Coulson's death was difficult enough for him to handle. He'd never imagined that he'd lose his one good eye, and three years still wasn't enough to heal the pain entirely. But when Phil was on his death bed in S.H.I.E.L.D's emergency room, he asked only one favor: for Fury to take care of Steve.
Fury made good on his promise, but whenever he sent Steve on a mission he was always terrified of losing him. Anytime there was a close call and Captain America sustained even minor injuries, Nick had small panic attacks, though he hid them well. He never wanted anyone to know just how much he cared about Steve and his devotion to Coulson's final wish, but he was finding it to be harder and harder to keep his anxiety a secret.
He was prone to lying; manipulation and keeping things hidden from the enemy, or even allies, as he deemed it necessary. There were simply some things that Nick had to sweep under the rug or mention as vaguely as possible, and his anxiety was one of them. If anyone managed to catch wind of his emotional shortcomings, it could put him at risk of losing his job as director, so whenever someone asked him if he was okay he put on his cold, emotionless act and lied through his teeth.
There were two men that saw through his act, however, and they were Steve and Tony. While Tony harassed Nick and told him that he should just hang up his eye patch and retire, Steve's reaction was entirely different. He was empathetic and understanding of Nick's feelings and wanted to help him get through it, and whenever they were alone he would give the director little pep talks. Steve only thought that Nick felt unsure of his leadership abilities, however; he had absolutely no idea that the man he answered to was only worried about him, not the rest of the team.
Whenever the Avengers went into battle, Fury listened in on all of their conversations over the intercoms. Even though he wasn't supposed to unless the team members contacted him, he simply couldn't help it; Fury had to make sure that Captain America was okay and that he was holding his own during missions. On one mission, however, Nick listened in on a conversation between Steve and Tony that not only kicked his anxiety into high gear, but crushed what little hope he had for a potentially happy ending.
"So, you realize that Fury wants you, right?" Tony stated bluntly to Steve in a personal intercom chat during a seemingly hopeless battle with Loki and his new horde of alien warriors.
"Tony, focus on the task at hand. And no he doesn't," Steve snapped as he threw a shield at one of the green, tentacle monsters, chopping its arm clean off.
"Yeah he does. He doesn't give two shits about the rest of us when we suit up, but when you put yours on and hop into the helicopter Fury gives you this look. It's like a mother sending her little Stevie off to his first day of kindergarten. Shit, I wouldn't be surprised if he loves you, and I've overheard you giving him words of encouragement after our meetings. I bet you love him too… Steve and Fury sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-" Tony teased, but was cut off by a now angry Steve.
"Shut up, Tony! Geez is there a time when you don't shut up? And for the last time, I do NOT love Fury! That would just be inappropriate, and there is no way I'm ever going to fall in love with a teammate, let alone our director. Work and love lives should be kept separate, so just cut it out and stop talking about it!" Steve lashed out at Tony, and at those words Fury stopped eavesdropping.
He tried to lie to himself, deny all his feelings, but his inner walls were beginning to break. Nick had fallen in love with Steve, and it was all because of his promise to Coulson and Steve's kind, supportive words. If he would have just ignored Phil's wishes and cared for each and every Avengers' safety, Nick believed this never would have happened. But there was nothing he could do about it now, and any little hope for someone to love him was tossed out the window.
He was incredibly lonely; being a cold, calculating man who was supposed to lack emotions other than anger prevented him from establishing any relationships. It had been years since he'd had physical touch from anyone, and while everyone believed Nick to be asexual it was not the case. Fury wanted to be touched, wanted to be loved, and wanted to admit his feelings to Steve, but since he found out that his love was not requited he tried his best to suppress his emotions. Trying to set aside his love for the Captain only made his anxiety worse, and when Steve was hurt during battle due to Tony's heckling Fury almost dropped to the floor in panic.
"God dammit Stark, what in the hell happened out there!" Fury screamed in Tony's face during an emergency meeting with the Avengers; Steve was in a coma in S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters' medical bay and didn't look like he'd be waking up anytime soon.
"Look, how was I supposed to see that Loki snuck up on Steve and knocked him out cold? I don't know what happened, and it's not my fault that he got hurt, so stop blaming me! The only reason that you think it's all my fault is because you love him… Just admit it already and cut the shit!" Tony yelled out as he poked his right index finger into the director's chest, and seeing that they were off the hook Natasha, Clint, Thor, and Bruce scurried out of the room.
"I don't know where you get that from, but that is not what this is about! I'm sick and tired of your selfishness getting in the way of missions! You should be more concerned about your team, and seeing as Rogers is supposedly your best friend you need to start caring a little more!" Fury shouted as he clocked Tony in the nose, letting his temper get the best of him.
Tony stumbled backward, brought his hand up to his nostrils, touched his face and held his hand up to his eyes, seeing that his hand was covered in blood. He licked his lips, tasting the metallic fluid gushing from his nose and smirked at Nick. The director's reaction was more than enough evidence of Nick's feelings towards Steve, and Tony strutted out of the room, covering his nose while whistling in victory.
