Photo-Realism
by Mel

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AN: I've been trying to write an Ayame-centric first person fic for awhile now, trying to explain how I think the gap between himself and Yuki occurred. It's not been easy, because I keep trying to get in his egocentric head and I can't get into a mind that speaks only of itself. So I stopped trying that, and thought that maybe, just maybe, there are times when Ayame doesn't just sit around and think of himself and boast to himself all over the place. I know that there are... he has a big heart, the sweetie, he just has to be in a mood to assert that to others. And perhaps, he asserts it more when he's alone.

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"Today is so boring," I say to myself out loud. I live by myself above my shop, and although the view has much to be desired, I enjoy it. I think about calling Tori-san, or Gure-san and listening to myself talk for about an hour with nothing to say, but decide against it last minute. Tori-san would just yell, and Gure-san probably has writing to do or teenagers to tease. This is how bored I am, that even my most fun hobbies have become uninteresting because I've thought about them too long beforehand.

I walk myself into the sitting room and drop myself to the floor near the bookcase. I point and trail my index finger along the spines of magazines and Gure-san's first editions until I trace over what I'd been searching for. Its a very thin photo album, my first one. My others are usually very large, for years ago I'd decided to photograph most every person I'd come in contact with, because any face worth remembering is worth remembering always, I think.

I take the small album out and flip it open to the first picture. It's of a 10 year old me, holding a newly born Yuki. He couldn't have been more than a few days old, and I'm not smiling, for once. I don't remember who took this photo, but I wish that they hadn't. I don't want to remember myself like that, I don't want to remember the emotions I'd felt for him. I do remember, though, when he was first born. I did smile. I was glad. I had a baby brother, finally, and he was just like me, cursed just like me. I'd been afraid before, that Mother would have a little girl, or a boy even, who would be normal. And that my younger sibling would find me disgusting and hate me because of my curse. I was so relieved when my father told me about Yuki, and I'd immediately asked to see him, and hold him. I wanted to be closer to this little person that was just like me and Tori-san and Gure-san.

They told me that I couldn't see him because he was sick, but promised to let me before he was able to come home. So instead of seeing him, I stayed with my mother. I was a bit of a 'Momma's boy', so to say. I was always trying to get attention from her, and then had been no different. I remember trying to climb onto her lap, to be pushed away and told to stay off her while she rested. I remember trying to ask her about my new brother, and being told to be quieter. I remember her telling me that she was glad, to have had the rat as her son. He was going to be the perfect child, because that's what the rat was - perfect; he was suppose to be the best at everything he was ever going to do. This is what she told me.

And that was when I remember it; hating him. I knew, at 10 years old, I knew that Yuki was going to be everything that I hadn't been to my mother, and I hated him. I didn't want him to be better than me. I wanted to be the big brother that he would need help from for everything. I wanted him to look up to me and love me because... just because. But no. He was going to better than me, even being this small, he was already better than me in her eyes.

And so, when it was finally okay for me to see this little boy, my little brother, I couldn't smile. I couldn't be happy anymore that he had come, and was so much like me, because I was told he would never be like me. He was better than I was.

I flipped the page, looking now at two pictures. One is of Yuki crying in his crib, probably taken by me. The other is his first birthday. Tori-san and Gure-san came that day to see me, but spent some time watching Yuki while he made a mess of his cake and gifts. I boiled even from just those two small windows of time that were taken from my attention. I think this is when I may have started talking louder and more outrageously. After a whole year of watching everyone I loved fawn over my brother and ignore me, I needed some way to get the attention I took for granted back. I was a complete brat, I can see that now.

But you see, I'd felt robbed. Not only did I not get the little brother I'd wanted, I'd also lost my parents, and with the threat of losing my only two friends in the same way... I couldn't take it. I was only eleven. I needed someone to tell me that it was all in my head, and that I wasn't being abandoned, that I was still loved by SOMEONE. But no one did. No one told me anything resembling those things, and so my hatred grew. I began to distance myself from him. I didn't care anymore what he did or who he did it with. I made a point not to show up to his second and third birthdays.

