wasn't too good with his reading so it took him a moment, but it was with a proud face he turned to Naruto and announced, "Sakura and Ino."
"What?!" he shouted, face alit with horror.
"What?" Kiro repeated, afraid he'd done something wrong.
"But they're…I mean, she's my…but he's so old…and she's my…argh!"
Kiro took a cautious step away. "Well, as much as I'd love to stay and chat I really must be moving on. Mission to carry out and all that. Um, talk to you later, Naruto!" And with that he hopped away to find his quarry.
Naruto stood petrified a moment, speechless. How could Jiraiya go after his friend like that? Didn't he even realize who she was? Then, after thinking about it a moment, he realized his old sensei probably didn't, otherwise he knew – well, hoped – that he wouldn't go after her like this. The man, for all his other talents, didn't seem too capable of keeping his women straight.
Still, he didn't know what to do. Sakura was his friend, his teammate, but Jiraiya was his mentor, the man who'd brought him into adulthood, and he didn't know that he could sweep his legs out from under him by telling Sakura anything. He didn't know if such tactics would do anything anyhow; Sakura would already be getting the letter and would know what Jiraiya was up to, so was there anything else he could do?
Then a spark of hope came to him: Shikamaru! He could ask him! He was dating Ino, after all, so he'd be interested to know what Jiraiya was up to and he'd be sure to have an idea about what he should do.
"Yosh!" With an excited cry he launched himself down the road, trying to figure out where to search first. There were the training grounds – he knew the genius had a few places thereabouts he liked to relax – or the jounin lounge, but when he checked those Shikamaru was nowhere to be found. He wandered a little while, scouring his mind for any other secluded places he liked to use – he knew almost all of them by now.
After Jiraiya's death, when Shikamaru had come to comfort him and kick him back into gear, they had formed a sort of bond that had evolved into a lasting friendship. He still felt guilty though, that while Nagato had decided to include his mentor in those he brought back to life, he'd failed to do the same for Asuma, despite his death also being the directly caused of the Akatsuki. So when Jiraiya had come ambling into town almost a full month after his death things had been…strained between he and Shikamaru until the other had figured out what Naruto's problem was. Then he'd smacked him for being so troublesome and told him to stop worrying about things he couldn't do anything about.
After that, with a good deal of crying and blubbering on Naruto's end, he'd accepted Shikamaru at his word and had started dogging at his steps so often he wondered the lackadaisical man didn't use his catchphrase in describing him more often that he did. Then again, he was dating Ino after all, so his tolerance had to be much higher than he pretended it was.
So while Naruto did know most of the places Shikamaru went to hide, he couldn't find hide nor hair of him now so he decided to just go to the Nara house and wait for him to return. Of course, as was his luck, as soon as he stepped up on the front step he caught sight of him in one shadowy corner of the porch hunched over a shougi board.
"Have you been here all day?!" he shouted, irritated. "I've been looking everywhere for you."
Shikamaru looked up slowly, as if loathe to be dragged away from his game. "I've been here most of the day. Didn't you even think to check my house?"
"Well, I…" Naruto's face heated and he turned to Shikamaru's opponent, as if searching for a way out.
"Yo," said a deep voice as a familiar face – well, mask – turned toward him.
"Kakashi? What are you doing here?"
"I'm doing my laundry," he said dryly.
"Wh-what? Your laundry? Why would you do that here? I don't see anything hanging up."
"Naruto, I was joking," he explained with a chuckle. He was always amused by how Naruto took him so seriously and wondered how he survived being around Jiraiya all the time. Kid had to be confused half the time. "I just came to play some shougi with Shikamaru here. Keeps me sharp."
"Oh, yeah, of course," replied Naruto, grinning sheepishly.
"Anyhow," Shikamaru interrupted, clearly impatient to get back to his game, "did you need something?"
"Oh yeah! I need your advice on something. Jiraiya sent letters to Sakura and Ino asking them to be his research subjects, or something like that. I don't know exactly what he said but I'm sure it had to be pretty pervy."
"And…?"
"And? And?! My old teacher is making moves on my teammate and your girlfriend. We've got to do something!"
To his consternation and outright astonishment Shikamaru shrugged. "What is there to do? The girls will do what they want to do. What are you so worried about?"
"It's Jiraiya, the world's largest pervert. He's good with words and with getting people to do whatever he wants, regardless of what they originally wanted. And they're our friends!"
"Yes, and they're pretty smart too. If Ino wants to play around with him there's hardly anything I can do to prevent it, and she's honest enough that she'll tell me up front so I have no worries of being blind-sided. If she wants no part of it nothing Jiraiya does or says will be able to convince her otherwise. That's one of the perks, the very few perks, of having a stubborn girl. I'm sure Sakura's just the same – the only ones that can out-stubborn those girls are each other. Besides, Sakura's not even seeing anyone so maybe she'd like a little bit of attention."
Naruto swore he'd just seen Kakashi stiffen, but then again Shikamaru had just made a good move – or at least he assumed it was a good mood as he'd never bothered to learn that particular game – so he paid it no mind.
"But…but…"
"I'll check in on Sakura to make sure she's all right."
Naruto's face lit up. "You really will, Kakashi-sensei, really? That's great! If anyone will be able to protect her from the pervert you will."
Kakashi lifted his gaze. "I don't think Sakura would be very happy to hear you think she needs any sort of protection."
Naruto snorted. "You know what I mean. This is Jiraiya! He's something else entirely."
"Yes," Kakashi mused, "it is Jiraiya."
Sakura was marching out of her door, hands clenched around a scrap of parchment like she was trying to restrain herself from punching something, when Ino found her. She'd sought out her friend to show her the letter she'd gotten from Jiraiya, figuring she could use a laugh, but obviously that wasn't what the occasion called for.