After Tony left the room, Nick slammed his fists down on the conference table in frustration. He knew he shouldn't have reacted that way, but he couldn't control himself. He was worried about Steve, felt that he let down Coulson, and was furious that he'd given Tony leverage over him. After the events that had just taken place, Fury decided to hold off on visiting Steve until everyone had gone home; the last thing he wanted was for Tony to have more dirt on him.
At two in the morning, Fury walked into Steve's private recovery room. He was hooked up to all sorts of monitors, and Nick's heart felt like it was breaking in two at the sight. It reminded him of when Coulson faded out of consciousness permanently, and he couldn't even imagine his life without Steve. Fury had never loved anyone more in his life, and the thought of Steve being gone forever terrified him, though he'd never admit it. He'd already allowed his emotions to break free once, and he wasn't going to allow it to happen again, though he wanted nothing more than to tell Steve how he felt.
For the past week, Fury would visit Steve from two until five in the morning, when his nurses came in to check on him and change his I.V bags and catheter tube. He'd barely slept a wink since Steve had been in a coma, and while he knew this wasn't healthy or sane of him to keep this behavior up, he couldn't stop. Fury's anxiety was getting the better of him, and the fear that Steve was going to die kept him there. Nick refused to leave Steve alone in the wee hours of the night with no one to watch over him, and if something were to happen to him in his absence Fury wasn't sure that he'd be able to live with himself.
Keeping his emotions locked away deep within himself began to eat away at him like acid, and it was causing him to go insane. There was no outlet for his strong, intense feelings of love, devotion, and fear, and as a result he became so depressed that it triggered the psychotic symptoms of his bipolar disorder. Sure, he was on medications and they really helped keep him in check, but events this stressful still affected him, and if things got bad enough he would have to battle his biggest mental enemy: hallucinations.
Whenever he was away from Steve, he constantly heard unintelligible whispering everywhere he went; in the car, in meetings, and before he went to sleep. As the audio hallucinations began to gain intensity, the physical ones made an appearance. He'd feel tapping on his shoulder, arms embracing him, and someone trying to hold his hand in the middle of the night. Fury knew none of these things were real and it was all in his head, but it didn't make them any less terrifying or unsettling. The worst part was he couldn't tell anyone about his condition. Admitting that he loved someone and had bipolar disorder mixed with anxiety would make Nick appear weak and unfit to lead the Avengers, and there was no way he could risk it.
After the thirtieth day in a row of visiting the bedridden hero, Fury went home and took a long, scorching hot shower. The physical pain from the hot water helped take his mind off of his emotional suffering, even if only for a little while. It still didn't take away the hallucinations, however, and as he sat Indian style in the shower he felt a hand grip his shoulder.
He whipped his head around and saw Coulson sitting behind him, smiling that caring, soft smile that was almost always plastered on his face. Fury knew that there was no way Phil was really there, but he decided to humor his hallucination anyway and turned around in the shower to look at the man behind him.
"Sometimes you need to open up, director. You know when I met Captain Rogers I told him how much I admired him, even though it ended up being awkward and he never signed my vintage set of Captain America cards. You may think that holding your feelings in for him is going to work, but it's not. One day they're going to come out, and wouldn't you rather it be on your terms and not Stark's? I know I wouldn't want him to be the one who spills the beans, and I know you don't either. Just think about that," Fury's vivid hallucination of his late friend said softly before disappearing into thin air, leaving Nick to think long and hard about what he'd just heard.
At two in the morning the next night, Fury took his usual seat next to Steve's bedside. As he looked closely at the unconscious blonde, he decided that it was now or never to tell him how he felt. Even though he knew Steve wouldn't hear him or know what he was saying, at least his feelings would be revealed and he'd be able to sleep better at night. He scooted his chair closer to Steve's bedside and took the blonde's right hand in his, looked down at the floor and began to confess his feelings.
"Rogers, I know you can't hear me and I don't know if or when you'll wake up again, but I'm just going to say what I need to say anyway. I know you only care for me as your director, and you were right to say that work and relationships should be kept separate. I agree with you completely, and I know I'll never have a chance with you, and I've come to terms with that. But I want you to know that no one's ever going to love you more than I do," Nick said in his usual cold way, but his voice cracked a little as the words left his lips.
While Fury thought that Steve hadn't heard a word he'd said, he was wrong. Right before Fury began to confess his love, Steve regained consciousness. His eyes slowly fluttered open and he looked at his arm, seeing Fury's strong black hands encasing his own. Steve was shocked into complete awareness when he saw the sight, and as he listened to Fury admit his feelings he felt a strong desire to breathe a sigh of relief. He never was going to reveal his love for the director because he didn't believe it was requited, but now he had more proof than he knew what to do with. Tony had been right all along, and Steve wished he would have made a move before he was in such a state of disrepair.
"Fury… I believe you," Steve whispered, and Fury quickly snapped his head up in shock and surprise.
He promptly let go of the blonde's hand and began to get up from his seat, but Steve motioned for him to stay seated.
"It's okay, I heard every word. And you may not believe me but I love you too. I just never knew how to tell you," Steve smiled weakly at Nick, and he slowly brought up his hand and moved his fingers in a "come here" motion.
Fury slowly got up from his chair, moved right next to Steve's bedside and pressed a tender kiss to Steve's lips. In that moment, all of Nick's anxiety went away, and he could just barely hear Coulson's voice whispering congratulations in his ear.