When he was around four, I began to notice that he wasn't living with us anymore. I asked my mother why and she told me that he was going to stay by Akito's side now, where he belonged. Next to God, where the rat would always belong. I hadn't been around Akito much at all by that age. He was just barely older than Yuki, and the snake was of no real importance to him, so I was left alone to do as I pleased until I would need to come to him for something. I didn't know what type of person he was, or what type of monster he could become.

I was... glad. I thought that finally, our family could go back to how it had been before he'd been born. I could be happy again. But Mother still talked about him above all else, to anyone she could. She still loved him more than me. I was only fourteen, but I'd become so bitter about the both of them. My father was never around much at all, so I'd never even given thought as to how he felt about me or my brother. Things were always the same when it came to him, so I never worried over it. But I needed Mother to care about me again. I needed it so badly. I began trying everything I could to impress her.

Next page. Me, pinning fabric over a table with needles, thread, measuring tape, and rolls of bunched up bright fabrics surrounding me in my room. I think Tori-san took this picture, because the next one has Gure-san modelling the dress for me. It was a present for her; a birthday gift. It would have been absolutely gorgeous on her, if she had actually worn it. I was fifteen then, and had found that sewing, of all things, came to be my talent. I spent a lot of time thinking of designs to impress Mother with. Dresses for her to wear on the town, for her to wear to Father's business parties, for her to wear around the house. Dresses to make her look beautiful and feel joy over something that I had done. Something to show her that I was good at something, something that Yuki couldn't do. She would accept them all, thank me, and then put them away in the back of her closet and wear whatever she'd already gotten for herself.

Next page. Yuki, age five. His school photo. Next to it, a photograph of him the same age, taken by some unknown person. He was sitting by himself in Akito's room by the window, and someone came by, I guess. I don't know the actual story. I don't even remember how I'd gotten this photo, just that I had it. You see, when Yuki moved away from the Honke and into Gure-san's house, I realized everything I'd done wrong. It took me eleven whole years to realize what an idiot I was, but I did. And I wanted to make amends, I wanted to rewrite history. So I asked everyone I knew if they had any pictures of him they could give me. This was one of those spares that someone didn't have any emotional attatchment to, and so it belongs to me now.

If I try hard enough, I can remember the rare moments that I'd seen him at that age. Gure-san would take me with him to see Akito every so often. Most of the time I would go with him, and then leave to find Tori-san while he visited. I had no need to be around Akito, so I saw no point in joining them. A few times, though, a lot of us would be sitting together and just talking, or the children would play and giggle to themselves. Those were the times when I would see him, sitting next to Akito, not even trying to talk to any of us. He would stare sometimes. Stare at the littler ones, like he wanted to play with them, but never made any sort of move to do so. He would stare at me sometimes, while I sat and talked with Gure-san. He knew who I was, I could tell, by those stares. But like the others, he made no move to come speak with me. Just sat there. A part of me was a little angry at him for that. He was old enough to know who I was to him, and didn't want at all to even say hello to me.

So I treated him the same, ignoring him as best I could when he wasn't staring holes into my head. It was how he wanted things, I thought. It was how things were going to be, and at the time, that was perfectly fine with me.

Next page. More school photos.

Next page. Me in front of my store, holding up a victory sign and grinning like a highschool girl. This was when I'd just openned it, and hadn't had any business yet. I hadn't met Mine yet, either, but Gure-san helped me a little while he was writing his first book. He was also saving to buy his own house, and we joked about marrying each other and living in his house together. I would cook and he would sit around like the lazy bum he is. I should have done that. Well, live with him I mean. Not marry him. Although sometimes I do wonder how serious he really is about those offers.

I giggle, thinking about actually being Gure-san's housewife. Competing with Tohru-kun in the kitchen. That would be funny... and I think I've found myself something to do tomorrow. But its too late today... that sort of thing is an all day excursion. Although I might be compelled to phone Mine and tell her that she's on her own for the rest of the week. I'll decide tomorrow.