"What's your problem?" she asked bluntly.
Sakura was fuming and had to take some deep, calming breaths before she was able to reply. "This," she nearly spat, thrusting the torn up scroll into Ino's hand. "That, that pervert!" She was shaking so badly it took her a moment to realize that, no, she wasn't imagining the feline-grin Ino was now sporting. "What, you think this is funny?!"
"Hilarious, actually." Before Sakura could say another word she pushed her own letter at her friend. As Sakura read the letter, mouth gaping and moving wordlessly, Ino smirked. "It would seem our secret admirer isn't quite as faithful as one would hope, and certainly unimaginative if he couldn't even create unique letters for us." She snorted at the thought. She was, self-admittedly, a very high-maintenance lady, and duplicate flattery just wouldn't cut it for her. "But can you believe the gall? If he was going to go after us he could at least do it in a more elegant fashion, especially coming from a man who writes for a living."
"That's just it," Sakura said in disgust. "He just wants to use us for his stories." She glared at Ino when that actually seemed to make the blonde more intrigued. "You really want to be slavered all over by some old man with grasping hands, just so he can make you a one-dimensional character in a smutty book to be slavered over by more old men? Or guys like Naruto and Ebisu?"
They both shuddered.
"Besides, you're taken. Aren't you the least bit offended that Jiraiya thinks you're the type of person who'd cheat on Shikamaru?"
Ino's gaze suddenly shifted, a sharp glance directed squarely at Sakura. "Yes, that is the biggest issue now, isn't it? So tell me, then, why is it that you're so outraged and offended? I thought you'd find this as funny as I did."
Sakura flushed. "Pffft, what? Naw, I mean, well, he's my shishou's old teammate. That just feels kinda weird, you know?"
Ino just continued to stare at her, and when her gaze turned suddenly gleeful Sakura could tell she was in trouble. "I knew it! All the rumors are true! You are seeing someone secretly. And you didn't even tell your best friend," she accused.
"What are you talking about, pig?" Sakura laughed. "Where do you even hear these things?"
"Oh, around." She tossed her hair flippantly. "And you're not answering my question."
"What question – about whether I'm dating someone, and in secret no less? Why on earth would I do that. You're always harassing me about having someone so wouldn't I want to let you know first to get you off my back?"
Ino's eyes narrowed. The logic was somewhat sound but something still didn't feel right about it. "Maybe it's someone you don't want me to know about."
Sakura froze up inside, stunned by her friend's astuteness. She couldn't possibly know, could she? She and Kakashi had only been seeing each other for a few weeks, and this new angle on their relationship was still so new and tentative that they really didn't want any outside input until they themselves found their feet. They knew that when people did find out they'd probably have a field day with it. Most of the villagers – and a couple of their friends in particular – loved some good gossip. So really, was it so much to ask to be left to their own devices for a little while?
She heaved a put-upon sigh. "And maybe you should stop listening to the gossip mills."
"Why? They always have the good information first." Her eyes were on Sakura again, and she could feel them boring into her. "You are hiding something, aren't you? I can tell! Don't make me bust my way into your head."
Sakura crossed her arms and glared. "You just try it. Remember what happened last time you attempted that? Didn't end so well for you, did it?"
They faced off, staring each other down, and Sakura was surprised when Ino was the first to look away, dropping her arms with a huff. "Sakura, you know I just want you to be happy, right?"
Sakura had to look away briefly, feeling just a smidgen of guilt. Still, she smiled, touched by the sentiment. "Yeah, I know. I promise as soon as there's something to tell I'll tell you."
"So there is something! Ha!" Ino declared, finger pointed in her face.
Sakura pushed it away, the letter still crumpled in Ino's hand heightening her irritation. "Whatever, pig. There's something else I need to deal with right now." So saying she stomped her way down the hall, cracking her knuckles with relish.
"Hold on, idiot," Ino called, catching up and grabbing Sakura by the shoulder. "What are you going to do, try to punch him?"
She quailed momentarily. That's exactly what she'd planned on doing.
Ino rolled her eyes. "He's a sannin, dummy. For all his moral failings and silly fripperies, he's still one of the strongest shinobi in the village. Somehow I doubt he'll stand still and let you hit him." After considering a moment, she added, "Well, maybe he would, but I doubt it would be for any reason you'd appreciate."
Sakura wrinkled her nose.
"Exactly."
"Not like he'd have to stand still for me to land a punch though," she muttered. "I might not be up to his level but that doesn't mean I'd be a total throwaway."
"Of course not," Ino consoled, trying to redirect Sakura back to her apartment.
The medic stopped in her tracks. "Are you just humoring me?" she asked, her eyes deadly.
"Of course not," Ino repeated, a tinge of humor to her voice, "but why waste your time when there are much better ways to go about teaching him a lesson for attempting such fine women as ourselves?"
Sakura's posture loosened but she didn't start walking. "I'm listening."
"Simple. We accept his offer."
"What?!" Luckily Ino was used to that high-pitched tone of outrage, otherwise she might have had to cover her ears.
"You're not listening, forehead. I'm saying we pretend to accept and turn it right back on him, playing him at his own game. We'll make him sorry he ever caught sight of us."
Sakura stared blankly a few seconds before her mouth broke into a huge grin. "You're brilliant, you know that?"
"I've been told so on occasion." Ino winked. "So, are we going to go back to your apartment and start planning or what?"
Sakura rubbed her hands with glee. This was going to be good.
Part one of my adaptation of Shakespeare's 'The Merry Wives of Windsor' into the Naruto-verse. Written for the KakaSaku FC. Thanks to SammyQuill for letting me bounce a couple ideas off her. Also please pardon my errors (or at least point them out for me to fix, haha) as this is unedited.