Title: Falter
Rating: PG-13 (Teen)
Pairings: HikaKao, (one-sided) HikaHaru, (one-sided) HaruTama, (implied-majorly) KyouTama
Notes:
Hikaru's thoughts
Kaoru's thoughts
I believe that some twin share thoughts, for I've known twins who could do this, on the other hand I also know that some twins don't. But I decided to gave the twins the ability to hear one another's thoughts because it does kind of appear that way in the manga anyway.
I also believe that Tamaki is gay… Why? I really don't understand why, but… It got in my head and now its stuck. That's why HaruTama is one sided…
Falter
Part 1
One step.
Two steps.
Then three.
My feet began to carry me to my destiny. Or my demise. It all depended on what happened, I guess.
I stood a few feet from the door knowing that he was waiting on the other side. I'd sent him ahead of me telling him I needed to go to the bathroom, he insisted on coming with me, but I told him I could go to the bathroom by myself. I walked slowly thinking about all that had happened. Really it wasn't much of a change.
See I've always loved my brother, way more then I should, but I never understood the extent of that love until my crush on Haruhi put it into perception. Somewhere my wires got all crossed and before I really understood I was in love with my brother.
Oh and lets make it even more taboo, he's my twin.
I've read about things like this, and really thought that the best thing to do is hold it in – which I can't do anymore – because it's just easier that way. I didn't want him to hate me, or be disgusted by me.
I paused, looked out the window to the graying sky. A feeling of dread churned in my stomach. Could I really do this?
One step.
Two steps.
Then three.
I opened the door, hesitated, and faltered. Even if he had been alone, like I thought he would be, if he had had that look I wouldn't have been able to do it.
I hesitated to long.
He sat in the window headphones on, casting longing glances at her. But she was to busy staring at Tamaki to notice, Tamaki was sitting close to Kyouya studying. They were sitting too close really. I wonder when that happened.
No hosting tonight, Huni-Sempai and Mori-Sempai had tests this week, Kyouya-Sempai and Tono next week, and the rest of us the week after. Three weeks of club cancellations just because they couldn't test us all at once. And by couldn't I mean they just wanted us to suffer longer…
I sat next to him in the window he leaned against me, seeking me out. I smiled softly at him he looked up at me. Do we have to stay? No… I catch Kyouya's glaze from across the room, he nods. Tamaki looks up and stares at me, then his eyes slide to Hikaru. He knows a lot more then he lets on. How much? I'm not sure myself, but he knows more then he'll ever say.
I place my hand on Hikaru's arm Lets go… He jumps as if I said this aloud, even though he obviously can't hear me because I can hear the music he's listening to. Something passes before my eyes, something I don't entirely catch. Its what ever Hikaru's thinking about. I have to say I'm curious, but if its about Haruhi…
I don't want to know.
'kay… We stood simultaneously and walked across the room to the door. Nobody said anything, but the other three occupants in the room watched us, Hikaru watched the floor, I watched him out of the corner of my eye.
We say nothing in the car, but he finally turns off his iPOD and takes his head phones off. The whole car ride is spent in silence. I go to tell him a couple of times, but like every time before I pause, hesitate, and falter.
He climbs out of the car first and pauses there. "Just this last day, Kaoru, just this last day."
I'm confused but I don't get to question him about it, and the vibe he puts off tells me to leave him alone for now. So I do, I spend the whole evening alone, eat dinner alone, do my homework alone, even play video games alone. I've never felt so alone.
Its 12:01 when he comes in with a smile on his face and pounces on me. I was laying on our bed staring at the wall. I'd never been so bored and lonely in my entire life. I don't think I've ever even been completely alone that long. I'm so lost in the nothingness I don't sense him, so when he lands on me I scream.
He's laughing so hard he's crying – I wish I could have caught that on video – and I just glare at him. Hard. "That wasn't funny."
"I thought you sensed me, sorry."
"I was dying of boredom, I don't think I would have realized if I had stopped breathing." He starts laughing again. I wait until he's done, pushing away the thoughts of do it now and covering them before Hikaru has a chance to read them. "We should have our room re-done."
"What were you thinking?"
I reach out and touch him running my fingers through his hair, letting the designs flow from my head to his.
"Kind of vampire-Goth, but I like it… What do you need to do now?"
I froze, apparently he sense my panic because he was giving me a strange. I force the smile to my lips. "Go to sleep. We have school tomorrow."