Next page. Yuki, dressed for success in his ceremonial best for his first New Year's dance. I'm pretty sure this picture was taken by Gure-san, because he got a little goofy around New Year's. It was probably the endless supply of sake at his disposal, but who can really say for sure, hm? Below this one is me, Tori-san and Gure-san. Tori-san is actually smiling in this one... That was the year he'd met Kana, undoubtedly. I don't think that they were officially "going out" yet, but I remember, she'd given him a Christmas present just a few days before. I don't even remember what the present was, but it had made him so... so... well, scary. He was smiling so much of the time that I hardly recognized him as my Tori-san! He kept her as his little secret for so long, but Gure-san and I knew. We knew that he had found something that neither of us were going to, and I have to say that I was a little bit jealous. Not enough to be sad about them, though. I was very happy that Tori-san had gotten to fall in love, no matter who it was with.

Next page. This one is of Yuki and Kyon-kichi, fighting with each other. Its blurred a little bit, but only around their arms and legs. This is another one of those pictures someone else gave me. I wasn't anywhere near enough to know what caused them to start fighting, or where they were even. I like this picture, though. Yuki's face, he looks very confident in himself. If you look hard enough, you can almost fool yourself into thinking that he's smiling. What about, I don't know. Maybe just that he knew he would win against Kyo. Below this picture is another one of Yuki sitting on the porch outside of Akito's room. He couldn't have been any older than twelve in both of these. He isn't smiling in this one, as he stares up at something above him. What he's seeing I can't even begin to guess. I wish I knew. Seeing these pictures makes me ache inside, reminding me how little I deserve to want him as a brother now. I was never there for him for most all of his life; its really no wonder he rejects me so easily. He's only doing what I, as his big brother, taught him to do, isn't he? I sigh.

Next page. Two more pictures of him on Akito's porch. In one, he's reading a book of some sort, and in the other he's simply standing there, staring at whomever took this picture. He looks confused, and a little sad, maybe. Its not that good of a picture, so its hard to tell exactly what his expression is... but that's what I think when I look at it. Confused, and a little bit sad. It makes me want to hug him, looking at that expression. He'd probably hit me if I tried, of course.

Next page. In this one he's at Kazuma-dono's dojo, practicing with Haru-san. He looks very cute in his little martial arts outfit! His expression in this one is of pure concentration, which only furthers to make him look adorable. I'm not sure how old he was when he started his martial arts training, but this had to have been when he first began them, because I do know that Haru-san is no match for him nowadays, and I think that it must have been the case for quite a few years now. After all, Kyon-kichi is above Haru-san in a match, and Yuki's been above the neko's standards for as long as I can remember. The one below this one is another of him at the dojo, smiling up at Kazuma-dono. He must have done something right to smile so bright and genuinely for whatever it was Kazuma-dono was praising him for. Haru-san is smiling at Yuki as well. You can plainly see right here how much that boy loves my little brother. It makes my heart flutter, looking at the two of them sometimes. This one right here is one of my all-time favorite pictures of Yuki.

Next page. Two of Yuki at one of the New Year's celebrations. Which year I'm not sure. He's sitting next to Akito in both of them. In one, he simply looks bored and wanting not to be there. In the other, he's in the middle of eating a peice of sushi, his mouth open wide and holding a small plate with his free hand. Akito, next to him, is staring at him for some reason. Maybe he thinks Yuki is cute when he's eating sushi, like I think he is. Or maybe it has something to do with the things Gure-san told me about when he'd moved out and into his house. He told me that Akito had... done some rather horrible and cruel things to my brother. He wouldn't elaborate, though, and Tori-san told me not to pry, no matter how often I would ask and how persistant I was. I can only imagine the things that he'd done, and still, now, I only have my horrible, wild imagination to guess. When they told me that, that's when I had thought, "I'm too late." I had thought, "I'm too late to save him." And I remembered that time that he reached out for me... it was the one and only time that he did, and it shone throughout all my other memories of him. He came to me, he grabbed my sleeve, and I shook him off to walk away. I called him stupid, and a brat, and a lot of other things in my head. And that's when I cried, thinking of all the things that Akito could have done to him, and being too late to save him. To be the big brother I'd wanted to be, wanting him to need me. He needed me, and I ignored him deliberately.