If he doesn't believe me it doesn't show, he just smiles up at me. "Fiiine…" He draws out. He hugs me and more things flash before my eyes. Soft moans, pale skin against pale skin. Something in my stomach turns.
I ignore it. Good night. He laughs and settles on his side of our bed, Good night, little brother. The room goes dark. He's curled up already well on his way to sleep, I however curled up with my back against our head bored feeling sick and wide-awake, wondering, but not really wanting to know what had flashed in front of my eyes moments before.
Hikaru's thoughts…
Who was he thinking about?
It kept me up all night.
The morning came with incredible speed, and I watched the sun rise through the windows. Hikaru stirred next me, blinking large amber eyes up at me. How'd you sleep? He stretched before he stands, I just watch his movements in mild interest. I didn't…
He pauses in his movements and spins around quickly to look at me. I've always had a slight problem with insomnia and it's always worried him. "Do you want to stay home then?"
I shake my head. "I'll be fine since we don't have host club." Really I will. I'll take a nap when I get home. I follow his motions stretching before standing. All we're doing is reviewing anyway.
Which is why we can just stay home. I look at him, knowing that he's determined to keep me home. I could be selfish and say yes or I could send him on to school with out me…
"That's not selfishness. I've been ignoring you lately." He looks away guilty.
I blink, he heard that? Oh well... "Fine." I plop down on the bed and close my eyes and before I know it I'm fast asleep.
I expect to wake up alone, but he there beside me fingers interlaced with mine.
******
One step.
Two steps.
Three steps.
I say his name, he looks up at me. I pause, hesitate, and I falter. My mouth closes with a weird sound and he's just staring at me. What's wrong Kaoru?
Loud moans, panting, quick movements, breathlessness, skin against skin. Hikaru's voice… "I love you…" Louder moan.
I don't say anything. Breathing is becoming difficult… Why? I'm choking on the air, I just can't seem to get enough. Why is this happening?? Because of what I saw? Are they my thoughts? No… Hikaru's… but who…
The floor is coming up to greet me. Hello, floor…
"KAORU!!"
The sound is over whelming and the world fades black.
When I open my eyes I'm in a white room, Kyouya is sitting in the chair next to me. Huh? Where's Hikaru?
"Do you know why you're here?" Always right to the point. I don't really trust myself to speak yet, so I shake my head. "You had a panic attack in the middle of school and you hyperventilated." I stare at him trying to keep my expression neutral.
He doesn't ask me why, which tells me he already knows why, just sits there and watches me. I turn my head away from him and stare directly ahead of me. "I've tried… but every time I go to say something I falter…"
I hear him stand with the rustle of fabric. "Then maybe its not about telling him. Maybe you should show him." He's at the door when I turn and look at him. "You'll be here until the morning. Hikaru should be back soon, he ran to get you something to eat."
"Thanks."
The door opens and closes and I'm left with my thoughts. Show… Hikaru? But what to show him first?
I don't get much time to dwell on this as the door flies open slamming into the wall and my brother is across the room fallowed by a slightly harassed looking Tamaki and even more harassed looking nurse.
"KAORU!" I was so worried.
"No need to yell…" I'm fine.
He took one step.
Two steps.
Three steps.
And he faltered. Standing right beside my bed, opening his mouth… he faltered like I'd been doing for the past three weeks.
"Here's your food." Tamaki says softly setting the plastic bag in the chair Kyouya had just occupied. "I'll come cheek on you tomorrow." He ruffles my hair affectionately telling me a lot of things with out opening his mouth.
It gives me courage.
I stay quiet while the nurse cheeks on me and Hikaru gets my food ready. When she leaves, I say his name softly.
What?
Come here… "Closer you idiot!" he smiled at me and came closer to me. I reach out blindly, because I'm not looking at him, and grab his hand.
"Kaoru?" I stare down at my lap and let my thought fill his head. Piles and pile of wet dream, stray day-dreams, wondering thoughts fill his head.
I'm in love with you…
I can't look up at him. His hand is no longer in mine. "I… I…" he tries. The silence echoes in my mind. He's pulling away from me.
I'm sorry…
The door slams shut announcing his departure, but instead of heart broken and sad I feel oddly relieved. I know that's not good. I'm confused also, I'm not sure what just happened. I begin to eat, my hunger winning over my emotions. Soon I feel tears rolling down my face, but I continue to eat. Is this another type of panic attack? Felling happy while crying…
TBC
This is different from my usual style. It's going to be at least a two-shot and at the most 4 chapters long…
Well I hope you enjoyed it!
Aya |[HbP]|