When Gure-san told me, and Tori-san told me not to pry... I cried every night for a whole week, and slept only every few days when the crying would exhaust my body. That was the only time I ever remembered not liking myself. Hating myself. I disgusted myself. Only then, when it had hit me how much I had betrayed my only brother, who was just like me.

Next page. The same New Year's party, Yuki is still by Akito's side, but Akito is speaking with someone or another. The picture doesn't show who. It does, however, show Mother, standing just far enough away not to be cut off by the shot. Yuki is staring at her back as she speaks to someone else. Again, whoever she's speaking to, the picture doesn't show. He looks so hurt as he stares at her. I know why, now. I can see it, now. I realized later, when he had stopped living with us, when he was only four years old, she had given him to Akito. It wasn't that he wanted to be by him, she had simply just took him there and left him. Left him to God, to have done to him whatever it was that God pleased.

I don't speak with Mother anymore. Which, I suppose, is fine with her. I haven't spoken to her except for when directly confronted by her, and only briefly enough to leave politely, in several years. I can't recall how many exactly, as it doesn't matter to me. I simply don't care. I suppose that's a horrible thing to say about your mother, isn't it? Oh well.

The picture below this one is of Kyon-kichi and Yuki. Kyon-kichi is yelling at him, causing a scene, being himself. Yuki doesn't seem to be reacting to him though, which is normal, I know... but still makes me smile. I can't help it, they look very funny that way. One so riled up and the other just staring blandly back. Kazuma-dono is standing nearby Kyon-kichi, and looks to be about to reprimand the dear boy, though, judging by his frown. I really feel for the man... it couldn't have been easy raising such a rebellious little boy. But anyway, that's a much longer story.

Next page. This is Yuki at Tori-san's, after one of his bronchi check ups. I asked Tori-san to take some pictures of him for me after he'd moved out to Gure-san's house. I was a little afraid to face him myself, but I had to know if he was doing okay. He was forced to agree to visit Tori-san once a month to make sure his condition was improving, and so Tori-san agreed to take just two pictures of him for me. They were pretty much the same photo, so I kept one in here and put the other in a frame someplace. It was a very nice picture, afterall, even if he wasn't smiling.

The next page, the last page, has a picture of Yuki and Kyon-kichi at school, and Yuki is wearing some god-awful dress that I hope was burned! They both have the funniest grins I've ever seen either of them wear, made only funnier because they're identical. Tori-san gave me this photo, though how he came to have it I can only imagine. Momiji-kun told me that this was the day that he'd met Tohru, and gotten to hug her, even if it meant being grounded for the week because he'd gotten too excited and jumped her nearly in front of their whole class.

Really, I can't get over that abonimation my poor brother had to wear, in public no less! I could have made him a much lovelier dress that would have accented his eyes and fit him perfectly, but... I suppose he would have really hated that. I may not have been very involved in Yuki's life, but even I know that he isn't like Ri-chan, and, well, sometimes myself. Really, skirts can feel quite marvelous and look absolutely perfect depending on the occaision! And I've found that even when made strictly for men, some of the most beautifully designed tops defy gender defintion. Really, the cut of a design says less about it than one would imagine sometimes... But I've gotten off track.

I close the album, having reached its end and smile fondly at the memories, however tragic and distant they may seem, it holds inside. Perhaps I'll show this album to Tohru one of these days... she's always so eager to hear my stories and help bridge the gap between Yuki and myself. My dear brother had better catch that girl soon, else she be wasted on someone less deserving who could not possibly cherish her as princesses should be. I could really never think of a better person to become my sister-in-law; the mere thought of another woman by Yuki's side seems completely proposterous anymore. Though, I cannot tell either of them whom to feel what for, and I feel helpless once again.

The End